Mystic Levi Zetta vs. Seer Mune Cinteroph

Mystic Levi Zetta

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Seer Mune Cinteroph

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

I pointed out to both of you that there wasn't really any context for this fight. We don't know why either of them is in a cave on Hoth, we don't know why they're fighting, and until the end of the match we don't know if this is for blood or what. It wasn't a story, it was a fight scene. That said, that's fine. The ACC will always have a place for matches that are just about bashing each other's heads it. If that's what you guys want to do, we're delighted to have you do it here. Just remember that it does affect your Story score, so if you're really focused on winning the match, you'll want to keep that in mind.

You've both been to this rodeo several times, and your ACC experience has paid off. You both made good use of Force powers and skills and generally avoided Realism errors, though there were a few maneuvers that I don't think anyone could actually pull off in a fight. Nevertheless, you're both pretty strong competitors in that regard.

Make sure to get your matches proofread. Literally every writer makes stupid typos here and there or has the occasional wonky sentence. It's much better if your proofer finds them than if your judge does.

This was a nice, clean bout. Levi Zetta was the winner, but you both fought well. I look forward to seeing you guys kick butt in the ACC preliminaries.

Alethia Archenksova
ACC Judge

Hall Unconventional Hall - Ranked
Messages 5 out of 5
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Levi Zetta, Seer Mune Cinteroph
Winner Mystic Levi Zetta
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Levi Zetta's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Mune Cinteroph's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 19 June, 2017 12:10 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Syntax - 15%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Make sure to get your posts proofread to ensure you're not losing points on typos. Rationale: Mostly just the same error consistently repeated throughout, but there were a few other items. See the post comments.
Story - 40%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Kylex Sanguris
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: This was a fight scene. And that's fine! If that's what you guys want to write, go nuts. But adding even a little bit of context is the quickest, easiest way to increase how much your readers care about the outcome of the fight. Two guys who don't know each other beating each other up for a few minutes and then going home isn't super compelling on its own. Rationale: This was a fight scene. And that's fine! If that's what you guys want to write, go nuts. But adding even a little bit of context is the quickest, easiest way to increase how much your readers care about the outcome of the fight. Two guys who don't know each other beating each other up for a few minutes and then going home isn't super compelling on its own.
Realism - 25%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Kylex Sanguris
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Your fight sequences had a few actions that don't seem like they would work physically. Otherwise, good use of aspects and Force powers. Rationale: The hand-to-hand was a bit dodgy, but otherwise pretty good work.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Kylex Sanguris
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I saw. Rationale: No errors that I saw.
Adept Mune Cinteroph's Score: 3.65 Kylex Sanguris's Score: 4.05
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Drip… drip… drip…

The cloaked figure walked silently through the cave, the sound of water drops his only company. Stalactites and stalagmites both, silent sentinels in the eerie blue glow, bore witness to his presence. He strode deeper, hearing the seconds in every water droplet as he delved deeper into the crystalline depths of Hoth. He walked for a quarter of an hour before he slowed and turned to face the way he had come.

Drip… drip… drip…

The seconds continued to drip by, one after the other. The howling of the wind was a distant thing, and only a soft breeze reached him, as deep as he had come to find himself below the surface of so much ice and snow. Vulpine-like ears perked atop his head. His opponent stepped into view, illuminated by the dull, lichen emitted light. Mune eyed the Human-Kiffar hybrid. Admittedly, he knew little of the young man before him, having freshly come to the clan, Mune hadn’t had the opportunity to make his acquaintance.

Drip… drip… drip…

Neither spoke, both observed.

The blindfold caught Mune’s eye. He reflected and analyzed the other man’s movements upon his approach, and could only assume the blindfold was not necessarily indicative of blindness. He aimed to test his theory however, in that regard, rather than progress on the assumption.

Mune drew his weapons first. The cold hiss of steel echoed around them, the Hybrid unsheathing both of his vibroswords. He gave them a spin, whispering their promise of violence upon the chill air before he dropped into a stance reminisce of his Jar’Kai saber stance. He watched his opponent remove the electro-staff slung across his back and ready himself. There needn’t have been words between them, both knew well their purpose in the Ice Caves.

The seconds counted by in the drips of water from the stalactites.

Mune made to make his move. Like molasses, the air felt upon his limbs, the Force drawn upon to slow his body before he had realized his opponent had taken action. Levi was nearly upon him, his staff a blur aimed to take the other Hybrid in a hard swing at his right hip. Mune waited, head bowed, until his opponent had nearly come upon him and met his mark. Muscles tensed, a feral grin upon his lips, Mune jerked free in one sharp motion. The power brought to bare upon him by the Marauder nullified all at once, would have caught Levi by surprise had he had time to be surprised. The pummel of Mune’s sword drove up and into Levi’s solar plexus.

