Dark Jedi Knight Revs vs. Krath Priest Kordath Bleu d'Tana

Knight Revs

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Miraluka, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Krath Priest Kordath Bleu d'Tana

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Krath, Shadow
Comment

In the end, Kordath walks away with a neat win here. This is not to say that Revs did not write well, but merely that Kordath demonstrated (as the grading shows) his experience and storytelling ability to pull ahead with more polished posts and a tight, but interesting story. I felt his final post was much more interesting, and that's really what pushed him over the edge in my mind, regardless of the difference in Syntax.

Revs, get your stuff proofed. Keep working and getting better. You have a really good head/eye for writing a duel, especially with swordsmanship, but you need to figure out how to incorporate other elements of conflict into your posts (environment, obstacles, challenges for your character to overcome).

Kord--stop complaining about not writing combat. You can do it, just put your mind to it and be creative like you were here. It's refreshing to read a non-Marauder-Saber-Swinger engaged in combat over his head all the time.

Good fight, both of you. Would love to see a rematch down the line.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Dark Jedi Knight Revs, Krath Priest Kordath Bleu d'Tana
Winner Krath Priest Kordath Bleu d'Tana
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Dark Jedi Knight Revs's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Krath Priest Kordath Bleu d'Tana's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 4 September, 2015 9:01 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
General Stres'tron'garmis Duelist Revs
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Few silly mistakes noted in comments. Rationale: Proof your posts. There were enough errors that detracted from reading.
Story - 40%
General Stres'tron'garmis Duelist Revs
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Clever, simple story. Engaging and made me chuckle while enjoying the engagement. Rationale: When your Final Post is barely hitting the minimum word count, you leave a lot on the table to be desired. There was nothing bad about your story, as it was well written and your combat was interesting within the conflict. However, there was nothing there that made it stand out or even push towards making me invested beyond the surface level. Good banter, though, flowed well with Kords.
Realism - 25%
General Stres'tron'garmis Duelist Revs
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No glaring errors I saw, adhered to CS's and venue. Rationale: No glaring errors I saw, adhered to CS's and venue.
Continuity - 20%
General Stres'tron'garmis Duelist Revs
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that I saw Rationale: None that I saw.
General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 4.45 Duelist Revs's Score: 3.9
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Kordath Bleu smiled at his fellow Arconan while drawing his saber. The Sith before him was younger, more muscular and far better trained in the arts of war. Bleu smirked at the thought that just because somebody was better trained, it somehow made them the better combatant. Sometimes it came down to the experience and the ability to adapt to the situation. Revs had his saber already activated, the emerald blade angled towards the Ryn in a classic duelist’s stance. Blue shook his head as he recalled the reasons the Consul had sent the two of them here.

’Take him with you to Karufr, Bleuboy. I know Celevon did a very good job teaching him to fight, and to kill for the Clan. Maybe you can show him the Massassi. An old and traditional group of warriors could be a good influence on him. And try and get him some more culture, for goodness sakes! It’s hard to send him off as an assassin if he just looks like a swoop ganger.’

Kord smirked, Atyiru had sent the kid off with him to ‘get some culture’. For the past week they’d been bouncing about Karufr taking in the sights and hitting the pubs. The whole time the Miraluka had seemed distant and tense. Kordath hadn’t expected much in the way of social skills from someone Edraven had trained, but he was bored of him at this point. Sure the kid acted laid back, however, he didn’t seem to give half a frakk about anything they’d done. So the Ryn had relented on ‘culture’ and brought the Sith to the temple of the Masassi. Somehow they’d wind-up in the sparring ring, because eventually everybody tried to kick the crap out of the Priest.

“They want a show, Revs-milad! Let’s make this good, eh?” he shouted over the din of stomping feet.

The Miraluka flourished his blade and tracked the Ryn as they slowly circled each other. A small smile played across the Sith’s face as he began to close-in on the Priest.

