DJK Bentre Stahoes vs. KP Wrooshuu

Dark Jedi Knight Bentre Stahoes

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Obelisk, Shadow
vs.

Krath Priest Wrooshuu

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Wookiee, Krath, Seeker
Comment

All right guys. This wasn't a bad match but, story wise, could have been so much more. As a reader I was left with questions over the "why" of this entire encounter. That's not terrible, but not desirable. From there it feels very mechanical on both sides. Try to get more feeling into your writing, snare the reader and fling them into this world you are creating. The way you feel as you author the words on the page can often be relayed to the reader as well.

In regards to the syntax related issues, any issue really, proof readers are your best friends. There are many in the club, regardless of allegiance, that will help you out on this front. There is no shame in using them, so says the guy who stubbornly refused to use them for an entire year. I got over it, and am better off for it. It can't ever hurt to get those extra eyes, and then when something does slip through, you know you at least made the attempt!

The overall winner in this bout is Bentre Stahoes.

Keep writing, both of you, and keep growing as authors. I look forward to more in the future.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants DJK Bentre Stahoes, KP Wrooshuu
Winner DJK Bentre Stahoes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
DJK Bentre Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
KP Wrooshuu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr: Spanky's Tavern
Last Post 30 July, 2015 4:05 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Qor Kith Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Look to the post comments to see elaboration on the issues I found. Rationale: I've outlined the issues I found in the post comments.
Story - 40%
Qor Kith Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The story was functional. You set up the scenario well enough but it left questions with the reader. Why were they there? Clearly, there is a relation between the characters that brought on this confrontation but what is it? Elaborate, paint a scene that a reader can fall into. This will help raise your score in the future. Rationale: The story was serviceable and had moments of interest, but nothing that stood out and pulled me in as a reader. Try to use the words on the page as a hook to drag in the reader and enrapture them, while attempting something of a unique spin. This will give you a higher score in the future.
Realism - 25%
Qor Kith Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Refer to the post comments. Rationale: No realism issues that were apparent to me.
Continuity - 20%
Qor Kith Adept Bentre Stahoes
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Refer to the post comments. Rationale: No continuity issues that were apparent to me.
Qor Kith's Score: 3.6 Adept Bentre Stahoes's Score: 4.05
Posts

You stand in a room, nearly dark but for the pulse of rhythmic flashes of bright colored lights. Besides your opponent and yourself, you note a large number of bystanders who are sure to take exception to the coming carnage. Then again, knowing this crowd, they could just as easily find entertainment in an old-fashioned brawl. Spanky's is, after all, one of the more fashionable drinking establishments of Karufr.

The patrons seem to be a mix between the scantily clad women hawking their charms and the well-dressed gentlemen eager to part with their hard-earned credits. The odors in the tavern assault your senses and threaten to muddle your reflexes. Among them, you recognize over a dozen various types of stimulants—both legal and illegal—and the heady scent of, what is quite possibly, the most varied collection of liquor this side of the Galaxy.

The tavern itself is fraught with tactical advantages and disadvantages. Designed in the familiar style of all amphitheaters, the floor is slightly slanted toward a central stage where a lithe, twi'lek female is currently dancing. Littered amongst the floor are drink tables, heavily laden with glassware and other potential missiles. Uncomfortable, heavy metal chairs surround each of the tables in a semi-circle, so that the occupant's view of the stage is never hindered. The only exit, aside from the doorway where you stand, is a vaulted staircase—guarded by two very well-dressed, and heavily muscled, gentlemen—leading into parts unknown.

Small bars bracket the tavern on either side, filled with a glittering rainbow of bottles. Whatever is about to go down, you realize it would go down better with a stiff drink.

Thunderous waves of trance music echoed out of the narrow door in front of Wrooshuu, his eyes struck by the brilliant strobing show escaping Spanky’s. As the crack in the door stretched open for him, the Wookiee witnessed a sheer panic and jigs of the crowd. Their silhouettes covering his battle-skin in the most concealing way, as Wrooshuu slowly entered onto the dance floor. The sirens of the music increased against his ears as the dazzling flashes assaulted the Wookiee’s eyes further. While the rumble of springing footsteps deafened his ears, the Krath spotted a familiar face in the distant booth who looked quite smug whilst twirling his blaster. As he pushed through the crowds and walked closer, Wrooshuu watched the Human in order to deduce his actions.

“So I told her ‘Hey look lady, one more step and I’ll shoot you down’ and I did! That Twi’lek didn’t stand a chance after that day.” The Blackguard known as Bentre chuckled to himself, whilst the gentlemen in the booth laughed along and chugged from their bottles.

