Savant Kelly Mendes vs. Knight Lucine Vasano

Savant Kelly Mendes

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Knight Lucine Vasano

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

Thank you for competing in Phase I of the GJW ACC event. This match was a pleasure to read, and I felt that both of you did a great job of writing your characters against each other. I hope I have the chance to read more from you both soon.

One of the things I want to emphasize in my decision is clarity - you want to make abundantly clear to the reader what exactly is happening in the action you're writing. Lucine had a couple of syntax errors that hurt in this regard, but overall her posts proved easier to follow. Both of you have solid command of your CS mechanics and utilized them well, but Kelly did have some issues with her usage of Force Lightning and Telekinesis. Also, while I enjoyed the story you both wrote I think there is room for improvement on both sides here - expand your story, really take hold of it and make it your own.

The winner is Lucine Vasano.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Kelly Mendes, Knight Lucine Vasano
Winner Knight Lucine Vasano
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Lucine Vasano's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Takodana: Maz Kanata’s Castle
Last Post 28 June, 2017 11:15 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Lucine Vasano
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: As noted in the comments, a number of errors - some minor, some more significant - that lead to confusion when reading. Rationale: As noted in the comments, a couple of errors in the fight but nothing too distracting.
Story - 40%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: There were a couple of places I was confused as to who was doing what, but overall I thought the action you wrote was good. I especially thought your opening post was well-done. Rationale: Solid story with little in the way of error as well as some well-written action. The only thing keeping you from a 5 for me is that it was a fairly straight-forward battle; next time, really expand on it.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Lucine Vasano
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Just a couple of issues as noted that brought you down a point. Rationale: As noted in your final post, what drops you a point here is the issue with Lucine shrugging off such a hard throw.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Giyana Jurro Lucine Vasano
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I saw or noted. Rationale: No issues that I saw or noted.
Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 4.05 Lucine Vasano's Score: 4.2
Posts

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

When the First Order beset on Takadona, Maz Kanata’s castle took the brunt of the assault. Located on the shore of a lake that was owned by the pirate Maz Kanata, it served as a haven for travelers, smugglers and other unsavory characters. Sensor grids and advanced communication gear secured the castle from unannounced attacks, giving its owner and visitors enough notice to flee the scene.

The area around it is rumored to have been the battleground for the Jedi and Sith, being of strategic value for those willing to seek control over Takadona. Inside, the castle’s gray exterior vanishes into shades of brown, the color of sandstone. Tables and chairs fill the cluttered spaces where travelers could share tales or pursue their own controversial interests. Unfiltered smoke permeates the air, clogging the senses with a sweet odor. Various criminal groups have at some time or another sought shelter in the castle, their passage evidenced by the many-colored banners outside bearing their insignia.

[Takadona Maz Kanata’s Castle](Asset Not Found)

Now, the castle remains uninhabited. Several of its towers have crumbled under the First Order’s assault. Stonework pillars have toppled over, scorched from turbolasers and blaster fire. Other segments lie in ruin, still too new for the forest to have reclaimed the land around the castle.

Kelly Mendes made her way through the ruins of the castle. Though the castle was apparently deserted, it did not stop her from periodically raking the surroundings with sharp green eyes, as if expecting to encounter company at any moment. No matter how she stretched her senses, the only sound was the wind howling through the ruins and her footfalls on the sandstone paving stones.

She finally found the courtyard that had been described to her. The scorched sandstone and intermittent bloodstains spoke of the battle that once took place, but there was no sign of more recent activity. Narrowing her eyes, she scanned her surroundings more more before finally finding the person she was looking for. “You might as well show yourself,” she said as her hand closed around her lightsaber. “I can see you.”

There was a flicker of movement beneath a nearby alcove as Lucine Vasano allowed her concealment to fall away. She gave Kelly a look of annoyance. “Why you are even here to see me in the first place?” she asked, her Coruscanti accent giving her words an almost lyrical quality.

“It's actually a pretty funny story,” Kelly replied. “I ran into a really annoying guy named Yras Rodurr over on Kessel. It took some convincing, but he told me a really interesting tale! Apparently he's an agent for the Inquisitorius and was on his way here to pick up some files from an Arconan spy.”

“I fail to see how that is funny,” Lucine replied coolly.

