JH Bentre Stahoes vs. GRD Krataa

Jedi Hunter Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
vs.

Guardian Darkblade

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Anzat, Krath, Seeker
Comment

All right, I don't have much to say in general here because I outlined most of it in the other sections. You both show so much potential and this was a really strong showing and a joy to judge. Keep in mind the comments I outlined and feel free to talk to me personally to get more details that I wasn't able to provide here, or you have any questions.

On the merits of story and realism, I grant the win to Bentre Stahoes.

Look forward to the next bout.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JH Bentre Stahoes, GRD Krataa
Winner JH Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
JH Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
GRD Krataa's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 11 June, 2015 11:15 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Morax Darkblade Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You didn't have a lot of syntax related issues, but they were present and I highlighted them in the comments. Consider the following link and apply it to your dialogue. I got a newspaper over the head over this too, so I'll give you the same resource I used. https://litreactor.com/columns/talk-it-out-how-to-punctuate-dialogue-in-your-prose Rationale: You had an assortment of syntax related issues that I outlined in the comments.
Story - 40%
Morax Darkblade Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Your story was solid and you played to the strengths well. Was easy to read for the most part, and there was no difficulty as a reader. Rationale: Your story was generally pretty solid and interesting. You utilized the strengths of the characters. Was generally easy to read and get into.
Realism - 25%
Morax Darkblade Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Several major realism errors, the biggest of which being your portrayal of your character when he gets shot in your main post. Additionally, pay more attention to character sheets and how stats compare. Especially Resolve in comparison to mental related attacks. Rationale: I had to bring you down a bit here because of your portrayal of your opponent. In your posts, Krataa seems in a completely different class from you, when on paper you are very similar in most regards.
Continuity - 20%
Morax Darkblade Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: There were wounds introduced that were all but ignored. Other than that, actions between posts were upheld. Rationale: You didn't carry forward the blaster wounds to Krataa's arms that should have been a major inhibitor to him.
Morax Darkblade's Score: 3.75 Adept Bentre Stahoes's Score: 4.0
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Krataa looked towards his opponent, not familiar with this Dark Jedi. His opponent had dark hair and hazel eyes, and nothing more could be discerned from this person standing before him. “Who are you, your face is not familiar to me.” the young Krath asked as he folded his arms over each other. A flash of hurt crossed his opponent's face, which turned to anger and transformed quickly to pride. Standing tall, puffing out his chest and shoulders, his mysterious opponent pronounced “I am Bentre Stahoes, Jedi Hunter of clan Naga Sadow.”

The name meant something to Krataa - a recent addition to the ranks of the Dark Jedi, and apparently climbing the ranks quite fast. Having read through the database of the Black Guard, Bentre’s name appeared in multiple places, and his sources indicated that this was a rising star within the Clan. Raising an eyebrow the Krath waved his hand in a dismissing gesture “I’ve never heard of you. Let’s get this over with so I can move on to more pressing matters.” the Anzat growled as he reached for his Lightsaber. Knowing that there was little space to manoeuvre the duel would be all about skill and how fast each one reacted.

Looking the Human in the eyes, the Krath rushed forward, unclasping his robe with one hand whilst reaching for his saber with the other. As his robe fell to the ground behind him, the Obelisk laughed, and with blinding speed pulled out a blaster from his robes, took aim and fired off a series of bolts before diving aside. Caught by surprise, Krataa barely had time to take evasive action, diving into a forward roll towards the same direction as the Jedi Hunter on the ground, but was nicked on his right arm’s bicep and left arm tricep whilst barely able to dodge the bolt heading for his chest. The Anzat felt the third bolts warmth pass over his head not but an inch above him.

Coming up from his diving roll inside of Bentre’s guard, Krataa was able to use the momentum to bring him to his feet and bring his lightsaber upwards in a strong two handed slash, meant to split the Jedi Hunter from groin to sternum. The Krath heard howls of anguish as three of the Massassi warriors fell down face first into the makeshift arena, caused by the bolts that missed their intended target. The Massassi’s companions laughed and howled with glee and bloodlust as they were pulled from the ring and thrown back to the outer edge of the arena.

As Krataa’s blade flashed upwards towards the Human before him, the Guardian noticed on the outside of his peripheral vision to his right what seemed to be an image of Bentre. Turning to look, he stared straight into the barrel of the Obelisk’s blaster, the Anzat realized his error and quickly sank to his knees as his blade surged upwards, splitting the Illusion before him. Two more bolts fired in quick succession raced towards Krataa, striking another Massassi square in the chest. Gore rained down on the Anzat as the chest of the Massassi exploded from the impact, whilst the second bolt hit the Krath on his outstretched raised left hand. The Obelisk let out a laugh of glee as he had finally hit his mark. “Not so smart after all, are you?” the Jedi Hunter taunted.

