Knight Aiden Lee vs. Acolyte Talis

Knight Aiden Lee

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Acolyte Talis

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

This was a pretty clear match. Aiden's writing was decent, if uninspiring, but lacked glaring errors. Talis however had several significant issues in most categories. Talis, please pay more attention to what is feasible at a given level for each Force power (see the wiki guideline), and if you're going to write your character as being one who will look to escape when it looks like things aren't going to go his way, change your CS to not include aspects such as "Tonight We Dine In Hell" and "Once More unto the Breach."

Please reach out if you have any questions about how lightsaber Forms and Force powers should work.

-Vivackus Kavon di Plagia

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Aiden Lee, Acolyte Talis
Winner Knight Aiden Lee
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Aiden Lee's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Talis's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dark Temple Ruins - Central Chamber
Last Post 25 February, 2016 5:18 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Vivackus Kavon di Plagia
Syntax - 15%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You consistently misspell "Force" and made several other noticeable mistakes throughout. Rationale: You have a few capitalization issues sprinkled throughout.
Story - 40%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Your first post really hurt you on this metric. Spending an entire post where you don't have meaningful interaction with your opponent is not the way you want to begin an average ACC match. Rationale: Your story was decent, though nothing particularly noteworthy.
Realism - 25%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: See the individual comments for specifics. You generally overstate Talis' Force ability and lightsaber skills, as well as write the character in a manner that's inconsistent with how the CS denotes he should act. Rationale: I noticed you put a decent amount of effort into writing Talis' character as his CS guided.
Continuity - 20%
Neza-Rem Zarabi Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Neza-Rem Zarabi's Score: 2.75 Blade Master Aiden Lee Deshra's Score: 3.8
Posts

As you walk through the swampy jungle to the South, you enter the ancient ruins of the Dark Temple. Abandoned and forgotten, the temple has slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. Before you lies the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas' sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from your presence, but your heightened senses can feel the brush of vicious predators, hiding just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pureblooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but you can still feel the majesty in the stone.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. Ignoring those, your head tilts to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground.

You can feel the danger of the temple. Sense the spirits of the Sith that still haunt the grounds, waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain. Now, they have two souls to consume… that is, if you and your opponent don't destroy each other first.

Talis made his way across the chamber floor over to the fallen pillars and climbed his way up to the mezzanine with little difficulty. He had felt a pull towards this planet while he was meditating and now that he was here he could feel all the swirling emotions of the force that permeated this planet. Talis turned back to the main hall and sat near the edge of the mezzanine near one of the statues and began meditating and reaching out with the force to create a more detailed map of his surroundings.

A few moments into his mental mapping of the temple Talis became aware of a man standing at the entrance of the Temple. Talis focused on the man before him as he quelled his feelings of surprise. He reached out with the force towards the man and felt the force push pack at him. Talis smiled as he rose and made his way back down the mezzanine towards the newcomer.

He came to a jogging stop a few meters shy of the man which allowed for him to garner more detail about the man before him. He stood around the same height, maybe a little taller than Talis. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail and his features were very fair and his face was narrow. He couldn’t be much younger than Talis but he carried himself with an air of skill and composure. He reminded Talis of a predatory bird, watching and calculating.

Talis finally broke the silence, “So what brings you to this wonderful vacation spot?”

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:38 PM UTC

began meditating and reaching out with the force

Capitalize "Force."

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:40 PM UTC

He reached out with the force towards the man and felt the force push pack at him.

Small typo.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:44 PM UTC

Talis turned back to the main hall and sat near the edge of the mezzanine near one of the statues and began meditating and reaching out with the force to create a more detailed map of his surroundings.

Sense at +1, isn't really enough to accomplish this. The full layout of an area that's beyond your line of sight would probably need at least +3 in the ability, and being a Miraluka doesn't change this fact.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:46 PM UTC

In general, nothing really happens in this post. You don't really establish a reason for either character to be there, and for all intensive purposes, the reader could skip your entire post, and start with Aiden's post below without missing anything.

