Knight Tali Sroka vs. Acolyte Wolfe Whitehorn

Knight Tali Sroka

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Acolyte Wolfe Whitehorn

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

This was a good showing from members who are relatively new to the ACC experience. The mistakes made are as much a result of that lack of experience as anything else. I can only recommend paying more attention to the Force Power and Skill wikis. These are easy to access, as you can click on your Skill/Power bubbles on the CS and it will take you directly to it in a new tab. The other growing pain came from the depiction of the characters. Namely, the opponents. Whether outright ignored or only superficially depicted, this is where the real pain came into play. There was a lot to like with the ideas present in the story, but they don't translate well from solo fictions to the ACC.

With the scores tallied, Tali Sroka is the winner.

I wish you both luck in your future matches.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Tali Sroka, Acolyte Wolfe Whitehorn
Winner Knight Tali Sroka
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Tali Sroka's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Wolfe Whitehorn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 10 July, 2017 8:00 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Aedile Tali Sroka Proconsul Wulfram Armis
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Next to no errors that I was able to catch. Rationale: Several issues, especially in your final post. Seems like the proofing was rushed.
Story - 40%
Aedile Tali Sroka Proconsul Wulfram Armis
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: This would have been higher if not for the lack of focus on the match characters in the last post. Add to that the superficial treatment of Wolfe's character, and you get this score. Rationale: While you had a strong set-up, in terms of emotive imagery, your complete disregard for Tali's character in the second post brought your score down here. These matches have to be between the combatants. They don't take a back seat to the NPCs that may crop up.
Realism - 25%
Aedile Tali Sroka Proconsul Wulfram Armis
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Some issues noted in the comments. Rationale: Several issues that are noted in the comments.
Continuity - 20%
Aedile Tali Sroka Proconsul Wulfram Armis
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Some issues noted in the comments. Rationale: Some issues noted in the comments.
Aedile Tali Sroka's Score: 3.6 Proconsul Wulfram Armis's Score: 2.8
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Through a debris laden chamber, one Gray Jedi focused, while various small creatures roamed between the smaller statues, but his basalt eyes remained intent upon the largest statue. He investigated the statue of the Sith-pureblood, intrigued by the damage done to it and wondered just what secrets his Master had gleaned here. Echoes played in the halls as someone approached in haste. The failed student pulled his age-worn cloak over blackened armor and turned to face the arrival as she entered, his hand settled upon the white blaster beneath. Last he met with his Master's other students it had played out lethally.

Tali actively moved through the temple halls as her golden eyes scanned through sections of the familiar green lit hallways. She attempted to guide the hunters on her heel to the central chamber, there she would easily escape them and set a trap to even the odds. She thought to ambush them, use the unexpected openness of the central chamber to her advantage, at the very least it would allow her to return fire back on the hunters. The Twi'lek could hear them as they shuffled, two turns behind her at most, but she continued to press on decidedly. Though the hallways were long and winding, she knew she had a limited amount of time to push forward. Her amaranth-colored hands reached up to adjust a worn cloak as the Knight furthered her journey inward.

She felt another being, mixed in the Force. Though it was slightly less powerful than herself, she could feel that it searched for something. What bothered her was that it had gotten ahead of her into the central chamber. To turn back now meant she failed and would have to press through four hunters, to press on meant she faced another Force wielder.

She played both scenarios out in her mind before she pressed forward and drew upon her mental reserve as she approached the other Jedi.

"It seems we all end up going back to the past that defined us, don't we?" Wolfe questioned as his silhouette turned towards hers.

There was a darkness to Wolfe's eyes, an unsatiated hunger, it was exacerbated by the twilight and contrasted by the marked bolts of lightning. Set apart from him were her golden eyes, captured in the same storm. His baritone voice echoed off of the cold stone before escaping into the violet sky and created an uneasy atmosphere between the pair.

“Vhether or not ve seek to return, someone always seems to vant to drag us back, even if ve’re kicking and screaming,” Tali returned, eyes looking beyond the other Jedi to the mezzanine and the easiest escape from her current situation.

Thunder accented her words, a touch both Jedi sardonically grinned about. The beautiful young Twi’lek had hoped to catch the hunters unaware, to cripple their slave trading. Now she was forced into a situation she would rather avoid, and motioned to do so. The Knight built an image within her mind and willed it into existence with the Force as she fled. Ducking behind one of the myriad statues that lined the hall, three of Tali Sroka would burst out running in different directions with the real one headed up the debris for the mezzanine.

