Knight Aiden Lee vs. Padawan Ringer Klang

Knight Aiden Lee

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Padawan Ringer Klang

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Wookiee, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This was a good match between two similarly skilled authors, which is always nice to see. You both demonstrated a strong potential with your opening posts, but there are always improvements to be made. I highly recommend reviewing the Wiki pages for both Force Powers and Skills to get a better feel for the "reality" of our system and how it can be portrayed.

All in all, this was a cookie cutter "student/master" encounter without anything really stand out thrown in. The opening post lacked any real motivation or reason for being, but the second post admirably tried to fill that in. Try to picture this match as a snapshot in the life of these characters, and that there is a story before and (hopefully) after the events here. Write it that way and let your readers feel that there is more to the story.

Clean up the writing with the help of a proof reader, and tighten up the realism... then you both will be tough competitors within the ACC.

With the score tallied, Knight Aiden Lee pulls out the win.

I look forward to the next time you both enter the ACC.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Aiden Lee, Padawan Ringer Klang
Winner Knight Aiden Lee
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Aiden Lee's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Padawan Ringer Klang 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shadow Academy - Sparring Room
Last Post 18 February, 2016 8:10 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Ringer Klang Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: See comments for examples of issues. Rationale: Various issues, see comments.
Story - 40%
Ringer Klang Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You told a complete story with a beginning and end, however it was lacking in both motivation and substance. You glossed over a lot of the actual combat and it felt very cookie cutter. Nothing really stood out as a reader, and the characters were very flat personality wise. Rationale: You did a good job writing a complete story, and built up motivation that had been lacking in the opening post. However, the quality standard you developed in your first post was lost in your final post. It wasn't nearly at the same level and seemed like less care was put into it. This was easily felt as a reader and that kept you from a 4 that you had been on the cusp of with your first post.
Realism - 25%
Ringer Klang Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Misuse of Blackness and a borderline issue with a saber style you don't have access to. Refer to the comments. Rationale: Please refer to the comments regarding the realism portrayed, involving the skill usage.
Continuity - 20%
Ringer Klang Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: One instance where you didn't carry over the fact Aiden's saber was already active. Rationale: No issues I caught.
Ringer Klang's Score: 3.35 Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 3.65
Posts

You enter one of the dozens of sparring chambers within the Shadow Academy of Lyspair, the simple square room utilized mostly by those learning the ways of the lightsaber. This five hundred square-foot room, rectangular in shape, is nearly barren. The floor is lined with simple padding, while the walls are made of dull, grey durasteel, gauged by innumerable lightsaber strikes, scarring the metal permanently.

The ceiling towers above you, nearly twenty feet in height, allowing for plenty of movement from the more acrobatic of Force users. There are no other adornments within the room, save for the entrance and lighting that bathes the entire room, yet seems to come from nowhere. All corners of the room are perfectly lit, with no visible shadows to speak of. There is nowhere for you to hide within the room, but… there's no room for your opponent to hide either.

Well, it's not like I'm good at hiding anyway, thought Ringer as he glanced around, noting the utter bareness of the chamber. He spared a glance at his opponent and fellow Battleteam member. Aiden's lighter build would serve him well in this sparring room, with plenty of room to maneuver. Ringer was again reminded to be grateful that he had not inherited the typical Wookiee bulk; his smaller stature would help him keep up with the lighter human.

Knowing that his rudimentary lightsaber training was no match for the Knight and his duelist saber, the Wookiee hesitated to draw the weapon, instead reaching back to grab the end of his quarterstaff.

"None of that, Ringer. That's not why we're here. And I would hate to ruin that nice staff when it gets chopped in half," quipped his opponent, drawing and igniting his elegant amethyst blade. Sighing, Ringer let go of the quarterstaff and pulled his own armory lightsaber into his hand with a small Force tug. Triggering the blade, he assumed the basic stance he had been taught, shoulders squared, with his weapon extended in front of him.

As the two combatants started circling, slowly drawing closer to each other, the mirth left Aiden's blue eyes. Ringer's own eyes narrowed, mirroring his opponent's look of concentration as he focused on the match at hand. Not willing to open himself up by making the first movie, he continued to circle, waiting for the strike that he knew would eventually come from Aiden's purple blade.

The first few clashes lacked any sort of flair. Aiden's thrusts were knocked away carefully, but still the Wookiee did not attempt any sort of counterattack. Slowly, Aiden's attacks began to chain together, first a thrust, then a quick pivot of the wrist to dart the lightsaber across, then another pivot to come from below. A light sweat broke out across Ringer's brow as he parried the first two blows and then had to somewhat clumsily spring backwards to avoid the third.

"C'mon Wookiee, you'll never get anywhere if all you do is defend," Aiden called. And still Ringer simply continued to circle and wait. Maybe if he waited long enough, he could frustrate the human into making a mistake.