You only have 2 posts in a match. You can't afford to advance the plot at all in one of them.

Aiden stood in the entrance of the temple. The jungle had claimed the once great monument for its own. In front of the Taldryan stood the blindfolded Miraluka whom he had been sent to dispose of. With the new order from Grand Master Pravus, the Jedi would be decimated. Unfortunately for the Acolyte in front of him, he belonged to Odan Urr, and his time was up. Aiden let out a sigh of uncertainty before steeling his eyes, and activating his Amethyst blade. With the touch of a button on the lightsabers curved hilt, a hissing sound emanated throughout the silent temple and a violet glow, vibrant and deadly, washed over Aiden’s face.

“Why am I here you ask? To uphold the wishes of Grand Master Pravus. New Tython has fallen, and with it your clan. I am here to tie up loose ends.”

A smile crept over the blindfolded face of Talis. He heard news of New Tython, though it didn’t dissuade him. Odan Urr would rise, and Taldryan would not stand in his way. He knew that this human was stronger than him, but the Acolyte felt no fear.

“So, you just follow the commands of a crazed Sith huh? And people say I’m blind.”

Activating his own purple armory lightsaber, the Miralukan rushed headfirst into battle. Swinging wildly, and without proper finesse due his lack of training, Talis’ strikes were easily parried by the Makashi adherent. Aiden twisted his grip, and pivoted his waist, locking his lightsaber with that of his opponent. Pushing with all his strength, the Knight forced his enemy backwards. The Acolyte backpedaled, remaining upright, and balanced himself out.

As Talis steadied himself, Aiden advanced. Aware that he couldn't risk another physical confrontation with the Human, the Miralukan gathered his concentration and channeled the Force to his off hand. Thrusting it out before him, the stream of ethereal lightning reached for Aiden, only to find him missing. The force had whispered to the Knight of the impending danger, sending him rolling to the left as soon as the power had leaped out to lick at where he'd been.

Talis did not relent. The Jedi refocused on Aiden and sent yet another blast of violent energy from his fingertips. Aiden himself drew upon the power of the Force to survive, a shield of energy deflecting the twisted touch of power into the nearby plants, causing them to blacken and burn. Even still, Talis did not relent. This time, Aiden was not fast enough and the very essence of the Force slammed into his chest. Aiden felt searing pain throughout his body,

Aiden focused through his pain to center himself in the Force. His body numb, and his concentration wavering, the Knight fought back against the electricity coursing through his body. Talis lost his control of the lightning and gasping, he began to catch his breath. He felt a slightly fatigued after his electric assault through the Force.

Aiden righted himself, his body smoking from the damage he sustained. Concentrating he felt the pain begin to subside. The Taldryan looked across to the Acolyte and saw no sign of his opponent wavering.

“I sense no fear in you Talis. You know how this fight will end. You caught me off guard, that won't be a mistake i repeat.

“They say fear is in the eye of the beholder. I have no eyes.”

Talis knew that in a lightsaber duel, he would lose. He already felt the drain from using the Force in his last attack. It was no matter to him though. There would be no retreat today.

Aiden felt a pang of regret for what he was about to do. This Acolyte was clearly strong in the Force, and to waste that potential seemed wrong. But to protect his clan, the Knight would do what is necessary.

“I cannot allow this to go on much longer. I will end it here Talis.”

“You will try.”

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:47 PM UTC

Aiden stood in the entrance of the temple. The jungle had claimed the once great monument for its own. In front of the Taldryan stood the blindfolded Miraluka whom he had been sent to dispose of.

Good job taking advantage of the opening Talis left you. Just because he didn't establish a reason for the fight doesn't mean that you shouldn't either. You did the right thing by creating a context for the battle.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:52 PM UTC

Aiden focused through his pain to center himself in the Force. His body numb, and his concentration wavering, the Knight fought back against the electricity coursing through his body. Talis lost his control of the lightning and gasping, he began to catch his breath.