“This’ll be the most fun I’ve had on this fieldtrip, Kordath.”

Revs spun his blade once before moving forward and coming in with a downward slash. Kordath quickly stepped away, batting aside the follow up lunge and hopping back from the Sith. The Priest kept up this defensive strategy for a nearly a minute, parrying blows and dancing away. Years of alcohol and spending far more time studying scrolls and tomes had taken their toll. He was sweating and the young Miraluka wasn’t getting as frustrated as Bleu had hoped. The Sith looked focused, determined... not like he was exerting himself at all.

Feeling his shirt start to stick from the exertion of running away, Kordath glanced quickly to the side and had noticed the Massassi onlookers had started to turn ugly. He glanced between Revs and the restless red-skinned giants.The Ryn fell back a step and away from the younger Arconan's well-crafted strike. He grit his teeth and tried to keep the emerald blade from singing his moustache.

The blindfolded man smirked as he pressed against the Ryn’s guard.

“If this is the limit of your skills, Bleu, no wonder the Clan has to put together a rescue mission every few months for you.”

“Oh that’s just low, Blindy,” The Priest growled as he watched the Sith’s jaw twitch and clench in response to the name calling.

“Really? Are you going to resort to verbal jabs to make up for your lack of talent with the blade, little Ryn?”

Keeping a watchful eye on the other man, Kordath grinned as he used his tail as a counter-weight and fell backwards from the guard. The Sith stumbled forward, with a few choice words that his mother certainly wouldn’t approve of, before gasping in surprise as the Ryn used his momentum and a booted foot to drive into the Miraluka’s groin.

“Not...nice!…!” Revs choked out as he fell forward. Kordath grinned as he stood up tall before turning to take a little bow towards the Massassi warriors. Elated by the reaction of the crowd he failed to notice the Miraluka, properly angry now, already getting back on his feet.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 September, 2015 8:34 PM UTC

Kord smirked, Atyiru had sent the kid off with him to ‘get some culture’.

Synonym rolls? Just like Grammar used to make?

Revs spun his blade once before moving forward and coming in with a downward slash. Kordath quickly stepped away, batting aside the follow up lunge and hopping back from the Sith. The Priest kept up this defensive strategy for a nearly a minute, parrying blows and dancing away.

Not a negative point, but just commentary since you are always complaining about hating to write combat: one minute doesn't mean anything to me, as a reader. How long is a fight really? How long is that minute? It's lazy, and a really simple thing you can adjust to drastically increase your combat writing ability without much effort. You can talk about how the attacks start to wear down a defense--arms growing heavier, breath getting labored. SHOW me how time is passing by SHOWING me how it effects the two fighters. Don't just tell me about it.

The first line was perfect though. You can write combat, I know you hate it, but if you say "I can't" you're selling yourself short because you very much can. /end WallyRant

The Sith stumbled forward, with a few choice words that his mother certainly wouldn’t approve of, before gasping in surprise as the Ryn used his momentum and a booted foot to drive into the Miraluka’s groin.

I giggled.

He grit his teeth and tried to keep the emerald blade from singing his moustache.

MOUSTACHE. But yea, I know Vegetta can sing it, but I think you meant "singeing".

The young Miraluka fought the urge to vomit as a sharp pain spread from his groin to his stomach. He knew he would still be able to fight, but he wouldn't be able to make any fast lunges until the pain resided. The Run looked over his shoulder at Revs as the crowd of Massassi warriors hushed their cheers.

"Oh? Still needing to learn a lesson blindly?" Kordath asked nervously.

"No, little Ryn. But I will gladly teach you a few things. Starting with how to construct better insults, " Snapped back as he started slowly toward his opponent. Kordath pulled his lightsaber up in a basic two handed grip, pointing the blade right at Revs face.

The Sith stopped his advance just at the edge of his opponents range. The Miraluka studied his opponents position, looking for an open line to attack. There was no way for him to hit the Krath without taking a lightsaber to the face, but that was ok. He would make an opening.

