Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Knight Revs

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Knight Revs

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Miraluka, Sith, Shadow
Comment

A couple of things apply to both of you, here. The setup was decent. There was decent context given for the reader explaining why these characters would be fighting each other. However, the dialogue felt a little overdone for my taste. It's a fine line, writing dialogue that feels natural and what feels forced. The dialogue just felt a little bit too much for my tastes here.

The big thing, and what decided this match, was Andrelious' decision to amputate Revs in the second to last post. We discussed this among the ACC staff, and the consensus was that inflicting such a grievous injury on your opponent in a post before the final one was not good storytelling. It leaves too little room for them to meaningfully write something in their last post. Revs' choice in writing the final post of the battle was basically between: spending at least 450 words writing his own death that was predetermined from the post before, or write his character being saved somewhat miraculously. He chose the second, and in this instance, I think it worked, given the context of the match.

Andrelious, I can't help but feeling like you sort of phoned this match in. It seems like you didn't really give as much thought to this particular fight as you have to some of the others that I've graded from you. As such, Revs managed to sneak through with the win.

Hall Rivalries
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Rivalries
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Knight Revs
Winner Knight Revs
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Revs's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue New Tython: Visulu Marketplace
Last Post 11 September, 2015 5:31 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Vivackus Kavon di Plagia
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Duelist Revs
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Small notes. See individual posts. Rationale: Small notes. See individual posts.
Story - 40%
Deleted Duelist Revs
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Slicing someone's hand off before the final post is a really poor move, and it basically cost you the match here. That kind of debilitation doesn't leave the writer much to go on at all, and pretty much ties his hands with your opponent can end the match. Rationale: In a vacuum, I think I'd see the arrival of COU Jedi in your final post as a deus ex machina and penalize you for it. That being said, they were foreshadowed from Andrelious' first post as being close by, so it makes sense, and you didn't really have anywhere else that you could go except to write Revs dying. He wrote you into a corner, and you did a decent job of making the most of it.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Duelist Revs
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: I just want to note here that I really appreciate how disciplined you were with your last post. Losing a limb in battle is pretty devastating, and I think you portrayed that well.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Duelist Revs
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Deleted's Score: 3.65 Duelist Revs's Score: 4.05
Posts

The natives see it as an obstacle to their lifestyle, whilst outsiders perceive it as a diamond in the rough. Regardless of the opinion, Menat Ombo is the most technological settlement on New Tython. Crammed with tall and slim towers, alleys and market squares have randomly developed where the necessary room is. You might turn a corner and see a vendor selling smoked meat from the indigenous animals, and the next corner could be a home. The merchant stalls are almost always temporary, folding easily with several clippings or a really good show of strength. Above the awnings of the stalls, buildings of various shapes and sizes crafted of sand and stone and earth create a set of interconnecting rooftops in some parts with wide gaps in the others.

It is easy to get lost in the crowds of people. As you leave the central market, countless alleys splinter out and lead to quieter sections of the city. The streets are kept tidly by maintenance droids. and the air is clean. At night, the city and marketplace are well lit, and the lights from the scattered inns create a welcoming ambiance to the twilight air.

Visulu Marketplace

Andrelious did not enjoy the Visulu Marketplace, or indeed anywhere in the New Tython system. Its allegiance to Clan Odan-Urr meant that the entire world teemed with the intoxicating presence of light side followers. The fact that the Warlord had spent the past three hours searching fruitlessly for the Sith holocron that Taldryan absolutely swore was in the possession of one of the traders just made the situation worse. Reaching the end of yet another row of useless stalls, the former crossed the street, and began glancing along. He spotted vendors of all kinds, mostly selling things he had absolutely no use for. That hadn’t stopped several of the stallholders from trying, of course, but the Warlord kept them at bay with a mind trick or two.

Continuing forwards, Andrelious was so busy examining the various stalls that he was not looking where he was going. Generally the crowds had moved in such a way that he hadn’t yet collided with anyone, but that changed as he walked straight into a Miraluka.