“I suppose you wouldn't, since you're the punchline,” Kelly said with a smirk.

Lucine took a deep breath, trying to keep her temper at bay. “So, you think you have it all figured out, do you? You idiot! You have ruined everything!”

“That's another funny thing,” Kelly replied as she edged closer. “I don't particularly care. What I do care about is what the Arconan Summit is going to give me when I hand them an Inquisitorius spy.”

Lucine's emerald eyes narrowed dangerously. “They would not give you anything. And do you know why?” She began to speak slowly, as if talking to a particularly slow-witted child, “This was an espionage mission. I am acting under orders!”

Though Lucine's tone grated on Kelly's nerves, her words came as a surprise. The Savant paused. “What?”

”The files I was supposed to hand off? There is a virus embedded into them that would have given our operatives backdoor access to Inquisitorius databases! But now it will not be delivered, because you waylaid my messenger!”

The redhead was pacing now, her frustration evident of her face. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to set this up? How long it took me to find an Inquisitorius agent who was both well placed within the organization and too foolish to properly scan a file before opening it?! How many favors I had to burn to get access to him? My plan was a thing of gem-like beauty and you ruined it!” Lucine realized she was ranting and forced herself to stand still. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths to regain control of her temper.

“Well, you're quick on your feet, I'll give you that,” Kelly said after a pause. “But that's just the sort of lie I'd expect a spy to tell. So. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to carry your corpse back?” She pressed the ignition of her lightsaber, the hiss of the plasma blade springing to life punctuating her statement.

Lucine glared at the other woman. “I have no intention of going with you,” she said through gritted teeth. She held her arms wide and spread her fingers, showing that she held no weapons. “And you do not need that lightsaber. Might I suggest you throw it all the way over there?” She gestured toward the far wall.

Kelly hesitated for a moment, before obligingly deactivating the weapon and throwing it. As it clattered against the wall, her eyes narrowed as she realized what she had done. She turned to look back at Lucine, the redhead now had a blaster drawn and aimed at her.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 29 June, 2017 2:27 AM UTC

Solid opening post. I think this sets up the battle for you both nicely. Two small errors:

Narrowing her eyes, she scanned her surroundings more more before finally finding the person she was looking for.

"more more" is a minor typo here, but in a battle like this I've got to look at the small things.

There was a flicker of movement beneath a nearby alcove as Lucine Vasano allowed her concealment to fall away

I like this from a story perspective, but I'm not sure you explained it well based on your CS. "Concealment" as a Force power refers specifically to masking your Force ability/presence; using a combination of Force Cloak and Illusion I think makes this more understandable. To that end, it'd need to be worded slightly different. Also, Kelly's Seeking II only works against Illusion and Concealment, not against Force Cloak. Again, a minor thing but I'd be remiss if I didn't point it out.

One thing I want to point out that I didn't even notice until it was pointed out to me - how you disarmed Kelly is pretty brilliant. I really like how that was written and how well it played with your feats on your CS.

“You probably think that was clever, don’t you, red? Unfortunately for you, it’s just going to make you look like even more of a loser when I hold your life in my hands.” Kelly mocked the Arconan, knowing she could likely survive without a lightsaber for a short time. The only reason the Savant was on Takodana was Marick wanted her to punish Arcona for its treachery. She hated both sides, but it was better to be on good terms with the Inquisitorius than a clan being led by the blind.

“You just don’t get it, do you? You’ve ruined the mission and for that, you must pay, with your life if need be.” Lucine was angry, and she wasn’t very likeable when she was angry. Atyiru may have been trying to hold together some sort of grand alliance against Pravus, but reports of his disappearance exposed the tribal desire to prove dominance over the other clans. Plagueis was always the most reluctant of the participants, so it was no surprise one of them would take the earliest opportunity possible to slip the knife in the back.

Kelly yawned as a complete sign of disrespect to the Arconan. Without a lightsaber, Mendes’ offence was limited but by no means insufficient. She outstretched her left hand, focusing on her lightsaber in an effort to recall it to her possession. The attempt was unsuccessful. Determined to not give up, she looked closer and spotted Lucine had a lightsaber of her own. Nothing like taking the enemy’s weapon to beat them with. Shifting her focus and her hand, Kelly yanked Lucine’s lightsaber and watched it soar into her hand. The tables had been turned, how would the Knight react?

