Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar vs. Battlemaster Armad

Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Sentinel
vs.

Battlemaster Armad

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Umbaran, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
Comment

Well, this was certainly a different take on a fight. It was rather stunning...this is the part where I look at you with a stupid grin and wait for the pun to land. Laugh, dammit!

Anyhow, this was an interesting approach. There was definitely an effort on both sides of the fence to instill life in the venue and make this an interesting engagement. The biggest misplay though would have to be the stun bolt in the second post. You both struggled to properly handle the story flow after that point, more to the detriment of one post over the other.

There were strengths here. Sang did a great job describing and painting the picture. Armad has a clear idea of what he wants to do and, once comfortable with the execution. There were some minor realism issues, but nothing to write home about. I look forward to solid growth from you both. Custom Aspects will help truly drive the nature of your characters home, though, so you may want to consider those to make sure that those don't come up as points of Realism in the future.

With the score tallied, Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar wins.

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition The Harrowing
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar, Battlemaster Armad
Winner Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Armad's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 27 May, 2017 12:20 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Armad
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Issues throughout, please refer to the comments. Rationale: Issues throughout, please refer to the comments.
Story - 40%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Armad
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You should have, by all rights, attained a 4 in this category for the breath of life you gave the characters and the venue. However, the complete lack of any actual conflict in your final post held you back. (an argument can be made for the little grenade trick, so it's not outright lacking anything) Rationale: Your posts were well structured but didn't have much in the way of bite to them. The characters lacked depth and there wasn't much in the way of a hook. The blueprint is there, just a matter of comfort getting it where it can be!
Realism - 25%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Armad
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Refer to the post comments. Minor issue. Rationale: A couple issues. Refer to the post comments.
Continuity - 20%
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar Armad
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted by the judge. Rationale: None that were noted by the judge.
Professor Sanguinius Tsucyra Entar's Score: 3.65 Armad's Score: 3.4
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Streets

The Vertical City, Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. From a vantage point on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel offers a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Simple shops and merchants peddle both legitimate and illegitimate wares. Storefronts are just as plentiful as open-market pop-up tents, and the cantina's adapt the same lowlife air as the rest of the Smuggler's Moon. Enemies could be hidden in plain sight, whether one of the Hutts’ gangsters or mercenaries-for-hire looking to earn some credits. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for one gifted in the Force.

The bright lights illuminating the bustling streets of Nar Shaddaa were an annoyance to the Umbaran making his way through the crowds. The general hubbub of the populace was interspersed with the raised voices of vendors hawking their wares.

Armad recoiled slightly from the poignant stench of a passerby who smelled like they hadn’t washed in days. The Sadowan found himself on this wretched moon simply because his target wanted some time away from the ‘hustle and bustle’ of life on Sepros. Why on earth they came here was beyond the Battlemaster’s understanding, yet that didn’t stop Armad from muttering a few choice words under his breath about the general intelligence of his target.

The Umbaran had spent the last couple of days tracking his target, speaking to several individuals of varying dubiousness. The last one, a Rodian by the name of Naweel had told him a person matching the target’s description had been seen frequenting a cantina of ill repute. The den of inequity was named The Piper’s Daughter. Obviously, it was a location picked for its relative safety. Someone wouldn’t go charging in guns blazing, because they’d have several angry customers firing back.

This would require some delicacy and tact. Armad came to a brief stop and looked up at the signage advertising the entrance to the sordid cantina. The sign pulsated, making the Umbaran rub his eyes in an effort to stop the afterimage in his sight. The Sadowan redirected his attention to the building housing The Piper’s Daughter, noting the alleyway that would possibly have an entrance into the cantina that could be utilised by his target to escape.

Armad smiled, and began to push his way through the crowd towards the alleyway. He had decided to scope it out first before heading into the cantina. The alleyway was filthy, rubbish scattered across the floor while the walls were decorated with several faded posters advertising the girls that could be found inside.

Kicking a crumpled box out of his way, the Techweaver stepped over some discarded needles. It was clear that the alleyway had been used as a place to shoot up in the past. Movement in Armad’s periphery drew his attention to a hooded beggar sat huddled up against the wall, partially hidden behind a mound of rubbish. The Umbaran continued forward, ignoring the pleas of the beggar for spare credits. Armad smiled thinly as he neared the door and went to test the handle to see if it was locked, before pausing.

