JH Tasha'Vel Versea vs. JH Bentre Stahoes

Jedi Hunter Tasha'Vel Versea

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Twi'lek, Obelisk, Shadow
vs.

Jedi Hunter Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
Comment

This was a good match. There was an immediate reason for the conflict presented, and the match was phrased as just one part of a long feud between two aspiring students trying to prove themselves. It made for a great story. In the end, with a slightly better flow to the way the battle was presented in writing and some of the details presented, Bentre pulls out the win on this one.

Combat Master Notes:

This was a good fight to read. A lot of the fundamentals of the ACC are present, and both writers demonstrate they understand the core concept of writing a conflict that revolves around their characters. Both writers include detailed, descriptive combat.

With some more careful proofing, and some more experience, I could see Tasha being a real contender.

Impressive showing from Bentre as well: great dialogue, but work on connecting the dialogue with the action to tell a more engaging story. Build suspense, make me feel like there is something being fought for.

In the end, with such a close match, it comes down to the smaller details and thoroughness. Bentre pulls this off by a hair.

Look forward to seeing you two fight again as you develop your characters more.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants JH Tasha'Vel Versea, JH Bentre Stahoes
Winner JH Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Lightsabers Only
JH Tasha'Vel Versea's Character Snapshot Snapshot
JH Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 3 July, 2015 4:02 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Master Aramis Taelyan
Syntax - 15%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Errors in syntax did detract from the scene as well as some misplaced commas that slightly detracted from readability. Rationale: Incorrect quotes, blocks of text misusing paragraphs, misuse of commas, detracting from the readability of the post.
Story - 40%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The conflict was set early by Tasha’Vel as to the reason and meaning for the visit. She decided to strike quickly, and a great job was done to appreciate her character as cold and calculating. You continued with this idea in all the interactions with each character, but minimized it by each giving the other the benefit of the doubt. She has had more training, is stronger, if only your character had his blaster, then she doesn’t carry through to dislocate his arm. I got lost in the story if they really hated each other as indicated by her quickly attacking him, or had some deep respect for each other by noting the others strengths and holding back. Also the introduction of the voices did give Bentre some depth and an interesting angle but I’m not sure how well it was used, but it was interesting either way. Rationale: The overall story was introduced with a clear conflict, of some previous engagement that ended poorly, so it gave purpose to the battle. You had good use of the voices introduced by Bentre, using them as an advantage to something he introduced to the story as a distraction. There were a few abrupt changes in direction that made the conflict less natural - stopping the barrage of punches from what I think was a mind trick, where he seized a created opportunity. Then the end of the battle came very quickly afterwards. More of a story choice than realism, your Sith character, full of hate and animosity towards her opponent, keeps dulling pain, or ignoring it that otherwise should be fueling her resolve. You do fight through the pain, but there was a lot of being injured, and hurt, while being merciful and trying to remain calm.
Realism - 25%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Did a great job of presenting Tasha’Vel as taking the time to analyze Bentre and strike as necessary. You kind of give up Bentre’s pride part way through the match as she wins strikes, instead of keeping with the ‘I’m better than you’, ‘all or nothing’ character the CS describes. But references to how each character matched up to the other throughout the match was done well. Didn’t present either character incorrectly, but also didn’t really get much of an idea of who each character was from what transpired. Rationale: Did a great job of writing both characters. Tasha’Vel as cold and calculated yet holds back and prefers to make them suffer versus killing stayed consistent. Bentre’s pride could have been written a bit stronger but his lack of blasters and more reckless style to keep going till he can’t went well. Bentre could have pulled out all the stops Force power wise.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Continuity was good, everything flowed and could keep up with where each character was. The red light from the training saber on the face, turns green later, then turns blue. Rationale: Continuity was good, everything flowed and could keep up with where each character was. The blue blade turns emerald at one point, and Bentre’s blade turns blue when he identified it as red. The training droid arm kind of came out of nowhere, it wasn’t unbelievable but showing up was a bit detracting.
Adept Bentre Stahoes's Score: 3.6 Tasha'Vel Versea's Score: 3.25
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

