Oricon was a thoroughly unpleasant world, and this so-called “Graveyard” was about the most unpleasant part of it. Ancient ship debris littered the landscape, an ashen and lava hellhole that no being in their right mind would have willingly come to. But Sabe wasn’t here willingly.
Command had sent her here on a recon operation, tracking the remnants of the privately hired forces that had been driven out of Naga Sadow space by Darth Ashen and his forces retaking Ragnos Cathedral. The higher ups needed to know if they intended to come back or if they were fleeing for good, and Sabe had proverbially drawn the equally proverbial short straw.
She lay perched on an outcropping, her A280 CFE assembled into a sniper rifle, as she watched the enemy down below, having made their camp inside a circle of ship husks. Sentries patrolled on the top of the ship with blaster rifles, though Sabe figured they had poor lines of sight even from there, given how many ships littered the area.
Her finger slipped into the trigger guard when she saw a cloaked figure approaching the camp. Shifting her sights to watch who was approaching, her finger slid back out and rested against the rifle’s receiver. Whoever it was, the inhabitants of the encampment knew to expect them, and the cloaked figure stepped through, approaching a pair of the enemy soldiers at a table. Sabe shifted her rifle’s optics back onto the sentries, and quickly set to work picking them off. Crimson bolts silently lanced out for their marks, one after another. Though the inhabitants of the camp couldn’t hear the shots coming, and the bolts themselves did not stand out against the environment, they did hear the final grunts and dropping bodies of the sentries.
That got their attention, and everyone except the cloaked figure and the two by the table started rushing to take up cover. They were also cut down from afar, but what caught Sabe off guard was the cloaked figure activated a light blue lightsaber and cut down their hosts. Whoever this was, it warranted further investigation, so Sabe crawled back from her perch and made her way down to the encampment. On the way down, she removed the scope, foregrip and stock from her A280, tucking them into her pack.
Stepping up to the encampment, the cloaked figure turned to face her, flipping the cowl of his hood down with his off-hand, still holding a lightsaber. Sabe kept her A280 pistol at the ready as she approached, but she recognized the face looking at her, Mactire.
“Do you wish to explain why you blew my operation, soldier?” Mactire asked with a scowl.
“Was it Operation Get Chummy With The Bad Guys? Because if it was, you have a lot to explain. And not to me,” Sabe replied, not approaching any closer.
“Walk away, call in the mission as complete. My presence here is none of your concern,” Mactire turned away, walking up to the table.
“No no no, it very much so is a concern. So either answer my kriffing question, or you can join the body count,” Sabe brought up her pistol, leveling the sights on Mactire’s back.
“You’re bluffing. And you’re nowhere near able to take out someone of my power,” Mactire scoffed.
“...poor choice of words,” Sabe pulled the trigger twice, the whine of the blaster echoing in the valley and ring of wrecks. Mactire spun around effortlessly and the two bolts smacked into the hull of the ship behind him, adding more scorches to the battle worn hull. He reached out with the Force, his off hand guiding the way, and hurled a small container towards Sabe. The commando quickly swung around the corner of the hull next to her, getting behind cover as the container flew past her.
“Just remember that you brought this on yourself,” Mactire called out.
“Yeah, whatever helps ya sleep at night, ya kriffer,” Sabe replied, a slow drawl slipping into her speech.
Syntax
This is a case of repetition. “Proverbial,” and thus the sentence, could be reduced to “had drawn the proverbial short straw.
The comma here should be a colon.
Story
I’m not marking this as a detractor, but this seems like a rather odd introduction given that Mactire just helped slaughter the entire encampment. Be mindful of this kind of thing, since it seems inserted for tropish melodramatics.
Realism
Since you have already indicated that Sabe is firing from a higher vantage, unless the sky is energy-bolt red (which it isn’t), this is a fallacy. Likewise, as there is no indication (CS/Loadout) that your weapon is silenced, the sentries would hear it. Minor detractor.
While Sabe and Mactire might be decent at their particular roles, ripping through a mercenary camp without any return fire or a noteworthy fight is ridiculous. Just because they’re NPCs doesn’t mean you can ignore their potential skillsets. Minor detractor.
Synopsis
There was a fair amount right with this post. Syntax only had a small handful of issues, as did realism. However, the issues with realism were on a level that detracted heavily from the reading experience. The story itself was understandable — Sabe is on a recon mission, runs into Mactire by accident. What isn’t very well elaborated on is the reason that Sabe decides to just shoot Mactire, or why she decided to take on an entire enemy camp singlehanded on a recon mission (which you were marked for in the realism section).