Lucine was shocked, her weapon now in the hands of her opposition. Furious, she let off a barrage of blaster bolts. As the bolts hurtled through the air, Kelly remained calm. She had been in this situation hundreds of times before. The lightsaber still not activated, the projectiles came closer still. That was when she acted. The Savant raised her arms and watched the protective field surround her, the blaster fire crashing harmlessly into the defensive corona. Lucine would have to try and find something to surprise Kelly with. Maybe she could get Kelly herself to give her an opportunity.

Kelly dropped the field, it had served its purpose. Sliding her thumb into position, she activated the green bladed lightsaber. It appeared to be a simple armoury saber, the kind given to those who are semi-competent. More fire came in, Kelly deftly flicked her wrist and twisted her body every which way to ensure she wouldn’t be beaten by a weapon beneath her status. No, this had to be settled with the weapons of a true warrior. Pulling her hands slowly at first, they gathered speed until they were fully outstretched behind her. Then, without warning they flew forward, guiding some kind of unseen energy in the direction of the Knight, who was sent skyward.

Luckily for Lucine, she went nowhere near the ceiling, but was, in fact, sent a meter into the air and propelled backwards five meters towards the far wall before crashing to the ground. Close enough that she could reach out and take Kelly’s own lightsaber. As Kelly had her weapon Vasano saw no reason she shouldn’t do the same. Picking up the lightsaber she noticed the hilt was blue and the shape was more elegant than her own weapon. Pressing her thumb into the activation switch, the Arconan was almost taken aback when an orange blade emerged. It didn’t really go with her outfit, but then during times of war sacrifices had to be made.

Kelly watched as she saw the Knight bringing the weapon she had removed from Kelly’s grip back into the battle. Kelly went for a death blow. Balling her right hand into a fist, she waited for the Arconan to trudge back towards her, bearing more physical pain than mental. Of course, Kelly wasn’t entirely free from the effects of the battle, wanting to move to a more relaxed pace. Once she felt the Arconan was close enough, Kelly extended her fingers in the direction of Lucine and shrieked as the energy she built up flew across the room with tremendous speed. Vasano was able to somehow direct it into the ground, this wasn’t going to be easy.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 29 June, 2017 3:32 AM UTC

“You just don’t get it, do you? You’ve ruined the mission and for that, you must pay, with your life if need be.”

The comma usage here is a bit awkward.

Determined to not give up, she looked closer and spotted Lucine had a lightsaber of her own. Nothing like taking the enemy’s weapon to beat them with.

The 'saber-switcheroo here was clever, but when I first read it I was a bit confused as to what was happening. This could have been written a bit more clearly.

More fire came in, Kelly deftly flicked her wrist and twisted her body every which way to ensure she wouldn’t be beaten by a weapon beneath her status.

You're missing a conjunction to join "More fire came in," with "Kelly deftly..."

Pulling her hands slowly at first, they gathered speed until they were fully outstretched behind her. Then, without warning they flew forward, guiding some kind of unseen energy in the direction of the Knight, who was sent skyward.

This is quite a Force Push here. Picking her up and throwing her? Okay, I can see that. Knocking her through the air with a ball of Force? That I'm not as sure of.

Once she felt the Arconan was close enough, Kelly extended her fingers in the direction of Lucine and shrieked as the energy she built up flew across the room with tremendous speed.

I'm confused as to what you're trying to do here - Force Lightning?

Vasano was able to somehow direct it into the ground, this wasn’t going to be easy.

Syntax is problematic here.

Lucine took a deep breath, trying not to show just how much effort it took to redirect the Savant's attack. This is going to remain difficult as long as she continues to insist on trying to bludgeon me with the Force.

Deactivating the The Demon's Blade, Lucine pivoted to the side, holding the lightsaber downward and at an angle in an almost lazy fashion. “If you are done flailing about like a fool, I suggest we finish this in a more befitting manner.” Her bravado was lessened by the fact that she was swaying slightly. The blood oozing from a cut on her temple made it clear that she had suffered some sort of head injury when Kelly had thrown her.

“It's your funeral, Red,” the Plagian replied as she fell into a wide stance, shifting the green lightsaber into a reversed grip. The silence stretched between them as each woman studied her opponent. Lucine, however, seemed distracted by something behind the brunette.