Running her hands along the battle-scarred walls, Tasha found herself at home in the sparring room. She could always vent out her frustrations and shut out the stressful worries of the day with some well-placed practice. It was now second nature to her to focus her mind and help open up her ability to focus her movements. Due to her months of work with her body, her movements had become graceful, flowing easily like a soft petal falls to the ground. With her focused movements, they came quicker and in force. “I will become stronger and better than anyone else.” The thought of becoming the best warrior, sharpened her as she repeated the phrase like a mantra. As she chanted the phrase over and over in her mind, her body became a whirlwind of motion. Punches jabbed like lightning, striking the top of the library dome, her feet never missing their mark.

The workout was going smoothly until Tasha felt a sudden rippling disturbance present itself through the Force. Gazing upwards, her stomach then formed a slight knot as her emerald eyes met the intruder’s. It was him, the human that had caused her so much grief and pain. I never forgot that match. And how could she forget? That vile Corellian stabbed and pulled her precious lekku. There was still a slight scar from the last time she sparred with him, though looking at him now he was battle-scarred himself.

One of his eyes now had a sinister red glowing eye that seemed to bore into her like a red hot plasma bolt. Trailing her gaze down his left shoulder, she followed it to his right hand. The medical bay had reattached his hand, but it left an ugly scar as a reminder that she was not simply a pushover. Seeing him again, made her blood boil and her mind seethed with hatred towards this upstart pupil. She wasted no time and charged her opponent, delivering a lightning-fast punch to his smirking face.

Her hand connecting with his jaw, she felt his lip burst beneath her clenched fist. Glancing down, Tasha saw two training sabers hanging from his belt, snatching one for herself in one swift motion as she sidestepped Bentre’s counter-kick. She spun behind him and delivered a forceful kick of her own to his back which sent him flying towards the ground. He landed flat on his back, gasping for breath. Tasha pointed her blade at him and flicked the activator causing a blue blade to erupt with a hiss. “Well shit, I was hoping for the green blade. Oh well, this’ll do.”

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

Quotes around thoughts as if it's dialogue and italicized.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

Should break up paragraphs of text so the post has better flow.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

Some misplaced commas and grammar issues in areas - "The thought of becoming the best warrior, sharpened her as she repeated the phrase like a mantra."

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

Shit is not a thing in Star Wars - frak or some variant would be more realistic.

Pulling himself up to his feet, it was clear Bentre was a little taken aback. “Doesn’t that seem like a bit of a gross over-reaction?” He touched a finger to his split lip, before probing it tenderly with his tongue. He locked eyes with her and let out a short breath. “That kind of hurt.”

Strike her down! the voice was seething. It was becoming more difficult to ignore as time went on. He was not becoming used to it, and it was becoming louder and more insistent with each passing day. He just had to try to ignore it.

The Jedi Hunter shook his head at his Twi’lek opponent. “Here I was, coming down here to engage in a more-or-less friendly spar. There has been a lot of talk about you, little one.” He put a very heavy emphasis on the last two words. This only served to get under the female Assassin’s skin. She didn’t need his help to get worked up by the looks of it though. She was the one who had punched him. “I figured a friendly test of skill between two Jedi Hunters would make for,” he paused for a moment, drawing a breath. “It was meant to be oh-such-great fun you see.” His tone was exuberant and obviously mocking.

He placed a hand over the weapon that remained at his side. Tasha’s eyes darted between his face and his weapon, trying to determine what his next move would be. She was happy to let him pontificate a bit while she tried to evaluate the situation. The longer he kept speaking, the better chance she had to identify and exploit his weaknesses.

“I just figured after last time, that maybe we could try a fight without any dirty tricks. I am sure you still massage your lekku nervously a little every time you see me.” He winked and patted the weapon at his side affectionately.. “I didn’t even bother bringing my blaster or my knife this time. I thought that might assuage your fears a little bit.” He gave a slight bow and his smile turned into a haughty smirk.