Ignoring the pain in his stomach, Revs made a small lunge forward stabbing at Kordath's left shoulder. Before the Ryn's blade connected with his for the parry, Revs retracted his jab and stabbed again at his opponent's right shoulder. The Priest managed to parry his blade hard and to the left. The young Assassin took two small hops out of the Ryn's reach.

"Maybe I should teach you some proper swordplay instead," The Miraluka smirked. "I figured a vagabond Ryn would be more educated on fighting, or is your species always on the run because you can't win?"

"There are far easier and more efficient ways to defeat your enemy. Maybe if you traveled more and and learned more about other cultures, you might learn some yourself," The Ryn snapped back as he whipped the sweat from his face.

"Well so far I've learned that the booze and women on this planet are lame, and you can't fight. Ready to finish this fight?" Revs asked, sounding cocky.

"More than ready," Kordath replied between pants.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 September, 2015 8:40 PM UTC

The Run looked over his shoulder at Revs as the crowd of Massassi warriors hushed their cheers.

You know what you did wrong here.

"Oh? Still needing to learn a lesson blindly?" Kordath asked nervously.

lesson, Blindy?* -> when you address someone in dialogue, 99% of the time you're going to want to have a comma indicating the half-pause of breath that we naturally do anytime we are bringing up someones name.

Snapped back as he started slowly toward his opponent.

Who snapped back? Should be: , Kordath snapped back

parry, Revs retracted his jab and stabbed again at his opponent's right shoulder. The Priest managed to parry his blade hard and to the left.

Repetition department of redundancy. You used parry twice. Not negative points, but I expect better from my apprentices.

back as he whipped the sweat from his face.

I mean. Technically you can whip the sweat away from you, like flicking your head/hair... but I'm pretty sure you meant "wiped" in this context.

With barely a limp the Miraluka came at Kordath once more, blade cutting through the air with the sound of an angry insect. The Krath surprised both himself and his assailant by parrying the slash and giving ground once more. His shock didn’t last as the familiar pattern of evade and block started all over again, and the Ryn knew he was going to lose this little sparring match if he didn’t break the cycle. Ducking the emerald blade of the Sith, he took the possibly suicidal approach by dashing forward and driving his shoulder into the younger Arconan’s midsection.

The sound of breath rushing out was elating, right before Revs lifted his weapon up and slammed the base of his hilt into the Ryn’s back. Kordath grunted as he hit the ground, spitting out dirt and grass. With a grunt the Priest pushed himself up and looked around for his lightsaber, spotting it several feet away. The Sith was closer to him, bent at the waist and coughing as his face went red.

“I...am...so gonna cut that stupid tail off for you,” spoke the Knight between gasps for air.

Kordath snorted, glancing at his fallen weapon, “Come up with something new, hear that one all the time kid.”

Right, this could work out...just...have to…not die, thought the Ryn, still on his hands and knees. Revs was starting to breath properly again, it seemed, as the Krath reached one hand into his robes. Grasping a concussion grenade he had tucked into the back of his sash he slowly depressed the switch and held it in place.

Taking a deep breath the Ryn slowly moved to rise, watching the Sith out of the corner of his eye as the Knight approached. Revs was lifting his blade, possibly to make good on his threat to take the Priest’s tail. Kordath waited until he’d closed and raised the weapon to it’s apex, as the weapon began to come down he dropped the grenade and rolled himself towards his own saber.

Snatching up the hilt and springing to his feet, the Ryn spun in anticipation, trying to anticipate the concussive blast that was about to occur. What he hadn’t counted on was the younger man learning to suspect him of playing dirty. Somehow, likely through aid of the Force, Revs had been ready. Kordath saw the grenade sailing towards him in an arc that looked as if it started from the Sith’s outstretched foot.

He bloody kicked a grenade!?