Letting out a howl of pain as the smell of the Guardian’s seared flesh met his nose, he turned towards the young Jedi Hunter. “That’s the last time you’ll surprise me youngling.” Krataa growled through clenched teeth. Rising to both feet, covered in gore the Anzat spread his hands wide, Lightsaber held in his right hand, blade crackling and spitting while small sparks danced menacingly, he allowed his tentacles to slide out from their hiding place in his face as he stared at his opponent “I have not had a decent meal in many many years, you will have to suffice for now!” the Guardian said as he cocked his head to the right side and winked at Bentre, before raising his left smoldering hand and signaling as best he could a “come get me gesture”.

Darth Renatus, 13 June, 2015 12:29 AM UTC

“Who are you, your face is not familiar to me.” the young Krath asked as he folded his arms over each other.

Should end the dialogue with a comma, since it is leading into "the young Krath".

his mysterious opponent pronounced “I am Bentre Stahoes, Jedi Hunter of clan Naga Sadow.”

Lead into the dialogue with a comma.

The name meant something to Krataa - a recent addition to the ranks of the Dark Jedi, and apparently climbing the ranks quite fast. Having read through the database of the Black Guard, Bentre’s name appeared in multiple places, and his sources indicated that this was a rising star within the Clan.

You, more or less, stated the same thing twice over here. He is climbing the ranks quite fast, then he is a rising star within the Clan.

Raising an eyebrow the Krath waved his hand in a dismissing gesture “I’ve never heard of you. Let’s get this over with so I can move on to more pressing matters.” the Anzat growled as he reached for his Lightsaber.

Consider ending the sentence before the dialogue, and trailing out of the quotes with a comma.

As his robe fell to the ground behind him, the Obelisk laughed, and with blinding speed pulled out a blaster from his robes, took aim and fired off a series of bolts before diving aside.

You fell into the "name avoidance" trap. While it is good to use references other than first name repeatedly, here you state "as his robe fell" then "the Obelisk laughed". In the context of the sentence, this reads as the Obelisk (Bentre) being the one with the falling robe.

diving into a forward roll towards the same direction as the Jedi Hunter on the ground,

This reads that the Jedi Hunter is on the ground, which hasn't been previously established and lacks continuity.

right arm’s bicep and left arm tricep

The bicep belongs to the right arm but the tricep doesn't belong to the left arm? This is inconsistent.

The Anzat felt the third bolts warmth pass over his head not but an inch above him.

This should be "bolt's".

The Krath heard howls of anguish as three of the Massassi warriors fell down face first into the makeshift arena, caused by the bolts that missed their intended target.

This is a bit jarring to the flow of the story. Consider how this fits in the scheme of the section. The focus is on your attack, then suddenly you switch to the Massassi behind you and consume the remainder of the paragraph with it.

As Krataa’s blade flashed upwards towards the Human before him, the Guardian noticed on the outside of his peripheral vision to his right what seemed to be an image of Bentre.

Good attempt to utilize your opponent's abilities, however remember to factor in your own. With +3 Resolve, it would be difficult for a +1 Illusion to fool you so readily. I'll chalk this up to distraction due to the pain of the two shots you took (which you seem to be ignoring) but keep this in mind.

Two more bolts fired in quick succession raced towards Krataa, striking another Massassi square in the chest.

Consider separating out "fired in quick succession" with punctuation to ease the sentence flow. As well, why did it strike a Massassi? What happened to cause this? If you dodged, it wasn't relayed to the reader.

Letting out a howl of pain as the smell of the Guardian’s seared flesh met his nose, he turned towards the young Jedi Hunter.

Good, you reacted to the pain this time, but what of the two in your arms? Based on what I know of battle wounds, it should be excruciating to be fighting at all right now, at least using your arms.

This place brings back some bad memories. The Human tried to shake off a shiver. His last errand here had come at a pretty serious price. A lot of pain and discomfort had followed a very brutal defeat at the Rollmaster's hands. Thankfully, there are some like Macron. The Journeyman shook his head as he watched his Krath opponent’s reactions as his blaster bolts made their mark.