There...a faint tug in the Force, something hidden, seeking to avoid his attention. Armad cleared his mind and focussed, the faint presence slowly became brighter. It was close, too close. The Battlemaster spoke.

“Hello, Sanguinius,” Armad smiled. “I’m here to bring you back to Sepros.”

The comment elicited a chuckle from the beggar sat on the ground in the alleyway. “Strange to see you outside of your workshop, Armad,” The beggar stood up and removed his hood, “I’m surprised you didn’t know it was me when you first arrived.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to hide in plain sight, but that’s beside the point. You’ll be returning with me.”

“Returning with you?” Sanguinius questioned.

“Your place is on Sepros. The Consul is a figurehead all must be able to see, especially after you issued the call for the Sword of Sadow.” Armad replied in a monotone voice.

“I’m afraid that it won’t be quite so easy.” Sang replied, a wry smile upon his lips.

“We’ll see.”

The blaster was out of his holster and firing in milliseconds, as Armad unleashed several stun bolts at the Augur. Sanguinius dived out of the way, rolling through the garbage and covering his already disgusting disguise in more waste. The sound of the blaster caught the attention of the crowd passing the alleyway, causing them to flee. It wasn’t out of fear that they did so, but out of common sense. The seedy area had many such occurrences and they were used to things like this.

“Well, that wasn’t so friendly.” Sanguinius quipped as he pushed himself up from his forward roll. His clothes were soaked in what could only be described as a mixture of piss, spilt drinks and rotting waste. He sniffed and waved his hand in front of his face. “God, I stink.”

Sanguinius turned to Armad and gestured towards his clothing. “Do you mind?”

The Sadowan shrugged in response, “Go ahead.”

The Augur divulged himself of the disguise and threw it to one side. “Ahh, that’s much better.” Sanguinius now stood there in his usual garb and bowed slightly in thanks.

“Now comes the part where we fight?” Sang asked.

Armad’s response was to unleash several more blaster bolts, aiming to stun the uncooperative Consul.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Darth Renatus, 27 May, 2017 5:17 PM UTC

Syntax

The last one, a Rodian by the name of Naweel[,] had told him a person

The aside here needs to be completed by the second comma. Without it you've fragmented the structure.

Armad [smiled] and began to push his way

test the handle to see if it was [locked] before pausing.

This comma usage is unnecessary, fracturing the flow.

There...a faint tug in the Force[. Something] hidden, seeking to avoid his attention.

This should be broken into two sentences to better control the flow.

“Hello, Sanguinius[.”] Armad smiled.

It's easy to misstep and use verbs that aren't related to speaking when using "he said/she said" structure, but you don't "smile" words. That makes this an action and it is separate from the dialogue.

Armad[.”] The beggar stood up and removed his hood[.] “I’m surprised

Similar deal as above. This is an action and is separate from the dialogue.

so easy[,”] Sang replied

friendly[,”] Sanguinius quipped

Comma here, it's part of the same full sentence.

The blaster was out of his holster and firing in [milliseconds] as Armad unleashed several stun bolts at the Augur.

No comma here. It creates a fragment. "as" isn't the proper word to follow a comma.


Realism

Why on earth they came here was beyond the Battlemaster’s understanding

This is a very minor Realism tick, but it's similar to not allowing real life slang or curse words. "Why on earth" wouldn't be a saying in this fictional world, so the narrative voice shouldn't be using it either.

The Umbaran continued forward, ignoring the pleas of the beggar for spare credits.

Be careful with this kind of stuff. Sanguinius has +0 Subterfuge so this could easily become a misstep, especially if anyone plied a little more than a passing glance.

Sang rolled back the direction he had come, though this time making sure that he jumped over the pile of garbage that had caused his beggar clothes to smell. Coming up, the Consul pulled one of his newly acquired blasters and fired a shot at the Umbaran, watching as a lethal bolt lanced towards his clansman.

