Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya vs. Privateer Vadin Cal

Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Elder 3, Elder tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Privateer Vadin Cal

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Gand, Mercenary, Hunter, Sentinel
Comment

This was an enjoyable match, though I think there were hints of something greater. It was also a close match; you were both good with Syntax and Realism, but you both made errors that kept either of you from pulling ahead of your opponent. Thus the deciding factor came down to Story.

You both pulled in the Venue throughout the match, which is good. Likewise, although you came to different conclusions in the ending, I thought both were plausible and satisfying. You both touched on the recent events impacting Taldryan. However, in one post Halcyon, during a lull in the fight with Vadin, draws the attention of a mob of Matron scum who, despite being wary of an obvious FU, try to get his ID token before he scatters them with Telekinesis. Then, in the following post, Halcyon, during a lull in the fight with Vadin, draws the attention of a mob of Matron scum who, despite being wary of an obvious FU, try to get his ID token before he scatters them with Telekinesis. Vadin made good contributions to the unfolding plot in his first and last posts, but the middle was really a retread of ground Halcyon had already broken. For that reason, Halcyon Rokir Taldrya is the winner.

Like I said, this was an enjoyable match. It was a nice introduction to Halcyon's fic, which I don't think I've had occasion to read before. It demonstrated Vadin's growth as a writer since he started getting more involved in the ACC. You can both hold your heads up high on this one.

Good luck on the rest of your matches!

Alethia Archenksova, ACC Judge

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya, Privateer Vadin Cal
Winner Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Privateer Vadin Cal's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 28 November, 2016 1:40 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Syntax - 15%
Lord Halcyon High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Scattered errors, but nothing crippling. Rationale: Scattered errors, but nothing crippling. As Atra pointed out in your match with Mark, you write Vadin as using the first person plural "we" instead of third person, e.g. "he", "Vadin", or "this one". See Wikipedia's [article on Illeism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illeism) for examples. I do feel bad for not pointing this out before you were getting graded on it, but to be honest I didn't pay much attention to Gand Feats until this match landed in my queue.
Story - 40%
Lord Halcyon High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The bit about Halcyon not even having an ID token was a nice touch, but it's something that I would have liked to have seen before the very last post. The NPC interactions in you middle post were also well done. Rationale: I'd say, story-wise, your first and last posts were stronger than your middle one, which seemed to repeat a lot of themes from Halc's middle post.
Realism - 25%
Lord Halcyon High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: See post comments for details. Rationale: See post comments for details.
Continuity - 20%
Lord Halcyon High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I picked up on. Rationale: No errors that I picked up on.
Lord Halcyon's Score: 3.8 High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.8
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical 'rule' of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangars have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocket book is. The 'streets' are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from it's heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the 'streets' are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as 'off hours'. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

With tensions running high, Chute Town was far more volatile than it would have been otherwise. Several of the gangs had been stepping outside their territory of late. As yet there had been no outright acts of aggression, though the perceived slights had been steadily mounting for weeks. The cracks in the dam were beginning to show. The crew of the Godless Matron just needed to apply pressure to the right place at the right time to trigger an outright gang war.

To that end, a bounty was put in place. The premise was simple enough. The Herald would grant a measure of clemency to whomsoever cashed in the ID tokens that had been planted on several individuals at random. Such a prize was without measure for not just the gangs of Chute Town, but the denizens themselves.

Just a couple of power converters.

That thought kept running through the head of Halcyon Rokir Taldrya as he attempted to walk casually through the bustling “streets” of Chute Town. An Elder of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood, Halcyon was now an outcast in an organization he had helped build. Taldryan, his Clan, has been torn to pieces by a man once see as its saviour. Now he ran, along with a few others, trying to stay ahead of those that now hunted him and his friends.

Cut-off from his usual supply of resources, Halcyon had begun to grow desperate. They had run their ships ragged in escaping the forces after them, and did not have the necessary parts to replace everything that had begun to break down. He had come to the Godless Matron knowing full well of its ties to the Dark Council, but a trusted source had assured him that as long as he didn’t cause trouble no one would care who he was or where he came from.