Bentre couldn't help but cock his head to the side as he watched the tentacles descend. You are an ugly one aren't you? He could not help but smile a little at the inference that he would be someone's lunch. As the humanoid motioned with smouldering hand, Bentre shrugged slightly. Placing his blaster back in its familiar spot in his jacket, he slowly and deliberately withdrew his lightsaber, squaring his shoulders and placing his feet about shoulder’s width apart.

The Human had never seen one of these things before. Then again, he hadn’t seen giant walking tree-men before he joined the Brotherhood, so he was a little less surprised than he might have been months ago. Bentre had faced lizard people in a sunken temple, pirates on a moon and many hours of training and mentoring with his master, Daedric. This encounter will not be much different. With a snap-hiss, he activated his glowing azure blade and acknowledged the challenge with a nod as his hazel eyes met the brown eyes of his opponent.

The Jedi Hunter charged forward, a grim smile cracking his features. The enthusiastic cries of the Massassi rang out, and he felt pride swelling in his chest. I will go ahead and end this as quickly as possible so that I can get back to Daedric and Sapphire Squadron. Feeling empowered by this thought, he bounded forward. As he came just short of the reach of a lightsaber, the Human Journeyman planted a foot, bringing his lightsaber around in an arch, bearing down on the Anzat.

At least, that is what he tried to do. The Guardian was going to have no part of that, though. Instead, he calmly stepped sideways, batting aside the blow with an almost comedic ease. As Bentre stumbled past his intended target, Krataa stretched out a hand, and the Human immediately felt his ankle lock up.

Without being able to catch himself mid-stumbled, the Jedi Hunter’s momentum brought him down on his left ankle hard. He felt a twist and a sharp pain as his right foot came down at an abnormal angle. Trying to place the majority of his weight on his right leg, the Obelisk faced his opponent.

Bentre was barely able to bring his lightsaber around in a rough block at the Anzat struck out. The block came at a cost, though, as he instinctively planted his right foot, and immediately cried out in pain as he fell to a knee.

“So,” the Obelisk Journeyman looked up into the brown eyes of his opponent. “Grant me this one thing, then.” He spoke carefully, hoping to delay the Anzat as he tried to focus on the Force in order to stymie the pain a little. “Can I at least let me know who’s lunch I am going to be?”

The Guardian looked at the human with something akin to pitiful scorn. “Does it really matter?” The Anzat kicked him over, interrupting the Human’s attempts to pacify the pain arching through his lower leg. “Stop stalling.”

As the Human roughly rolled to his feet, he tried to steady himself, trying to push past the pain. If I can end this quickly, then the ankle won’t be so much of a problem. He shifted his weight toward his right leg, and lashed out with his lightsaber.

The tentacles of the Guardian swayed slightly as he knocked the off-balance blow away. One of the tentacles seemed to twitch with irritation as Bentre tried to regain his footing. “I hope this really isn’t your best, kid.”

A spark of anger awoke in the Jedi Hunter at these words. The Obelisk had to do everything he could to steady himself as he glared into the Anzat’s eyes. “Don’t worry yourself about that, buddy,” a growl rose in his throat as the muscles in his face twitched. I will bash my way through you if that is what it takes. As his face became flushed with red, and he fought to steady his hand. “I don’t plan on making things easy for you.”

Darth Renatus, 13 June, 2015 12:22 AM UTC

Thankfully, there are some like Macron.

You're leaving the reader hanging here. Why are you thankful to Macron? Don't introduce a hook and expect the reader to go looking elsewhere for the information.

The Journeyman shook his head as he watched his Krath opponent’s reactions as his blaster bolts made their mark.

You use "as he" then "as his" within the same sentence. Try shaking things up a bit more to avoid repetition.

Krataa stretched out a hand, and the Human immediately felt his ankle lock up.

This is a little too vague, try to elaborate on the power being exerted here. I know Stasis was used, but at first glance it leaves the reader guessing between an ability or perhaps grabbing the ankle physically.

Without being able to catch himself mid-stumbled,

Should be "mid-stumble".

rough block at the Anzat struck out.

Should be "as the".

“Can I at least let me know who’s lunch I am going to be?”

Should be "Can you".

As the Human roughly rolled to his feet, he tried to steady himself, trying to push past the pain.

"tried" and "trying", this is repetition again. Perhaps "attempted" instead?

A single spark of electricity hurtled from the Jedi Hunter’s outstretched arm and arced towards the Anzat. With the distance between them so minor, the spark ferociously hit the Guardian square in the chest. The air was pushed out of Krataa’s chest, as he spasmed involuntarily he was forced to take a few steps backwards.The pain from the shock didn’t last long, nor did it bother the Guardian too much. The recent blaster wounds started to act up though, and caused the Anzat more annoyance as he began to feel his arms tire due to the strain he had put on them. The pain in his left hand was becoming an annoying throb and it distracted the Krath slightly.