Armad foresaw the shot and easily spun out of the way, but he was surprised that the shot was not a stun bolt. Stopping his barrage of stun bolts, Armad looked behind him to the hole in the building wall, then back to his Consul, his eyes narrowing as anger toward the human grew. To his credit Sang didn’t let his face betray any surprise or remorse for firing, but he at least did not continue shooting.

“Yeah, let me fix that.” Sang joked as he started messing with the settings on the drawn blaster before doing the same to the holstered one. By now a couple of onlooking pedestrians were starting to gather at the mouth of the alley, most likely out of curiosity on who won the gunfight that had seemingly stopped. Most just kept moving when they saw that no one was either dead or incapacitated. Armad took those next few moments while Sang was fixing his weapons to try and figure out why he was stubbornly refusing to go back peacefully. Also to try and come up with a plan to gain the upper hand and “convince” him to return.

“Ok, now where were we?” Sang stated as holstered one of his blasters and squared off with the Techweaver. Both Sadowans stared at the other, each waiting to counter what the other did next.

Armad had kept his blaster pointed at the Consul the whole time that Sang had been fixing his settings, now raised his left hand toward Sang focusing the Force there with the intent on using it against him somehow. Armad knew that Sang could feel him building up the Force, and he saw Sang quickly glance toward the mouth of the alley at the onlookers that had gathered. He knew that Sang would do what he could to keep their presence unknown from the galaxy-at-large.

Frustration played across Sang’s face as he thrust his right hand up towards Armad, as he felt the Force that he had focused in his hand weaken and dissipate. Taking the momentary focus that Sang would have had to employ to use that ability, Armad quickly reached over with his right hand and pressed the release button for his fibercord whip launcher. The cord shot across the span between them and wrapped itself around Sang’s body and left arm, effectively immobilizing him from doing much else. Surprise had blossomed from Sang as he tried to struggle to get loose, when that failed he lowered his right hand to his holster intent on drawing his other blaster but had found that the cord had pinned his blaster in place.

Armad watched, with mild amusement, as Sang struggled against his bonds until he saw him flick his left hand up and toss that blaster in the air. He thought about letting him catch it and seeing what he could do one handed, but Armad was tired and wanted to get off this planet. All the flashing lights were giving him a headache. So Armad fired a stun bolt at his Consul and watched as both the blaster and the human dropped to the ground.

Armad dropped both his arms and sighed in defeat as he realized that he now had to carry Sang back to his ship without causing or drawing too much attention. Of course now he was wondering how long a Force user would stay stunned for before waking up and causing him problems.

"You are a pain in the ..."

Darth Renatus, 27 May, 2017 5:33 PM UTC

Syntax

the shot was not a stun bolt. Stopping his barrage of stun bolts

This is very repetitious in your use of "stun bolt". Can change it up or even drop it entirely from the second sentence.

To his credit[,] Sang didn’t let his face betray any surprise

Should be a comma here for proper formatting.

Sang stated as [he] holstered one of his blasters

Missing a word here.

Armad had kept his blaster pointed at the Consul the whole time that Sang had been fixing his settings, now raised his left hand toward Sang focusing the Force there with the intent on using it against him somehow.

This entire sentence reads awkwardly, mostly because of the comma and the word choice. It may work if you throw in a "now he raised his left hand" instead, but it still isn't the greatest structure.

Frustration played across Sang’s face as he thrust his right hand up towards Armad, as he felt the Force that he had focused in his hand weaken and dissipate.

Same as above. You're joining the portions awkwardly with the comma, relying on some joiner that just gets lost in translation. Drop "as" after the comma and it might work.


Story

Taking the momentary focus that Sang would have had to employ to use that ability

Think of this in terms of "show, don't tell". Why would you tell the reader that ability takes a momentary focus? Show it and have the action occur while Sang is focused. Don't read it off like a recipe for muffins.


Realism

Sang rolled back the direction he had come, though this time making sure that he jumped over the pile of garbage that had caused his beggar clothes to smell.

As hilarious as the mental image of Sang hopping like a fish while rolling is (Alethia agrees it's funny!) this isn't a realistic sequence. Sang would need to come back to his feet before he could jump.

Armad foresaw the shot and easily spun out of the way

Careful with this word choice. It's clearly Precog at play here, but the word choice can bring in confusion with Farsight. You get a warning in the Force with Precog, you don't actually see it coming.

