Dark Brotherhood - Antei Combat Center

Mystic Mactire vs. Knight Inyri Ginovef

Mystic Mactire

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow

Male Human, Force Disciple, , Sentinel

vs.

Knight Inyri Ginovef

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow

Female Human, Force Disciple,

Battle Information

Comment	First, apologies for the long delay and thank you for your patience waiting for this match to be judged. This match may have started as a standard training battle, but you both took it in your own direction and made it engaging, which is what made this fun to read and grade. Mactire, your introduction to the venue and the characters was very promising, though the venue seemed to disappear later in your posts. Going back to the various elements of the venue (for example the audience of trainees) can help to bring the scene to life. The strongest element of your story was how the combatants’ emotions changed throughout the battle. This is an area you can flesh out by showing the context behind these emotions and how these specific characters react in this specific way. You had a Realism error concerning the amount of damage Inyri could inflict with her weapon. Remember that Might factors as much in melee fighting as in bare-handed fighting. In terms of syntax, a thorough proofread can help you spot more errors, but the main thing is don’t be discouraged and keep practicing! Inyri, you took in your opponent’s plot and ramped it up to make a compelling story. You created tension in your fighting scenes by placing real difficulties in front of the characters. Your Final Post conveyed very well how the escalation in combat affected the two characters, though there was still some room for fleshing out the background and context for the characters being here in the first place. There were also two Realism issues that distorted the story in your two posts. See the post comments for more details. In the end, Inyri’s command of plot and personalities gave her the edge in this match. Congratulations Inyri Ginovef, you are the winner!
Hall	Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages	4 out of 4
Time Limit	7 Days
Battle Style	Alternative Ending
Battle Status	Judged
Combatants	Mystic Mactire, Knight Inyri Ginovef
Winner	Knight Inyri Ginovef
Force Setting	Standard
Weapon Setting	Standard
Mystic Mactire's Character Snapshot	Snapshot
Knight Inyri Ginovef's Character Snapshot	Snapshot
Venue	Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post	16 January, 2017 5:50 AM UTC
Assigned Judge	Korroth

Winner: Knight Inyri Ginovef (Click for Scores)

Syntax - 15%
Kristeva	Satre Pelles
Score: 3	Score: 4
Rationale: Several repeated errors with punctuation, especially around speech quotes. Some words were out of place or repeated. Otherwise a great improvement on your previous judged matches.	Rationale: There were some problems with punctuation around speech quotes that kept you back, otherwise no significant issues.
Story - 40%
Kristeva	Satre Pelles
Score: 3	Score: 4
Rationale: You wrote a story with a solid introduction and an entertaining ending. Your posts are good at using the emotions of the two characters, but they don’t quite explain the motives behind them. You painted a picture of the venue at the very beginning, but you did not use it later on.	Rationale: Your story had an engaging theme, which you carried through to the end. Though you explored the two characters’ emotions and limits very well, the wider context and motivations were left a bit wanting. You use the venue effectively to progress the story and you had the right balance of action, description and dialogue.
Realism - 25%
Kristeva	Satre Pelles
Score: 4	Score: 3
Rationale: A minor issue with applying Inyri’s CS to an injury she inflicted on Mactire. See your Final Post comments.	Rationale: You overestimated the potency of Mactire’s Telekinetic Wave in your first post. In the Final Post you underestimated the severity of Inyri’s lightsaber injury and overestimated her ability to power through it.
Continuity - 20%
Kristeva	Satre Pelles
Score: 5	Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I found.	Rationale: No issues that I found.
Kristeva's Score: 3.65	Satre Pelles's Score: 3.95