The strong-jawed human had come searching for answers, expecting to meet more of his class, so he was quick to draw his plastoid coated blaster. The SE-14r fired a sharp volley into the nearest of the illusions, seeming to strike, but so too scorching the earth some distance beyond. Cursing his foul luck the Acolyte turned on his heel to fire a volley at the one who was climbing, but she was in cover, and the third was darting through the bowing statues as if dancing between their sizable feet.

Darth Renatus, 11 July, 2017 11:43 PM UTC

Syntax

Through a debris laden chamber, one Gray Jedi focused, while various small creatures roamed between the smaller statues, but his basalt eyes remained intent upon the largest statue.

As a reader, this flows extremely awkwardly with the placement of the commas.

She thought to ambush them, use the unexpected openness of the central chamber to her advantage, at the very least it would allow her to return fire back on the hunters.

Same as above, really odd flow and usage of commas.

have to press through four hunters, to press on meant she faced another Force wielder.

Repetitious use of "press" without enhancing the story.


Story

Throughout this post, you use a lot of nameless references. Primarily "he, she". This can get hard to follow after a while, and more so it can get tiring for the reader. Change it up with references, such as "the Twi'lek".

You spend a lot of time trying to set the mood of the scene and some gets lost during this narrow focus. The combat and conflict of this post comes at the tail end, without much given to exactly why Wolfe attacks her. We know why Tali is fleeing, at the very least.


Realism

The Knight built an image within her mind and willed it into existence with the Force as she fled. Ducking behind one of the myriad statues that lined the hall, three of Tali Sroka would burst out running in different directions with the real one headed up the debris for the mezzanine.

At +2 Illusion, it requires Tali's partial concentration to create any illusions when not under duress, and to do so she would need to touch on the mind(s) of the people meant to see it. Neither happens here, as being chased in a mad dash certainly counts as duress. It would take more concentration and she never influences Wolfe's mind.

“I don’t vant to fight you!” the Twi’lek’s disembodied voice chimed from all around him, the sound bouncing off the broken statues and pillars in a disorienting pattern that made it next to impossible to pinpoint.

“Too bad, because I do!” the Human spat back as he fired off another volley into a lush-leaved plant, the bolts perforating the canopy with ease but failing to find their intended target. “Now come out and face me!”

Tali did her best not to pant too loudly while taking cover mere meters from her opponent. The moment’s respite was not wasted as she re-established her mental balance and felt her struggling connection to the Light grow stronger once more. The dark storm above and the Sith legacy of the temple were draining her faster than she had thought, and the long run to evade her pursuers had left her muscles aching and sore.

If this had to come to violence, she needed it to be quick and decisive. Yet, she had no desire to kill this man. She would have to get creative.

“If that is vhat you vish…” Tali sighed as booming thunder roared in the distance a few moments later. “But vouldn’t it be a bit more sporting if you put that blaster away first? Or are you too afraidt of being beaten by a girl?”

The suggestion of weakness tugged at the man’s pride, perhaps a bit firmer than usual, and with a derisive scoff he slid his blaster into its holster. No sooner had he done so than he realized the grave error of such a concession, hurriedly reaching to draw the weapon anew.

Emerging from behind the broken shins of an ancient Sith statue, Tali caught her foe with his proverbial pants around his ankles and made a dash towards him, intent on ending the duel before it began. The man realized his peril and backpedalled as quickly as he could, hand curling around the grip of his blaster pistol as the agile Twi’lek closed the distance. Her target leaned back to duck below her first fluid swing, and Tali spun her body around with lekku flailing to bring her saber in for another strike.

Barely managing to keep his head, Wolfe fired a shot in desperation, the blaster going off while still halfway inside its holster and burning a hole clean through it. Tali’s senses screamed a warning, and the former dancer staggered her attack in a surprisingly balanced motion to avoid the bolt that lashed between her thighs but losing the opportunity for her counter.

Fumbling for his saber, Wolfe squeezed off a short burst of fire at near point-blank-range, the Twi’lek’s spinning saber deflecting all but one shot, which she narrowly dodged by a hair’s breadth. Driven back by the flurry of plasma, Tali chose to put some distance between them, realizing she could not subdue him as easily as she’d thought.

