Commander Christopher "Nero" Winchester vs. Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Commander Christopher "Nero" Winchester

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist
vs.

Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya

Elder 3, Elder tier, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
Comment

Thank you both for seeing this match through to the end!

To start, I want to address why you both got Realism score hits even though only one of you had a per post comment pointing it out. Mainly, take a look at the venue. The "city" is built out of bubble-like compartments. There are no alleys or buildings. The bubble IS the building. Other than the reference to Gungans thrown here or there, this could have been any city. Otoh Gunga is a rather unique one and that should be clear in the writing.

That aside, there were things here that balanced this match out to make it a lot closer than it could have been. Some minor missteps in Realism and some major ones in Story took care of that. Hopefully, the post comments and the rationale sections explain this in a way that makes sense to you both.

With the scores tallied, Halcyon Rokir Taldrya is the winner.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Commander Christopher "Nero" Winchester, Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya
Winner Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Commander Christopher "Nero" Winchester's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Prophet Halcyon Rokir Taldrya's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Otoh Gunga
Last Post 5 July, 2017 11:56 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Lord Halcyon Reaper Ryuu Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: More mistakes in the first post than the last. Mostly simple mistakes. Rationale: Mostly clean, some mistakes here and there.
Story - 40%
Lord Halcyon Reaper Ryuu Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You ended up with a full bodied match in terms of story lines, but there wasn't much personality to it in the first post. This changed very much in the second, especially forming the connection between the characters and working some history into it. That brought this up to a high 3, but should have been consistent throughout. There was never any real sense of tension either, as the outcome seemed clear from the start. Rationale: You did the work setting up motivations and then let it all fall flat with your Final Post. The characters became utterly superficial and the story itself was clipped. I could have swapped the names and it would be the same NFU vs. FU fight as with any other characters. There was no personality to it, or feeling. Just a quick end. It was a true disservice to your own efforts up until that point and quite literally cost you the match.
Realism - 25%
Lord Halcyon Reaper Ryuu Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your depiction of the venue was at odds with its structure and you had some missteps with Force Power usage. Rationale: Your depiction of the venue is at severe odds with how it is structured.
Continuity - 20%
Lord Halcyon Reaper Ryuu Suoh
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Lord Halcyon's Score: 3.55 Reaper Ryuu Suoh's Score: 3.4
Posts

Naboo Otoh Gunga

Beneath the surface of Lake Paonga lies the Gungan capital. Otoh Gunga is constructed in such a manner that leaves the Gungan city trapped beneath water pressures converging on the lake’s vertical center and floating between the surface of the lake and the lakebed. Its location makes the capital difficult to find without knowing its precise location, remaining untouched during the Separatist occupation of Naboo.

Water-breathing species would be able to swim easily to its bubble-shaped buildings; however, those unable to remain submerged without air would find the distance impossible to swim. Therefore, breathing apparatuses are essential for those determined to make the journey themselves and without the aid of Gungan bongos.

Its bubble-like buildings are in fact hydrostatic force-fields that contain breathable atmospheres for their occupants and have special portals that allow theinhabitants to enter and exit. Since the Gungans actually grew the building material of their cities from the natural plasma of Naboo and bubble wort extract, the structure of Otoh Gunga is a hub and spoke design. Each of the bubble-like buildings are compartmentalized units, able to be sealed off at a moment’s notice.

The Gungan Grand Army utilizes patrols that make regular visits between the compartments. Favouring spears, atlatls, Electropoles and cestas for throwing boomas, these soldiers are the staunch defenders of Otoh Gunga. Sometimes armed with distributed Gungan personal energy shields capable of turning aside blaster bolts, these warriors are too-often underestimated, lending to their victories over the Trade Federation.

Looking through the lens of his scope at ‘The Lily Pond’ Chris was waiting for his target to exit the building. He was still dumbfounded at how any sane person would come to the red-light district of Otoh Gunga. The sniper sighed, curious as to why he needed to attack the Taldryan Elder in the first place; the Inquisitorius had stood down, if the scuttlebutt was to be believed Pravus was dead. However, he wasn’t one to argue against orders, and the higher ups in the Lotus deemed that Halcyon needed to be taken out of the fight.

