Mystic Mactire vs. Captain Sabe Baize

Mystic Mactire

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow, Sentinel
vs.

Captain Sabe Baize

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist
Comment

Greetings combatants, and welcome to the feedback portion of the program. Hopefully the choobies-reaming that I provide won't dissuade you from returning to the ACC in the future. We here on the staff love seeing folks writing avidly, even if I manage to sound like a raving bantha on a 'roid rage while grading. So, let's get to it.

First, I want to introduce you both to something called Chekhov's gun. You both like to wound each other and yourselves, and you'll name the specific body part in the process, which is fine — if it actually matters to the plot. Case in point, in Sabe's final post, Mac was shot in his left leg. Did it matter which leg was shot? No. If it doesn't matter, don't bother with it. Now, something that you should always have in a story is... well, story, which you didn't. Have, that is. There was no story. After the first half of the first post, the entire match devolved into combat and petty name calling or uninspired dialogue. You are graded on story — providing a rich backdrop for the conflict that you're fighting. Write it!

Sabe, you have some serious issues with realism and describing exactly what is going on. As I said in one of the post synopses: failing to describe the scene doesn’t absolve you from your realism errors. There were several instances where character positions/conditions were ignored or not described, which was either oversight or intentional to allow you to write what you wanted without having to explain how you got there. Further, since you added NPCs to the story, it would have behooved you to have given them more of a role in the story: it was part of your mission, which (were I to be the evaluating officer) I would say you failed. The goal of the ACC isn't (just) to make your character look good; it's here to provide a fictional, cooperative or competitive venue to build a short story on. Do that next time, and you'll go far.

Mac, dude, you need to proof your work. That, or actually look at what you're writing, because a lot of your syntax issues were blatantly obvious and not even on a complex level. If you did have someone else proof this piece, get a different proofer (you'll see this same comment in the post notations). Your realism suffered slightly because of CS adherence, but was otherwise tolerable. The final straw on your score was the continuity errors, which is just a matter of paying attention to what is going on in each post. Hint: if you ease up on the combat and maybe add some more plot, it might make it easier to track what's happening and where.

With all that whingeing said, Sabe wins the match by points. Now get the frack out of my store and come again!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Mactire, Captain Sabe Baize
Winner Captain Sabe Baize
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Mactire's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Captain Sabe Baize's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 1 March, 2017 2:48 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Qyreia Arronen
Syntax - 15%
Kristeva Satre Pelles
Score: 2 Score: 4
Rationale: Repeated errors in all but simplest aspects of syntax. See notes for further details. Rationale: Several minor errors and use of repetitive language. See notes for further details.
Story - 40%
Kristeva Satre Pelles
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: Offers little more than combat and talking heads. Setting plays very little impact, and story beyond the conflict is practically nonexistent. See notes for further details. Rationale: Setting played minor role in first post, only to be forgotten in the second. Dialogue consisted of little more than insult-throwing, and any story beyond the combat was missing after the first post. See notes for further details.
Realism - 25%
Kristeva Satre Pelles
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple minor detractors found. See notes for further details. Rationale: Multiple minor detractors found. See notes for further details.
Continuity - 20%
Kristeva Satre Pelles
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Two continuity errors found. See notes for further details. Rationale: No continuity errors noted.
Kristeva's Score: 2.65 Satre Pelles's Score: 3.15
Posts

Oricon Starship Graveyard

Oricon, the base of the ancient Dread Masters and nearly lost to time is steeped in the Dark Side, echoing the influences of both the Dread Masters and Darth Vitus before them. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes most humanoids as it forces their eyes to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call out to those that can sense its terror—the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

Oricon was a thoroughly unpleasant world, and this so-called “Graveyard” was about the most unpleasant part of it. Ancient ship debris littered the landscape, an ashen and lava hellhole that no being in their right mind would have willingly come to. But Sabe wasn’t here willingly.

Command had sent her here on a recon operation, tracking the remnants of the privately hired forces that had been driven out of Naga Sadow space by Darth Ashen and his forces retaking Ragnos Cathedral. The higher ups needed to know if they intended to come back or if they were fleeing for good, and Sabe had proverbially drawn the equally proverbial short straw.

She lay perched on an outcropping, her A280 CFE assembled into a sniper rifle, as she watched the enemy down below, having made their camp inside a circle of ship husks. Sentries patrolled on the top of the ship with blaster rifles, though Sabe figured they had poor lines of sight even from there, given how many ships littered the area.