It was his first visit to Chute Town, but it was no different to dozens of other pits of despair he has walked through over the decades. The details may be different, but the rancid air and kaleidoscope of wares could be found on worlds all across the galaxy. The constant buzzing at the back of Halcyon’s skull was also common in such an area; always a powder-keg of danger waiting to be lit. One was as likely to trade credits as they were to trade blaster fire when trying to make a deal.

His eyes scanned the various signs that hawked their wares, looking for the specific place he was told to go to. He could already tell most vendors were selling, at best, third or fourth-grade items. Yet if you knew the right place, and had the right amount of credits, you could manage to procure first-grade parts, or even slightly-used military-grade units. A crowd had begun to form just ahead of him, trying to view one of the communication monitors scattered throughout. He knew he should ignore the crowd and keep moving, but he also sensed that he needed to find out what everyone was trying to look at.

With slight movements of his hand he sent out invisible tendrils to move those in front of him enough for him to slip closer to the screens. It was a message from the current Herald, a woman that Halcyon had never met personally. Bounties had been placed on “random” individuals, who apparently had tokens slipped onto their person. The faces of these individuals were plastered on the screens, along with how many credits would be given for finding the tokens on these individuals.

He stared at one image, that of a man with a neat goatee and long-hair that has been pulled back, both in a distinctive green-colour.

Power converters are going to have it wait, was Halcyon’s first thought as he looked at his own image staring back at him. Fighting the urge to make sudden movements, he mentally checked that the hood of his cloak was firmly on, covering his head and shadowing his features. The crowd had begun to jostle against itself, everyone trying to see if one of those images was right next to them.

Halcyon could feel hands already beginning to grasp at him, trying to get at his cloak so that he would reveal himself. With a mental push he knocked a few of those hands back, sending them reeling against others. Tensions had already begun to rise, and the powder-keg seemed ready to be lit.

“There he is!” Halcyon cried out, pointing at a random Trandoshan who had been moving away from the crowd. As the Trandoshan’s head snapped around to see who had yelled it, the hungry crowd had already begun to converge on him, sending the large reptile-like creature fleeing.

I need to have a little talk with that source of mind, Halcyon seethed as he used the distraction to head in the opposite direction, weaving through a number of stalls to hide himself from others. A set of turquoise compound-eyes followed Halcyon’s trail. With measured steps a large Gand set off, following the trail left behind by his prey.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 3 December, 2016 7:39 PM UTC

Syntax:

He could already tell most vendors were selling, at best, third[-] or fourth-grade items.

When you drop the second half of a compound noun, you still keep the hyphen, e.g. "first-, second-, and third-tier items".

He stared at one image, that of a man with a neat goatee and long[ ]hair that has been pulled back, both in a distinctive green[ ]colour.

These are both simple noun-adjective pairings and don't need the hyphens.

Power converters are going to have [to] wait,

I need to have a little talk with that source of min[e],

Story:
This is a solid enough introduction. In a 2/2 I'd give you a little grief for barely involving Vadin, but one of the nice things about the 3/3 format is that it gives you more room to take your time developing the narrative.

Realism:

With slight movements of his hand he sent out invisible tendrils to move those in front of him enough for him to slip closer to the screens.

Per the Force Powers Guide, " Initially, a Jedi can influence the mind of a target with their full concentration." It's a minor detractor since this is basic scene-setting fluff, but that's still beyond Halc's abilities with Mind Trick +1.

Continuity:
No comments.

Vadin followed behind the green haired man slowly, careful not to draw attention to himself, or his target. Afterall, it wouldn’t be good if a bounty hunter out to kill got the green one. The Gand smiled as his prey proved to be illusive, glad that the green one was making it easier for him to follow. The two approached a small warehouse, and Vadin sped up. He bumped into Halcyon, causing the both of them to fall into the warehouse.

Halcyon rolled further into the warehouse, his hand closing around his blaster, while Vadin closed the door behind them. The warehouse was dimly lit, with boxes piled around in an organized chaos. Vadin smiled to him with his choice of location.

“Stay where you are Gand,” he heard the green man say, and his smile faded. “Turn to face me.”