As Wrooshuu edged closer through the intoxicated and hallucinating patrons, he finally reached Bentre’s eyesight, as his synthetic eye quickly targeted the Wookiee. The assassin slowly rose to face his Quaestor, with his blaster firmly in hand and gave a puzzling look. Wrooshuu stepped slightly closer and finally out of the crowd, then motioned his head as if to recall his falcon to the gauntlet. In a scornful protest Bentre flipped his Quaestor off and returned to his heavily intoxicated guests, which didn’t help his situation. Wrooshuu let out a clamorous roar that sent chills down the Assassin’s spine, and caused the crowd to scatter from the Wookiee. The inquisitor yanked out his lightsaber and ignited the cherry blade instantly, then strode over to Bentre in a show of dominance. In a quick series of events, the Blackguard aimed his blaster at the Wookiee and fired multiple shots in an effort to catch his defence off-guard. Wrooshuu raised his crimson blade and deflected most of the precise shots, the ricochet killing or maiming random dancers in the crowd. However, Wrooshuu was not quick enough as two shots hit his battle-skin: the first at his ribs and the second across his left arm.

The Quaestor timed himself to wait for the reload as Bentre fired more shots, then in the split-second gap, he stormed forward and lunged his ruby blade at the Assassin. Bentre was too quick for the powerful swings as he was able to side step and hop his way around the giant Wookiee. However a vigorous elbow caught the lower ribs of the Blackguard, forcing him onto his knees in agony. Wrooshuu seized this moment with the desired precision, and in a powerful arc of scarlet dissevered the blaster into many pieces. Horrified by his close encounter with the lightsaber, Bentre fell further onto the ground as his eyes widened in trepidation. The Quaestor slowly paced over to his Blackguard and towered over him like an obelisk tower in the sun, his dominance over the Assassin’s mind now slowly coming into effect. As the two met their eyes in consternation, Wrooshuu concentrated his control over Bentre’s resolve and forced a surrender.

“I’m not going anywhere you walking carpet! I will decorate my wall with your skin,” the assassin shrieked out as he struggled to stand.

Darth Renatus, 2 August, 2015 2:24 PM UTC

As the crack in the door stretched open for him, the Wookiee witnessed a sheer panic and jigs of the crowd.

The wording here: "witnessed a sheer panic and jigs", doesn't fit grammatically. "witnessed the sheer panic" is how this should be worded, and "panic" isn't a word typically associated with dancing, as "jigs" is.

As Wrooshuu edged closer through the intoxicated and hallucinating patrons, he finally reached Bentre’s eyesight, as his synthetic eye quickly targeted the Wookiee.

Why is the crowd hallucinating? I presume you are making a reference to drug use but that hasn't been established in your story, which leaves this confusing to the reader.

then motioned his head as if to recall his falcon to the gauntlet.

It's good to elaborate on actions by comparing them to something 'known', but this phrasing feels misplaced. A 'beckoning motion' would have been enough to represent what you were looking to convey here, while this is out of place with the writing.

The Quaestor timed himself to wait for the reload as Bentre fired more shots, then in the split-second gap, he stormed forward and lunged his ruby blade at the Assassin.

Bentre is "Proficient" with his blaster, so I would have liked to see more about how these "more shots" were dealt with, considering they would be lethally accurate.

as he was able to side step and hop his way around the giant Wookiee.

Continuity mis-step here. As far as your story is concerned thus far, Bentre is still sitting in his booth. When did he stand up and gain the room needed to side step and hop?

Bentre fell further onto the ground as his eyes widened in trepidation.

Keep in mind Bentre's "Resolve" here, with +2 he isn't going to be succumbing to significant fear just because a saber diced his blaster.

his dominance over the Assassin’s mind now slowly coming into effect.

What is going on here? What dominance over his mind? You haven't applied any mental based Force Powers in your writing, and you seem to be trying to imply physical/status based dominance. Either way, this is poorly executed.

concentrated his control over Bentre’s resolve and forced a surrender.

"forced a surrender" implies complete success here, which you follow up as unsuccessful with Bentre's follow up dialogue.

He has no idea what he just did. Bentre glared down at the broken remains of his blaster as he stumbled to stand on shaky legs. He raised his head defiantly as an audible growl rose in his throat. Even as the Wookie towered over him, the Obelisk glared up into the coppery eyes of his Quaestor. The fear he had felt was replaced by a blinding rage.

Just kill the flea-bitten little beast. The rasping voice growled in his ear. For once, Stahoes found himself in happy agreement with the demented presence. He destroyed your long-prized blaster like it was nothing! Strike him down!

The Assassin drew a shuddering breath which bordered on an angry sob. His hand dropped to his lightsaber and he stepped back uneasily. His legs didn’t seem to want to work properly. I have no choice but to press the fight then. As the lightsaber was activated, the blue light cast an icy glow on his face and glinted off some the glasses on the table. Throwing caution to the wind, the Human charged his opponent.