Posts

Duelist Hall - Old Container 6 January, 2017 2:56 AM UTC 06 Jan [Combat Training Center](Asset Not Found) Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers. There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitori. [Combat Training Center](Asset Not Found) A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring mat has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical shockboxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard rubber mat is hardly forgiving. Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment. The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room. The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also reserved for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center. [Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Weapon Load Out for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]
Mystic Mactire (represented by Kristeva) (Snapshot) (Clan Naga Sadow) 11 January, 2017 3:48 AM UTC 11 Jan \| 692 words \| Mactire sighed heavily in the training room as more people kept entering through the sliding doors. All the people entering were sent here from different Clans in order to have rudimentary combat hand to hand combat training from different styles and masters. All the masters of a certain style were placed into a lottery and as fate would have it or as a cruel jest for his past, Mactire’s name had been selected for prowess in the style of K’thri. On the mat most people were sparring against each other, showing off their current level of prowess in what styles they currently knew. Though they all seemed more intent in trying to show different clans, just how powerful their own was. The Shadow smiled lightly while watching everyone. Reminding him of his days at the Academy training perspective Corsec recruits. As he slowly made his way to the center of the ring, calling upon the Force, he enhanced his voice slightly. “Alright, enough!” he shouted using amplification for all to hear. Everyone stopped and looked at him awkwardly, trying to see who he was and why when he spoke it seemed to cause them to give him most of their attention at most, their respect at least. “So this is what I have to work with today hmm? A bunch of children who would rather play games instead of learning? Well I’ve taught children before so this is nothing new to me.” Mactire spoke facetiously. Some of them laughed, others glared wondering why they had to learn a style mainly to Iridonians, from a human who stood about as tall as a Bothan. “Alright let’s get started. Only way to really learn is to jump right in my Master used to say. So who wants to dance first? Come on now we haven’t got all day.” The Mystic quibbled jesterly why looking upon all the faces as some slowly stepped back unsure as what to do. A figure in full Rebel Spec-ops armor, without her helmet stepped forward. Her ice blue colored eyes showed she had seen combat before and wasn’t a stranger to death. Her skin showed no wares of stress or loss upon her. She grinned lightly moving a hand through her red hair. “Well Sir, do styles matter in this or can I use what I know?” she smirked while slightly stretching. “Use what you know. Makes it more fun for me.” The Mystic replied smirking back while slowly moving into a stance. This was the Mystic’s first mistake. As soon as he got into his stance, his opponent lunged forward, grabbed his arm and in a fluid motion, turned around and threw him onto the ground hard. “Oh did you need to finish getting ready first?” She glared at him with her icy blue eyes with an intense glare he rarely saw in most these days. The Mystic kicked her hard in the lower part of her spine, forcing her to move forward. Placing his hands firmly near his head on the mat, he pushed up landing on his feet. While his attacker was still facing the opposite direction he kicked the back of her left knee forcing her to drop. While she gasped in surprise he, spun into another quick kick, landing a solid blow on her right shoulder. This caused his opponent to roll to the left. As she rolled, while placing her hands on the ground she managed to push herself up and glared at the Mystic “Ok now I’m mad.” she growled baring her teeth, charging toward him. As she got closer the Mystic ran towards her, leaping into the air, he stretched out his left leg and connected the base of it with the right side of her face, forcing her to the left side and back onto the floor. She glared at him slowly getting up. With a evil grin upon her face. The Mystic knew that look in anyone eyes. The fight was about to change quickly and he would either have to adapt to it or end up in the Bacta tanks. Korroth, 28 January, 2017 5:58 AM UTC Syntax in order to have rudimentary combat hand to hand combat training Repetition of “combat”. sent here from different Clans show different clans I’ve seen “Clans” being capitalised more often than not when referring to the Brotherhood units. Either way, consistency is best within your own posts. more intent in trying to show different clans, just how powerful their own was. These two statements do not naturally separate (they depend on