“Look where you’re going, you frakking stupid blindy!” the Warlord snapped. As he looked at the eyeless humanoid, he noticed the unusual outfit. His memory jogged – he recognised the Miraluka as Revs, a Knight who was in the service of Clan Arcona.

“You know I can’t do that, Inahj,” Revs declared coldly. “And, I still remember when you left me for dead in that turbolift,”

Andrelious remembered the situation well. Revs had been part of a boarding team under his command, but had been cut down by enemy fire on exiting a turbolift. The Warlord had pressed on, ignoring his fallen comrade, and the Miraluka’s life was perhaps saved only by the fact that an Arconan soldier risked his career by disobeying Andrelious. Revs hadn’t spoken to Mimosa-Inahj after that day, other than the occasional dig or insult referring to the incident.

“Sacrifices must be made in any battle. Any commander would tell you the same,” Andrelious responded, after a moment’s thought.

Revs looked a little hurt by the Warlord’s answer. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. My orders say that if I find you, or any of the others who you persuaded to jump ship with you, that I’m to bring you in for questioning. Stand down, please, Inahj. This doesn’t have to get ugly,” he snapped, realising there was very little chance of the Taldryanite doing anything of the sort.

“I’m getting tired of telling everyone this, but it’s MIMOSA-Inahj! And I can’t allow you to do that, Revs. Especially not now that you have threatened to take action against my family,” the Warlord hissed. He opened his hand, summoning his favoured silver hilted lightsaber. As it activated with the usual snap-hiss, the assembled crowds noticed the weapon and ran away in all directions.

“Brave, considering Odan-Urr are friends of Arcona. I give you fifteen minutes before the Jedi send a response team. Ten if you’re unlucky,” the Miraluka stated, his own lightsaber armed.

“I make my own luck. Let’s see if you can say the same,” Andrelious snarled, charging at his opponent. Revs moved straight into a defensive stance, his emerald blade blocking the Warlord’s initial attack. Mimosa-Inahj followed up with a series of slashes, some focusing on speed, others on power, as if he were testing his enemy for weaknesses. Focusing on examining Andrelious’ style, the Knight was able to ascertain that he was more nimble than his older opponent, but also physically weaker. That, combined with the fact that he was facing a high level Equite made for a difficult fight, but Revs wasn’t going to back down. The desire for revenge drove him to continue with his spirited defence. Even if Andrelious proved too strong, the Arconan was determined to give him a decent fight.

“You hate me. Remember how I left you laying there. Remember how close you were to death!” Andrelious taunted as he attacked again. Revs leapt over the low slash, before counter attacking, trying to use his extra inches of height to gain some kind of advantage. The Warlord stepped back, parrying with ease, but Revs had made his point.

This wasn’t going to go entirely as Andrelious would have liked.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 12 September, 2015 3:36 AM UTC

“You know I can’t do that, Inahj,” Revs declared coldly. “And, I still remember when you left me for dead in that turbolift,”

You didn't finish your sentence here.

Revs moved quickly to block another wide sweep from the Warlord's lightsaber. The young Knight could tell that his opponent was the superior fighter when it came to a lightsaber duel, but that was fine. Revs had plenty of tricks up his sleeves — all he needed was to lure the Sith off balance.

"Honestly, I'm not even sure why the Summit wants you brought in so bad. Soulfire has been far more efficient without you mucking it up. Not once have they had to send in a team of Journeymen who weren't even Knighted yet to rescue the team since you ran away," the Miraluka taunted as he batted away another wild sweep with his blade.

"I don't recall needing any rescue from you. We were managing to escape just fine on our own," Andrelious responded, seeming unaffected by the Knight’s prodding.

"Yeah, well, your ego must be messing with your memory," Revs shot back as he parried the silver lightsaber. "Because I recall you being surrounded and holed up as they just wore you out."

