Seer Mune Cinteroph vs. Seer Xantros

Seer Mune Cinteroph

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Seer Xantros

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Duros, Force Disciple, Shadow, Consular
Comment

This was a pretty standard “friendly” duel between two clanmates. The fight was heated, not lethal, and you both included some great descriptions, interesting combat scenes and creative uses of the Force. However, the story suffers in regards to the purpose of this “test.” What is Xantros thinking as he waits for Mune? Why is Mune putting Xantros through this? What do they learn? How does it change them? There seems to be no consequence to this fight in either ending, which both result in the combatants sauntering away without any resolution. Action is great to read and fun to write, but is always more valuable as part of a larger plot. Readers care about action because of the consequences of action. Keep that in mind!

All things tallied, Mune is the clear winner! I advise both of you to employ extra proofers for these, especially when they become lengthy. I have often struggled with syntax errors in my own matches due to inadequate proofing, so don’t be like me. Thanks for writing, and I hope to see you both back in the halls!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Mune Cinteroph, Seer Xantros
Winner Seer Mune Cinteroph
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Mune Cinteroph's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Xantros's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kalsunor: Massassi Arena
Last Post 1 June, 2017 12:57 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Minister Cor-Hatha Vow
Syntax - 15%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Adept Xantros
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple syntax errors, including at least one unreadable passage. Refer to comments. Rationale: Multiple syntax errors, including at least one unreadable passage. Refer to comments.
Story - 40%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Adept Xantros
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Identified reason for combat, could use more development. Rationale: Identified reason for combat, could use more development. First post is very short, no action occurs.
Realism - 25%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Adept Xantros
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: One or two minor detractors, including minimized damage from a heavy attack. Refer to comments. Rationale: Multiple detractors, including the inflation of a power’s effects vs. opponent’s CS.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Adept Xantros
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found by the judge. Rationale: No errors found by the judge.
Adept Mune Cinteroph's Score: 3.65 Adept Xantros's Score: 3.0
Posts

Kalsunor Massassi Arena

Elevated over a ravine, the Massassi Arena has withstood the tests of time. It is arranged in a circular formation and made by a slab of stone that connects the opposite slopes of the ravine. On its eastern side, the floating arena leads to a staircase and into a near-vertical cliff face. Because of its nearly unsupported vantage that overlooks a several hundred-meter fall, even the smallest creatures can feel the occasional motion the platform makes as the breeze brushes across its cold surface.

Adding to the adrenaline rush of standing within the slab’s concentric patterns carved into the rock, barriers and obstacles echo the Massassi’s commitment to taking every advantage over their opponents. Pillars ring the outer edge without guard rails between them, some remaining intact and others having toppled into the arena or over the perilous heights. Weeds and other fauna cover each surface as nature seeks to reclaim the ravine and eventually send the arena itself to the depths.

A creaky rope-bridge leads away towards another ancient suspended platform with the same weathered, upturned stones. Mossy footing, and uneven ground make each of these platforms unique in small subtle ways. While there is no seating for formal spectators, the ancient stones of the Massassi Arena hold an omniscient, aged wisdom that speak to the things they have seen and the battles fought through history.

A third rope-bridge leads to yet another platform, completing the triad of battlegrounds that make up the Massassi Arena.

Xantros was sitting on one of the stone stairs next to one of three battleground that created the Massassi Arena on Kalsunor. He was waiting for Mune Cinteroph, the Rollmaster of Clan Scholae Palatinae, who insisted for some reasons unknown to the Duros on meeting there. The Seer utilized the time to familiarize with the surroundings as he had an impression that such knowledge would be quite useful.

It was an old circular and slightly unstable platform that was placed high above the river canyon. Plants were covering some parts of the arena, as the nature attempted to reclaim the stone for itself. Two rope-bridges led to other similar battlegrounds, though Xantros would not risk using the bridges, if it was not necessary.

Finally, he heard a sound of steps nearby and few seconds later he noticed Mune Cinteroph walking out from a small building in the western part of the battleground.

"Here you are at last," spoke Xantros. "What do you want from me? Why did you want to meet here?"