Be careful with this. Remember that Force Lightning in it's current iteration on our character sheets is always a single jolt. The character needs a feat to stream it.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:52 PM UTC

“I sense no fear in you Talis. You know how this fight will end. You caught me off guard, that won't be a mistake i repeat.

You forgot to close your quote, and missed a capitalization.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:53 PM UTC

Talis knew that in a lightsaber duel, he would lose. He already felt the drain from using the Force in his last attack. It was no matter to him though. There would be no retreat today.

This was a good representation of Talis' Combat Aspects.

"You will try."

Talis erupted towards the Knight as he stood his gound to meet the miralukan's assault. Talis began chaining his attacks one after another and using his footing and stance taught to him by his Jar'Kai instructors to push the Taldyranian back. Talis knew that what he lacked in brute strength he made up for in technique and footwork.

The speed of the duos footwork and constant strikes began creating a small dust cloud around them as they continued their exchange. Tearing up the overgrowth in a small circle near the center of the room.

Something was different about Talis as he came at Aiden. He was becoming quicker and stronger and his swings were less wild and more focused. His footwork had improved. With every strike he was becoming faster and stronger. Suddenly Talis engaged his amethyst blade with Aidens and put his hand right in front of Aiden’s face and with a wave it was as if Talis stole the very sight from his eyes. In a split instant Aiden reacted calling on the force once again to aid him. As he rolled to his right and came up the blinding light assaulted his eyes. He kept trying to blink away the dead spots in his vision and reached out to the force to clear his vision. Aiden then reached out with the force to try and guess where his foe was coming.

Talis used his opportunity to turn and run in the opposite direction of the knight who was rolling away from him. He knew that if he dragged this fight out it would end badly for one of them and he didn't feel comfortable killing another Jedi or dying. Even if the man was a member of Taldyran. He put the black sphere and small dust cloud between them and ducked out of one of the holes allowing light to drain through. As he crested his short climb he reached out to the force as he began suppressing his force signature. It would give the Knight less of a chance at finding him among all the local wildlife and give him a better chance of escaping. Which is what he was doing.

He headed north at as quick of a pace as he could to put some ground between him and His pursuer. He didn’t give much thought to the man’s words. He just knew he needed to get back to the Endors Triumph and report on what had happened.

He came upon his small shuttle and quickly prepped for departure. He kept searching his surroundings to ensure that he had given the man the slip and when the engines came up to speed he launched and left that dark planet behind with his pursuer somewhere on Dromund Kaas.

Aiden quickly caught on to what the jedi was doing and as he reached out with the force and began searching for his quarry. He found a few larger force signatures pretty quickly but his research had led him to believe that Talis had gained some ability in concealing himself from others while with Strike Team Ooroo. He began to feel the strain of trying to track through the force when suddenly Talis appeared. Faint in power and far away. He was probably exhausted and on the edge of his sensory ability. Aiden smiled as the realization that he had tired himself out searching for his quarry. He would have to try again another day.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 9:36 PM UTC

Something was different about Talis as he came at Aiden. He was becoming quicker and stronger and his swings were less wild and more focused.

You have to be very careful to properly explain what's happening. Right here, I don't know if Talis is using Rage, Amplification, or what. Neither of these make your technique more clean, and Rage would even do the opposite.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 9:39 PM UTC

Suddenly Talis engaged his amethyst blade with Aidens and put his hand right in front of Aiden’s face and with a wave it was as if Talis stole the very sight from his eyes.

Likewise, I don't know what this is supposed to be. Blackness? The power doesn't work that way, and even if it did, +1 isn't enough skill to let you use that fluidly in the middle of a fight.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 7:58 PM UTC

Talis erupted towards the Knight as he stood his gound to meet the miralukan's assault.

Capitalize "Miraluka."

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 8:03 PM UTC

Talis began chaining his attacks one after another and using his footing and stance taught to him by his Jar'Kai instructors to push the Taldyranian back. Talis knew that what he lacked in brute strength he made up for in technique and footwork.

