Dark Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya vs. Sith Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Elder 3, Elder tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Sorcerer
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Good job to you both. This was an enjoyable read and a great bit of lore building for the new entry to the Clan. You both built the story together without either party really coming across as being in the driving seat.

While neither side was perfect, no one ever truly is. In terms of improvement, please keep the comments in mind and keep getting stronger in fiction.

Story wise, it is fair to say you both did a more than adequate job, but the pillar rose ever so higher on Halcyon's side of the field, bringing a strong conclusion to the bout. With that in mind, Halcyon Rokir Taldrya is the winner of this match.

See you both in the ACC again soon!

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Dark Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya, Sith Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Dark Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Dark Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Sith Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr - Massassi Temple Training Grounds
Last Post 26 August, 2015 1:51 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lord Halcyon Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had several small issues that I point out in the comments. Rationale: Only a few small issues that are pointed out.
Story - 40%
Lord Halcyon Deleted
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You did a good job building on the story as it was established by Andrelious. You tied in both the venue and the NPCs therein with very organic writing that had them adding to the story rather than diminishing it. As well, you brought the bout to a satisfying conclusion that told of the greater story at large, beyond the bout. Still, it was lacking in the "wow" factor that comes with a grade 5 story. Rationale: You did a good job setting up the "rite of passage" story line here. You set up history and context without losing the reader, then continued to provide a well constructed and easy to follow story. Your ending felt a bit rushed though, and didn't give as much of a foretelling of the larger story to come as I would like to see in a story that would really "wow" me and get you up to a 5.
Realism - 25%
Lord Halcyon Deleted
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No noticeable issues in terms of Realism for both character sheets and the venue. Rationale: You had what can be considered a major realism error in your final post. Please refer to the comment there.
Continuity - 20%
Lord Halcyon Deleted
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: There were no continuity issues as far as I could tell. Rationale: There were no continuity issues as far as I could tell.
Lord Halcyon's Score: 4.45 Deleted's Score: 4.35
Posts

Deep within the jungles of Karufr lies a massive temple built from stone blocks, hand-carved by the builders of the Massassi. The ancient race made its home on the planet after joining forces with Clan Taldryan, having been freed from stasis years ago. Now, an entire civilization exists, hidden far from the prying eyes of Karufr's citizenry. As a Jedi, you are one of the few to have access to their secret base.

You step onto the temple grounds and watch the fearsome warriors train in small regiments with their crude weapons. The entire temple is in a state of anticipation as the Massassi know they will soon be called on once more to aid the Dark Jedi of Taldryan in battle. The temple is shaped like a giant pyramid, towering into the sky, and serves as a backdrop to the training ground.

The War Chief notices you and gestures you forward. He clears the area around you with a bellowing command, and the Massassi warriors present form a wide circle with you at the center. A moment later, you realize you're not the only Jedi to visit the temple—the crowd parts slightly to allow the newcomer to enter the ring. The gathered Massassi holler in good cheer. They want to see a fight.

The Chief raises his weapon to the sky and barks a command. The Massassi begin to stamp their feet against the ground, creating a loud, steady beat that seems to get your blood pumping. With little choice left, you lock eyes with your opponent and ready yourself for a fight.

Andrelious tried his best to ignore the baying crowd as he tried to ascertain the identity of the other Force user. Whoever it was had an incredibly powerful Force imprint, but once he came into the Warlord’s field of view, the distinctly green colour scheme gave away at once that Mimosa-Inahj was face to face with a Dark Prophet; an individual whose power was second only to the Grand Masters. “Halcyon. Son of Taldryan,” Andrelious declared.

“Greetings, Andrelious. What brings you to Karufr?” the former Deputy Grand Master responded.

The Warlord smirked. “I am here to offer my services to Clan Taldryan. Arcona became a little too..clingy,”

“After all of the damage you’ve done to Taldryan in the name of the Shadow Clan?” Halcyon scoffed.

“War is war, Halcyon. Besides, you were once part of Arcona. Don’t think that painting yourself green will hide that you were an Arconæ,” the Warlord snapped back.

“Ancient choices don’t matter to my friends here. You were on the front line, against us, as recently as the conflict on Korriban,” the Taldrya replied, his tone indicating that he had no more to say.