each other to make sense). The sentence would flow better without that comma. wondering why they had to learn a style mainly to Iridonians It feels like there’s a bit of information missing from this sentence (mainly what?) “Alright[,] let’s get started. Only way to really learn is to jump right in[,] my Master used to say. A good way of getting punctuation right in speech quotes is to read them out loud. You will be able to “hear” where the commas go. The Mystic quibbled jesterly why looking upon all the faces “Jesterly” doesn’t really exist as a word, and it sits a bit awkwardly in this sentence. There are already a couple of commonly-used adverbs that could have conveyed the same meaning. Also, “why” probably wasn’t what you meant to write in this sentence. A figure in full Rebel Spec-ops armor, without her helmet[,] stepped forward. This would be a good place to put a bracketing comma. Bracketing commas serve to mark off a piece of information (without her helmet) which adds to the sentence, but is not essential for it to make sense (A figure in full Rebel Spec-ops armor stepped forward). Makes it more fun for [me,” the] Mystic replied[,] smirking back When a speech quote is followed by “X replied” or “Y said” or “Z shouted” the quote should end with a comma. The ACC Guide has a good explanation of this. Have a look at the rest of your posts, you’ll see that there are several more instances where a comma should have gone instead of a full-stop. While she gasped in surprise he, spun into another quick kick No comma was necessary in this sentence. the Mystic ran towards her, leaping into the air[. He] stretched out his left leg and connected the base of it with the right side of her face Those are two complete, independent sentences, so they should be separated by a full-stop, otherwise it would be a runon sentence. She glared at him slowly getting up. With a evil grin upon her face. The statement with an evil grin upon her face is not a complete sentence, it relies on the previous sentence (She glared at him slowly getting up) to make sense, so there shouldn’t be a full stop separating the two. The Mystic knew that look in anyone[‘s] eyes. This sentence uses the possessive (the eyes of anyone). Story This was a good setup to the battle. You introduced the combatants, the venue and the context for the battle. You hinted at Mactire’s feelings towards combat training, and that is something that you could have developed further. Fleshing it out throughout the post could have helped to draw your reader into the battle. Realism As she got closer the Mystic ran towards her, leaping into the air, he stretched out his left leg These dramatic acrobatic manoeuvres fit very well with Mactire’s Martial Arts style, nicely done!
Knight Inyri Ginovef (represented by Satre Pelles) (Snapshot) 15 January, 2017 9:08 PM UTC 15 Jan \| 496 words \| Just as Inyri got herself righted, Mactire stood up right, drew his fist back and slammed it hard into the ground. Unprepared, Inyri was caught by the invisible shockwave that had just formed, and was sent flying. The black armored mass that was Inyri smashed into the training dummies like a ball into pins, and Inyri was now on her back in a pile of punching targets. “What the hell was that for, you lunatic?” Inyri demanded, trying to haul herself up. Mactire began rushing towards her with inhuman speed, and Inyri could feel that another powerful attack was about to come her way. Her hand came into contact with one of the dummy stands, separated from the torso of the dummy, and she wrapped her fingers around it. With a feral roar, Mactire launched into a flying kick, but Inyri was ready, her course of action clear in her mind’s eye. She rolled to the side, leaving her opponent to crash into the pile of dummies, and then came up and swung the metal bar, catching the Mystic across the head. As Mactire recoiled from the blow, Inyri swung in behind him, planting her feet on either side of his torso, and then hooked the bar under his chin, pulling back hard. “You want to escalate this? Fine, I can play rough, too.” Inyri hissed, now trying to choke out her opponent. Grunting, Mactire began to push himself from under Inyri, freeing himself slowly from the Knight’s grasp. As soon as he was free, he rolled so he was facing her and punched her squarely in the throat. Inyri rolled off of Mactire, coughing and trying to recover from the surprise attack. As she tried to crawl away, she heard the unmistakable hissing of a lightsaber activating. “You wanted to show me what you know. So. Show me.” Mactire taunted. Inyri rolled onto her back, still clutching the metal bar in her hand. Her opponent’s lightsaber was the same light blue as her own, but hers was stowed with the rest of her things on the other side of the room. Inyri squinted her eyes and held up her right hand at Mactire, and he staggered backwards, his world now a blinding white light. Inyri launched to her feet, fueling herself through the Force. First she slammed the pipe across his right leg to take him off balance, then grabbed both ends of the pipe to smash up his hands and remove his lightsaber