Vadin turned, seeing that Halcyon had a bryar pistol aimed for his chest. Vadin suspected that were it not for his training in the Tanduran and Dac United commandos he would have tried to run. He kept his hands away from his weapons, hoping that the green haired man would not take the Knuckle plated vibroblade as a sign of aggression.

“We are not here to fight,” Vadin said calmly. “We have an idea to help both of us. You have an I.D. chip. Give it to us and we will help you. We turn it in and you escape.”

“Please,” Halcyon scoffed, not lowering his pistol. “Oldest trick in the book, I lower my blaster to give you this token and you try to kill me.”

“We understand you have no reason to trust us,” Vadin replied honestly. “We are not here to fight, but to make an ally. We know who you are green one. We have an enemy in common.”

“I’ve been in this galaxy too long to fall for that trick Gand,” Halcyon responded.

“If we cannot convince you,” Vadin said solemly, lowering his right hand, and staring Halcyon in the eye. “We will fight.”

Vadin dived back into a shoulder roll, just barely avoiding a blaster shot. In the roll he grabbed the handle of his electrowhip, and brought it forth. He landed on his feet, activating the whip. Purple energy coursed along its surface and he swung the weapon. Halcyon ducked to the right of it, dropping his blaster, and pulling forth his marbled emerald saber.

The saber ignited with the usual hisssclick, and was brought up to block the next swing of the electrowhip. Purple connected with green, knocking the whip to the side. Haclyon went on the defensive, wanting to measure his opponent before going to attack. He had seen the electrowhip used before, and didn’t like his odds if he was hit. The elder knocked aside blow after blow, glad that he could simply knock the whip aside with how strong the blows were, though he didn’t show it.

Purple clashed upon green over and over again as Halcyon began to advance, taking small steps as he closed the four meter gap. It was a slow process, but a safe one. When he was three meters away, he batted aside the whip once more, and began to call upon the Force to blast his foe with a telekinetic hammer when he saw his foe raise his left arm. A jet of flame launched out, and Halcyon threw himself to the ground to avoid getting hit. He easily avoid the jet of flame, and saw that the flame stopped almost as suddenly as it was released. He responded with the Force, blasting the Gand through the shoddy warehouse door, opening the fight to the public.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 6 December, 2016 4:12 PM UTC

Syntax:

After[ ]all, it wouldn’t be good if a bounty hunter out to kill got the green one.

The Gand smiled as his prey proved to be [elusive],

hoping that the green haired man would not take the [k]nuckle plated vibroblade as a sign of aggression.

The saber ignited with the usual hisssclick,

This isn't a detractor, but I believe the official lightsaber noise is snap-hiss.

Story:
This was a good intro. I'd like to see the potential ally angle played up going forward. You brought it up here, so it would be weird to see Vadin just shrug and spend the next three posts trying to kill Halc because he didn't immediately join the Lotus.

Realism:
I might be misreading it, but it seems like Halc was prepared for the attack. If so, make that explicit. Precog +4 isn't infallible, but I think you should address it when the only other person in the alleyway tries to jump him.

This isn't exactly a ding, but I think it would have been a bit more true to Halc's comfort with Telekinesis to have him strike at the same time as Vadin used the flamethrower.

Continuity:
No errors that I noted.

“Ah, Sithspit,” Halcyon muttered to himself as a number of Chute Town patrons turned to see why a Gand had suddenly rolled into their midst. Their eyes went from the Gand on the floor to the broken door of the warehouse and then to the other man that stood inside the warehouse. Halcyon’s hood has since fallen to his shoulders, but the dim lighting still managed to cover the specific colouring of his hair. The lightsaber in his hand however was clearly visible to others, along with the emerald blade that glowed at his side.

“That’s a Jedi!” someone from the crowd shouted, a number of them beginning to move away from the scene. Those that lived in Chute Town knew who truly ruled the Godless Matron, and those that carried a lightsaber either worked for them, or were their direct enemy. Either option was not palatable to these veterans of the vessel, and they decided to find themselves in another location.

For those passing through looking for a quick credit, they began to converge on the warehouse, their greed temporarily blinding them to danger.