“Be that as it may, I hold no loyalty to Arcona or the Shadow Lord anymore,” Andrelious answered, turning to leave. He hadn’t taken more than a single step away before the Force yelled a warning at him. Moments later he heard the familiar snap-hiss of a lightsaber blade. Grasping for his own weapon, the Warlord spun on his heels just in time to see the Son of Taldryan charging in. Raising his lightsaber above his head, the younger Sith was surprised at how easily he could parry the attack, having expected the Prophet to be far more able with a lightsaber. As it was, he was even able to partially dictate the tempo of the battle, using his shorter height to strike at Halcyon’s lower body.

As he dipped and dived his emerald blade in a deathly dance with the apparently equal skills of his adversary, the Elder began to realise that fighting Andrelious saber-to-saber wasn’t working. He had heard of the Warlord’s skill in a cockpit, that he had shot down many of Taldryan’s pilots, and had long held the hope that he’d meet his fellow pilot in space and teach him a stern lesson, but it seemed that the Force had other plans. They’d met not among the stars, but on solid ground, and Andrelious, much like Halcyon himself, had shown himself to be far more than a simple fighter jockey. In such a situation, tractor beams and concussion missiles, tools that both knew well, gave way to lightsabers and blasters.

As Andrelious ducked to avoid a sinister slash that still came within inches of removing his head, Halcyon found himself growing increasingly annoyed with his obstinate opponent. His green eyes began to burn as red as the Warlord’s lightsaber as frustration grew. Stepping back, the Prophet raised his arms. Andrelious guessed what was about to happen but found himself completely defenceless as his face took the brunt of an incredibly powerful impact, as if he had been hit by some kind of bludgeon.

Falling to the ground, Andrelious coughed and spluttered, spitting out a couple of teeth that had been severed by the attack. Blood gushed from his now broken nose, pooling in a crack on the ground nearby. The crowd cheered at the sight of blood, apparently delighted with what Halcyon had done. The Warlord climbed to his feet, sore but determined to continue.

“This is one hell of an initiation rite,” he stated dryly, waiting for the Elder’s next move.

Atra, 27 August, 2015 12:46 AM UTC

“I am here to offer my services to Clan Taldryan. Arcona became a little too..clingy,”

Minor syntax error. An ellipses has three periods, and you ended with a comma.

He hadn’t taken more than a single step away before the Force yelled a warning at him. Moments later he heard the familiar snap-hiss of a lightsaber blade.

The wording here is a bit awkward. "Moments later" makes the reader think of a wider time span than you seem to be going for with the fact that the Force gave you a warning of danger.

As he dipped and dived his emerald blade in a deathly dance

Maybe you meant to go for "deadly" here, but "deathly" means something is death-like. Not lethal. "He had a deathly pallor" for instance.

“You are not entirely wrong,” Halcyon stated calmly, as he slowly made a circuitous route around his opponent. “You may have been granted entrance by the Summit, but if you wish to keep your life you must prove yourself to the rest of these fine gentlemen.”

Andrelious’ eyes followed the sweep of Halcyon’s hand, with the hard eyes of the Massassi warriors staring back at him. He wiped at the remaining bit of blood that clung to the bottom of his nose as he relaxed his posture slightly, while putting a small smirk on his face.

“There really is no need for this, Rokir,” Andrelious calmly said, without taking his eyes off Halcyon. “You know my loyalty is tied to Taldryan. We are brothers now.”

Halcyon had stopped his pacing as the words seemed to seep within the recesses of his mind. He could feel the truth behind him as they slowly broke down his own doubts. A deafening roar of anger, both out-loud and through the Force, washed over Halcyon and snapped him out his own thoughts. The Massassi were in a rage, their lanvaroks pounding in front of their feet, shaking the ground around them.

“Do you feel that?” Halcyon growled, knowing the trick that Andrelious had attempted. “They know only honourable battle. You will fight me or they will kill you before I do.”

Andrelious’ relaxed stance went away as he stiffened his spine, grasping the hilt of his lightsaber a little tighter. He gave a slight nod to the Elder across from him as a way to say he understood the situation.

“Good,” was Halcyon’s only reply before his flicked a hand at Andrelious, sending another bolt of pure telekinetic energy at the other Sith. The former Arconan had no time to react as the blow slammed into his chest and sent him reeling backwards onto the ground. He felt at his chest, his breath coming in ragged gulps, but nothing seemed to be too injured.