The Anzat looked down on the Human with disgust in his eyes and a renewed determination to end this duel as soon as possible. “You have much to learn in the ways of the Force. Whilst your blaster skills are remarkable, you lack skills in lightsaber combat; and let’s not even start about your abilities with the Force,” the Krath spat out with hatred. Drawing on his anger, Krataa started to channel it within himself, and projected it outwards towards Bentre as he crawled to his feet, still favouring his left leg. “I will show you what true mastery of the Force is!” Krataa shouted as he released his built-up Force energy and directed it towards the Jedi Hunter.

Bentre shrunk back in terror, a feeling of intense horror washing over him as the Anzat stepped towards him. As the Guardian got closer the feeling only intensified, and only through sheer force of will was the Obelisk able to raise his lightsaber and block the first strike. As the two lightsabers connected, the Anzat held the block and pushed in towards Bentre, waving his tentacles around slowly towards the Jedi Hunter. The fear was too much for the Human: he dropped to his knees, deactivating and letting go of his lightsaber, watching as it clattered to the ground beside him.

Krataa grinned smugly, knowing he had won. “I expected more of a fight from you, as driven as you are. But this is the end of the road for you, Bentre Stahoes of Clan Naga Sadow.The Force is a tool to be used, wielded and exploited to your own ends. It is a guide, and a companion. Do not take it for granted. In your final moments I shall allow you to remember what life was like when you first learned you could use the Force.”

Holding to that last comforting bit, however difficult it was, Bentre looked up towards Krataa and smiled. “You are not as powerful as you think, for the Force has not forsaken me.”

At that, the Krath grabbed the Jedi Hunter by the hem of his robes with his left hand, grimacing slightly as the blaster wound he received brought a sharp pain with it, and swung the pummel of his saber onto Bentre’s head. The Anzat bashed him again and again until the Obelisk finally lost consciousness. A loud crack was audible as the Human slumped down and his head connected with the ground, as the Massassi horde had grown quite during the last moments of the duel. Murmurs slowly spread through the warriors, which quickly turned to shouts.

Ignoring all of this, Krataa looked down towards the Obelisk, and realized that killing him would only bring the wrath of the Battleteam upon his head. No matter their differences, killing a member would not be acceptable. Especially not like this.

Sighing, the hungry and exhausted Anzat controlled his emotions and feelings, and bent down to retrieve the unconscious body of Bentre. With immense resolve, Krataa swung Bentre over his shoulder, and started to walk towards the Massassi warriors. Looking back to their makeshift arena, he noticed the lightsaber still on the ground. Shouldn't have let it fall out of your hands, the Anzat thought to himself. Ignoring the lightsaber, the Krath continued to head through the howling and cheering mob of Massassi warriors, heading towards his ship with the Human slumped over his shoulders to bring them both back to their squadron.

Darth Renatus, 13 June, 2015 12:19 AM UTC

The recent blaster wounds started to act up though, and caused the Anzat more annoyance as he began to feel his arms tire due to the strain he had put on them.

Unless you were using "Control Self" this entire time -- which you don't have -- this should have happened a lot earlier in combat... Like, immediately after the hits.

Bentre shrunk back in terror, a feeling of intense horror washing over him as the Anzat stepped towards him. As the Guardian got closer the feeling only intensified, and only through sheer force of will was the Obelisk able to raise his lightsaber and block the first strike.

Two things, first off, you have +2 Terror and your opponent has +2 Resolve... Bentre would not succumb so easily to terror as described here.

As the two lightsabers connected, the Anzat held the block and pushed in towards Bentre

"block" is the wrong word choice here. That implies you are the one defending, not pressing the attack.

The fear was too much for the Human: he dropped to his knees, deactivating and letting go of his lightsaber, watching as it clattered to the ground beside him.

Once again, this clashes with the Character Sheets and hurts your Realism.

"You are funny, you know that?" the Anzat smiled at his human opponent as his face tentacles swayed back and forth. His eyes flashed dangerously. "We both know you are favoring your one foot when you step."

Bentre growled in frustration at the Guardian’s words. I can’t bounce around without landing on that ankle, and he hits hard. If I can’t move quickly, I am going to have to find a way to take advantage of his wounded hand.