Sang joked as he started messing with the settings on the drawn blaster before doing the same to the holstered one. [...] Armad took those next few moments while Sang was fixing his weapons to try and figure out why he was stubbornly refusing to go back peacefully.

This is the perfect opportunity to attack a distracted opponent. Give your aspects, which are "Executioner" and "Duelist", I don't see why Armad would just let Sang do this. Shoot him with a stun bolt!

Armad removed the whipcord from around Sang’s body, rolling the unconscious Augur over in order to do this. He let Sanguinius lie on the ground, waste soaking into the front of the Consul’s robes as Armad used his whipcord to tie his fallen opponent’s hands up behind him.

The Battlemaster muttered under his breath as he waited for Sanguinius to regain consciousness. Armad knew that it would take a few minutes, so he leaned back against the wall to watch the body lying on the floor. It would be much easier and quicker to transport the Consul by making Sang walk back to his ship, rather than carrying him.

The crowds in the streets that had thinned after the first few blaster shots had begun to return once the fight had ceased, instances like this being a common one on the streets of Nar Shaddaa.

Sanguinius groaned as he slowly regained consciousness. The stun bolt had overloaded his nervous system and his body was still rebelling against the shock to his system. The Augur lifted and shook his head in attempt to clear his nausea.

“You had to make things difficult, don’t you?” Armad spoke, lecturing his Consul.

Sanguinius chuckled, as he attempted to move his arms and failed, the whipcord tied around them preventing him from doing so. “You’re not angry with me, are you, Armad?”

Armad pushed himself off off the wall and walked over to where Sang lay on the floor. “I’m more confused than angry.”

Sang rolled over onto his side to look up at Armad. “Consider it a test.” The Consul was controlling the nausea he felt,

“A test?” Armad spluttered, “A fethin’ test?”

The Augur simply smiled in return as his fingers reached towards a pocket on the back of his utility belt. Sanguinius continued to speak, goading the Umbaran. “Yes, a test.”

Armad shook his head in annoyance and bent down to lift Sanguinius up off the floor. “Come on, I’m not interested in this rubbish.”

“Catch..”

“What?” The Umbaran asked.

A small cylindrical object flew up into the air, lifted by Sanguinius as he focused on the item, guiding its arch. Armad watched its ascent and suddenly realised what it was. The Sith let go of Sang’s arm and dived to the side as the grenade hurtled down towards him.

Sanguinius laughed as the grenade fell to the ground and lay there. The Augur hadn’t armed the smoke grenade before it had left his utility belt.

“Are you mad?!” Armad bellowed as he lay there sprawled in the detritus in the alleyway.

“Are you going to release me?” Sang replied, using the opportunity afforded to him to stand up off the ground.

The Umbaran shook his head, “I should have just stunned you and taken you back to the ship myself.”

“If you say so, Armad,” Sang grinned, “At least let us have a fair fight this time.”

The Battlemaster grimaced as he pushed himself up off the ground, waste covering his clothes. This whole escapade was a gigantic pain in the behind to the Sith and he really didn’t need this nonsense while he could be doing something better.

“You know what, Sang, feth this.” Armad pulled his blaster out of the holster and shot the grinning Consul with another stun bolt. Sanguinius collapsed to the floor as the bolt overloaded his nervous system.

“Bentre doesn’t pay me enough to put up with this nonsense, someone else can come and get you.”

The Battlemaster walked off, leaving Sanguinius lying there unconscious in the dirt.

Darth Renatus, 27 May, 2017 5:42 PM UTC

Syntax

The stun bolt had overloaded his nervous system and his body was still rebelling against the shock to his system.

Repetitious use of "system". Could drop "to his system" entirely.

The Augur lifted and shook his head in [an] attempt to clear his nausea.

Missing word here.

Sanguinius [chuckled] as he attempted to move his arms and failed

The comma was unnecessary here, breaking up the flow.

The Consul was controlling the nausea he felt[.]

A mischievous comma decided it was going to kidnap and replace the period that normally goes here.

“Catch[.]”

Not sure if you meant for an ellipsis or period here, but it is neither.

Sanguinius as he focused on the item, guiding its [arc].