Her finger slipped into the trigger guard when she saw a cloaked figure approaching the camp. Shifting her sights to watch who was approaching, her finger slid back out and rested against the rifle’s receiver. Whoever it was, the inhabitants of the encampment knew to expect them, and the cloaked figure stepped through, approaching a pair of the enemy soldiers at a table. Sabe shifted her rifle’s optics back onto the sentries, and quickly set to work picking them off. Crimson bolts silently lanced out for their marks, one after another. Though the inhabitants of the camp couldn’t hear the shots coming, and the bolts themselves did not stand out against the environment, they did hear the final grunts and dropping bodies of the sentries.

That got their attention, and everyone except the cloaked figure and the two by the table started rushing to take up cover. They were also cut down from afar, but what caught Sabe off guard was the cloaked figure activated a light blue lightsaber and cut down their hosts. Whoever this was, it warranted further investigation, so Sabe crawled back from her perch and made her way down to the encampment. On the way down, she removed the scope, foregrip and stock from her A280, tucking them into her pack.

Stepping up to the encampment, the cloaked figure turned to face her, flipping the cowl of his hood down with his off-hand, still holding a lightsaber. Sabe kept her A280 pistol at the ready as she approached, but she recognized the face looking at her, Mactire.

“Do you wish to explain why you blew my operation, soldier?” Mactire asked with a scowl.

“Was it Operation Get Chummy With The Bad Guys? Because if it was, you have a lot to explain. And not to me,” Sabe replied, not approaching any closer.

“Walk away, call in the mission as complete. My presence here is none of your concern,” Mactire turned away, walking up to the table.

“No no no, it very much so is a concern. So either answer my kriffing question, or you can join the body count,” Sabe brought up her pistol, leveling the sights on Mactire’s back.

“You’re bluffing. And you’re nowhere near able to take out someone of my power,” Mactire scoffed.

“...poor choice of words,” Sabe pulled the trigger twice, the whine of the blaster echoing in the valley and ring of wrecks. Mactire spun around effortlessly and the two bolts smacked into the hull of the ship behind him, adding more scorches to the battle worn hull. He reached out with the Force, his off hand guiding the way, and hurled a small container towards Sabe. The commando quickly swung around the corner of the hull next to her, getting behind cover as the container flew past her.

“Just remember that you brought this on yourself,” Mactire called out.

“Yeah, whatever helps ya sleep at night, ya kriffer,” Sabe replied, a slow drawl slipping into her speech.

Qyreia Arronen, 10 March, 2017 12:01 AM UTC

Syntax

[...]proverbially drawn the equally proverbial short straw.

This is a case of repetition. “Proverbial,” and thus the sentence, could be reduced to “had drawn the proverbial short straw.

[...]she recognized the face looking at her, Mactire.

The comma here should be a colon.

Story

Was it Operation Get Chummy With The Bad Guys?

I’m not marking this as a detractor, but this seems like a rather odd introduction given that Mactire just helped slaughter the entire encampment. Be mindful of this kind of thing, since it seems inserted for tropish melodramatics.

Realism

Though the inhabitants of the camp couldn’t hear the shots coming, and the bolts themselves did not stand out against the environment[...]

Since you have already indicated that Sabe is firing from a higher vantage, unless the sky is energy-bolt red (which it isn’t), this is a fallacy. Likewise, as there is no indication (CS/Loadout) that your weapon is silenced, the sentries would hear it. Minor detractor.

They were also cut down from afar, but what caught Sabe off guard was the cloaked figure activated a light blue lightsaber and cut down their hosts.

While Sabe and Mactire might be decent at their particular roles, ripping through a mercenary camp without any return fire or a noteworthy fight is ridiculous. Just because they’re NPCs doesn’t mean you can ignore their potential skillsets. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

There was a fair amount right with this post. Syntax only had a small handful of issues, as did realism. However, the issues with realism were on a level that detracted heavily from the reading experience. The story itself was understandable — Sabe is on a recon mission, runs into Mactire by accident. What isn’t very well elaborated on is the reason that Sabe decides to just shoot Mactire, or why she decided to take on an entire enemy camp singlehanded on a recon mission (which you were marked for in the realism section).

Mactire growled having missed Sabe with the container. As looked around two more quick shots were taken at him. As the blaster bolts came towards him, the Shadow leapt into the air spinning avoiding them with grace.

“Come on soldier you can do better than that.” Mactire said mockingly.

“Oh? Still teasing me? You will answer for what you’re doing here.” Sabe stated with confidence resonating in her voice.