This is a pretty major error. By definition, Form Zero does not allow for advanced lightsaber techniques, and you can't overcome that by knowledge of a martial art.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 9:43 PM UTC

Talis used his opportunity to turn and run in the opposite direction of the knight who was rolling away from him. He knew that if he dragged this fight out it would end badly for one of them and he didn't feel comfortable killing another Jedi or dying.

Ending this way directly contradicts the "Tonight We Dine in Hell" and "Once More Unto The Breach" aspects. If you have two aspects that describe your character as always going into the fight, you really shouldn't be writing your character bravely running away.

Talis concentrated on the Force, fully allowing the energy to spread throughout his body. His anger channeled through him augmenting his abilities. He could feel his muscles growing stronger, more resilient.

Aiden felt the shift in the Force around his opponent. Not knowing what was coming, he readied himself for the Acolyte’s attack. The Knight began to focus the Force into his left hand. The energy rippled and pulsed in his arm, just waiting to be released.

Talis could clearly see Aiden through the force, his body outlined, and he smirked. The Acolyte charged forward with increased speed, and used his improved strength the thrust his lightsaber towards the Knights chest.

Ready for his opponent, Aiden thrust his arm to the ground, impacting his pent up energy into a shockwave. The ground rippled away from Aiden, the central point of the collision. Talis, nearly tripping over the shockwave of energy, leapt into the air, jumping higher than was possible before.

As he flipped in the air, he landed on a broken statue. Leaping from statue to statue, Talis came to a halt as he landed on the mezzanine above them, and stared down at the Taldryan.

Knowing his time was limited, Talis dove from the edge of the balcony-like walkway,, slashing his blade at Aiden’s head as he fell. Aiden parried the lightsaber again, his skill as a duelist proving to be far superior to the Odan Urr Grey Jedi. Talis was disheartened to realize that even with his physical prowess being augmented by the Force, Aiden remained the stronger combatant.

Aiden began to feel the effects of the lightning again, as his mind was not focused on controlling the pain anymore. He would have to push through it though. As Talis began lashing out with his saber, Aiden stayed on the defensive, parrying each blow with ease. As time passed, Aiden could tell that Talis was slowing, as was he. His pain was slowly getting the better of him. Talis could feel his body becoming overcome with fatigue. The use of his lightning and augmenting his body was taking it’s toll.

“I won’t give up Taldryan. Not until you are dead.”

Dodging one of Talis’s strikes, Aiden rolled away, and stood back up facing away from his enemy. His mind starting to fill with sorrow.

“That is unfortunate. As i have said, I must end this.”

Talis, even in his weakened state could feel the emotions of his opponent. He felt his sorrow. He felt Aiden’s regret.

“You can’t do it. You’re too weak to take my life it seems. Why don’t you just walk away?”

Aiden steeled his heart at the Acolyte’s words. Knowing what he must do The Taldryan focused on the Force. He looked into where Talis eye’s would be and waved his hand.

“You will put down your arms and remain still.”

Having no defense against Aiden’s assault on his mind Talis grew still and disengaged his lightsaber. The hilt fell from his hands, the sound of the metal hitting stone echoed through the temple. The Odan Urr Grey Jedi spoke as if entranced.

“I will put down my arms, and remain still.”

Keeping his focus on the Acolyte, Aiden walked forward and raised his lightsaber. He truly hated to take a life, but he did what he must for Taldryan. With a graceful wave of his arm, Aiden’s amethyst blade glided through Talis’s neck with a searing hiss, and the Miralukan’s head fell from his shoulders. A tear fell from Aiden’s face as his heart blackened.

“Forgive me, forgive me for taking the life of one you so strongly gave your power to.” He spoke to the Force itself.

Aiden bent over and took the armory saber as proof of his victory, and with a heavy heart left the body, and the dark temple behind.

Vivackus Kavon di Plagia, 25 February, 2016 9:45 PM UTC

Talis could clearly see Aiden through the force

You are very inconsistent with your capitalization of "Force." This tells me you could do with some more proofreading.