from the equation for the moment. Her follow up was to then jab the pipe in like a baton, slamming it into his stomach, before smashing it into the left side of his torso. By the time Mactire could see again, he was on a knee, wheezing for breath. “You’re like everyone else, you underestimate me. Well, come on, tough guy. You still got your lightsaber, I just have a broken stand.” Inyri growled, her eyes narrowed. Korroth, 28 January, 2017 6:00 AM UTC Syntax Mactire stood up right When indicating a straight standing position it is usually written as a single word, “upright.” Inyri was caught by the invisible shockwave that had just formed, and was sent flying. The comma was unnecessary in this sentence. “And was sent flying” is a dependent clause that relies on the preceding sentence to make sense, so there should be no comma before “and.” Fine, I can play rough, too[,]” Inyri hissed When a statement modifies the way the preceding speech quote is read (Inyri hissed, Mactire taunted, Inyri growled) the speech quote should end with a comma. See the ACC Guide for more examples on this. Realism Unprepared, Inyri was caught by the invisible shockwave that had just formed, and was sent flying. The black armored mass that was Inyri smashed into the training dummies like a ball into pins, and Inyri was now on her back in a pile of punching targets. The Feat “Telekinetic Wave” produces a wave that “will knock back and topple any foes.” Inyri flying through the air and knocking over the training dummies is a minor Realism detractor, because it significantly overestimates the force of impact given by this Force power. Even if taken by surprise, the wave would have knocked her over at most. Apart from this Realism discrepancy, I liked your use of the dummies throughout the post. It was a nice way to bring the venue into the battle and a good use of your character’s abilities.
Mystic Mactire (represented by Kristeva) (Snapshot) (Clan Naga Sadow) 16 January, 2017 4:26 AM UTC 16 Jan \| 696 words \| \| Final Post Mactire growled lightly, slightly shaking his head, while using his free hand to lightly hold his ribs. Several of them felt broken, but he didn’t have time to try to heal them. He needed to focus on his opponent. She was right, he did underestimate him, but then again, she didn’t know what secrets he held either. With shear effort the Mystic stood up looking at the Knight with determination. Inyri charged forward with the makeshift quarterstaff, swinging it at his head. Mactire dropped quickly, slightly springing forwards turning off his lightsaber and rolling to the dummy pile. “You know failure isn’t in my vocabulary. Let’s dance.” the Mystic mocked while grabbing a piece of wood spinning it around like a quarterstaff, moving his right hand in a come towards me motion. Glaring in frustration at him, the Knight gripped her weapon tighter and lunged forward. As the Mystic tried to block the attack, she quickly spun and landed a blow on his left side sending him against the wall hard. “DON’T EVER MOCK ME!!!!!!” Inyri roared, while walking towards him slowly. Mactire lightly coughed up some blood, and there was an intense pain in his side where she had struck. Growling deeply he locked his eyes on her. Though the battle was turning the tide could turn again. If he only he could break her of her anger. Or if he could make her blind to it like his Masters had always done to him until he learned. As the Knight got closer with each step, the Mystic got up slowly and closed his eyes focusing his energy slightly into the palm of his hand, then as she got a few steps closer he unleashed a Telekinetic pulse that sent her flying backwards. As she spun in the air a few feet the shock of the attack caught the Knight by complete surprise and only enraged her further. She landed with extreme difficulty onto one foot and one knee, and glared with murder in her eyes towards the Mystic. Slowly she reached behind her back and pulled out a dagger. She eyed the distance between and threw the dagger straight towards his head. Mactire dodged it only just by a hair, the blade had grazed his cheek. Breathing heavier, he realized that in his last Force attack it had taken a lot more out of him then he initially thought. The battle would be determined in the next few strikes. He had to make them count, if anything he had to at least make her realize that he was someone to be wary of in the future. Taking a firm stance he charged forward towards the Knight, growling deeply, he dropped the makeshift staff, while leaping into the air and kicking towards her with his left foot. She grinned blocking it and pushed it away. That was her mistake, he turned with his body, and using his other leg landed a hard kick to the side of her head knocking her down. “Inyri I spared with you. I respect you. You got one hell of a right hook.” Mactire sighed heavily rubbing his side. He knew the Bacta tank would be the only place for him to fully heal at this point, with as much pain as he was suppressing. Slowly he turned and started to head towards the medical center. As he got closer to the door he turned to see Inyri charging