On the next pass, Aiden did not leave any quarter. Smoothly transitioning from thrust to swipe, varying height and angle, his lightsaber sought an opening in Ringer’s guard. It didn’t take long to find it. As the magenta blade shaved off a small patch of fur on the Wookiee’s right shoulder and just slightly scorched the skin underneath, Ringer let out a growl and swung his lightsaber with a straightforward downward cut that would have cut his human opponent in half as it connected. As it was, Aiden simply stepped left and slightly re-angled his own weapon, neatly deflecting the lightsaber sideways to score yet another scorch mark in the ground.

Ringer was shaken by his untypical loss of control. Nevertheless, his focus quickly returned to the match and his opponent, who was again standing at the ready, lightsaber extending toward him. Steeling himself, the Wookiee took a step forward and took the initiative for the first time in the match.

Darth Renatus, 26 February, 2016 1:39 AM UTC

The first few clashes lacked any sort of flair. Aiden's thrusts were knocked away carefully, but still the Wookiee did not attempt any sort of counterattack. Slowly, Aiden's attacks began to chain together, first a thrust, then a quick pivot of the wrist to dart the lightsaber across, then another pivot to come from below.

I would have liked to see a bit more actual action here. You kind of just gloss over it without the same care you had been attributing to your actions up to this point. This hurts your story, as it glosses over the whole goal of your match, which is the combat.

Aiden called. And still Ringer simply continued to circle and wait.

This isn't technically wrong, but the flow is awkward. Starting with "And" here makes it feel like one sentence instead of two.

downward cut that would have cut his human

Try to avoid repetition, especially within the same sentence.


Overall this is a pretty solid post. The biggest gripe I have with how glossed over the combat comes across. There is a lot of action occurring, but it is referred to as a "few clashes" rather than actually painting the full picture.

The other issue is the lack of any real motivation. You imply a greater story with the dialogue, but it doesn't come across in the writing and it just feels like a basic cookie cutter fight, rather than the snapshot in the lives of these characters it could be.

Aiden looked on with no small amount of amusement, as the Wookie took the offensive. Allowing the Wookie this brief moment, he matched each strike with an easy deflection. The Knight took his time on the defensive to analyze his opponent’s movements. They were unrefined, but not sloppy. Clearly Ringer had been practicing his saber techniques, but the Form taught to all beginners was nowhere near impressive enough to match the duelist.

Purposely telegraphing his movements, Aiden flicked his wrist to the right He just caught the tip of Ringer’s sapphire blade with his amethyst one, easily parrying the Wookie’s latest strike. The Padawan countered the parry by twisting himself around and slashing his lightsaber down, relying on pure strength to defeat his opponent. Aiden swung his lightsaber up in time to meet the opposing beam, causing the two blades to hiss upon contact. The Wookie continued to push down, willing himself to break through Aiden’s defenses.

Unfortunately for Ringer, while Aiden’s body looked weak, his strength was well hidden, and the Knight easily overpowered the Padawan learner. Ringer was knocked backwards toward the dull grey durasteel wall behind him. The small Wookie regained his balance and resumed his offensive tactics, thrusting his Armory saber towards Aiden’s torso. Aiden flipped over Ringers' strike, landing next to the wall, and bent backwards to avoid Ringer’s follow up strike. The sound of scorching metal filled the training area as the blue lightsaber added one more scorch mark to the utterly devastated wall.

As the fight progressed, Aiden found easy openings in which he could have killed or maimed his opponent. And while the warrior in him wanted to exploit these mistakes for his own advantage, the Knight knew this was simply a training match meant to prepare the Padawan for the future. He had been tasked with this assignment by the leader of the Wardens, and Aiden knew that he must complete the mission. This could very well save the Wookie in the future. As such, Aiden decided the better response to the Padawan’s mistakes was to show him his errors.

As Ringer struck out at the Knight, Aiden waited for each opportunity to slip past the Wookies defenses. When his right side was left open, Aiden touched his lightsaber against Ringer’s thigh. As the Wookie attempted an overhead slash, Aiden burned his right shoulder with his amethyst blade. Ringer could feel his skin singe, as his hair burned away from the flesh. The Padawan began to slow down slightly, the pain becoming more and more noticeable. Overcoming his pain, as best as he could, Ringer focused on his stance, but his attacks remained ineffective. As the Wookie thrust his lightsaber forward, Aiden stepped to the right. He swept his foot out and caught Ringer in the knee, knocking the Padawan prone. The Taldryan Knight pointed his lightsaber at Ringer’s neck. *

“Ringer, I am impressed by your skill. But unfortunately, had this been a real battle, you would be dead now.” Aiden deactivated his saber for a moment as he spoke. “You have left yourself open to my lightsaber countless times in our battle, and while that is also due to your lack of a decent Form, you must be mindful. Do you understand?”