A rapid fire of blaster bolts descended on the Mystic from where Sabe was hiding. As each bolt came closer and closer to hitting him, Mactire deflected the bolts with his lightsaber, trying for an off chance that one might end up back at the point of origin.

The soldier had ruined his operation on trying to get information on some ancient relics that were taken from the area. Now he was in a fight for his life. This always seemed to happen to him.

A stray bolt hit him in his right shoulder, knocking him down. As he hit the ground he looked towards where Sabe was. She stood up smirking.

“Got you now, you traitor.” There was a trace of acid in her voice as she leveled her rifle at him.

As she slowly squeezed the trigger, Mactire rolled backwards towards a table that was knocked over for cover.

As blaster fire surrounded him Mactire stood up slowly breathing, focusing on everything, erected a barrier around him with the aid of the Force. As long as he kept his mind clear and focused he could hold out a little while longer. But that was proving difficult.

His shoulder was aching and Sabe was being relentless in her attack. When Mactire looked at her she was grinning in satisfaction.

“Oh is the big bad Jedi afraid of a little blaster fire? Don’t ever underestimate a soldier you kriffen nerf herder.” There was malice in her voice as she kept pulling the trigger in rapid succession.

As Mactire’s concentration slowly started to wane, so did parts of his barrier. Now was his time to strike.

Pushing himself to walk forward he made his way towards Sabe. The look of shock across her face was apparent as she tried to fire more shots faster towards him. Though to no avail, the shots kept being absorbed by the barrier. Mactire knew that his next trick would have to be quick if it was to pull off any chance of keeping him alive a little while longer.

“Come on now! Just die!” Sabe shouted at the top of her lungs as Mactire got a few feet closer.

As she growled in frustration at Mactire, he smirked lightly. “Welcome to the Rancor nest you little brat.” Mactire muttered with amusement.

Sabe looked at him slightly cocking her right eyebrow to the side, as he dropped the Barrier, and also dropped towards the ground sending both of his palms to the ground. With a loud yell he focused on the Force again, though he was drained he needed one last push. One last attack to hopefully turn the battle.

With all his energy he focused on a telekinetic wave that knocked Sabe a few yards backwards and onto her back.

Taking this opportunity Mactire charged, closing the distance. Keeping the fight in close range. He struck with a hard side kick to her upper right ribs, as she tried to stand up, knocking the wind out of her. Causing her to choke and gasp for air.

“Never underestimate a Jedi. And never ever underestimate me.” Mactire growled looking intently at Sabe.

Qyreia Arronen, 10 March, 2017 1:30 AM UTC

Syntax

As looked around two more quick shots were taken at him.

Assuming you meant “As he looked[…]” in this sentence.

[...]the Shadow leapt into the air spinning avoiding them with grace.

In this case, there should be a comma after “spinning.”

[...]You will answer for what you’re doing here.” Sabe stated with confidence resonating in her voice.

Since you continued the sentence in your transition from dialogue to narration, the period should be a comma. This is repeated several times throughout the post.

Welcome to the Rancor nest you little brat.

“Rancor” is not a proper noun and thus shouldn’t be capitalized. On a side note: Sabe is both bigger and older than Mactire; “little brat” seems rather out of place.

Sabe looked at him slightly cocking her right eyebrow to the side, as he dropped the Barrier, and also dropped towards the ground sending both of his palms to the ground.

First, delete both of the existing and erroneous commas, then place one after the first instance of “ground.” Then find a synonym for “ground” so that you don’t repeat it in a single sentence.

Keeping the fight in close range.

This sentence makes no grammatical sense. It could function if it were combined with either sentence before or after, but not alone.

Causing her to choke and gasp for air.

Second verse, same as the first.

Story

I don’t have an exact quote for your scoring here, but it is worth noting that there really isn’t much of any story here; just combat. Even then, the combat is fairly bland and the setting offers little to no impact save for a random piece of cover here or a TK projectile there. Give the audience more than just fighting and insult-throwing.

Realism

As the blaster bolts came towards him, the Shadow leapt into the air spinning avoiding them with grace.

You have Athletics +2, which gives you a fair level of maneuverability. Without Amplification though (which you didn’t write in), such an artful display would not fall under your capabilities. Minor detractor.

As she slowly squeezed the trigger, Mactire rolled backwards towards a table that was knocked over for cover.

Mactire’s Primary Lightsaber Form, Juyo, is incredibly aggressive. Yet up to this point, the only aggressive action by the Force user is throwing a crate telekinetically. While it might be argued that this is, per the wiki, “shielding himself in anticipation of the right opening,” he has hardly taken any precaution to actually defend himself save for some haphazard lightsaber flourishes and hopping behind a table. Minor detractor.