The Duelist thrust his blade at his opponent's leg only to have it batted away, putting him back on the defensive. "Then that crazy wife of yours went charging in blinder than I am. If we hadn’t hadn't been there to drive in behind her, she would have never even made it past the hanger. They would have been taking turns playing with her while you were gunned down. For frak’s sake, she left your infant daughters with a psychotic tree. Who knows what experiments he did on them?" The Miraluka could feel the rage coming from the former Soulfire Leader as Revs’ words hit.

Knowing that now was his chance, he stepped back just outside of his opponents range. Just as he expected, Andrelious over-extended himself while swiping his blade down at Revs’ head. Shifting to the left, the Knight pinned the Warlord’s blade down with his own, and brought his left leg up to deliver a kick square into the Sith's ribs that was enhanced by the Force . The force of the blow sent Andrelious flying several feet through the air before hitting the ground with a thud.

Reaching across to his right hip, Revs drew his Deathhammer blaster pistol and pointed it at the Dark Jedi. "Give it up, Injah. If you come peacefully, I'm sure the Shadow Lady will call off the hunt for your family."

The Warlord spun quickly onto his back, throwing a telekinetic blast toward the Shadow, catching him directly in the chest. Revs could feel the wind knocked from him as he flew through the air and slammed into a vendor's stall.

Maybe making the Human angry wasn't as good of an idea as he had thought.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 12 September, 2015 4:01 AM UTC

The Duelist thrust his blade at his opponent's leg only to have it batted away, putting him back on the defensive.

Just be careful about how you refer to characters. I think you're referring to your aspect for your character, but "Duelist" doesn't really refer to any official character designation.

Then that crazy wife of yours went charging in blinder than I am.

I don't know what this sentence is supposed to mean.

Revs staggered to his feet. He had been thrown into some kind of spice stall, the smell of which now filled his nostrils with a pungent odour.

“This isn’t Atty’s style, Revs. You forget that she was not only Kooki’s master, but that she is the twins’ godmother. As much as she may want to hurt me for my supposed crimes, I’d like to think that she’d leave them alone. No. This hunt smacks of Edraven. Your master.” Andrelious spat, walking over to the Miraluka, lightsaber ready.

“You’re half right. The Shadow Lady knows we’re looking for you. But Marick’s keeping her in the dark about the methods he’s authorised,” Revs replied.

The Warlord sighed. “I’m going to give you a chance, Knight. You are not going to be taking me anywhere. You lack the ability. I want you to go back. Tell Edraven, tell Marick to do their own dirty work. They have put you at risk here,”

“I cannot do that. Bringing you in will be worth my while,” the Miraluka answered.

“Then I am afraid I must send that message myself!” Andrelious roared, removing his left hand from his lightsaber. Pointing his fingers directly at Revs, the Warlord summoned energy from the darkest reaches of the Force, converting it into tendrils of lightning. The lightning sparked towards Revs, knocking him to the ground and leaving him convulsing in agony. Andrelious hit again, and again, trying to drain what remained of the Arconan’s life force. The Sith could feeling himself growing incredibly tired, but continued, uncaring of what such a large amount of lightning was doing to him. Eventually, though, his fatigue got the better of him and he stopped, giving Revs a respite from the constant current. To Andrelious’ annoyance, the Knight was still very much alive.

“You’re tough. I’ll give you that. Perhaps Edraven was right about you,” Andrelious hissed as his opponent climbed to his feet.

Revs, hurt though he was, glared at Andrelious. The promise of further power within the Force wasn’t a massive draw to him as it was to his opponent, but being able to see Mimosa-Inahj suffer at the hand of his Master and their allies was. He re-armed his lightsaber, charging in at Andrelious with an almost animalistic snarl. The Warlord blocked the attack with ease, smirking to himself that he was drawing out Revs’ anger. Every Arconan he could convert to the emotion driven ways of the Sith was another headache for their leaders. Another man they couldn’t entirely trust, even in spite of Atyiru’s incredibly kind nature. Instability within Arcona’s ranks would make things easier when the time came for Taldryan to attack.