That was the last thought before the explosive detonated, sending out a wave of displaced air and knocking the Ryn to the ground. Ringing filled Bleu’s ears as he blinked up at the clear sky, before a blindfolded figure filled his vision. The man’s mouth moved to form words, but the Krath couldn’t hear past the high pitched noises. Revs shook his head and lifted a booted foot, the last thing Kordath saw was the treads as they came down on his face ushering in the darkness.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 September, 2015 9:12 PM UTC

With barely a limp the Miraluka came at Kordath once more, blade cutting through the air with the sound of an angry insect. The Krath surprised both himself and his assailant by parrying the slash and giving ground once more. His shock didn’t last as the familiar pattern of evade and block started all over again, and the Ryn knew he was going to lose this little sparring match if he didn’t break the cycle. Ducking the emerald blade of the Sith, he took the possibly suicidal approach by dashing forward and driving his shoulder into the younger Arconan’s midsection.

This. This is combat. You CAN write it. Just intersperse things like this with the rest of your clever/humorous writing style. You can be dangerous. Mind over confidence, bruh :P.

“Come up with something new, hear that one all the time kid.”

time, kid. *

Right, this could work out...just...have to…not die, thought the Ryn, still on his hands and knees. Revs was starting to breath properly again, it seemed, as the Krath reached one hand into his robes. Grasping a concussion grenade he had tucked into the back of his sash he slowly depressed the switch and held it in place.

This works, but, in the interest of things you cold do better (no points docked, just comments) I'd use Kords name here, or break this up pacing wise. In my head...I almost read it as Revs was reaching for his concussion grenade. This could be re-written a bit differently and made more clear, but you I still completely got what you were going for.

the weapon to it’s apex, as the weapon began to come down he dropped the grenade and rolled himself towards his own saber.

apex. (Period) As teh weapon began to come down, he dropped *


I love your ending. It's probably what wins you the match.

Revs smiled as he lunged forward at his opponent, throwing the same series of attacks he had performed when he last presses the attack. Just as he expected, the Priest blocked the thrusts the exact same way he had the first time. Revs also noticed that his opponent seemed to slam his blade far too hard on his last parry. That was going to be the rookie mistake that would cost him this match.

The Assassin threw a few more feint attacks before switching back to his original combo. This time when the Ryn went to parry the attack to his left shoulder, Revs relaxed his wrist, allowing his blade to drop under his opponent's lightsaber. Without Revs lightsaber there to stop its momentum, Kordaths blade swung far to the right. With the Ryn off balance, the Miraluka snapped his wrist up to bring his blade back on the line of attack. Taking the open shot, the duelist stabbed the emerald blade of his lightsaber into the Kraths shoulder.

Kordath let out a scream as he dropped his lighsaber, and grasped at his right shoulder. The crowd of Massassi cheered loudly as Revs stepped back and flourished his lightsaber in a wide arc. He never took his eyes off his opponent as he expected another dirty shot.

"Frak! Did you actually have to injure me!" The priest screamed.

"Consider it payback for kicking me in the Krayt Dragon Pearls," Revs said sarcastically.

"Now first lesson. Our sabers don't require a lot of pressure to cut or block. Use your wrist and elbow more than your shoulders. You will lose the unnecessary power and gain speed," The Miriluka instructed. "Now class is over. You are buying the drinks tonight."

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 8 September, 2015 9:16 PM UTC

Revs smiled as he lunged forward at his opponent, throwing the same series of attacks he had performed when he last presses the attack.

pressed*

The Assassin threw a few more feint attacks before switching back to his original combo. This time when the Ryn went to parry the attack to his left shoulder, Revs relaxed his wrist, allowing his blade to drop under his opponent's lightsaber. Without Revs lightsaber there to stop its momentum, Kordaths blade swung far to the right. With the Ryn off balance, the Miraluka snapped his wrist up to bring his blade back on the line of attack. Taking the open shot, the duelist stabbed the emerald blade of his lightsaber into the Kraths shoulder.

Combat boner. More of this, please.