"When you spoke to the Emperor, you said that we will need your skills and powers to be successful in our quest to spread the heritage of the Empire all over the Galaxy," said Mune. "Recent destruction of the Cocytus system make us suspicious towards people from the outside of Scholae Palatinae."

"You should be aware that I have loyally served the Empire for a long time," replied the Duros. "Questioning my loyalty now, when you need me the most, is not a wise move."

"Possibly," agreed the Arcanist and nodded. "However, I am not here to test your loyalty. I am here to test your abilities that you are so proud of."

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 10 June, 2017 4:17 AM UTC

Syntax

This should read “and a few seconds later…”

“and few seconds later he noticed Mune Cinteroph walking out”

You have a past-tense verb placed in a sentence almost as if it were a noun. You might have tried:

"Possibly, agreed the Arcanist, nodding as he spoke.”

"Possibly," agreed the Arcanist and nodded.

Story

This post, overall, was very short, and while you led well by providing a reason for the battle (a test between Clanmates), you missed the opportunity to develop gravitas. You set the stage well for your opponent to pickup the story, but I do suggest expanding upon ideas even as straightforward as waiting. What is your character thinking about? Why does he suspect he's been called to such a location? He seems to anticipate something, as he takes the time to note his surroundings. Why did he do that? You can add dimension to your character - and to the story - by considering deeper context.

This line is grim, and I heard it as a deep rumble in my imagination. Simple dialogue, but I enjoyed it.

"Questioning my loyalty now, when you need me the most, is not a wise move."

The Duros appeared taken aback for but a moment before he schooled his expression to one of neutrality. He eyed the Hybrid from where he had waited already, for what he felt too long a time for a slight upon his character. Xantros frowned, “Test my abilities?”

A wind whipped through the ravine, the slight motion of the platform under their feet a warning of the hungering abyss below. The wind rustled their clothing and sent leaves skittering across the cold stone surface. They brushed across the feet of both men, Hybrid and Duros. The platform rocked ever so gently. They eyed each other from across the expanse of their chosen platform, each watching for the other’s first move.

Mune jerked sideways, a fist brushed the fabric of his cloak in passing. He grasped for the wrist of the Duros even as the illusion on the other side of the platform dissipated. Xantros was for a moment taken by surprise but was quick to sidestep and draw his wrist back out of the Hybrid’s reach. Reversing his motion, Mune brought an elbow strike crashing towards the side of Xantros’ skull.

The other Seer ducked under the blow. The Duros’ low strike at Mune’s side was nudged off its mark, catching naught but fabric. Xantros nimbly threw himself back in time to dodge the knee that would have taken him in the jaw.

“You are quick” Xantros remarked.

The Hybrid caught the Duros’ next blow, blocking with his left arm. Before Mune could punch him in the stomach, the Duros had withdrawn, so he was not expecting the air to explode from his lungs in that instant. Xantros wheezed out in surprise, the strike had not been expected. He noted quickly his opponent’s use of telekinesis.

Mune followed through with the attack. He charged forward, a strike aimed to take the Duros in the right hip. Xantros grunted, taking the blow. The Hybrid brought his knee crashing towards his opponent’s face. The other Seer, however, captured the leg. Off balance, Mune felt the platform tilt and he was thrown. He was fast but, it became obvious, very quickly that his opponent was by far the stronger. The cold stone rushed back to meet him, the impact driving all the air from his lungs. He rolled once, twice, thrice before with a grunt he struck a crumbling pillar.

Dusty, Mune rose back to his feet, an impish grin upon his face. “You are strong. Exceptional use of my momentum by the way.”

They stood as they had begun, distanced from one another and studious of the other’s form. They circled, one step at a time. Already, each had an idea of the way their opponent moved. Already, each had a bit more of an understanding of the other’s reactions, reflexes, strengths and weaknesses.

The Hybrid was already calculating, analyzing the data from their brief contact. He took another step in their slow, circular path. He was no dullard, and knew the opponent before him was what the Duros desired he see. His senses could not unravel the path Xantros chose to come at him by, and Mune was not about to lower his guard and let him through. He took another step before his foot halted, as realization dawned. “Suppression?” Time seemed to slow. The Hybrid saw the blaster fire only due to the Force. One of his two lightsabers was ignited within seconds and two consecutive blasts were deflected. Saved by his natural reflexes, and the Force.