Wrooshuu did not both to move to block the blow with his weapon as the Assassin expected. Instead, the Wookie side-stepped, grabbing the Human’s arm as the wild strike missed him. Using the Journeyman’s momentum, the Krath swung the Obelisk into a throw. Bentre found his feet leaving the ground. He had little time to think before he fell upon onto a table still holding drinks with a crash. The table buckled beneath him, and he felt splinters of glass piercing into his shoulders and back.

This is going to make this fight a lot harder, he growled to himself. *I will have to try and make this quick.

Make sure he suffers.

Rolling to his feet, Stahoes heard glass shards crackling beneath him. Thankfully, his jacket was thick enough to keep all of them to puncturing his flesh, but a few had managed to make it through. It was going to make this fight harder.

Oh what now, are you about to let a Krath show you up in front of all these people?

Wrooshuu made a motion to his Black Guard again with a growl, bidding the Human to relent. The Obelisk gave a smirk, walking a few feet from where he landed. He swiped up a glass and smiled at his Quaestor in mock sweetness. With a heave, he pitched the glass at his opponent. With a roar, the Krath bound forward, allowing the makeshift projectile to fly over his shoulder.

“I am not going to make it that easy on you,” Bentre yelled, drawing one foot back to line his feet. He shifted his hands on his weapon as he squared his shoulders. “I am an Obelisk, and warfare is my bread and butter.” He struck out with his blue blade, determined to cleave the Wookie in half.

The scarlet beam whipped around as Wrooshuu closed the gap between them and turned the weapon to intersect with Bentre’s own. Sparks flew between them, causing his copper eyes to flashed. With a yell, Bentre thrust out a hand and the Quaestor felt the pressure of the Force-driven impact strike with surprise.

The Wookie let out a roar and struck at Stahoes’s right hand. The pain caused a sharp grunt to escape the Journeyman’s throat and tears to form in the corners of his eyes. He barely managed to keep ahold of his lightsaber as he backpedalled from the immediate reach of the Equite. Despite his discomfort the Obelisk twirled his blade in an obvious challenge. “Come on already,” he smirked. “Is that all you have, or have all your years of slumming about in libraries made you soft?”

Darth Renatus, 2 August, 2015 2:27 PM UTC

Wrooshuu did not both to move to block the blow with his weapon as the Assassin expected.

Looks like you meant to use "bother" here instead of "both".

before he fell upon onto a table

Syntax misstep here, "upon onto" is essentially repeating the same thing.

*I will have to try and make this quick.

Hark! A defiant asterisk makes its presence known, smite it!

Thankfully, his jacket was thick enough to keep all of them to puncturing his flesh, but a few had managed to make it through.

Based on the full sentence, you probably meant to say "to keep all of them from" instead of "to keep all of them to".

It was going to make this fight harder.

Repetition here, not a major problem but you just had him mentally note "This is going to make this fight a lot harder" with the initial shards, and here it is again.

back to line his feet.

I'm actually not quite sure what you were going for here, maybe "back to line up his feet"?

causing his copper eyes to flashed

This should be "flash", not "flashed".

Soft!? You dare to call me soft!!

Wrooshuu roared out in an intense fury and wasted no time to attack his Blackguard. Hammering against the cerulean blade relentlessly, each strike just as raw as the last whilst Bentre gripped his own blade tightly and directed his defenses against his opponent. As their blades locked together, a rain of golden spikes poured from the cross locking whilst their eyes formed a furious stare more deadly than their blades. As the two struggled to gain the upper hand, the Wookiee had the better strength and was slowly pushing down his ruby blade against Bentre’s, forcing the Human to buckle his knees. The Obelisk hesitated to use the Force and call on some hidden strength, however his concentration was broken when Wrooshuu lifted his crimson blade and battered down the weakened defense. As the Wookiee’s body stretched out and curled over the young Obelisk, he could feel the sudden jolt of pain from his ribs and where that stray blaster hit him hard. Wrooshuu whimpered out and keeled back from Bentre, who in this heated moment took the chance to send a punch into his Quaestor’s jaw.

“Ha! Now you are mine!” The Blackguard shouted excitedly, his friends in the corner cheered with support for him.

The side punch to his jaw was not painful and only frustrated Wrooshuu, as he carefully lay a hand on his bleeding ribs. The oozing wound was only a small crater on skin level, the type that his abilities could heal fast, within a few seconds his abilities made a scab appear over it. The Wookiee glared back at Bentre and let out a low growl as his fiery eyes locked onto the Human. As panting and gasps for air took most of Bentre’s concentration, Wrooshuu let out a load roar and jumped at his opponent with brute force. Smashing and advancing his blows with a fearsome intent, the Krath deliberately left no time to react with each blow.