With a clever feint to the left, Andrelious waited for Revs to move to parry, then switched quickly to the Miraluka’s right flank, his crimson blade slicing through and removing the Knight’s right hand at the wrist.

“I can keep removing things, Arconan.” Andrelious warned.

Revs let out an ear piercing scream as he dropped to his knees, clutching his right arm. The pain that the lightsaber had caused was worse than anything he had ever experienced before in his life, causing him to grit his teeth to try and stop himself from crying. Small muscle spasms kept jerking his muscles as a result from being shocked.

"What's wrong Blindy? You don't seem so cocky any more," Andrelious mocked. The Human swept his right leg in a wide kick that hit the Miraluka right in the ribs. Revs felt the air being pushed from his lungs from the force of the blow.

The Knight fell over onto his side, unable to hold himself up any longer.

"Don't die yet. We are just starting to have fun!” The Warlord screamed as he released another bout of electricity into Revs, causing the Arconan’s body to convulse.

The Shadow could not keep himself from crying out in pain. It took every inch of his being to summon the willpower to keep himself from unconsciousness. Revs knew that he was going to die here, but he would prolong giving the Sith the satisfaction for as long as he could.

"Come on. No sarcastic remarks anymore?" Andrelious snapped as he kicked the downed Shadow in the stomach. Revs tried to focus his attention on anything except what was happening to him. Around him, a small crowd stood watching the spectacle, though it seemed that most of the bystanders had ran away when the fight had started.

Down the street he noticed five figures running toward him, their cloaks billowing behind them from the wind. All he had to do was keep the Warlord from killing him a few more seconds. He could see Andrelious reaching down to pick up the Knight’s lightsaber.

"Please spare me," the beaten Miraluka managed to cough out the words as he gasped for air. "If you do I will tell you where you can find Marick and Edraven."

"Oh really?" the Sith asked sounding intrigued.

"Yea. Just spare me, please," Revs pleaded.

"I will consider it. Now tell me where is this place," the Human asked.

"Everyday at five they meet each other at your daughter’s house, take a guess why they are there," the Miraluka tried to laugh but the pain made it sound as if he were choking.

"You stupid fool!" Andrelious screamed as he raised Revs’ lightsaber over his head, preparing to perform a killing blow. The Knight’s vision faded as he lost consciousness, the last thing he saw before the darkness took him was the flash of two lightsaber blades clashing together.


Medical Ward Three days later.

Revs awoke feeling groggy and lightheaded. The light in the room was bright, and he could see the face of a young blonde woman hovering over him.

"So there is an afterlife," the Miraluka grumbled. "At least the Angels are pretty."

The young woman blushed at the complement. "Um...it’s good to see you are awake, sir. I was starting to worry. You are in the medical ward at the New Tython Jedi enclave."

"That's nice," Revs responded absently as he observed the robotic hand that was now attached to his right arm.

"We were able to get to you in time that we were able to attach a prosthetic, but you also have some broken ribs. There was also some internal bleeding that we had to do surgery on," the nurse informed as she took Revs vitals. "You are very lucky to be alive."

"Yea, I guess I'll be more careful when picking my fights,” the Shadow smiled. "What about my lightsaber?"

"We didn't find any lightsabers at the scene. We did recover a blaster though. If it belongs to you it will be in the storage locker. You may leave after I do just a few more tests," the human said as she turned to the table behind her.

The Jedi must have overwhelmed Andrelious and he fled. Frak he must have my lightsaber, I've got to get it back, Revs thought as he watched the nurse. I wonder if this new hand works as well as my own.

The mischievous Miraluka reached out with his new prosthetic and pinched the nurse’s backside, causing her to spin around quickly, her face flushed crimson.

"Hey you must have screwed this thing on wrong. I swear it did it on its own," the Knight smiled while pointing to his new hand.