“What’re you and the Gand fightin’ about, Jedi?” a mountain of a man asked, moving closer to the warehouse opening.

“Just a slight misunderstanding,” Halcyon casually responded as he mentally flicked his hood back onto his head. “Now, gentlemen, I shall be on my way.”

Vadin had already risen to one knee and watched the proceedings. Those that had remained ignoring him completely as they converged on the warehouse.

“Show us your face, Jedi,” the mountain-man spat, a blaster suddenly appearing in his hand. The others around him all nodded in agreement, each of their hands going for various weapons already on their person.

Halcyon’s only response was a thrust of his palm directed at the group, a wave of telekinetic energy exploding out from his hands and slamming into the others, sending them careening backwards into the street. Halcyon wasted no time, his motion a blur to most humanoid eyes as he burst through the open warehouse entrance and turned down one of the streets. Vadin had been watching the entire proceedings from his crouched position, a blaster rifle already in his hand. He managed to release a short burst from the rifle directed at the fleeing form, but a green shaft of light managed to reflect anything that came close to him.

Vadin swore under his respirator as he quickly got up, not bothering to look at the sprawled forms around him. He could already hear more commotion coming at the warehouse from various directions. Their little scuffle had been heard by many in Chute Town, and it seemed like everyone was coming to have a look. Vadin mentally accessed what he knew of Chute Town’s layout, trying to pinpoint where Halcyon had been moving towards.

The hangers? was the only thing that could come to mind, and it made sense, although he was sure there would be a welcoming party for anyone trying to fleet the station at the moment. His eyes searched for familiar markings. He had found various shortcuts around the Godless Matron, and he knew found the one to the hanger. Slinging his rifle over his shoulder he took off down one of the side alleyways, pumping his legs as fast as possible, trying to cut Halcyon at the pass.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 6 December, 2016 4:33 PM UTC

Syntax:

“Ah, [s]ithspit,” Halcyon muttered to himself

Story:
Great use of the venue.

Realism:
No errors that I noted.

Continuity:
No errors that I noted.

Vadin scurried down an alley rushing towards the hangars. If we lose him now, we lose a possible ally for the clan! he thought to himself as he ran.

He maneuvered around others, and as he ran people generally got out of his way. After all there was no Gand on the bounty board. As he ran he noticed several people who he saw on the bounty board, all of which would probably be easier targets than the green man. He ignored them as he had a mission he assigned himself when he first saw who had bounties placed on them.

As he turned the final corner to the hangar, he saw the green haired man slow down as half a dozen bounty hunters approached him. Vadin got on his knees and slid to a halt, slinging his rifle from his shoulder. He looked through the blaster’s scope, and saw that the man had his head still covered by his hood, and was letting the bounty hunters get in close. Halcyon had his lightsaber deactivated, and tucked away somewhere, though Vadin couldn’t tell where.

Taking action, Vadin fired to the left of one of the bounty hunters, a fairly large Zabrak, missing the man by a dozen centimeters. Vadin noticed that his target hadn’t reacted, although the bounty hunters did. Half of them turned in Vadin’s direction, approaching before Halcyon acted.

Halcyon’s hand hit the ground with a slight noise as the Force flew from his hand. The bounty hunter’s all fell, never having experienced such an attack. Then, as if sensing Vadin’s next move, he pulled out and activated his lightsaber, the emerald blade spinning around, scattering a small burst of blaster fire.

“Frak, it’s a Jedi!” the Zabrak called out as he sat up and saw what was going on. “No amount of money is worth my death!”

The Zabrak took off, fleeing from the hangar, followed close behind by four of the others who had stopped Halcyon. The remaining one, a small Trandoshan, pulled out a vibroblade.

“More money for--” she began, but was cut off as Halcyon hit her with a telekinetic hammer from point blank range. The Trandoshan collapsed unconscious.

“This Gand is very persistent,” Halcyon muttered to himself.

“Please,” Vadin called out. “We only want to talk.”

The Elder lowered his blade, though kept it ready to bring up if the Gand attacked. “If you wanted to just talk, why choose this place?”