Obelisks are strong, and you are not. You will fail your master as you have failed me! Wrooshuu growled in his language.

Wrooshuu mocked his opponent in his own mother-tongue, as his overbearing strikes overpowered the Blackguard. His arms weakening as his knees buckled and collapsed once more. The strikes from the Wookiee continued to aggressively batter, Bentre’s sapphire blade unable to take the blows. Wrooshuu relentlessly smashed mighty blows of his lightsaber against the defense of Bentre and he collapsed onto the ground lifeless. The lapis blade lodged into the neck of the Obelisk, which caused the drunken men to scream out and run away. The Wookiee deactivated his blade and turned around to the broken pieces of the blaster, he bent down and collected the pieces then placed them into a patron’s bag and slowly walked back to the body.

You failed me, meatbag. You shamed the Obelisk Order.

Wrooshuu lunged the bag over his shoulder and marched towards the bar. The bartender cowered beneath the table in fear of the Wookiee, the Krath grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the bar and exited the cantina.

Darth Renatus, 2 August, 2015 2:29 PM UTC

Soft!? You dare to call me soft!! Wrooshuu roared out in an intense fury and wasted no time to attack his Blackguard.

Italicized text used on it's own denotes internal thoughts in writing, this is a generally accepted rule. However, here you are using to to 'translate' what Wrooshuu is saying for the reader. That's fine, but it should still follow the rules of dialogue. Place it in quotes and keep it italicized.

a rain of golden spikes poured from the cross

Should be "sparks".

The Obelisk hesitated to use the Force and call on some hidden strength, however his concentration was broken when Wrooshuu lifted his crimson blade and battered down the weakened defense.

Bentre has +3 in Amplification. It wouldn't require much concentration at all to add strength to his arms.

Wrooshuu let out a load roar and jumped at his opponent with brute force.

This should be "loud".

Wrooshuu growled in his language. Wrooshuu mocked his opponent in his own mother-tongue

Repetition. You restated the same thing right after the other here.

The strikes from the Wookiee continued to aggressively batter, Bentre’s sapphire blade unable to take the blows. Wrooshuu relentlessly smashed mighty blows of his lightsaber against the defense of Bentre and he collapsed onto the ground lifeless. The lapis blade lodged into the neck of the Obelisk, which caused the drunken men to scream out and run away.

So, first up here is another case of repetition. You keep repeating how he is relentlessly battering Bentre. Then, from there, you have Bentre collapse to the group lifeless, then state your saber is lodged in his neck? That is both continuity and realism issues. A saber wouldn't stop in the neck of a Human, especially with the aggression you've been elaborating upon. As well, this doesn't make much sense if he is on the ground already.

The Wookie's eyes narrowed at these words. The Krath stepped forward very heavily, as though silently warning the Human to back off. He was far from pleased that much was clear.

The Assassin could not help but grin a little at this. “You had better back out while you can, beast.” The Corellian’s voice was becoming more intense, its tone changing from before. It was just a little deeper and fell harsher on the ear. “Otherwise I may have to show you the fury of an Obelisk in true form.”

Wrooshuu gave a deep growl of warning. It was a gesture wasted on the conceited warrior. He found a button to push,and he was going to push it as far as he could. “Just go slink off into a musty library, and leave the real work to the Obelisks. After all, your kind are only good fo-”

The word was caught in Stahoes’s throat, replaced by a sharp output of air. He felt the crushing of his windpipe about the time that he felt his feet leaving the ground. The Equite had quickly closed the gap with his tall strides. A scattered group of onlookers let out a cheer. The Journeyman had been lifted into the air as easily as if he were a child. The Wookie’s muscles, enhanced by both the Force and raw anger, neither shook nor quivered.

Bentre did not have long to contemplate the situation he found himself in however. Wrooshuu’s eyes seemed to flash for a moment before the Assassin was catapulted into the air. The Krath Priest had thrown him like a toy across the room. Before the gravity of the situation had sunk in to the Corellian’s thick skull, gravity had pulled him painfully to the ground. The Obelisk moaned a bit as pain lanced through his body. He tried to do anything to coax his body to keep moving, to try to keep fighting. The fight had proven too much for the headstrong human.

Wrooshuu stood over his Blackguard for a moment, before letting out an annoyed huff of air. With a grunt, he grabbed the Obelisk by his right leg, and began to roughly drag him toward the door. The remaining patrons did nothing to stop him.

Soon the Krath would be teaching the young one patience. He would learn discipline. He would learn obedience. The Wookie would work the disciple as long and hard as was necessary.

Darth Renatus, 2 August, 2015 2:30 PM UTC

The ending you wrote here feels somewhat abrupt. Fleshing it out more would have helped your score.

Before the gravity of the situation had sunk in to the Corellian’s thick skull

This should be "into".