Ringer listened to what his superior had taught him and took in the information with no diminished pride, though he could sense hours of work that would come until his Form was perfected. The Wookie nodded to the Knight before starting his attack again. Aiden reactivated his amethyst blade and continued to knock the incoming saber away from him. Seeing another opening in Ringer’s defenses, Aiden let out a sigh, and took advantage of the situation. He ducked underneath an incoming slash of the blue blade and twisted his body as he lightly grazed the Wookie’s skin with his own weapon.

As Ringer let out a grunt of pain from his newest injury, Aiden channeled the Force into his left hand and looked up at the Padawan.

“As I’ve said, your skills have impressed me. Let’s see what else you can do.”

Aiden thrust his hand forward, slamming the Wookie with Force energy, causing the Padawan to topple onto the padded ground. Lying on his back, Ringer looked up towards where the Knight began to rise. Confusion plastered on his face, the Wookie growled and grunted in his native tongue. Aiden was unable to understand what the Wookie said, though he had an idea.

“Always expect your opponent to play dirty, and unfair. Now then, show me what you know of the Force. Impress me.”

Darth Renatus, 26 February, 2016 1:52 AM UTC

Allowing the Wookie this brief moment, he matched each strike with an easy deflection

Same issue I had with Ringer's post: this glosses over the action rather than depicting it. Also, it is "Wookiee".

The Knight took his time on the defensive to analyze his opponent’s movements.

Careful with this, as Aiden only has +0 Perception. You are writing about something he wouldn't be exceptionally adept at.

but the Form taught

Absolutely no reason to capitalize this.

Aiden flicked his wrist to the right He just caught the tip

Your punctuation is imitating a ninja between "right" and "He".

and the Knight easily overpowered the Padawan learner.

While you have +3 Might to his +2, you still need to take in the size and weight differences. It wouldn't be "easy" and as a Wookiee he gets his feat bonus as well in the right situation.

his Armory saber

No reason to capitalize "Armory", it's just a place not the proper noun name.

He had been tasked with this assignment by the leader of the Wardens, and Aiden knew that he must complete the mission.

Good job instilling a sense of meaning and motivation to the match!

Ringer’s neck. *

Hello there asterisk, come here often?

what his superior had taught him and took

Phrasing here is really awkward. He hasn't taught him anything yet, he is in the process of telling it.


A strong effort, and definitely added more meaning to the story. You began by glossing over the action but then got more detailed. However the attacks themselves still felt non-existent until a counter occurred, where you became specific again. The biggest issue here is the realism of your post. As I mentioned, Aiden has +0 Perception. The fact he easily saw so many openings, so often, isn't realistic. It could be argued that it is due to his Proficient levels with his form, Perception is still needed.

Although his pride had survived this long, now Ringer was starting to feel just a little humiliated and frustrated. Not only had he been knocked to the ground, both physically and with the Force, by a human half his weight, but the singed patches of fur and skin were a testament to how outmatched he was in lightsaber combat. He had to fight to keep himself from just giving up and walking out the door.

I'm not here to impress you, he angrily projected to his human opponent with a thought. Aiden, who was used to Ringer's unconventional method of communication from their time together in the Wardens, didn't bat an eye.

"Very well." The human again ignited his blade as Ringer pushed himself to his feet, neither combatant breaking eye contact. Ringer smiled as the workings of a plan began to form in his mind. Again the Wookiee charged, swinging his lightsaber downward in a diagonal chop, and Aiden sighed as he lifted his lightsaber yet again to deflect the blow. This time, however, the expected clash of lightsabers never occurred as Ringer deactivated his blade just before contact. The purple blade went wide and the Wookiee’s momentum sent his heavy bulk crashing into Aiden's chest with a crunch. Both tumbled to the floor, the amethyst lightsaber deactivating as it flew out of Aiden's hand.

Aiden had heard just the slightest whispering of the Force warning him to shift his weight to the side, so the force of the tackle knocked him sideways, rather than having the Wookiee fall right on top of him. Even so, he was somewhat winded and took a moment to catch his breath, calling his lightsaber back to his hand with the Force as his opponent surged back to his feet.

"Are you going to keep running away?" he asked nonchalantly as Ringer stepped away again, but his heavy breathing betrayed that the impact had winded him. It wouldn’t be surprising if he had cracked at least one rib, too.

The Wookiee did not take the bait, choosing instead to raise his hand and call forth a globe of utter darkness around Aiden's head. His opponent stayed calm, simply reigniting his lightsaber and waiting. Circling quietly around the Knight, the slightest pivoting of the human’s torso betrayed the fact that Ringer’s position was being revealed to his opponent by the Force.