towards him. He knew he wasn’t fast enough to get out the way in time and waited, as she got closer. “YOU’RE PATHETIC YOU KNOW THAT!” she hollered towards him raising her right fist. When the Knight threw her fist towards him, he smirked grabbing it and slamming her into the door hard. As she fell the door slowly opened. Using the last of his might he kicked her hard in the ribs sending her into the medical center. “Look after her, and get me into a tank.” Mactire said while winking at a nurse before completely collapsing to the floor. The fight was harder on him than he ever thought it would be. Korroth, 28 January, 2017 6:01 AM UTC Syntax She was right, he did underestimate him Slightly confusing use of pronouns here. With shear effort the Mystic stood up “Shear” is a noun/verb which describes the cutting of sheep’s wool or the stress produced by the movement of two layers of a substance. In this sentence, “sheer” (an adjective meaning utter, mere, unmitigated) would be more appropriate. With [sheer] effort the Mystic stood up looking at the Knight with determination. “With [sheer] effort the Mystic stood up” and “looking at the Knight with determination” are two distinct clauses. You need to separate them with either a comma, “the Mystic stood up, looking at the Knight” or with a conjunction, “the Mystic stood up and looked at the Knight”. There are several instances in this post where this applies: “springing forwards turning off his lightsaber”, “grabbing a piece of wood spinning it around”, “landed a blow on his left side sending him against the wall”, “closed his eyes focusing his energy”, though many more where you separate the clauses correctly. Let’s dance[,]” the Mystic mocked As in your previous post: when the statement following a speech quote describes the quote in some way, the speech quote should end with a comma. “DON’T EVER MOCK ME!!!!!!” Inyri roared While multiple consecutive exclamation marks are common in textspeak, in fiction writing it risks distracting the reader from a fluid reading of the text. You already convey the way the speech quote is spoken with the all-caps and the descriptive verb “roared.” Using the multiple exclamation marks as well seems like overkill. Inyri roared, while walking towards him slowly. In this sentence, “while” is a conjunction that joins the two clauses “Inyri roared” and “walking towards him”. Because this conjunction is present, the comma is not necessary. If he only he could break her of her anger. Repetition of “he” and “her”. Mactire dodged it only just by a hair, the blade had grazed his cheek. These are two separate sentences, so they should be separated by a full-stop. Breathing heavier “Heavier” is an adjective. It can only be paired with a noun. Since “breathing” is a verb, you would use an adverb, “Breathing more heavily”. it had taken a lot more out of him then he initially thought. This should be “than he initially thought”. Inyri[,] I spared with you. This should either be “I sparred with you” (that is, I exchanged blows with you) or “I spared you” (that is, I let you live). Mactire growled lightly, slightly shaking his head, while using his free hand to lightly hold his ribs. I notice that you use the words “lightly” and “slightly” in your posts a lot. They stand out a little bit because they are repeated and they don’t always seem necessary to convey the picture. If you use them, make sure that they add useful meaning to the scene. Story This was a strong closing post, and your final scene was very entertaining. You brought out some of the combatants’ personality and you weaved it into the narrative. There wasn’t much mention of the venue, and that’s something that could have enriched the post. The overall plot was very straight-forward and didn’t vary much from the path established in the previous post, though you still drove the story forward with well-paced and engaging combat scenes. Realism while using his free hand to lightly hold his ribs. Several of them felt broken, but he didn’t have time to try to heal them. In terms of Continuity, you showed that you were keeping track of characters’ injuries in this post. However, this line is a stretch in terms of Realism given Inyri’s +0 Might. Hands-free, a punch at +1 Might will “sting, but won’t leave bruises” and at +5 “punches have been known to break bones.” Inyri used the added force of a metal pipe when she inflicted this injury, but even so she did not have the muscle power to break bones. Let’s dance.” the Mystic mocked while grabbing a piece of wood spinning it around like a quarterstaff, moving his right hand in a come towards me motion. Glaring in frustration at him, the Knight gripped her weapon tighter and lunged forward. As the Mystic tried to block the attack, she quickly spun and landed a blow on his left side sending him against the wall hard. This was an entertaining moment, both in terms of Realism and Story. You had Mactire’s confidence stub its toe against the reality of his comparative skill with improvised blunt weapons, which shows you can use the Character Sheets to make an engaging combat scene, nicely done.
