Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea vs. Hunter Quo-Wing-Tzun

Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Hunter Quo-Wing-Tzun

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Zabrak, Sith, Arcanist
Comment

I would have liked to see more out of both of you on this match.

Quo, it would be prudent for you to have someone proof-read your posts before submitting them. There are a lot of accomplished writers in Naga Sadow who can help you with this. In addition, the next time you update your character sheet, I would recommend having someone assist you in the grammatical construction of your aspects. You have really good ideas and character development in them, but they are a little difficult to read.

I would have liked to see you expand a bit more in your first post. You had the right idea in your second post, however you appeared to end the match without giving your opponent an opportunity to finish their post, and subsequently, the match itself.

Tasha, you didn't get much of an opportunity in your last post, but your first post described a very short piece of action before passing it back off to Quo again. You had an opportunity to expand on the conflict and make it a lot more interesting and you didn't take advantage of that. I am hoping to see you go into further detail in the future.

Congratulations, Tasha, on your victory.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea, Hunter Quo-Wing-Tzun
Winner Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Tasha'Vel Versea's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Quo-Wing-Tzun's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 29 January, 2016 5:09 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Alaris Jinn
Syntax - 15%
Quo-Wing-Tzun Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You had a few sentence structure errors and punctuation errors that cost you here. Rationale: I only found one formatting or grammar error.
Story - 40%
Quo-Wing-Tzun Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post was very quick and didn't go into nearly as much detail as I'd like to see in an opening post. Your second post went into more detail and I liked that, but I'm docking you points here because you ended the match before you should have. This was a singular ending match which meant that your opponent still had one more post. You appeared to have your character be unable to continue the fight before your opponent had a chance to even start their final post. Rationale: You didn't have much of a choice of what to do in your last post, but you could have done a lot more in your first post. I would have liked to see you go into more detail and describe more of the conflict in your first post.
Realism - 25%
Quo-Wing-Tzun Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You described your opponent being able to tell where you were in your cloak just based on perception, but perception was 0 against your Force Cloak of +3. A minor error, but it does ding you a bit here. Rationale: No issues.
Continuity - 20%
Quo-Wing-Tzun Tasha'Vel Versea
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Quo-Wing-Tzun's Score: 3.25 Tasha'Vel Versea's Score: 4.05
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

Quo entered the duelling hall, taking in the sheer size of the place. It was massive. Clad in his usual black garb he made his way across the matted floor towards his Master.

"I obey your summons, my Master" said Quo, bowing as he did so. At no time did he take his eyes from her, watching for signs of attack.

"Good. Very punctual, and so formal." Tasha'Vel Versea was almost as tall as Quo, although she looked slight stood opposite his bulk. The Twi'lek was wearing her usual figure hugging black and blue number, her distinctive blue and silver, almost organic looking, lightsaber on her belt. Gazing across at the young Zabrak, she stood in a provocative pose, hands on hips. Quo was already stood in the alert position, feet shoulder width apart. With his left foot a couple of inches in front of his right, he balanced his weight on the balls of his feet.

Tasha'Vel's lekku were already twitching in anticipation of the start of the fight, dancing lightly across her sapphire skin. Quo remained impassive, he knew this trick, and was just thankful that he wasn't a cat, that would have caused quite a distraction.

Quo leapt forwards, taking off and landing on the balls of his feet. His fist whipping out from his own centreline, the punch more from the elbow than from the shoulder. Seeking out Tasha'Vel's centreline, she could hear the air snap past her ear as she moved to the right. Her senses alive, she knew this boy could be trained well.

"Good my young apprentice, very good. Now we've warmed up, let us see what you can really do." Her lightsaber leapt from her belt, to her hand, igniting with a snap, hiss, hum.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:26 PM UTC

"His fist whipping out from his own centreline, the punch more from the elbow than from the shoulder."

  • This is in the present tense. The ACC should be written in the past tense.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:27 PM UTC

"...dancing lightly across her sapphire skin."

  • Cool imagery here.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:30 PM UTC

You described what your opponent was wearing, but you could have spent more time describing the scene itself. Talk about the room and what it would do to all your senses. You'll immerse the reading all that much more into your story, making it more interesting.