Levi felt the air explode from him in a violent whoosh, his staff strike falling short. He brought his weapon up barely quick enough to catch the second blade in a clash of metal. He swallowed deep gouts of air, facing down his rollmaster. It was a mistake, he thought, to not have thought the other Hybrid may have had his own tricks up his sleeves.

Mune was already calculating, an adjustment to his stance and he brought his second sword around in a wide arcing slash. Levi blocked, the ring of metal against metal resonant in their ears. Was he sensing the inbound attacks? Mune adjusted again, he dropped his right hip and brought the right sword up in an upwards, vertical cut. Levi sidestepped and brought his own weapon, the crackling electro-staff around in a blow aimed at the Seer’s back. Mune dropped to his knees, the brush of the passing weapon felt so close to his ears.

Levi skillfully and quickly redirected his blow and brought the staff crashing down towards his opponent before he could right himself. The crack and crunch of ice sounded off the walls around them. Mune had only just managed to push himself up and somersaulted free of the attack. Cracked ice from the blow left in the wake of the attack.

It could have easily have been his head, Mune thought, regaining his feet. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Levi Zetta.” Mune grinned.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 June, 2017 7:22 PM UTC

Syntax

Not a detractor, but you can just say 'vulpine.'

Vulpine-like ears perked atop his head.

You've got two bits that could stand on their own as independent clauses, so a comma isn't beefy enough. I put in a semicolon, but you could also just make this two sentences.

Admittedly, he knew little of the young man before him[;] having freshly come to the clan, Mune hadn’t had the opportunity to make his acquaintance.

I'm not going to treat this as a detractor because it's the venue name, but you don't need to capitalize this.

There needn’t have been words between them, both knew well their purpose in the [i]ce [c]aves.

This was a bit awkwardly phrased. Maybe: "The air felt like molasses upon his limbs; he realized that his opponent had drawn upon the Force to slow his body.

Like molasses, the air felt upon his limbs, the Force drawn upon to slow his body before he had realized his opponent had taken action.

Story

You didn't establish what Levi was doing here, why Mune went after him, or why they're fighting in the first place. You guys had a pretty good fight, but that's all it is - a fight scene. That's ok, but it's going to be really tough to build up a good Story score if you haven't show your reader why they should care who wins and who loses.

Realism

Physically, I don't think this works. The way this is written, Levi's already swinging. Hitting him in the chest will stagger him and sap the power from the swing, but the momentum of the staff means it'll still smack Mune. Probably not with the shocky part - Mune's going to be too close in - but it would still knock into him.

The power brought to bare upon him by the Marauder nullified all at once, would have caught Levi by surprise had he had time to be surprised. The pummel of Mune’s sword drove up and into Levi’s solar plexus.

Again, swings have momentum and it's not easy to just redirect them in a perpendicular direction, and even if you can manage it, the blow won't have much power behind it.

Levi skillfully and quickly redirected his blow and brought the staff crashing down towards his opponent before he could right himself.

The blow is coming straight down at Mune, and he jumps? Even if he's move backward very quickly, the staff should still catch him in the gut or at least the leg.

Mune had only just managed to push himself up and somersaulted free of the attack.

The cold cave echoed with the sounds of battle, each clang and clash of metal reverberating throughout the entire system. The small patch of ice that Levi struck began to melt, giving way too the crackling electro-staff. Small sparks of purple electricity shot from its lower emitter, providing a small amount of illumination too his Rollmaster.

“It's my honor, Mune Cinteroph.” Levi whispered, his voice traveling on the frozen wind. The Kiffar half breed raised his Electrostaff, holding it directly in the centre.

Drip… Drip… Drip…

The tension in the air was thick, and heavy. Both seasoned warriors faced each other down, waiting for the other to make their first move. Levi’s left foot turned to face the Dark Jedi, and with a leap, he brought the electrostaff down. Quick to action, Mune brought both of his blades up, catching the weapon.

CLANG

Steel met steel as Levi pressed his weight down on the swords. Mune smiled, putting his right foot behind him, before kicking outwards at Levi’s gut. Out of what seemed like instinct, the Mystic pulled back from the lock and spun on his heel. The kick narrowly missed his gut, but hit the electrostaff, sending the weapon flying, landing in a patch of snow. Levi grimaced, triple stepping backwards. He extend his right hand. The seer felt the effects almost instantly. His connection to the Force was being choked, restricted by the Mystic before him. Mune leapt forward, both of his swords held high. He wouldn't let Levi escape the battle, he wanted to win.