“That was the plan, anyway.” He shucked his jacket from his shoulders, and twirled the garment around his arm before throwing it aside. He glowered at the Twi’lek, and tilted his head toward her slightly. “I was perfectly happy to just have a more-or-less friendly bout with you before you decided to split my lip and kick me over like that.” Bearing his teeth menacingly the Human Assassin ignited the training weapon, bathing the left side of his face in red light. “But now I am going to beat you into submission, Beeogola Nechaska.”

As her opponent charged forward, Tasha’vel kicked off the ground hard, moving to the right and passing out of the way of the attack with ease. “Cha skrunee da pat.” Hearing her speak Huttese seemed to surprise her opponent a bit. “ I think you find me a fiercer opponent this time.”

“You think Kiriyu can mold a monster out a mouse?” Bentre shook his head, stepping forward with a well practiced chop at Versea. She didn’t back out of the attack this time, instead meeting his attack blow for blow. The force of impact surprised the Corellian. As he tried to back away, Tasha thrust out a hand, and he felt a heavy impact on his shoulder which with the prior momentum drove him onto his back.

“I am no mouse,” her words came out surprisingly calm as Stahoes rolled back to his feet roughly. He was a little sore, he had to admit, as he rolled his shoulders checking for any new injuries.

Just kill her. Stop messing around.

“I hear you,” he muttered aloud, drawing an odd glance from the female Assassin. He seemed to be talking to somebody else, but they were alone.

“Come on, then.” Bentre growled, his tone and stance an obvious challenge. “Let’s get on with it already.”

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

“ I think you find me a fiercer opponent this time.” - I think you will.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

“You think Kiriyu can mold a monster out a mouse?” - a monster out of a.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:42 AM UTC

he felt a heavy impact on his shoulder which with the prior momentum drove him onto his back. - awkward wording.

“Well who in the seven blazes is he talking to? There is no one else, but us,” She thought as she stared at Bentre slightly puzzled. “Well, I can’t waste my time thinking about it.” Tasha refocused her mind, charged Bentre and swung the emerald blade upwards from her hip in a diagonal pattern slashing it towards him. Bentre brought his sapphire blade from his right shoulder down to meet Tasha’s strike. Bright sparks flew up as the blades connected and crashed against each other. Tasha pressed harder trying to overpower Bentre with her intimidating strength, however the Corellian had realized earlier how much stronger she had become. In order to avoid being overpowered, Bentre sidestepped to the left, brought his blade around and smacked Tasha’s unprotected backside. Tasha felt an intense stinging pain hit her back and groaned in response.

Bentre gloated, “How does it feel worm head, getting smacked around like a play toy?” Enraged at his statement, Tasha whirled around to defend the second strike aimed at her, and eyed the Corellian face to face. Her eyes blazed with hatred as used her mind to focus on a nearby broken training droid arm, and concentrated to send the arm hurtling towards him. He astonishingly leaped sideways just as the arm flew by and nicked him lightly on the shoulder causing his sleeve to rip open. “That was one of my good shirts, how dare you?” He called out as he heard the voice in his head retort. “Kill her! She just ruined your shirt.” Bentre turned his head to the right where he thought the voice came from before growling,“Shut up!”

As he argued, Tasha quickly raced forward, jumped into the air, and sent a flying kick with her full weight against Bentre’s chest, knocking him to the ground. He gasped as the air quickly escaped his chest with Tasha's weight pressed down on top of him. She began to unleash a barrage of punches to his face trying to knock him out. Knowing he was in danger, Bentre swiftly whipped his blade around to the side to defend himself. It smacked into her side causing a great stinging pain, however Tasha ground her teeth and struck harder until Bentre began to black out. He then tried desperately to concentrate his mind.

“Stop Tasha, I’m finished.” Surprisingly, Tasha felt compelled by his words and stopped punching him. Seizing the opportunity, Bentre, though hurting, struck Tasha again with his training saber aimed at her lekku. She shrieked in pain as the stinging blade hit her left lekku causing her to leap backwards off him. He stood to his feet pointing the blade at her. “Didn’t see that coming did you, Worm head,” He sneered.