The crimson glow from her blade cast a haunting look upon the Marauder's face as she smiled to her opponent. Jumping back a few steps, Tasha placed her right foot back and brought her blade up in front of her. “You are a feisty one and remind me of my younger training days. A word of caution, always be on your guard, apprentice.”

Just as Quo pulled out his armory saber and brought it up, Tasha had already charged forward and met his blade. The resulting noise was an angry hiss as Tasha tested her apprentice’s strength. The Zabrak could feel himself starting to falter a bit against her pressing attack. Thinking quickly, the Journeyman took a step back, letting Tasha’s blade swing by and miss him. Taking the opportunity, he placed out his right hand and sent out a blue surge of electricity towards Tasha’s side. The Equite yelled in pain as the electricity began to envelop her body. As she concentrated her thoughts, Tasha leaped into the air and slammed her right hand into the ground. A ripple of telekinetic energy made its way towards the unsuspecting Zabrak. Unable to move fast enough, the wave of energy knocked Quo off his feet and onto the ground.

“You are full of surprises my apprentice. I am liking the smart thinking and determination you have for trying to overcome a strong opponent, however you have much to learn.” Staggering a bit, Quo regained his composure and stood up. “I am not going to just give up that easily, Master.” Taking up his armory lightsaber, the apprentice charged for the Twi’lek.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:37 PM UTC

"...was an angry hiss..."

  • I like this descriptor.

Covering the space between them in the blink of an eye Quo feinted with his sabre towards Tasha'Vel's lekku. Her sabre flashing upwards to intercept his blade, she angled her head away, turning away and rolling to avoid the strike, regaining her feet, ready to accept his next attack. Looking round to acquire the Zabrak... where was he? He had suddenly slowed as he feinted, shut down his lightsabre, and disappeared.

Quo knew that this deception would not last long, the soft padding gave away his feet position, and when he reignited his blade, or made a sudden movement he would be visible again. Tasha'Vel would soon realise what he had done, and sense where he was through the Force. The vibroblade at her belt leapt free, and spun across the room, instinctively her eyes followed it as it arched away from her. Quo’s blade re-ignited as two throwing knives flew towards Tasha’Vel’s position. Her senses alerted, she leapt in a low trajectory, spinning as she flew, arms tucked into her body, hitting the wall, feet first, and rebounding. Force lightning flared from Quo’s fingers again, but too late, Tasha’Vel had already bounced from the wall, and was heading back across the room. He realised he was now visible, and moved to his left, as Tasha’Vel found her footing again.

Gesturing with her left hand towards the fallen vibroblade, her arm arched towards Quo. The blade, seemingly of it’s own accord, flew across the room towards, just as he gained a secure footing.

Tasha’Vel’s adrenaline was pounding around her body, her emerald eyes glinting, almost a fury within them. The blade she had sent towards Quo had almost found it’s mark, striking him in his prosthetic arm, the clang of the metal matrix being hit echoing across the hall. It did, for a split second, make her apprentice glance to check for damage, just the distraction she had been waiting for.

She sprang, fuelled by the excess adrenaline, and with a refined focus. Her lekku dancing like enraged vipers, her lips pulled back into a sinister smile, she closed the gap with terrifying speed. Her sabre lunge towards Quo’s shoulder was blocked by his own blade. With such speed and precision Tasha’Vel’s blade was a fury of colour, as she struck again and again. Quo was beaten backwards across the room, his whole attention on defending against his Master, her frenzy seemingly endless. Quo was losing, and losing badly. Without a rhythm to the strikes, Quo waited for a pause, however fleeting.

Tasha’Vel reached out for her vibroblade again, gesturing with her left hand, as her right carried out it’s lightning tattoo against Quo’s defence. A subtle gesture brought the blade, point first, towards her,... towards Quo’s back. It flew like an arrow, sinking into the back of his tunic.