Knowing that he couldn’t keep the darkness up for long, and needing a good amount of Force power for what he planned next, Ringer began to step lightly forward. As the globe of darkness was dismissed, Aiden’s only warning was the fact that Ringer’s eyes were screwed tightly shut. Even as the Force warned him to mirror the action, his eyes were still half open as a burst of light erupted from Ringer’s outstretched hand. The human’s pupils had dilated while engulfed in darkness, heightening the intensity of the glare and he cried out in pain and shock as he was temporarily blinded, his lightsaber arm reflexively rising to cover his wounded eyes.

To add insult to injury, Ringer’s lightsaber sliced off the tip of Aiden's ponytail, which had been flung forward over his shoulder, as the blue blade came to a stop just to the side of the human's neck. After a moment, the Wookiee stepped back and bowed, although he knew Aiden still couldn't see him.

As his vision cleared, Aiden bowed to the Padawan and stated without emotion, "Well done. Now go practice your lightsaber combat. Until you master the lightsaber, you won't last a minute against those truly trying to kill you and won't have time to play any tricks." Clearing the tears out of his eyes one more time, he turned and exited the chamber, Ringer following a few steps behind.

Darth Renatus, 26 February, 2016 2:08 AM UTC

The human again ignited his blade as Ringer pushed himself to his feet

It was already ignited in the previous post, he used his off hand to use the Force. This is continuity.

This time, however, the expected clash of lightsabers never occurred as Ringer deactivated his blade just before contact. The purple blade went wide and the Wookiee’s momentum sent his heavy bulk crashing into Aiden's chest with a crunch.

I had to discuss this one with a fellow judge. It is a borderline problem because the Feat in our system, Trakata, is the technique of quickly deactivating and activating sabers safely mid combat for your advantage... which is what you did here. In the end, this turned into a minor realism hit rather than a full on detractor due to the borderline nature.

The Wookiee did not take the bait, choosing instead to raise his hand and call forth a globe of utter darkness around Aiden's head.

Major realism problem here. I recommend you hit up the Wiki and the Force Powers section to understand the tiers. At +1, you can only produce a 2 meter sphere around yourself, not at a target location. The effect also only lasts several seconds at that rank.

Ringer stood up, picking himself up off of the ground, righting himself after Aiden’s surprising use of the Force. Letting out a growl, the Wookie reactivated his lightsaber. Focusing on his connection to the Force, Ringer felt his leg muscles strengthen. Aiden patiently waited with his Amethyst blade. Dashing forward with enhanced speed, the Padawan slashed his lightsaber across his opponent’s chest.

Aiden parried the blade away with the flick of his wrist. He followed through by bringing his lightsaber up to Ringers neck.

“Is that all you have to show me? If so, your abilities were largely over exaggerated.”

Growling in frustration Ringer knocked the purple saber away from him and pushed his left arm out pushing the Force away from him towards Aiden. The knight mimicked the movement using his own strength in the Force to overpower the Padawan. Using only enough power to negate the Wookie’s attack, and knock him back into a nearby wall.

“That was a good try. Anything else? Maybe you need some motivation.”

Aiden reached out and took ahold of Ringer with the Force. The Knight put all of his concentration into holding the Wookie as still as possible. Ringer, for all his strength couldn’t break free from his superior’s power. The Padawan calmed himself, and started to breathe. Through sheer will he gained some control over his body. He locked eyes with Aiden and began to concentrate on the Knights connection to the Force.

Aiden felt his power weakening. Ringer was able to move his limbs again. The Wookie forced his body to move and rushed forwards with his lightsaber. Aiden smiled in surprise of the Padawan’s unexpected power, and using his superior combat ability, easily blocked the blue lightsaber. The Knight flipped Ringer onto the ground and forced the Armory Saber out of his hand. Aiden brought his own purple blade to a parallel rest at the Wookie’s jugular.

“This fight is over Ringer. Congratulations, you passed my test.”

Standing up, Aiden reached out his unarmed hand to help Ringer to his feet, and disengaged his lightsaber. Ringer took hold of the offered hand before retrieving his own weapon.

“I’ll report this to the Summit. Nice work Fur ball.”

With the turn of his heel, Aiden left the durasteel walled room. His mission was complete. He only hoped the Padawan would learn from this match.

Darth Renatus, 26 February, 2016 2:13 AM UTC

Aiden parried the blade away with the flick of his wrist. He followed through by bringing his lightsaber up to Ringers neck.

A little unrealistic considering that without Amplification, you have the same Athletics.

and pushed his left arm out pushing the Force away

Repetition of "push".

and using his superior combat ability, easily blocked the blue lightsaber.

Show me this, don't tell me. Very lazy writing and doesn't give the reader anything.