Mune threw himself forward, tucked, and rolled. The next three shots fired missed entirely and the Duros found his quarry to have vanished behind cover.

”You are sneaky.” Mune spoke into the mind of his opponent.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 10 June, 2017 4:21 AM UTC

Syntax

This is a bit awkward, either you left out "and," or "brushed" was supposed to have been "brushing."

Mune jerked sideways, a fist brushed the fabric of his cloak in passing.

Watch for tiny syntax errors, like forgetting commas and periods. They interrupt the flow of reading.

“You are quick” Xantros remarked.

This is a sentence fragment. It sounds like the beginning of a larger description, but without connection to anything else is improper syntax.

Saved by his natural reflexes, and the Force.

Story

I like this sequence, which highlights the relative physical proficiencies of each combatant. Good use of the character sheets.

Mune followed through with the attack. He charged forward, a strike aimed to take the Duros in the right hip. Xantros grunted, taking the blow. The Hybrid brought his knee crashing towards his opponent’s face. The other Seer, however, captured the leg. Off balance, Mune felt the platform tilt and he was thrown. He was fast but, it became obvious, very quickly that his opponent was by far the stronger.

Realism

While Mune has the athletic abilities to avoid incapacitation from such a mighty throw, standing up grinning and talking is not realistic. He suffered a full body impact that knocked all air from his lungs. This doesn’t reflect the action as described.

The cold stone rushed back to meet him, the impact driving all the air from his lungs. He rolled once, twice, thrice before with a grunt he struck a crumbling pillar.

Dusty, Mune rose back to his feet, an impish grin upon his face. “You are strong. Exceptional use of my momentum by the way.”

"I am, but I have something more prepared for you," replied Xantros through the Force.

The Duros simply sat down on the ground and awaited for his opponent to come to him. He focused his mind and kept waiting. Uncertain what was going to happen, Mune Cinteroph walked out of his cover with the activated lightsaber in both of his hands. He suspiciously looked at Xantros and taunted him, "Stand up and fight like a man, blade to blade."

"There is no such need, Hybrid," spoke the Duros. "There are different, far more gentle ways to defeat an opponent."

With these words spoken, Xantros released a powerful illusion on his enemy. It brought the image of a twisted scientist, who had created Mune, and showed him beating the Hybrid. Mune started to tremble in fear, but he suddenly screamed in anger and run towards the other Seer with a battle cry. Xantros could sense uncontrolled anger of his opponent. Somehow, his attempt to fool his enemy resulted in the ourburst of rage and he had just a very short moment to react.

Xantros quickly stood up and activated his lightsaber exactly in the moment, when Mune attacked. He managed to block powerful strike in the very last moment. Luckily for him, he was a proficient proponent of Makashi Form that allowed him to survive the first few blows of his opponent despite the fact they they were extremely strong. He just hoped that Mune's rage would wear off soon and leave the Hybrid tired enough to make a mistake. The Duros was aware that what used to be a trial of his abilities turned into a deadly fight that might end up in death of one of the duellists.

Not willing to become the one, who would fall to the cold arms of death, Xantros used the energies of the Force to increase his own speed and strength. Thanks to that he equally often blocked and avoided strikes of his opponent. Duels like that hardly ever lasted longer than few minutes, so both Force users started to feel tired soon.

Still, it was Mune, who suffered from greater fatigue as his Force-fueled rage provided him extensive advantage over his enemy, but at a very high cost. When it wore off, he breathed heavily and stood in one place for a moment. Then, he looked at his opponent and said, "I am sorry, Xantros. I do not know what ignited my rage, I definitely did not want that to happen."

"I guess that I did it with the illusion that caused you make strong fear," replied the Duros.

"That would explain a lot," said the Hybrid and nodded.

"So, did I pass the test?" asked Xantros still keeping his activated lightsaber in his right hand.

"I guess so," confirmed Mune, deactivated both lightsabers and reached out his opponent with his right hand. "Peace?"

"Peace," said Xantros and both Seers left the battle arena.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 10 June, 2017 4:26 AM UTC

Syntax

The correct spelling is “outburst”

“his attempt to fool his enemy resulted in the ourburst of rage”

There is no need for a comma after the word “one,” here.