“I don’t need the Force to win this fight.” shouted Mune.

“Your next line will be ‘I've got you right where I want you.’” Levi said, almost sarcastically.

“I've got you right where I.. huh?” said Mune with confusion.

“Your first mistake was overconfidence.” Levi said smugly, plunging his foot deep into the snow. Without warning, the electrostaff burst through, going right for Mune’s face.

“Enjoy.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 June, 2017 7:35 PM UTC

Syntax

You had several little errors here, but they were all the same thing, just repeated. When you have a dialogue tag, which is something like 'he said', 'she asked', etc., the period at the end turns into a comma. Question marks and exclamation points are unaffected, as are all the other sentences in the quote. Only that last period is affected.

“It's my honor, Mune Cinteroph[,]” Levi whispered “I don’t need the Force to win this fight[,]” shouted Mune. “Your next line will be ‘I've got you right where I want you[,]’” Levi said, almost sarcastically. “Your first mistake was overconfidence[,]” Levi said smugly

An ellipsis is three dots, not two. The question mark is a-ok.

“I've got you right where I[...] huh?” said Mune with confusion.

Story

Mune should have filled in the reasons you're fighting in the first post, but since he didn't, you had an opportunity to fill that detail in here and give the fight some context. Like I told him, it's ok if you guys just want to do a fight scene, but that's going to make it hard to pull your Story score above a 3.

Realism

Nothing that I noticed.

Continuity

No errors.

Mune’s focus narrowed. The Mystic’s words fell away as the battle became that staff about to take him full on in the face. His mind calculated, both swords dropped from his hands. He twisted and a hand snapped out into the weapon’s path, closing firmly upon the hilt. He knew well enough he’d not have the skill to use it. He felt its weight, coupled with its momentum it nearly jerked him back in mid-air. Within seconds he was upon a surprised Levi. They collided, Mune crashing bodily into the other fighter, and they rolled. Knowing well enough he could not fight with the staff, the Seer released it from his grip in the tumble before regaining his footing. He recalled both his swords before Levi could focus again on suppressing his Force powers.

“What the heck was that?!”

“What?” Mune grinned impishly at his opponent.

“That mess?!”

“Hey. It was sloppy but it worked, didn’t it?”

The Kiffar frowned, clearly annoyed. The Seer’s maneuver was so obviously sloppy that it irritated him. “You fight like that in a duel? That is not very…”

“Gentlemanly? Really?” Mune laughed.

Levi began to argue but Mune was already moving again. The Hybrid’s sword held in his right came arcing in a vicious slash at his right shoulder. The Kiffar leapt back to safety. He reached out with the force, cracking one of the weaker stalagmites and launching it towards his opponent. While the Seer was distracted, the Mystic dove and grabbed his staff. He was back on his feet in time to deflect another wild cut from the Hybrid.

They were both working to keep their breathing level. The chill of the ice caves did nothing to keep them from beginning to sweat. Levi brought the staff down in an overhead blow. Mune caught it on the edge of one of his swords and thrust at his opponent with the other. Levi danced back. They traced intricate patterns in their dance of vicious strikes, parries, counters and dodges. Mune’s movements were all measured, working at keeping himself from getting exhausted too quickly. Levi was certain he could out last his opponent, though his attacks were less measured and more wild.

Mune caught another blow, the sensation of the vibration travelled through the joins of his arm. The Kiffar lunged again and Mune twisted to take the next blow upon the opposite blade. He quickly flicked the blade aside and struck at his opponent. Levi moved swiftly sideway, Mune’s attack going wide. The butt of his staff caught Mune in the back of his left leg, bringing him to his knee with a sharp gasp. The blow the Kiffar aimed at Mune’s skull to follow throw missed by a fraction of a hair’s breadth. Mune rolled and regained his feet, the ache in the join of his knee making him wince slightly.

Levi did not let up, he launched himself forward even as Mune was regaining his feet. The swords dropped from the Hybrid’s hands to clatter upon the ground. Levi had no time, being airborne, to readjust his velocity. Mune turned, his hands clenched. The Force roared through him, Levi sensed it like some beast too long caged.

“Think before you leap!”