Halcyon had been there for three hours at least — which was, at least, a good indication of Halcyon’s stamina — before he stepped out of the main entrance of ‘The Lily Pond’ with the hood of his black cloak up, hiding his emerald hair. The Elder first looked around and then used the Force to see what his eyes couldn’t. Before he could search the entire area though, his Force-fueled instincts screamed at him to dodge. A moment later, a slug flew through the spot where his head had just been. The Prophet tried to trace where the shot came from, but Chris had already started moving. Halcyon reached out to the Force to find his would-be assassin, looking for a strong presence in the Force to alert him to where they were moving, but to no avail. The only things around him were beings so weak in the Force that they wouldn’t pose a threat to him, let alone merit the need for him to be serious.

Chris used his grappling hook to rapidly get down the side of the building he was on and then to get into another position. It wasn’t as high this time but it would have to do. Once he located the Jedi again, he fired two rounds, one at his head and one slightly lower just incase his target decided to duck again, and then again made a break for it shortly after firing. He didn’t have the luxury to staying in one place for too long, lest he tempt death.

Halcyon had purposely moved out in the open, baiting his attacker. While dodging the last two attacks, he finally pinpointed Chris’ location with the Force. He didn’t know who sent the man — he had far too many enemies to keep track of — but they were either extremely stupid or overly confident in their sniper. It was actually somewhat insulting to send a single non-Force user after him, but it was something new. Normally people sent in squads so he was intrigued at how well the man could do alone. He stepped onto the main street of the compartment and ignited his emerald lightsaber, never changing his pace as he had no need to exert himself.

Chris caught sight of Halcyon just before he made his way onto the main path. Thinking to himself, “Good, still a good ways ahead of him,” he stepped onto the main street and moved through the crowd, certain that Halcyon had saw him. Hearing the sound of the armies patrols rushing through to the area he had just left, he slipped into a group of buildings just as they surrounded Halcyon. Chris used this time to fire two rounds from his clip before taking off again, reloading another magazine as he went.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 11:43 PM UTC

Syntax

Looking through the lens of his scope at ‘The Lily Pond’[,] Chris was waiting for his target to exit the building.

You need a comma here to separate the phrases.

The sniper sighed, curious as to why he needed to attack the Taldryan Elder in the first place; the Inquisitorius had stood down, if the scuttlebutt was to be believed Pravus was dead.

This shouldn't be split by a semicolon. They are meant for two independent clauses that refer explicitly to the same subject. Also, the second clause doesn't work grammatically. Which is regarding the scuttlebutt and belief? That Pravus is dead or the Inq had stood down?

three hours at least — which was, at least,

Unneeded repetition of "at least" here that doesn't enhance the writing.

used the Force to see [...] his Force-fueled instincts screamed [...] to the Force to find his [...] the Force to alert [...] in the Force that they

You really like to use "Force" throughout this paragraph. Vary it up and keep the imagery interesting.

He didn’t have the luxury [of] staying in one place

Structurally, this needs to be "of" instead of "to".

Normally people sent in squads[,] so he was intrigued

Comma is needed here.

the [army's] patrols

Should be a possessive here, not a plural.


Story

The... interesting... locale setup aside, you do a good job of playing to the Aspect related strengths of both characters. That's a good thing to focus on in a match. Especially integrating it naturally.

The two pot-shots from the would-be assassin caused more panic and confusion in the streets, as Gungan army personnel surrounding Halcyon became distracted in looking for the shooter. Halcyon wasted no time, the blade of his lightsaber returning back to its hilt as pushed the Force into his legs and ran with inhuman speed for cover. He heard the shouts in the distance, but all they saw was a green-and-black blur disappearing from their midst.

Halcyon took a number of random turns down each alley and street he found, before finally stopping at a small side-alley and throwing the Force around him like a cloak. It wasn’t much, but it would hide him from any cursory glances as he caught his breath.

Information, Halcyon seethed to himself. I was just here for some simple information.

He had been looking for ways to take Pravus down since leaving Taldryan, when suddenly the Grand Master had seemingly disappeared. His contacts had pointed him to The Lily Pond. Although the information he finally received seemed like it could be of some use, he turned down the other “features” of the establishment. Even his green fetish had its limits.

And now someone else is apparently out for my head too.

Although no one seems to have found him, the hairs on the back of his neck were standing at attention. Decades of battle had caused Halcyon to fully trust his instincts. Slowly, he pushed his awareness outwards, filling the space around him foot-by-foot with his senses.

Found you!

A faint flicker in the Force exposed what was watching him. It was the familiar sensation of the droid, and now that the knew it existed Halcyon could also hear the slightest whirring noise of the droid. Halcyon took two deep breaths, focusing his thoughts and actions. He stepped away from the wall he had been leaning against, revealing himself to anyone who may be watching. In the same motion his left hand waved across his body, an invisible tendril of power grasping the object that had been observing him. He saw that it was a Probe Droid moments before he had thrown it back down onto the ground with a satisfying crunch.