Not willing to become the one, who would fall to the cold arms of death, Xantros used the energies of the Force to increase his own speed and strength.

I understand what you were going for, but "caused you make strong fear" is not correctly worded. "The illusion that caused you fear" would have been simple and grammatically correct, for example.

"I guess that I did it with the illusion that caused you make strong fear," replied the Duros.

Story

No penalty for this, but I might debate that projecting images of cruelty and abuse are "gentle."

”There are different, far more gentle ways to defeat an opponent."

With these words spoken, Xantros released a powerful illusion on his enemy. It brought the image of a twisted scientist, who had created Mune, and showed him beating the Hybrid.

Why is he apologizing? Mune is a Dark Jedi on the Dark Path. Rage is a tool for battle which Dark Side adherents rely on. What would have caused such feelings of remorse?

Then, he looked at his opponent and said, "I am sorry, Xantros. I do not know what ignited my rage, I definitely did not want that to happen."

Realism

This doesn't seem to match Mune's sheet. Might isn't even a trained skill for Mune, while Xantros is at +2 (making him much stronger in comparison).

He managed to block powerful strike in the very last moment. Luckily for him, he was a proficient proponent of Makashi Form that allowed him to survive the first few blows of his opponent despite the fact they they were extremely strong.

Great idea. I don't often see Illusion used, so it's cool to see. However, illusions cannot induce terror on their own - that is the purview of the Terror power. So, it seems the idea was that Mune's past was haunting him in this instance (how do you know what that scientist looked like?), so the terror was psychological. In the context of a live battle, having just dodged blaster bolts, dealing with adrenaline and now stalking his opponent, it's hard to believe that Mune suddenly becomes so scared that he is physically trembling in fear. Pushing him to rage is actually fairly likely - but terror tremors are a bit much here. Mune's Perception - a skill which opposes Illusion - is at the same level of the attack. Mune would be a little more steadfast in this situation.

Mune started to tremble in fear, but he suddenly screamed in anger and run towards the other Seer with a battle cry. Xantros could sense uncontrolled anger of his opponent. Somehow, his attempt to fool his enemy resulted in the ourburst of rage and he had just a very short moment to react.

Mune had to admit, he had been quite impressed by the Duros’ suppression of his senses to hide his movements. He was less so impressed by his opponent’s use of a blaster rifle however. He hated firearms. Mune peered over the edge of his cover. He was already working on triangulating his opponent’s location by the direction the blaster fire had come from. He knew well, though, that his opponent had likely already moved.

“You should really learn how to use blasters, Mune.”

The Hybrid’s head snapped around. The Duro’s rifle was levelled upon him. He had concealed his location so completely, and shrouded himself well enough to have made it around behind the other Seer. The Force reacted to the younger man’s instincts, all he could grasp, driven into his reflexes. He jerked sideways just as the rubble at his back exploded into shrapnel. He pivoted on his right foot, the Force surged at his behest and he hd the shrapnel within that grasp of his mind. All at once, the sharp shards of rock whipped through the air, made lethal projectiles.

Xantros was forced to drop his blaster. He focussed on drawing the Force to bend to his will. The realization came when the first and third shards cut through his cloak to draw blood, that he could not bend the Force into a barrier quick enough to protect himself. Mune had acted too quickly. The older man felt the sting of another three cuts before he threw himself to the ground. The rest tore by overhead to be flung off the platform and released to the abyss.

“You probably should have did that to begin with…” Mune teased lightheartedly. “You know why I do not use blasters?”

“You don’t know any better…?” Xantros grumbled at him, rising slowly to his feet.

“They lack imagination.”

Mune ignited one of his ligthsabers, held in his right hand, a prompt for the Duros to do the same. So they stood once more, face to face. Blood ran from no less than five lacerations, Xantros noting the one in his left side was specifically uncomfortably deep. He noted too, Mune was breathing hard, the counter attack using such an intricate show of telekinesis had taken a toll, it would appear.

“I’ll admit, that attack was something.”

“Thank you, many years of practice using my abilities in unpredictable ways.”

“It must throw your opponents off.” Xantros continued.

“Don’t try lulling me with talk, mind games won’t work on me.” Mune play mocked.