He had no more time to assess his injuries before instinctively rolling to one side as a green blade of energy slashed at where he had just been. He used his momentum to roll onto his feet, bringing his own blade into position to defend against any other attack. Halcyon had not pressed his attack after the last blow, but instead stood a few paces from him, his eyes locked onto his.

“Do you truly think you can prove yourself to everyone gathered here?”

Andrelious took his time to answer as he looked around at the faces that had gathered for his battle. Each one was locked into a visage of hatred, and each one was directed at him. Steeling himself he turned back to Halcyon, “Yes, I do.”

A small smile seemed to briefly play across Halcyon’s lips at the answer, but disappeared in the same instant as tendrils of dark side energy flashed from his fingers and dove to envelope the other Sith.

Atra, 27 August, 2015 12:46 AM UTC

He could feel the truth behind him as they slowly broke down his own doubts.

This reads like you meant to use "behind them" in reference to the words, rather than to something behind you.

“Good,” was Halcyon’s only reply before his flicked a hand at Andrelious, sending another bolt of pure telekinetic energy at the other Sith.

Should be "before he flicked".

The Force attack hit Andrelious with an incredible fury that reminded him just how powerful his opponent was. Still, the Warlord stood firm, determined to prove himself strong enough to resist the power of an Elder, even if defeating Halcyon was perhaps beyond his abilities. The younger Sith had come to Taldryan, not only to escape what he saw as Arcona’s inexorable march towards the light, but to learn from their veterans in a bid to increase his own powers. Now, as he faced one in battle, he was discovering just how strong in the Force one could become. Halcyon, a fully-fledged Sith Lord, stood on the cusp of Grand Mastery, and was seemingly fully prepared to call on the entirety of his almost limitless powers to attack Mimosa-Inahj.

Leaping to his feet, Andrelious steeled himself, ready to fight Halcyon saber-to-saber. The Prophet remained unmoving, inviting his opponent onto him. Not needing to be asked twice, the Warlord charged in, blade held high. As he approached, he pointed the fingers of his left hand directly at the Sorcerer. Electricity sparked into life, shooting a brief bolt of charge towards Halcyon.

“You’ll have to do better than that,” the Prophet scoffed, utilising his lightsaber to easily dissipate Andrelious’ attack. The Inquisitor cursed under his breath, before attacking with his lightsaber. Halcyon moved smoothly, if a little slowly, to block his opponent. Andrelious, determined to press home the one tiny advantage he believed he had. He used every ounce of his strength, every last bit of his speed, every breath in his body, to try and find a way past the determined defence of Halcyon’s Djem So style.

The crowd’s howling for blood intensified further as the two Sith fought. Halcyon found himself being pushed slowly back towards the wall by the Warlord’s powerful, determined blows. Andrelious’ face was a picture of concentration, his expression a grimace as he continued asking questions of his opponent’s prowess with a lightsaber. Still the son of Taldryan held firm, even managing to counter-attack and score a minor hit to Mimosa-Inahj’s shoulder.

As Andrelious’ face contorted with the pain from his new wound, he pushed on even harder, smashing the crimson blade of his weapon into its opposite number with such force that Halcyon stumbled backwards. Sensing his chance, Andrelious leant forwards, looking to plunge his lightsaber into his opponent’s chest. Halcyon dodged to the left just in time, causing Andrelious to lose his footing and land sprawling on the floor. His E-11 blaster was jostled from its holster, falling onto the ground out of reach.

Time to finish this. Halcyon thought, gently lifting his opponent with the Force. With a simple hand gesture, he levitated Andrelious slowly towards him, stopping the Warlord’s movement only when his lightsaber was slightly out of range. Mimosa-Inahj glared angrily at the older Sith, but was aware there was very little he could do: Halcyon had him.

“You have fought hard today, Andrelious. But next time, we meet in space,” the Prophet declared, allowing his opponent to drop unceremoniously. Before the Inquisitor could respond, Halcyon was walking away, his message clear.

Andrelious had stood up to an Elder. And impressed.

Atra, 27 August, 2015 12:46 AM UTC

You did a great job describing your awe at Halcyon's abilities... But stood hard against the pain? This is lightning you're talking about. Even at low levels this is excruciating pain and there is nothing on your sheet, other than maybe Control Self, that could let you stand up to the pain of a full brunt hit and then "leap" to your feet afterwards.