“You don't really think I’m going to fall for the old 'Look Behind You' ruse, are you?” Kelly said with a sneer.

“You should. I do not make a habit of going anywhere alone,” Lucine replied. “Right now, one of my compatriots has a slugthrower aimed directly at your head,” she added, reaching out with a tendril of Force to enhance brunette's paranoia.

“You must really think I'm stu—"

Kelly's words were cut off by the sound of a firing slugthrower. Acting more or less on instinct, she dived out of the way. A quick glance over her shoulder proved that there was no one there; it had merely been an illusion. The snap-hiss of an activating lightsaber alerted her to imminent danger and she hastily brought up her weapon to stop the orange blade before it struck her.

“I'm getting really tired of your tricks, Red,” the Savant growled as she fluidly lashed out with a quick strike. She noticed that Lucine was no longer swaying. Apparently the redhead had been playing up her injury too.

“Oh, but I am having so much fun!” Lucine replied as she parried the blow. Despite her light tone, she was quickly realizing that she was getting nowhere. Allowing the Force to guide her movements, she considered her surroundings. The Plagueian seemed to rely on heavy blows of energy. Perhaps she could use that? After all, the walls seemed to be crumbling in some places.

With the beginnings of a plan in place, she continued to parry Kelly's blows, moving in an almost casual way as she tried to maneuver her opponent to use the crumbling architecture in her favor.

The orange and green lightsabers whirled and hissed, occasionally emitting sparks as they met. It quickly became clear to Lucine that it was no good. The brunette was far too skilled to be led so easily. While she was starting to fatigue, her opponent showed no signs of weariness. I must end this, quickly.

Once more the Savant lunged. Guided by the Force, Lucine lept to the side, causing the brunette to overcorrect. Seeing her chance, Lucine closed and lashed out with the lightsaber.

She realized that she had erred when she saw Kelly’s smirk. Mendes blocked the blow even as she made a shoving motion with her other hand. Too close to dodge, Lucine was thrown violently backward. Black spots exploded in front of her eyes as she struck the wall with a heavy thud and the telltale snap of at least one bone breaking. Pain flared, but it was mercifully short lived as consciousness slipped away.

Mendes remained on the defensive, fully expecting another trick; but the Arconan remained still. Guardedly, Kelly moved forward to nudge the redhead with the toe of her boot. No response; the Knight was down for the count. With a sigh, the Savant picked up her lightsaber, dropping Lucine’s in the dust. “Well, it looks like your plan wasn’t the only thing I ruined,” she said to the Arconan’s prone form.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 29 June, 2017 3:42 AM UTC

I like the "Look Behind You" ruse. It struck me as well-done and well-connected with your skills/feats.

...Plagian...

Plagueian*

...enhance brunette's paranoia.

You're missing an article (specifically "the").

She noticed that Lucine was no longer swaying. Apparently the redhead had been playing up her injury too.

Lucine took a pretty bad blow in Kelly's last post. There's nothing on your CS (control self, endurance, athletics, etc.) that would lead me to believe she could shrug that off that easily.

Too close to dodge, Lucine was thrown violently backward. Black spots exploded in front of her eyes as she struck the wall with a heavy thud and the telltale snap of at least one bone breaking.

Solid descriptive action.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 29 June, 2017 4:18 AM UTC

Lucine,

I really enjoyed reading this fight over. I read it in full and spent about 2 hours going over it with Farrin. I would have graded this the exact same way, but wanted to make sure that was made clear. Look forward to seeing more of your matches :).

-Wally
Voice of the Brotherhood

Both women look intensely into the other’s eyes, they could see that the other would not submit. Lucine was more shocked that she’d the wherewithal to ground the lightning, especially as she was getting used to the differences between her opponent’s weapon and her own. Hesitant to take the initiative, Vasano remained still, all the while Kelly was methodically circling the Journeyman, waiting for the most opportune moment to strike. While the Plagueian had the raw power to deal with her, Lucine was intrigued at the patience on display from her opponent.