As blaster fire surrounded him Mactire stood up slowly breathing, focusing on everything, erected a barrier around him with the aid of the Force.

Per the wiki, Mactire would need several seconds of concentration to activate the barrier. So, surrounded by incoming projectiles, he stands up while he’s still forming the barrier? If not for this being your post, Mactire would have been blasticated Swiss cheese, and for several seconds at that. Minor detractor.

As Mactire’s concentration slowly started to wane, so did parts of his barrier.

What is breaking his concentration (aside from maybe Sabe’s sad excuse for insults)? Bear in mind that concentration isn’t a stamina bar in an RPG. You have actual stamina for that in the CS system called Endurance. Also, as the wiki describes it, the barrier doesn’t chip away — it is all there or the whole thing breaks apart. Minor detractor for the lot of it.

Pushing himself to walk forward he made his way towards Sabe.

This is not a detractor, but it will be in the future. Barrier is intended as a stationary power, but the wording on the CS and wiki don’t (currently) reflect this. Keep this in mind in future matches.

Continuity

There was a trace of acid in her voice as she leveled her rifle at him.

Re-read the preceding post. Sabe had disassembled the rifle components so it was in its pistol configuration, thus it shouldn’t have been a rifle in this engagement.

Synopsis

The thing that stood out to me the most was that you clearly did not proof your post. If you did, find someone else to help you with it; if someone else proofed it, find a different proofer, because they did druk work on it. The notes in the story section explain themselves, and I recommend that you seriously consider what’s written there, as it makes a huge difference in post and match qualities. Realism suffered most from adherence to CS capabilities, so at least you weren’t breaking gravity. However, pay close attention to what each skill level actually represents.

Mactire stepped in, swaying from side to side before shifting his weight to execute another kick. Sabe brought up her arms in a cross guard to block the incoming kick, forcing her opponent to bring his foot back to regain his stance. Sabe took her chance then to strike, swinging her pistol wildly and catching Mactire across the face with the grip.

He stepped backwards, bringing a hand up to his face. Blood seeped down from a gash along where he was caught with the pistol’s grip, right along where his left eyebrow met with his temple. Sabe back pedaled, leveling her weapon on him as she put some distance between them.

“I’m going to give you one final chance to stand down and answer my question. Because even those above you are going to wonder why you were dealing with the people that looted Ragnos Cathedral,” Sabe said, her teeth half clenched as she tried to recover.

“I don’t answer to you, and I don’t need to explain my actions to you,” Mactire replied, igniting his lightsaber once more.

“You kriffing Sith. You’re all the same, treat us troops like we’re your cannon fodder while you go indulge in some stupid megalomaniacal plot. And when we do our jobs, you try to kill us off for calling you on your hypocrisy,” Sabe’s words held nothing but acid and hatred, and her gaze was giving turbolasers a run for their money in how badly they were boring into Mactire.

“I. Am. A. Jedi,” Mactire hissed out in reply.

“Keep tellin’ yourself that, ya karkin’ lunatic. Now drop the glowstick or you join the wrecks and corpses.”

Mactire let out a feral roar and charged at Sabe with speed that was inhuman, accelerated by the Force. His humming blue lightsaber arced up and then across Sabe’s torso, sending the commando reeling to the ashen ground under her in pain. Everything inside of her wanted to give up, everything but the spark within her that urged her to keep going. Clutching a pile of volcanic rock and ash in her right hand, she kept writhing in pain on the ground until Mactire got closer, raising his blade to execute a killing blow. Sabe hurled the contents within her hand into his face, causing him to step back once more.

She then drew her WESTAR-35, firing a single bolt into his left knee. The Mystic pitched backwards onto his back from the sudden loss of his left leg, dropping his lightsaber. Both of them lay on the ground, trying to cope with their respective pain. Sabe raised her right hand to her helmet.

“Blaze Actual to Command. Requesting emergency evac on my position. Repeat, Blaze Actual, requesting emergency evac on my position. How copy?” Sabe said into her helmet mounted commlink.

“Affirmative, Blaze. Inbound now. Interrogative; have you seen one of the Clan’s Force Users? Comms just got to us of an op being run by one of them here, requested if we’d extract him with you,” Her commander said on the other end. Sabe looked at her opponent.

“Confirmed. He’s right here. I’ll let him know of that, over,” Sabe replied.