“We came here to get money to help out friends,” Vadin replied honestly. “We did not know you were here until We saw the board. You have a reputation sir. We think we can make a deal to help us both.”

“Sithspit,” Halcyon muttered to himself. “If he knows who I am… Gand, we are done talking!”

“But…” Vadin said, dropping his rifle. He reached down to his electrowhip, expecting the Elder to charge.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 6 December, 2016 4:42 PM UTC

Syntax:

The bounty hunte[rs] all fell,

No apostrophe here. It's just a plain old plural noun.

“We did not know you were here until [w]e saw the board. You have a reputation[,] sir.

Story:

Then, as if sensing Vadin’s next move, he pulled out and activated his lightsaber, the emerald blade spinning around, scattering a small burst of blaster fire.

This is the second time, including the once in Halc's previous post, that Vadin has shot at Halc. This is also the second post that you mention Vadin wanting to recruit Halc as an ally. Why is he shooting at him? If it's because he doesn't think there's any risk of actually maiming or killing him, you should probably specify that.

Realism:
No errors that I noticed.

Continuity:
No errors that I noticed.

Halcyon only stared at the Gand as Vadin’s hand closed around the handle of the electrowhip.

“I don’t want to fight you, Gand,” Halcyon stated, weariness beginning to seep into his voice. “I only want you to leave.”

“We can both profit from that token!” Vadin exclaimed, his hand moving away from his weapon. “We know how it is to be on the run, and every credit counts.”

A small growl reverberated in Halcyon’s throat as he suddenly threw his cloak away, revealing himself in full for the first time. “There is no token!” he yelled, his hands motioning at his body. “This place is using you, and everyone else, to get what it wants! Maybe there is a reward at the end, but that’s for my steaming corpse and not for some stupid token!”

Vadin hesitated for a moment, his unblinking eyes staring at the older man across from him.

“You are lying to us,” Vadin finally responded, the sound of his voice resigned to the inevitable. “We wished things would be different, but we need this.”

As he finished his sentence Vadin’s hand shot down to his other side, looking to get a quick shot out with his blaster. The mind was quicker than any movement, Halcyon lashing out with a bolt of telekinetic energy, hammering it into the middle of Vadin’s chest. The Gand was sent careening backwards, skidding along the greasy-floor. Vadin tried to catch his breath as he heard footsteps getting closer. Willing himself to move he brought his arm around, a gout of flame shooting out of his arm.

Halcyon never moved as the flame washed over him for the second that it sprayed. The green-haired man had come away completely unscathed from the attack, his now impassive face glaring down at the Gand. With a gripping motion and then a backhanded wave of his hand he picked Vadin up and threw him further down the corridor. Vadin slammed into the ground before skidding head-first into a stack of crates that offered no give, sending him into the blackness of unconsciousness.

Halcyon turned his back on the Gand and made his way toward the hangar entrance. The bay doors stayed closed to him, the codes he was given now erroring out. Halcyon’s hands closed into fists as his head moved up and stared at a security camera that was fixed to the bulkheads above. He could feel his control beginning to slip. He no longer walked the dark roads of the Force, but he knew them well and it would take only the slightest effort to take them once more.

“Power converters,” he whispered to himself. “You could not leave well enough alone,” he spoke louder, addressing the camera. “Maybe you were hoping for a quick victory to build your reputation. Maybe you were ordered to do this. It doesn’t matter!”

The last words were spoken at the same calm level as all others, but power had been pushed through them, deepening its sound and reverberating the air around the Elder.

“You wallow too much in the filth and forget what else you may face, Sorenn. Jac and Pravus were to be the first to fall, but now...now, I will bring this entire scrapheap down around your ears and kill you first! You will die knowing you brought this all on yourself!”

Halcyon felt the darkness surge through his body, massive sparks of Force-infused power danced atop his closed fists as his body shook from the effort to control himself. The bay doors in front of him began to open. He glanced back up at the camera. The power whispered to him, telling him to continue with his previous vow. It would take only a moment to allow it to take over and control him. With a roar built of anger and frustration, Halcyon raised his arms to his side and opened his hands and released the pent-up tendrils of destruction.