Stepping sideways tenderly, Bentre’s eyes searched his surroundings, looking for any potential obstacles. I might be able to take him down if I am smart about it. The Jedi Hunter pulled his blaster out in a quick action, throwing his arm out straight and firing a burst of hot plasma bolts. He hopped a few times to his left, hoping that Krataa would take his bait.

His hopes were not realized. With a natural grace, the Anzat sidestepped the shots, and rushed forward to close the small distance between the two. Krataa brought his lightsaber down toward his opponent in a full swing, and both weapons sparked and crackled as they met between the two humanoids.

“Come on, now.” the Krath Inquisitor cooed as he kicked back from the attack. He began to circle his Obelisk opponent, his footing even and controlled as he did so. He was more than ready as Bentre turned sideways and slashed toward him uneasily. “Just give up,” the Anzat chuckled. “We can both see you are having trouble walking, let alone holding up in a fight.” To prove his point, he swiped his weapon across the back of the human’s jacket, causing the smell of burning leather to creep up to their noses.

His voice was just barely audible over the din of the cheering and jeering Massassi. Bentre could not make out the words clearly, so he instinctively shook his head, and planted his good foot as he prepared to attack again. I just have to push a little harder. I have to ignore the pain just a little longer.

”Because of course, that always works,” the words came through clear as day, even in the midst of the cacophony of voices surrounding them. The human immediately turned his head, looking around for the source.

Krataa looked at the human with a touch of pity. The boy looked lost in the middle of the ring. He didn’t even seem to be paying attention to the Anzat’s words, and he was barely able to dodge anything as it was. There was nothing more to be learned from all this. The Jedi Hunter had a lot to learn, and there was nothing for Krataa to prove now. He would have to make the human’s humiliation quick.

”Move your body, already!” the voice urged Bentre with a growl, ”You might as well be standing still!” The Guardian stepped forward, approaching the dazed Jedi Hunter from behind. He raised his lightsaber to eye level, and brought the hilt down in a hard motion toward the back of the Obelisk’s head.

”Now!” the voice screamed, and with a newfound energy, Bentre launched off his uninjured foot. He stumbled as he fell on his injured ankle, but the Krath’s hilt missed its target completely.

“That is cute, really,” the Anzat shook his head. He was a little impressed at this final show of defiance he had to admit to himself. There was a feral fire in the human’s eyes, but this combat had become little more than a farce at this point. It was time to put an end to the Obelisk’s embarrassment.

As the Krath stepped forward, Bentre knew he was running out of options. His mind raced, figuring how he might manage to turn the odds in his favor. I will not be defeated by some Krath. He ground his teeth together, raising his weapon warningly as the Anzat stepped forward, his tentacles twitching with each step.

”I think it's a little late for that, Benny.” The growling voice whispered in his left ear. ”Unless you can part the lightsaber and its owner, you are as good as lunch.”

Actually that might work, the human Jedi Hunter realized.

As Krataa stepped within lightsaber’s reach, Bentre got ready to step aside. He had one shot at this. As the Inquisitor closed in on the Assassin, Bentre shifted his weight to his bad ankle, and braced himself for the immense pain.

Krataa brought his weapon around in a full swing, and Bentre rushed reached toward the Guardian and touched his pointer and middle finger to his opponent’s wrist. A sharp crack was heard, and the Krath’s face twisted with an unexpected pain. The lightsaber fell from his hands, and hit the stone platform loudly as the cheers of the Massassi savages roared out.

That hand was already a little tender to start with, the human smiled to himself. I might have a chance to finish this.

”There might be hope for you yet.”

Without missing a beat, the Anzat shifted his weight to his back leg, and delivered a sharp kick to Bentre’s ribs. The force of the blow was more than enough to send the human off balance. His arms pinwheeled as he began to fall, and he felt a sharp pain as his head hit the ground.

The Massassi cries grew to a roar as Krataa watched the Obelisk hit the ground. He was not moving now, though. The Anzat walked over slowly, kicking the lightsaber away from the still but breathing form. The human was defeated, and there was nothing more to prove.

He had not been lying when he said it had been a long time, though. His stomach seemed to turn, and instinct was winning the conflict which boiled within him. With his victory in hand, the Krath found himself leaning down over the Obelisk. There was no reason to waste such an opportunity though.

His tentacles twitched excitedly as he lowered his head, and the Massassi's cheers erupted again as he deeply drank his fill of the Jedi Hunter’s soup.

Darth Renatus, 13 June, 2015 12:18 AM UTC

The Massassi cries grew to a roar as Krataa

"Massassi" isn't a type of cry, this should be possessive, or "The cries of the Massassi".