“Hey. Lunatic. Your bosses want you to extract with me. And was it really so hard to say you were running a separate op? Idiot,” Sabe rolled her eyes.

“You should have just walked away. Would have saved us a lot of trouble,” Mactire replied.

“Keep trying to pin your poor decisions on me, and I will roll this concussion grenade over to your head. A failure on your part did not constitute poor judgement on mine. Take the time to take in this wonderful environment and contemplate not treating us Warhost troops like you’re better than us,” Sabe groaned as she slid flat on her back.

Within moments, a shuttle landed and Warhost troops were loading both of them on stretchers.

Qyreia Arronen, 10 March, 2017 2:23 AM UTC

Syntax

[...]you try to kill us off for calling you on your hypocrisy,”

The comma here should be a period, as the following narration is a separate sentence.

“Hey. Lunatic. Your bosses want you to extract with me. And was it really so hard to say you were running a separate op? Idiot,” Sabe rolled her eyes.

This line of dialogue should not have been separated from the preceding one, since it is still Baize talking.

Story

Because even those above you are going to wonder why you were dealing with the people that looted Ragnos Cathedral

He. Was. Killing. Them. Granted, this gives a “why” to the fight, but a poor one. Rather than offering anything to the story, it remains a repetitive talking point of circular rhetoric. By this point (two posts later), this is cliched.

Realism

Sabe took her chance then to strike, swinging her pistol wildly and catching Mactire across the face with the grip.

Ignoring that Sabe had just had her breath knocked out, the average human arm is shorter than the leg. Between Sabe’s grounded defensive posture and Mactire’s post-kick leg withdrawal, she wouldn’t be able to reach him with the muzzle of the pistol, much less the grip. If Sabe moved forward to do this, then you didn’t show it. Minor detractor.

Everything inside of her wanted to give up, everything but the spark within her that urged her to keep going.

The scene that follows this is pushing so many boundaries. Sabe at this point has been knocked down three times: TK, kick, and now a lightsaber wound. Lacking any description, it is difficult to gauge the severity of the wound, however it stands to reason that between her +2 Endurance and Mactire’s Juyo adherence, he would be attacking well before Baize could recover and effect her blinding tactic. Minor detractor.

She then drew her WESTAR-35, firing a single bolt into his left knee.

Between maneuvering her hands for the ashy feint, being in some sort of position on the ground, and not having the I Bet You Have Feat which would have facilitated this quick-draw maneuver, it is highly suspect that Sabe would be able to pull off this maneuver, if safely. Minor detractor.

Synopsis

Failing to describe the scene doesn’t absolve you from your realism errors. As with your first post, that was your biggest problem area, and it had more to do with general capacity than it had to do with CSs, though that did factor into the remarks. You managed to keep syntax errors to a minimum at least, however: while the story was passable in relaying the action, there was little more to the post than that. Action and petulant-child dialogue from both characters.

The glare of fire and rage coming from Sabe’s eyes was enough to make Mactire feel a little worried.

Growling low and deeply she leapt towards Mactire. “I’m gonna kill you, and bring your head to the counsell!”. Her voice rang out.

Her right fist connected with the Mystics jaw, forcing him to slightly stagger back at the surprise of the attack.

The soldier kept both her fists up slightly ready to strike again. This time as her left fist came flying towards him, Mactire blocked it with his foot, pushing it to the side. Then taking his left palm, striking her across the face. He smirked lightly as she staggered at the force he put behind it.

The Soldier spit slightly as blood slowly dripped from her mouth. “Oh now you’re dead.” she slowly put her hands behind her back, pulling out two blaster pistols.

“Shit.” the Mystic breathed slowly quickly running to the right side of the area heading for cover as fast as possible.

“Not this time!” Sabe bellowed as she fired both pistols in perfect harmony. One smoothly after the other. Each round was at best a few millimeters apart from each other.

Mactire grabbed one of the fallen bodies and tossed it in the way of the blaster bolts. As the body cover him for that instance he quickly started running towards the open door of the ancient crashed ship.

The Mystic barely made it in the doorway and behind cover before the next volley of rounds came his way, as Sabe laughed maniacally. “Oh what’s the matter? Is the poor little Jedi scared of a me?” She questioned mockingly.

Mactires breathing was heavy as he leaned against the bulkhead. Many thoughts were running through his head. He gripped his lightsaber tightly.

The Mystic slowly stepped out of the doorway and smirked lightly. “Nope, just trying to get some breathing room. You're more troublesome than Krath hound with a bone.” Mactire mocked, while bringing his lightsaber to life.