The Duros chuckled a bit, circling, their eyes remained focussed on each other and only each other. The arena itself was a distant thing. The sound of the wind, the rustle of the leaves, the echos of water bubbling through the rivers of the canyon. It all evaporated in those moments, only the other existed. The Hybrid caught his breath slowly, the Duros managed to gain control of the aching pain of his multiple small wounds. The pain was still there, but, dulled through his concentration, his attention was all for the young man before him. Neither paid attention to the edge of the arena they had grown close to.

His breathing levelled, Mune drew short. Xantros had moved. Mune did not react. He instead turned sharply, he caught the cut intended for his right side upon his own lightsaber. The crackling hiss of the sabers resonated off the trees to either side of the suspended arena. Birds burst from the foliage at the savage racket of the two weapon. The illusion at Mune’s back unravelled, Xantros’ concentration instead turned to pressing his opponent’s saber back.

It was not difficult, the Duros was far stronger than his opponent. The Hybrid’s footing was forced to shift to accommodate and, Xantros could see the effort it took for Mune to maintain his block. Sweat beaded upon the part-Human’s brow. I have him, he could not help but think with a grin.

Mune struggled to maintain his position, his saber held in a block that he knew well he could not maintain for much longer. The ache of the effort was already beginning to pulse through his right shoulder.

“Give up. You’ve seen my abilities now.” Xantros growled.

“Yet you still think you are better.”

“You are the one about to lose, boy.” The Duros exclaimed.

“Lose? How can I lose when I never intended to win? This is a test.”

Xantros froze, confusion clear in his green skinned face. Realization dawned. The weight behind his saber faltered. It was enough. Mune disengaged his own saber, the blade retracting. He shifted his weight away at the same moment and the Duros tumbled forward, too surprised to retain his suddenly shifted balance.

Mune struck then, the Force wrapped tightly within a fist, a strike to his back that sent the Duros sprawling with his own momentum. He very nearly went tumbling over the edge of the arena when he was jerked suddenly back. Mune had him by the wrist, instinctively Xantros’ own hand gripped his fellow’s wrist and he was tugged back to safety. The fight was done, though Xantros was taken aback when Mune spoke again.

“Good fight. You won that one.” Mune announced softly.

“Wait… you…”

“Never happened. You won.” The Hybrid winked, “I’ll get our first round of drinks when we get back.”

Confused, Xantros followed the Hybrid off the field of battle.

Minister Cor-Hatha Vow, 10 June, 2017 4:29 AM UTC

Syntax

I’m not sure what this means. What were you going for here?

...the Force surged at his behest and he hd the shrapnel within that grasp of his mind.

The correct spelling is “focused.”

He focussed on drawing the Force to bend to his will.

Dialogue (including inner dialogue) needs to be formatted correctly. Personally, I prefer italics. It looks really nice and is a common choice among authors. It would look like this:

I have him, he could not help but think with a grin.

Story

I loved this description! Very vivid.

The arena itself was a distant thing. The sound of the wind, the rustle of the leaves, the echos of water bubbling through the rivers of the canyon. It all evaporated in those moments, only the other existed. The Hybrid caught his breath slowly, the Duros managed to gain control of the aching pain of his multiple small wounds.

Nice use of the sheets, here, emphasizing the attributes of each combatant. Very important to do!

It was not difficult, the Duros was far stronger than his opponent. The Hybrid’s footing was forced to shift to accommodate and, Xantros could see the effort it took for Mune to maintain his block. Sweat beaded upon the part-Human’s brow.

Is there no significance to the "test?" He wanted to test his abilities - but why? Isn't Mune bothered by Xantros' attempt to stoke his fears, projecting his deeply haunted past onto a battlefield meant for testing? Dark Jedi rely on emotions to reach their means, but it seems that Mune is simply content to go get a drink. Providing a resolution or teasing an ongoing conflict would have made the match more meaningful.

“Never happened. You won.” The Hybrid winked, “I’ll get our first round of drinks when we get back.”

Confused, Xantros followed the Hybrid off the field of battle.

Realism

Xantros is wearing armor with low-light camouflage, not a cloak. Be sure to refer to the CS for loadout questions.

The realization came when the first and third shards cut through his cloak to draw blood...