“Dammit Corellian, your tricks are not going to be enough this time.” Though she still reeled a bit from the pain, Tasha refocused her mind to dull the aching sensation pulsing from her lekku. Shaking her head a bit to gather her senses, Tasha came at Bentre and swung her saber at his side. He quickly parried as they began to dance around the room trading blows again. Just as they locked sabers, a gut wrenching crack echoed sickeningly as Tasha headbutted Bentre. Blackness descended upon Bentre as he felt his eyes roll back into his head and his body crumple to the ground. Embarrassingly, Bentre had been defeated.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

There is no one else, but us - don't need a comma.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

Her eyes blazed with hatred as used her mind to focus - as she used

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

He stood to his feet - grammar

Tasha squinted at the Human derisively. "Do you really want to rush your own defeat Bentre? I would think you'd want to drag it on by flapping your lips as long as possible."

You see!? The voice hissed the words in rage. She mocks you and all you do is stand there and take it? Pathetic. No wonder she decided to go Sith. After seeing an Obelisk as weak as you no wonder she abandoned your Order.

"You little piece of bantha-" the words trailed off into an enraged growl. Stahoes rushed toward the Twi’lek, bringing the glowing blue blade down in a fierce chop. Tasha’vel’s eyes grew wide, and she barely managed to meet the blow. To his surprise, the Obelisk was knocked back by the force of her retaliatory blow. What is happening?

“You’ve been practicing,” he growled.

“You are slipping.” Tasha’s gaze was as ice, her focus clear in the sparkling of her green eyes. She lacked his finesse with a lightsaber. The next strike was just a fierce though. What she lacked in skill, she more than made up in ferocity.

The Corellian twirled his lightsaber about in a tight circle, tightening his grip on the training blade. The motion caused a pain to ripple through his shoulder. Kark. I tore something. That will make this a lot harder. He gripped the weapon, bringing the blue blade up near his face.

As he brought the weapon around at a different angle, Bentre realized that with the pain he lost a lot of the strength and momentum of his swing. As the Sith blocked the blow, Bentre felt his weapon leave his fingers. The training weapon clattered away, and its blue beam disappeared with a familiar whoosh-click.

“Are you giving up?” Tasha’s voice was a lot calmer than it had in previous fights. He was sure that the presence of her weapon helped this a lot. He would just have to take away her advantage.

“Never!” he leaped forward with a growl and a lunge forward. His fist aimed for her head as he threw everything he had into the blow with his good shoulder behind it.

“Idiot.” The word was simple, burning, and punctuated as the Twi’lek grabbed around his shoulder and arm and twisted hard. To her good fortune, it was the injured shoulder. Bentre let out a deep bellow of pain.

“Learn your place, Bentre. You may have bested me once. I am just as fast as you are though. Without your blaster,” she turned his arm prompting a grunt of pain and a slight whine in Bentre’s throat, “you will not defeat me. You do not want to encounter me again, Human on the wrong side of either blade or lightsaber. Next time, it may be your last.”

“I will not surrender,” the Corellian growled, trying to free himself from the vice-like grip of the female Sith.

“You have no choice,” there was laughter in her voice. “unless you would prefer I dislocate your arm.” She did not bother to wait for an answer, however. Instead of following through with the threat, Tasha pushed the Human to the ground and walked from the room.

“Just so long as you know the score, Bentre. An Obelisk like you should stay with what he knows. Don’t get in my way anymore. Or else you may pay for more than my lekku being stabbed.

The words were simple, their message clear. Stahoes glared after her. The Corellian had trouble simply picking up the lightsaber however, so he had no means of retaliation. Instead, he was left in the room, to wallow in his own pain.

I will have to make my way to the infirmary. He thought after sitting for about ten minutes. I will have to figure what to do from there. He nodded, seeing the sense in his thought.

To plan revenge. To get back at the little piece of slime for what happened today. He smiled at these thoughts. There is always plenty of time to work towards that.

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

was just a fierce though - was just as

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

was a lot calmer than it had in previous fights. - than it had been

Master Aramis Taelyan, 14 July, 2015 4:41 AM UTC

me again, Human on the - grammer, "me again Human, on"