An "arch" is a physical structure or shape, an "arc" is the mathematical line/curve.


Story

There really wasn't much in the way of conflict in this post. It's admirable what you tried to do with it, and interesting, but it couldn't be called a conflict.

Walking over to Sang’s unconscious body, Armad picked up his Consul’s blaster and admires the craftsmanship of it. He grimaced when he noticed a small scrape on the bottom of the grip from where it had hit the ground. He made a mental note to be as far away from Sang as he could when it was noticed...hopefully. Holstering the blaster on Sang’s waist, Armad pondered on how best to to get the incapacitated Consul back to his ship without raising suspicion.

He knew that just grabbing a foot and dragging him back to the ship would most likely garner the wrong type of people, so he settled on half carrying, half dragging him like someone who had had one too many to drink and needed help getting home. He had made it two blocks when he needed to stop and rest, he realized that he was woefully out of shape and needed to take a break before continuing on. He ended up doing this three more times and thirty minutes later, before he rounded a corner and came within sight of the spaceport.

When he saw the spaceport, he heaved a sigh of relief, then panic. As he felt the weight from Sang’s body come off his shoulder, as his body came around in front of him as a fist connected with his gut. From the force of that punch, all the wind had been knocked out of him, dropping him to his knees and holding his midsection. Armad had managed to catch his breath a bit to look up at Sang, who was leaning against the building wall to his right, trying to shake off the last of the effects of the stun bolt and working his right shoulder. When he saw that Armad was beginning to recover, he made a fist with his left hand and brought it down and across the right side of Armad’s face. Knocking him to the ground, and making Sang stumble a couple of steps forward from the amount of force he put behind it.

Having seen the punch coming, Armad was able to turn with the punch just enough that, while it did sting quite a bit, it didn’t knock him out as he was sure that Sang was aiming for. After hitting the ground Armad turned the motion into a kneeling roll, where he ended up drawing his blaster and firing another stun bolt at Sang.

Sang foresaw that there was an attack coming and managed to create a barrier of Force energy to absorb the stun bolt before it reached him. Before Armad for recover from the surprise of his stun bolt not reaching it’s target, Sang took a quick step forward and kneed Armad in the chest. This time knocking the wind out of him, as his eyes glazed over and he fell backward unconscious. By the time, Armad had come too, Sang was sitting on a crate nearby, holding the Umbaran’s blaster.

“I think I’ll hold on to this for the moment.” The Consul said, indicated by holding up the blaster. Standing up, Sang pulled Armad to his feet after offering a helpful hand.

Armad groaned as he straightened up. Reaching up, he worked his jaw from Sang’s punch, and eyed the man wondering if he was going to do anything else or cause more problems. The Consul just returned the stare, then turned and tossed the blaster over his shoulder to Armad.

“Here.” He said as he started walking toward the spaceport. Catching his blaster, flabbergasted Armad just stared after the human. Snapping himself out of confusion, Armad holstered his weapon and jogged to catch up.

“You’re still a pain in the…”

Darth Renatus, 27 May, 2017 6:08 PM UTC

Syntax

Armad picked up his Consul’s blaster and admires the craftsmanship of it.

Watch out for tense dancing. It's an easy trap.

He had made it two blocks when he needed to stop and rest[. He] realized that he was woefully out of shape and needed to take a break before continuing on.

Should be two separate sentences here rather than a comma. Two different subjects.

He ended up doing this three more times and thirty minutes later, before he rounded a corner and came within sight of the spaceport.

Would work better if restructured, here: "He ended up doing this three more times before, thirty minutes later, he rounded a corner and came within sight of the spaceport. The "spaceport" but is also a touch repetitious when you start the next paragraph with it as well.

As he felt the weight from Sang’s body come off his shoulder, as his body came around in front of him as a fist connected with his gut.

[...]

When he saw that Armad was beginning to recover, he made a fist with his left hand and brought it down and across the right side of Armad’s face. Knocking him to the ground, and making Sang stumble a couple of steps forward from the amount of force he put behind it.

Flow is all kinds of crazy here.

for the moment[,” the] Consul said,

“Here[,” he] said

Should be a comma in "he said/she said", part of the same sentence.