“So, you want to get out of here alive, maybe with me dead, maybe not. I think we can come to an accord. All you have to do is turn around and forget you ever saw me, or I can make sure you’re reminded of it every day.” Kelly was simply toying with her opposition now. She knew her offer wouldn’t be accepted, thought about potentially, but not accepted. Lucine just had that air of confidence about her, she didn’t know she was beaten yet. As she was planning to move in for the win, Kelly felt like something was off, as if she was hallucinating and Lucine wasn’t really there. After a quick shake of the head, she dispelled the notion and returned to stalking her target.

Lucine’s plan hadn’t worked as well as she’d hoped. Yes, Kelly hesitated, but she was still too far away to hit. With a lightsaber at least. Reaching for the little pouch she carried with her, Vasano held the blinding dust in her hand. It wouldn’t win her the fight, that was looking less likely by the second, but it may just give her enough time to regain some energy to put up more of a fight.

The circle Kelly was walking in was slowly but surely decreasing in diameter. The Savant could feel herself closing in, her opponent worn down much more than she was herself. She was so close to fulfilling her orders, but there was something she had to deal with first. Loathing to see her lightsaber wielded so poorly, she had to come up with a plan to regain it. Glancing ever so briefly at her biceps, then at her opponent, brute strength seemed to be an efficient way of getting the outcome she desired. Putting significantly more force into each blow, Kelly could see Lucine’s grip weakening rapidly, soon she would have the lightsaber back in her hands.

As Mendes proceeded to strike, she could feel the effects in her left arm, it was beginning to slow, which made her blows less precise. It was made clear when the Savant attempted to deviate from her plan and made a slash at Vasano’s head. Whether a tactical masterclass or just exhaustion, the Arconan was able to avoid the blow by ducking it. This confused the Plagueian, who instead of making sure Lucine wouldn’t be able to stand up, instead took her lightsaber back and threw the armoury saber haphazardly with her right hand, not really paying attention to where it landed.

“I’m not sure you can hear me right now, but your contact yeah he set you up. He’s safe on an island somewhere, Marick is taking really good care of him. Oh speaking of Marick, you can tell your ‘Shadow Lady’ I believe you call her, that he’ll likely be seeing her soon enough.” Kelly waved her hand close to Lucine’s face as she spoke before the Savant turned her back, knowing that she’d have either got the message across, or she’d have to make sure to make her message clearer next time. As she started to walk away, she spun around and proceeded back to Lucine’s motionless body. Using her lightsaber, Kelly made a little mark on Lucine’s left cheek. Finally satisfied she’d done enough, the Plagueian made the journey to the castle’s courtyard. The difference in light level was almost blinding, but as Kelly staggered away, she knew she had done her part to preserve Plagueis.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 29 June, 2017 3:51 AM UTC

Both women look intensely into the other’s eyes, they could see that the other would not submit.

Comma splice

Hesitant to take the initiative, Vasano remained still, all the while Kelly was methodically circling the Journeyman, waiting for the most opportune moment to strike.

As it stands, this isn't grammatically correct as one sentence.

She knew her offer wouldn’t be accepted, thought about potentially, but not accepted.

I get what you're trying to write here. However, it should have more of a break. Something like: "...wouldn't be accepted. Thought about, potentially, but not accepted."

As Mendes proceeded to strike, she could feel the effects in her left arm, it was beginning to slow, which made her blows less precise. It was made clear when the Savant attempted to deviate from her plan and made a slash at Vasano’s head. Whether a tactical masterclass or just exhaustion, the Arconan was able to avoid the blow by ducking it. This confused the Plagueian, who instead of making sure Lucine wouldn’t be able to stand up, instead took her lightsaber back and threw the armoury saber haphazardly with her right hand, not really paying attention to where it landed.

The action sequence here is a bit hard to follow and confusing. One of the reasons is you're writing a fight with two female characters, so using "she" as a pronoun can lead to a bit of an issue in places.

Vasano held the blinding dust in her hand. It wouldn’t win her the fight, that was looking less likely by the second, but it may just give her enough time to regain some energy to put up more of a fight.

This wasn't mentioned again - what happened?

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 29 June, 2017 4:18 AM UTC

Kelly,

I really enjoyed reading this fight over. I read it in full and spent about 2 hours going over it with Farrin. I would have graded this the exact same way, but wanted to make sure that was made clear. Look forward to seeing more of your matches :).

-Wally
Voice of the Brotherhood