The camera above him, along with others along the corridor all exploded as the Force-infused electricity lit the corridors in a violet-haze before suddenly dying down and leaving Halcyon in near-darkness. He breath came in ragged gasps, but he was now back in complete control. He looked back for a second, seeing the body of the Gand stirring and trying to rise back to his feet. Without another word he turned back and strode towards his ship.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 6 December, 2016 4:50 PM UTC

Syntax:

The Gand was sent careening backwards, skidding along the greasy[ ]floor.

Story:

“There is no token!” he yelled, his hands motioning at his body. “This place is using you, and everyone else, to get what it wants! Maybe there is a reward at the end, but that’s for my steaming corpse and not for some stupid token!”

This was a clever touch. After all, who actually trusts Morgan?

Realism:

Halcyon never moved as the flame washed over him for the second that it sprayed. The green-haired man had come away completely unscathed from the attack, his now impassive face glaring down at the Gand.

How? There's nothing inherently fireproof about Halcyon. You could use Barrier, sure, but you need to mention that.

Continuity:
No errors that I noticed.

Vadin tensed as a second passed, then another. He saw Halcyon rise his hand slowly, and his training kicked in. Activating his knuckle plate vibroblade Vadin smashed his weapon down into the metal floor, the heavy vibrating titanium blade cut into the metal. As he did he was hit by a blast of the Force, being shoved back several meters. He cursed under his respirator as he was pushed back, his right arm taking the brunt of the damage as it kept him upright.

When the blast stopped, Vadin stood up, and tested his arm. It was functional, though the muscles were strained. Haclyon however, didn’t wait. The Elder used Vadin’s distraction to his advantage, and came in igniting his lightsaber. Vadin threw himself to the ground, attempting to get out of the way. He landed on the ground with a thud, then rolled to the right, away from Halcyon and his emerald blade.

Halcyon stopped as he barely missed the Gand on the rushing strike. He watched the bounty hunter roll across the ground, and stop two meters away. He leaped over another quick blast of flame, that danced across the metal floor. Vadin stood up, and backed towards the hangar wall. His back hit a pipe, and he watched as Halcyon advance again. Without thinking, Vadin moved next to the pipe, and slashed at it with his blade, and steam blasted from the pipe.

We guess that was an exhaust pipe! he thought in panic. We don’t know if we can win this!

Halcyon jumped to the side of the steam blast, annoyed that his outfit covered so much as the hangar began to heat up. He called on the Force, sending lightning flying from his finger tips, scattering the steam around him. The lightning went along the steam, not flying to Vadin.

The Gand stared at the steam as it light up and dispersed quickly before more came from the exhaust pipe. He saw Halcyon advancing again through the steam, and began to step further back, grabbing his electrowhip. He saw the emerald blade ignite as Halcyon reached the edge of the steam, and then saw the green haired man approach. Vadin lashed out at the Elders ankle, only to have his whip knocked aside by the spinning emerald blade. Vadin lashed out three more times, bringing his whip around to Halcyons other ankle, and attempting to go for Halcyon’s wrists. Each time purple clashed on green and the whip was knocked away.

Vadin backed up, trying to get away from the Elder, and his back hit a ship. Halcyon placed his blade near Vadin’s throat before he shut it down. He passed the token to Vadin, who was to stunned by the fight to catch it.

“You aren’t a threat to me,” the Elder said. “So, I’ll take you at your word. If you want to find me, meet me back in Chute Town in three hours. Turn in my bounty. And I will consider whatever it is you have to say. I don’t promise to agree to it. But I will listen.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 6 December, 2016 5:04 PM UTC

Syntax:

Activating his knuckle plate vibroblade Vadin smashed his weapon down into the metal floor, [and] the heavy vibrating titanium blade cut into the metal.

Story:
#GoodGuyHalcyon

Realism:

He called on the Force, sending lightning flying from his finger tips, scattering the steam around him. The lightning went along the steam, not flying to Vadin.

Steam's not conductive, or at any rate not conductive enough to completely derail Force Lightning.

Continuity:
No errors that I noted.