Knight Inyri Ginovef (represented by Satre Pelles) (Snapshot) 16 January, 2017 5:50 AM UTC 16 Jan \| 463 words \| \| Final Post - Winner Mactire’s hand shot out, and Inyri felt the metal bar in her hand ripped from her grasp despite her best efforts. It clattered to the floor behind her, and he then stalked towards her, raising his lightsaber in an overhand slash. Inyri tucked into a roll to avoid the saber, which smashed into the ground. She came back up to strike, but the blue blade slashed across her torso, sending her spinning to the floor, screaming in pain. Red and black filled the borders of her vision, and she struggled to keep conscious. Pain seared through her, and she could smell the burned flesh and duraplast assaulting her nose. She felt a boot plant onto her back and force her flat onto her chest. Inyri forced herself to push through the pain and fatigue, to get back into the fight, but she was struggling to find that spark of determination. Not when she was so clearly in an untenable position. She heard the blade hum loudly as it was brought up. “HEY! YOU KNOW THE RULES! NO EXECUTIONS!” A voice barked over the loudspeaker. Inyri looked up to see Mactire readying his blade to plunge it into her back in a coup de grace. He lowered it as he looked to the observation room, and Inyri saw her opening. Pushing herself up onto her hands and knees, she bolted up and closed the distance. First, she slammed a knee into his groin, and then further up into his stomach, disorienting and knocking the wind out of her opponent. She then grabbed his left arm with both hands and with a sharp twist and a sickening crunch, the saber was falling to the floor with the blade shutting down and Mactire’s arm now broken. He shoved hard against her with his right shoulder to break away. “So. Kill an unarmed opponent because the fight got out of hand? Is that how you operate, is that it?” Inyri demanded. “You were doing the same.” Mactire replied, seething with pain. “You know people pass out before they die, right? Thirty seconds to cause them to pass out, sixty to kill. It’s called a sleeper hold, you psychopath.” Inyri said. “You had every intention to kill me.” Mactire started to step closer to Inyri. “The hell I did! It’s in the kriffing rules that no one gets killed here. And while I don’t give a damn what the Inquisitorious wants, the spirit of this place is more important than politics,” Inyri turned away, limping towards the door, “Don’t ever presume to tell me my intentions, you karking lunatic. I’m walking away, this is over.” Inyri limped towards the medical bay, leaving Mactire standing in the middle of the sparring floor. Korroth, 28 January, 2017 6:07 AM UTC Syntax NO EXECUTIONS!” [a] voice barked over the loudspeaker. The exclamation mark is in effect substituting a comma here, so the word following the speech quote shouldn’t be capitalised. “You were doing the same[,]” Mactire replied Again, when ending a speech quote with “she said,” “he replied,” the statement outside the speech quote is essentially in the same sentence as the speech quote, so they should be separated by a comma rather than a full-stop. the spirit of this place is more important than politics[.]” Inyri turned away, limping towards the door[.] “Don’t ever presume to tell me my intentions In this case, Inyri turned away, limping towards the door is a separate sentence. It does not refer to how the speech quote is spoken, it simply describes a separate action that occurs between those two fragments of speech. Story With this post you wrote a convincing conclusion to the theme of escalation that you adopted in your first post. Your action was fast paced and your description of Inyri’s injury was engaging, although it brought up a Realism issue later on (see below). You used both action and dialogue to convey the shock of Inyri finding herself in a life-or-death situation when she was just expecting a training session, and I think that is the strong point of this post. Realism Pushing herself up onto her hands and knees, she bolted up and closed the distance. First, she slammed a knee into his groin, and then further up into his stomach, disorienting and knocking the wind out of her opponent. She then grabbed his left arm with both hands and with a sharp twist and a sickening crunch, the saber was falling to the floor with the blade shutting down and Mactire’s arm now broken. He shoved hard against her with his right shoulder to break away. This was a fast-paced and well-written action scene. However, it does raise an issue in terms of Realism. In the previous paragraph Inyri “struggled to keep conscious” as she tried to deal with her lightsaber injury. Taking her +1 Endurance and her basic Control Self skills into consideration, there isn’t anything between that paragraph and the next one to suggest her condition had changed. Having her perform combat so successfully goes against the severity of a slashing lightsaber wound and gives the story a hit in terms of Realism. When involving an injured character in action, it helps to take their movements step-by-step in your mind and consider how each is affected or curtailed by the injury.