The droid’s owner retaliated in the same moment, two powerful projectiles screaming down from a rooftop. The projectiles stayed straight-and-true, but moment before they could tear through the human flesh of their target they instead slammed into a translucent barrier, ricocheting off of it and embedding themselves into the alley walls.

Halcyon’s knew where the shots came from, his head already looking in the direction of the shooter. The helmeted-figure’s head snapped up as his shots failed. It was only a momentary hesitation however before he had slung his weapon over his shoulder and was already heading away from the Elder Jedi.

“Oh no you don’t,” Halcyon yelled out, pushing all he had into his legs and leaping to the top of the short building his assassin was just on. He was barely able to get to the roof, scrambling to not fall back off the ledge, and instead doing a terrible roll onto the roof itself. The armoured-figure was moving briskly, nearly reaching the edge of the roof.

From his knees Halcyon punched at the air, an invisible sledgehammer crossing the distance and slamming into the assassin’s back in mid-leap. The figure had lost their balance, twisting themselves so they didn’t fall into the gap between buildings and instead crumpled back down onto the roof.

Halcyon was already up, moving in the direction of his assassin. The figure recovered quickly, a blaster already in his hand and spewing death. Halcyon’s emerald hilt was in his hand and ignited with a simple thought and practiced ease, the green blade batting away the blaster fire without slowing his momentum. With his left hand Halcyon reached out, grasping hold of the assassin’s helmet with invisible figures, and ripping it clean off the rest of the armour.

“Who hired you?” Halcyon growled, as he stared into the icy-blue eyes of the other man.

Darth Renatus, 6 July, 2017 11:58 PM UTC

Syntax

The two pot-shots from the would-be assassin caused more panic and confusion in the streets, as Gungan army personnel surrounding Halcyon became distracted in looking for the shooter.

The use of "as" after the comma really creates an awkward flow here.

as [he] pushed the Force into his legs

Missed the "he" here.

Although no one [seemed] to have found him

You had some tense dancing here, "seems" instead of "seemed".

sensation of the droid [...] noise of the droid

Unneeded repetition of "the droid" that doesn't enhance the story.

In the same motion his left hand waved across his body, an invisible tendril of power grasping the object that had been observing him.

Similarly awkward flow to your first sentence. The flow of events doesn't jive with the syntax.

[Halcyon] knew where the shots came from

The possessive form isn't needed here.


Realism

throwing the Force around him like a cloak.

With +1 Force Cloak, it takes full concentration to vanish and it is a slow process. You need to depict that here. The hasty pacing of the writing denotes a speed of cloaking that is more in line with the higher ranks.

It was the familiar sensation of the droid

Droids neither have Force Sensitivity, nor do they have a life force to pick up on. This has shown to be a difficulty in "sensing" them in many sources.

As Halcyon got closer and closer, he started to get more agitated that he still hadn’t been answered. Chris had stopped firing when the Prophet got within ten feet and dropped his pistol then kicked it towards Halcyon, pretending to surrender. When Halcyon got within striking distance he was finally answered. “No one hired me.”

Chris knew that answer would probably set the elder off, and that’s what he was hoping for. As Halcyon swung his saber, Chris hit a button on his left wrist. Instead of carving into him, the emerald blade bounced back and sparks came out of a device on Chris’ belt. That momentary pause was all Chris needed. He lunged forward and punched Halcyon in the solar plexus. It knocked the wind from Halcyon, but the Prophet used the Force to control his body’s need for oxygen. Chris reached down for his vibroknife with his left hand and held it in a reverse grip before stabbing it at Halcyon. The Grey Jedi easily dodged the attack and swung his saber down in one fell swoop cutting Chris’ torso in two.

The assassin dealt with, Halcyon deactivated his lightsaber and looked around for a way down. Seeing a ladder on the side of a nearby building he used the Force to jump, building to building, until he got to the ladder. After reaching the ground, he walked from the alley it put him in to the main street. Having one less enemy was of no concern to the man; it was just another of many. With both the information he needed acquired, and the inconvenience dealt with, the Gray Jedi made his way to one of the hangers that held aquatic ships so he could return to the surface.

Darth Renatus, 7 July, 2017 12:05 AM UTC

Syntax

set the [Elder] off

Two things: be consistent and capitalize a title when using it instead of a name. You used "Elder" in your previous post, but dropped the capital here.

The Grey Jedi [...] the Gray Jedi

Again, be consistent. Stick to one local spelling.