“Krath hound jokes really? No imagination.” Sabe mumbles sarcastically while aiming down the barrels of her pistols.

Mactire ignited his saber as another volley of blaster bolts, thundered towards him. This time he was late to ignite his saber. A random bolt hit it at the focusing lense and caused it to shot out, and lose power.

“Shit.” Mactire mumbled then looked towards Sabe as she was laughing.

Giving into his rage slightly, the Mystic threw the now dead lightsaber with full force towards Sabe. She shot it out of the air, but failed to see Mactire quickly move to the left flank and come charging towards her.

As she tried to turn towards the Mystic, Mactire rolled on the ground. Placing his right hand firmly on the ground as he got a good length close to Sabe. He rose up quickly and landed a solid kick into her chin, knocking her back and stunning her.

As she stumbled back, Mactire stood up, and kicked several times with his left leg into her stomach with quick succession.

The Mystic growled deeply, and stopped when the Soldier collapsed to the ground gasping for breath holding her chest.

“Serves you right.” Macitre said, while turning away slowly.

As the Mystic started to leave he stopped. Looking at Sabe as her breaths became shorter he sighed heavily. He walked over to her and placed his left hand lightly on her right shoulder.

“Hold still and relax. This will hurt but you’ll live. I’m not going to let you die here. But you owe me Sabe.” Mactire grumbled as he slowly placed his right hand on her chest.

She looked at him in horror, while he closed his eyes slowly calling upon the Force. He was tired, sore, and he just wanted to rest, but refused to. While her breathing slowly started to become normal and more stable, he started to focus on healing her internal injuries first, the most severe ones. The minor ones he would leave for her to deal with. Healing always took a lot out of him. But he had to keep every member of the Clan alive no matter what the price. He just had to.

Qyreia Arronen, 10 March, 2017 3:02 AM UTC

Syntax

“I’m gonna kill you, and bring your head to the counsell!”. Her voice rang out.

I can’t even at this point. Remove the comma, spell “council” or “Consul” properly, remove the period after the quotation mark, and don’t capitalize the narration if you’re continuing the sentence from the quote. That’s four — count them, four — errors in (what should be) one sentence.

Her right fist connected with the Mystics jaw[...]

Mystic’s, with an apostrophe.

This time as her left fist came flying towards him, Mactire blocked it with his foot, pushing it to the side. Then taking his left palm, striking her across the face. He smirked lightly as she staggered at the force he put behind it.

Save for the first sentence (which I did not include), this whole paragraph is a mess of inappropriate comma/period usage, and is indicative of the remainder of the post’s punctuation and sentence structure quality.

The Soldier spit slightly[...]

“Soldier” is not a proper noun and thus shouldn’t be capitalized except as the starting word of a sentence.

You're more troublesome than Krath hound with a bone.

Dunno what a Krath hound is. I do know what a kath hound is though.

Story

As she tried to turn towards the Mystic, Mactire rolled on the ground. Placing his right hand firmly on the ground as he got a good length close to Sabe. He rose up quickly and landed a solid kick into her chin, knocking her back and stunning her.

In terms of description, syntax quality aside, this is a fairly good description of your K’thri martial art and ability.

Realism

“Shit.”

I would like to reference you to all of the Star Wars profanity that we have, none of which includes “shit.” Druk and Sithspit are acceptable equivalents; crap falls outside of what constitutes profanity and is also generally accepted. Minor detractor.

“Not this time!” Sabe bellowed as she fired both pistols in perfect harmony. One smoothly after the other. Each round was at best a few millimeters apart from each other.

There’s a Feat and a Skill for that. Dual wielding, ambidextrous, call it what you will. Sabe doesn’t have it and wouldn’t be able to pull off this display. Minor detractor.

Mactire grabbed one of the fallen bodies and tossed it in the way of the blaster bolts.

With rounds already flying, Mactire wouldn’t have enough time or speed to grab a body and throw it in the way before either A) the projectiles missed outright, or they B) hit him. Minor detractor.

Continuity

she slowly put her hands behind her back, pulling out two blaster pistols.

Realism issues aside (i.e. why would she do this slowly?), Sabe had her A280 CFE pistol in-hand up until this point.

Synopsis

Rather than beat a dead horse on syntax, I left only a few comments compared to what I did for your first post. Know this though: there were just as many if not more syntax errors in your second post than in the first. The story was much the same as your first: combat and dialogue with nothing else to offer save for a somewhat sappy ending.