Mune thrust the power forward, an explosive telekinetic strike that sent the Kiffar hurtling through the air to crash into a stalagmite. Ice exploded and fell to the ground below, along with a dazed Levi. Mune felt the shock of pain, an explosion behind his eyes from the sheer amount of focus it had taken, leaving him seeing stars for a few seconds. He was certain it was not nearly as much pain as Levi was feeling just then. The Kiffar’s electro staff lay a few feet distant, unsummoned, making Mune wonder if he had inadvertently knocked his opponent out. A question, soon answered, with the snap-hiss of a lightsaber igniting. The Hybrid called his swords to hand, both sheathed he then drew his own lightsabers from their holsters on his upper arms. He concentrated on suppressing the pain in his right knee, preparing to face what he could only assume was to be a very angry Kiffar.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 June, 2017 7:38 PM UTC

Syntax

A few typos here and there:

Mune caught another blow, the sensation of the vibration travelled through the join[t]s of his arm. Levi moved swiftly sideway[s], Mune’s attack going wide. The blow the Kiffar aimed at Mune’s skull to follow thro[ugh] missed by a fraction of a hair’s breadth.

Story

Nothing much to say here.

Realism

This is a bit much for +3. Thick ice is really tough to break through.

He reached out with the force, cracking one of the weaker stalagmites and launching it towards his opponent.

Fatigue! We love fatigue. This was a nice little detail to put in.

The chill of the ice caves did nothing to keep them from beginning to sweat.

Continuity

No errors.

“You’re gonna regret that.” smirked Levi. The blow had begun to take its toll, warm blood ran down the Kiffar’s forehead, being absorbed by the golden blindfold that hid his eyes.

“Add it to the list.” retorted Mune. A devilish glare shot across the Hybrids face, raising his twin lightsabers in front of him. “Now let us dance.”

Levi was the first to move. His hand glided along the hilt of his lightsaber, raising the weapon up behind his head. Bending his knees, feeling the Force swell within his legs, the Jedi pushed off the ground, rocketing towards Mune. The Dark Jedi raised his guard, aiming to take the saber in between his own. Levi brought the yellow lightsaber down, clashing with Mune’s blue and purple sabers. Sparks flew as the three blades pressed against each other, a rainbow of colour bursting from within the clash. Mune half stepped back, using the space to kick out at Levi’s gut. Out of pure instinct, the Jedi sidestepped the kick before returning the favor. Mune tried to retract his leg in time, but was met with Levi's boot burying itself within his chest. Pain exploded throughout his upper torso, the wind escaping as he tried desperately to regain his breath. Out of anger, Mune brought his left saber down towards Levi, only to have his opponent somersault out of harm's reach.

“Ooh that looked like it hurt!” exclaimed Levi. He hopped from left to right as Mune regained his footing, throwing out meaningless punches into the air. The Dark Jedi growled at him, jumping forward with a spinning slice motion aimed for Levi’s neck. The Kiffar stepped out of the way, catching the blades with his own. The plasma repelled each other as Levi jumped to the right, bringing his saber towards Mune’s flank. The Dark Jedi saw it coming, swatting the blade away with his sabers. What he did not anticipated was the fibercord whip that had wrapped itself around his right leg. With a yank, Mune landed face first in the snow

“Come now, I thought our esteemed headmaster could fi…” Levi’s sentence was abruptly ended by a Force cross punch that sent him flying across the cavern. Cold snow engulfed him, and the pain of the blow ached within his gut. Getting up onto a knee, Levi looked up, finding himself face to face with Mune. Before either of them could move, they felt something within the Force, something angry, and headed their way. A mighty roar resonated within the ice, causing some stalagmites to break free from the roof.

“I don't think either of us want to stick around for that.” said Levi, deactivating his lightsaber. Mune looked at him, nodding in agreement. The hybrid stowed his sabers away, and extended a hand to his clanmate.

“Let's go.”

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 June, 2017 7:45 PM UTC

Syntax

This was a run-on, so I just split it up.

The blow had begun to take its toll[. W]arm blood ran down the Kiffar’s forehead, being absorbed by the golden blindfold that hid his eyes.

Here's the dialogue tag thing again. Also, you were missing an apostrophe.

“Add it to the list[,]” retorted Mune. A devilish glare shot across the Hybrid[']s face

Plasma is singular, so I added a word so that it would go with the plural verb.

The plasma [beams] repelled each other

Ellipses aren't abrupt. They're a vague, slow trailing off. Em dashes, however, are very abrupt.

“Come now, I thought our esteemed headmaster could fi[—]” Levi’s sentence was abruptly ended

Story

Fight fight fight.

Realism

This is pretty fancy footwork for someone with no martial arts training.