Andrelious’ blade flashed up in an instance to meet the incoming attack, managing to save himself from its deadly touch. The smell of ozone wafted through the air as the tendrils of force energy licked at his face, but still he held on. There seemed to be no stop to the attack as his arms began to falter under the constant bombardment, but without warning the lightning ceased. Andrelious took in a ragged breath, his body looking to catch a moment of rest although his mind could already sense what was coming and prepared.

Another powerful telekinetic bolt slammed into Andrelious’ chest, and although his defenses were up he was still driven back a few paces. Halcyon wasted no time with a follow-up, his emerald blade slashing through the open air. Andrelious brought his own blade around, green and red energy fighting for supremacy. Halcyon used his greater height to his advantage, pressing down on the smaller, but stronger human. Andrelious breaks the deadlock first, quickly spinning away from Rokir. Halcyon was quicker however, moving with unnatural speed as he slashed one-handed at his opponent, driving him off-balance.

Andrelious never saw Halcyon’s off-hand moving at his side. It was only the tingling sensation at the back of his head that suggested something was off. He moved without thinking, but it wasn’t enough to save him from a sudden jolt of pain that slammed into his leg and sent him reeling to the ground. As he fell he saw a bryar pistol, green and black in colour, float along the air and go back into Halcyon’s palm who then re-holstered the weapon.

“I thought this was honourable battle,” Andrelious spat, clutching at his leg as he forced it to heal as quickly as it could.

“I have nothing to prove,” Halcyon calmly answered. “We have bled together and I have saved many of them in combat, while they have saved me in turn. How many did you kill in the war for Arcona? Do you even know?”

Andrelious ignored the questions as he slowly rose to his feet. He shrugged off the blaster rifle that still slung to his back, knowing it would only hinder him further as he gingerly stood on both legs. He was clearly favouring his leg, but he fought to control the pain that clawed at him.

“It doesn’t matter in the end,” Halcyon continued, “your life was forfeit the moment you came here. And you brought your family too. Now they will pay for your failure as well.”

A growl of anger burst out of Andrelious’ lips at the mention of his family and he burst forward in a rage. His pains seemed forgotten as he descended on Halcyon, his blade an extension of his emotions as it slashed with blinding speed. Halcyon managed to deflect the first attack, but was on the defensive as the smaller man continued at him with a relentless barrage of attacks. The ruby blade found an opening, its tip running across Halcyon’s abdomen. Halcyon managed to bite down on the cry of pain that threatened to escape his lips as he avoided a second slash meant to finish the job of the first. Needed space he leapt backwards and with his free hand threw a hail of loose stone at the other Sith.

Andrelious was stopped in his tracks as the pieces of stone blinded him while biting into any exposed skin. As Halcyon landed he sent one last blow of telekinetic energy. Distracted, Andrelious had no time to dodge the attack as it landed on the side of his head. He staggered back, flashes of light bursting in front of his eyes as he tried to regain a semblance of balance. Halcyon never gave him the time, his hand coming up and once more loosening a wave of deadly energy that enveloped his foe and sent him to the floor.

Andrelious squirmed within the cascade of energy, fighting to stay consciousness, even when he felt the attack subdue. As blackness crept in from the corner of his vision he could see the feet of the Massassi coming closer to him. There was nothing he could do as the darkness took hold.

<<-o->>

Andrelious groaned in pain as he opened his eyes. It was still light out and he blinked furiously at the brightness. All the pains were still there, but he could also feel a few that seemed new. His ragged breathing told me he had managed to break a rib or two while unconscious. Turning to his side he could see a number of large footprints right next to him. As his eyes moved up to the temple he saw Halcyon sitting on one of its steps, alone.

“Congratulations, you still live,” Halcyon said as he saw Andrelious lift his head. “Many of the warriors wanted you dead, and were in the process of succeeding before the Senior War Chief himself intervened. The protection of your own family boded well for you this day. They have not accepted you, but they will watch. Do right by us and you live. Do wrong, and all that you care about is forfeit. Taldryan will accept the decision of the tribe in this matter.”

Without another word Halcyon rose and made his way up the temple steps, leaving Andrelious on the ground to contemplate his own future in the Clan.

Atra, 27 August, 2015 12:47 AM UTC

Andrelious’ blade flashed up in an instance to meet the incoming attack, managing to save himself from its deadly touch.

This should be "in an instant".

tendrils of force energy licked at his face

The Force should always be a proper noun.

Needed space he leapt backwards and with his free hand threw a hail of loose stone at the other Sith.

This should be "Needing".