Story

This is, suffice to say, a very abrupt ending. It has a clear ending, but the journey there was superficial and, frankly, uninteresting. Especially compared to your initial setup.

“Go suck on some more Gungan-spit,” Christopher retorted, keeping himself perfectly still.

Halcyon shook his head ever so slightly, but it was enough to convey his current displeasure. Unmasked, he knew his assailant having served with him in Taldryan. Christopher was a soldier through-and-through, so he already knew the answer to that question.

“I guess Odan-Urr is finally getting around for payback, now that I am on my own.”

Christopher’s reaction to the statement was telling. “You didn’t know why you were ordered, did you?” Halcyon asked. As Deputy Grand Master, Halcyon had lead the attack on New Tython many years ago. He had killed their main ally, and his brother, Michael Halcyon. It had taken Odan-Urr years to rebuild before finally fleeing to parts unknown.

“You can still go suck on that Gungan, Halc,” Christopher growled, not giving the older man the satisfaction of his curiosity.

Halcyon had wanted to continue goading Christopher, but it had appeared that the Gungan military had regrouped and were beginning to converge on their location. Halcyon began to move on instinct, his lightsaber in position to cut the enemy down, but an internal force stayed his hand. He had never second-guessed the killing of others, but since leaving the Dark Council he had started down a new path. While he knew he would never be one with the Light, he knew he was no longer in the grip of the Dark.

Christopher’s mind was running through the possibilities. He had heard the Gungans getting closer as well, and knew his time was short. He saw Halcyon’s initial movements and all of his possibilities now converged to his death. The last thing he would have expected was hesitation on the part of an Elder and Dark Prophet, but that is exactly what he saw on the green-haired man in front of him. Training and experience took over as Christopher used that moment in time to launch himself upwards and forward.

He needed only two steps to reach Halcyon, but never slowed as he plowed through the space that Halcyon was occupying. Halcyon’s body, of its own volition, turned in time to avoid a direct hit, but Christopher's armoured shoulder still caught him in the arm and spun him around.

Christopher never slowed as he eyed the next building. His grappling hook was out and the head of it shot out. The arrow-shaped head embedded itself into the top of the other building as Christopher jumped off the roof and swung himself against the side of the other building. Ensuring he had a secure hold on the grappling hook he began to climb up the side of the building, reaching the ledge and throwing himself over it.

Halcyon swore to himself as he shook the pain in his arm out. He had fallen to his knees from the collision, but recovered quickly. What needed to be done coalesced quickly in his mind as he chased after Christopher. Infusing his legs with the Force he leapt off the roof and caught the ledge of the other building, pulling himself up. Although no longer bound to the darkside, he was still intimately familiar with its uses and how to channel his own anger. Once more he pushed the Force into his legs, this time allowing him to nearly catch up with Christopher in only a few strides. With an outstretched hand he focused his anger and unleashed it, violet strings of energy bursting from his fingers and enveloping the Odan-Urr soldier.

Christopher fell to the ground almost instantly, skidding across the roof before coming to a full stop. His mouth was open in a soundless scream as Halcyon calmly walked over to him, never once releasing him from his lightning-grip.

“You tell your bosses to forget I exist. I have no quarrel with them. They send anyone else, and I will make it my mission that they all cease to actually exist. Do I make myself clear?”

Christopher shook violently, smelling his own flesh beginning to cook within his armour.

“Answer me!” Halcyon shouted in his ear, finally eliciting a nod from Christopher along with the first scream of pain.

Halcyon finally released Christopher from the deadly energies, before turning away and moving towards the other side of the roof. He leapt over the ledge just as the Gungan military began to converge on the rooftop, surrounding the prone human who lay on the ground, smoke wafting from his body.

Darth Renatus, 7 July, 2017 12:19 AM UTC

Syntax

reach Halcyon, [...] the space that Halcyon was occupying. Halcyon’s body [...]

His grappling hook was out and the head of it shot out.

the other building as Christopher [...] the side of the other building

You have some more repetitious sections throughout this post, much like in the first. Some examples above.

to the darkside

While we allow for both "Dark Side" and "dark side" so long as the member is consistent, it should be two words at all times.


Story

I like how this went. You didn't make it a simple thing, like an Elder swatting a fly. You grew the story and made it interesting in a manner that made sense. That's not easy to do.


Realism

never once releasing him from his lightning-grip.

In order to stream Force Lightning, you need the Feat "Stream It". Your Feat, "Elder Storm", lets you both chain it and spread it to multiple targets, but not stream it.