Out of pure instinct, the Jedi sidestepped the kick before returning the favor.

Continuity

No errors.

Rage boiled through him, Levi’s very presence filled the space with Force fueled malevolence. Evena s his opponent tensed, Levi was upon him. The power that roared through his veins, his every cell, sending him forward in a burst of speed. Rage brought his lightsaber down in a violent strike at his Rollmaster’s right shoulder, a blow Mune only just managed to deflect. A rain of blows followed in rapid and vicious succession.

There was no room for Mune to counter, the assault came on far too quickly. He amplified his agility the best he could and depended on reading his opponent only to just barely deflect the wild attacks of his enraged opponent.

Multiple lacerations marked Levi’s body, blood left to run into his clothing unchecked. The wounds were ignored by the Mystic, instead, his Rage drove him past feeling them. His Rage was his world and his existence in those moments. Driven to action, driven to mad attacks upon his opponent. He struck, and slashed, and wove about the Seer. Each attack unmeasured, uncalculated; recklessly trying to win out over the Hybrid’s defenses.

Mune’s pulse ran fast, his breathing gasped out with every powerful blow against one saber or the other. He desperately kept up his defense, mind hyper focussed on keeping that millisecond ahead of the onslaught unleashed by the Kiffar. He knew it would take but one misstep on his own part, and it could mean a limb, or his life. He could no longer count how many blows he deflected. The sound of crackling plasma filled his ears, lit his features in their eerie glow. His heart pounded within his chest, a hard pounding within his head. Then he saw it, his eyes locked with the Mystic’s; the fire that roared there rapidly fading. He felt the weight behind the yellow saber lessen.

Levi’s body shuddered, strength ebbing, the Rage that had suffused him quickly diminishing. Every muscle ached, it very nearly hurt to breath. Muscles he did not know he had, were sore and screaming for him to stop and rest.Though he held his saber in both hands, he could no longer hold it steady against Mune’s. He heard the deactivation of one of the Rollmaster’s two sabers,, sensed the Force moving to answer the Hybrid’s call. Levi realized he did not have the strength left to force Mune’s remaining saber back or dodge before the coming blow took him full in the gut. The air exploded from his lungs, the muscles of his abdomen screamed… or was that the scream that exploded from his mouth along with the air? He felt the world spin around him, his own saber sent clattering over ice and snow. The ice rushed up to meet the side of his head with a crack that filled his head with stars.

Mune breathed heavily, every breath a pant that sent a soft puff of mist into the dim cave. His sweat chilled upon his face, muscles aching softly, not as much as he imagined Levi’s body hurt, lying prone upon the cold ground. He heard the soft groan escape the younger man. The Kiffar made to rise, but was stopped by the foot that pressed upon his chest, and force him prone once more. The Hybrid held his saber point to the Mystic’s throat.

“Do you yield?” Mune asked between pants.

“I yield… but you’re still sloppy…”

“Rage is as sloppy as it gets if you ask me… Levi.”

Mune helped the other man back to his feet and they stood in silence, as they had begun the fight. Certainly, they were far sorer than they had started, the cold doing nothing to dull the ache of every muscle and joint. They began the trek back to the entrance, aiming for home and their respective beds, Mune limping with every step.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 25 June, 2017 8:50 PM UTC

Syntax

You had several issues here with sentence fragments and run-ons. These are tricky and hard to explain how to avoid, but this is a start. But I'm not kidding when I say that they're tricky and hard to explain without getting into participles and such, so please don't hesitate to ask your proofer to keep a lookout for them. If you're on the fence about a sentence, feel free to hit up the ACC judges on Telegram or via email.

Rage boiled through him[.] Levi’s very presence filled the space with Force[-]fueled malevolence. The power that roared through his veins, his every cell, sending him forward in a burst of speed. There was no room for Mune to counter[;] the assault came on far too quickly. The wounds were ignored by the Mystic[;] instead, his Rage drove him past feeling them. Each attack [was] unmeasured, uncalculated[,] recklessly trying to win out over the Hybrid’s defenses. Then he saw it, his eyes locked with the Mystic’s[,] the fire that roared there rapidly fading. Every muscle ached, [and] it very nearly hurt to breath.

This was just a typo.

Even[ a]s his opponent tensed, Levi was upon him.

Likewise, this was just a double comma.

He heard the deactivation of one of the Rollmaster’s two sabers[,] sensed the Force moving to answer the Hybrid’s call.

Story

Fighty fight fight.

Realism

Nothing much to comment on here.

Continuity

No errors that I saw.