A sudden image flashed across her mind, unspeakable fright for a split second. Fear, pain, terror, they all struck her as one, with a vision so dark it made her step back. Quo struck back, knowing that this could be his only chance. His sabre danced in short, staccato bursts. Tasha’Vel’s adrenaline rose again, with her sheer fear, and her already infused system, she struck back with vigour. Her attack was too strong for Quo to realistically defend indefinitely, but he put up a valiant effort, fighting harder than he had ever done before. Tasha’Vel gestured, blue static electricity vaulting from her fingers, striking Quo in the chest, making his body spasm, his sabre flying away from him across the matting floor. Tasha’Vel stepped towards him, a rictus of anger on her face, the lightning intensifying, her sabre completing one last strike, through the right side of Quo’s chest, appearing again out of his back.

Standing above the fallen Zabrak she gazed down at him, broken and gasping. The echoes of the battle dying in the hall. Her anger and her fear were subsiding. What had she done?

Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:46 PM UTC

"Her sabre flashing upwards to intercept his blade, she angled her head away, turning away and rolling to avoid the strike, regaining her feet, ready to accept his next attack."

  • This could have been formatted better and split into multiple sentences. It would have made it easier to read.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:48 PM UTC

"...not last long, the soft padding gave away his feet position, and when he reignited his blade, or made a sudden movement he would be visible again."

  • Your opponent's perception is 0, making it likely that she wouldn't be able to use the padding on your feet as an indicator of where you were.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:49 PM UTC

"...point first, towards her,... towards Quo’s back."

  • Punctuation error.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:50 PM UTC

You seemed to end the battle in this post. This is a singular ending post, meaning that your opponent still has one more post in which to completely the conflict. Instead, you're bottlenecking your opponent into very limited options.

As she looked down at Quo, her eyes began to tear up a little. "Quo, I am so sorry. I was never intending to hurt you to the point that you could die. All I could see in that image was my friends and family dying, which made me want to cut down the person responsible and in my rage I couldn't stop my attack. This never should have happened. I'm taking you to the medic immediately." Without hesitating, the Twi'lek stooped over the gasping Zabrak, placed one arm under his knees, and the other under his shoulders. Grunting a bit, she lifted him up with her as if he were a young child. Making her way out of the sparring room, Tasha sprinted towards the medical bay.

"What is wrong with me? I wasn't supposed to wound him so bad he can't breathe. I hope I can get him to the medic quickly before he gets worse." She didn't even want to think what it would mean if she failed to get him to the medic in time. Right now, she was determined to keep him alive. He was her apprentice. To her, Quo was part of her family now and she was supposed to help train him,not just cut him down like some animal. "He is a brother to me. I feel like i'm on that horrible planet again and fighting against my clanmates. That was something that never should have happened and neither should have this incident.”

After a couple minutes, she had arrived in the medical bay. “I need a doctor immediately! He was wounded badly during our regular sparring session and needs medical attention!” As she yelled for the doctor, Tasha gently placed Quo on the medical table, taking care not to move him much. By now the doctor had arrived and looked over the Zabrak. His face was a bit grim as he turned to Tasha. “I need you to step out of the room for now while I work on him. I am glad you got him to me as fast as you did. Any further delay would have been fatal. It will take a little while, but he should be back on his feet again in no time.” The Marauder gave the doctor a half smile with relief in her eyes. “Please take care of him, Doctor. He is my apprentice and means a lot to me.”

Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:51 PM UTC

"What is wrong with me? I wasn't supposed to wound him so bad he can't breathe. I hope I can get him to the medic quickly before he gets worse."

  • You italicized and put these into quotations. A thought is generally done in just italics.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:53 PM UTC

Well done coming to way to continue the match in a way, though I would have preferred to see more conflict. You could have used his subterfuge as a way for him to believe that he was much more injured than he was. He kind of bottlenecked you for this last post, so there wasn't much direction you could have taken it, so I'm not going to dock you for it.

Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:56 PM UTC

"It will take a little while, but he should be back on his feet again in no time."

  • This is a contradictory statement.
Adept Alaris Jinn, 1 February, 2016 12:58 PM UTC

"...help train him,not just cut him down..."

  • Formatting issue.