Breaking away, she made a dash towards the crumbled pillars leaning against the mezzanine, deftly sprinting up the overgrown stone steps to reach the high ground. Having expected such an eventuality, Wolfe’s hand was already moving for the adhesive grenade dangling from his belt, ready to chuck it at the woman by the time she reached the top. He had her now.

The rustle of leaves and snapping of branches caught the attention of both duelists as a trio of men and one woman emerged into the chamber from the same tunnel Tali had.

“Well ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! Wot ‘ave we got ‘ere den?” the leader of the four hunters chuckled to himself as his fellows spread into a wider firing line, carrying repeating slugthrowers and what looked like a flame projector.

Standing on the mezzanine, Tali let out a deep breath as she closed her eyes and tugged on the Jedi’s mind. “If it’s a fight you vant, pick it vith them!”

The Twi’lek’s words sounded as much inside Wolfe’s head as outside, the suggestion that he would be better off fighting the hunters rather than their prey feeling somehow right in his mind. Without a further thought, he chucked the grenade at the leader and dived for cover.

Darth Renatus, 11 July, 2017 11:57 PM UTC

Syntax

Didn't catch anything. Not to say it's perfect, just nothing stood out.


Story

This was a smart play, getting into the action as best you could with the nature of the characters at play. Then you took the situation offered up by your opponent (the hunters) and used it to your advantage to throw a wrench in things.


Realism

The suggestion of weakness tugged at the man’s pride, perhaps a bit firmer than usual, and with a derisive scoff he slid his blaster into its holster. No sooner had he done so than he realized the grave error of such a concession, hurriedly reaching to draw the weapon anew.

This reads as Mind Trick. I was going to write it off as maybe the dark influence of the venue, but the paragraph in full makes little guess other than the Force Power. A minor hit here, as our system requires a gesture related to this power's use. You do this again without a gesture at the end of the post.


Continuity

Her target leaned back to duck below her first fluid swing, and Tali spun her body around with lekku flailing to bring her saber in for another strike.

When did her saber come into play? It is never mentioned before this swing. As far as the reader is concerned, it isn't even active.

Tali Sroka’s words reverberated in Wolfe’s head as he lobbed the grenade into the crowd of slavers, his attention focused solely on the group as they rounded behind what sparse cover they found. They attempted to find solace at the foot of one of the bowed statues and met with a sudden burst of foam adhesive that bound a pair of them to the spot. The Gray Jedi marched forward his hands tightened around the cast-formed grips as he drew the blackened SE-14r from its holster and burst across the gap between them and himself.

The leader of the outfit and the lone female drew themselves up away from the others as the adhesive took hold. The woman’s outstretched hand grasped the flame projector and wrenched it from one of her stymied compatriots as the sounds of loose stones kicked through the courtyard. Her foot slammed into her leader’s arse to send him reeling forward, under the rubble that the approaching Jedi vaulted over while she pulled the ignition switch and sent a jet of flames towards the beguiled Wolfe. A shout escaped the woman the words lost under the squelch of the Model C-22 Flame Carbine.

Wolfe's instincts shouted for him to act, and his forearms pulled to his face so that the armor took the brunt of the flames. The already blackened armor seared once again as he came to a roll behind the assailants. His offset blasters focused while he called upon the Force to ease the burning along his jawline, as protrusions on his armors forearms had prevented perfect coverage. A cold, calculated stare metered the slavers as the woman with the flame projector turned to face the Gray Jedi turned once more, this time he was ready and pulled his trigger first.

The events that followed were concise and gave the parties involved reason to pause. As the trail of plasma left Wolfe's blaster, he built a subsequent wall before himself in the through the Force and braced for the shockwave. The plasma trail sailed through the air, through the plume of flames that the woman projected, and struck the fuel canister which caused it to detonate furiously. Her charred body fell back to the ground, steam rising from a mouth that had attempted to inhale in her final moments. The others lifted firearms but looked to their leader as he held his hand aloft.

"Wait, 'ere appears we gotta case o' friendly fire. We got no reason ta quarrel wit'ya Dark Jedi types. Girlie there is a contract, run'way child slave. Momma sol' 'er off, twice, an' she din't take to it either time," he called out from beneath the scorched rubble a few steps from the corpse of his compatriot he continued to speak, but Wolfe tuned him out.

Something within the Gray Jedi stirred at these words, his grip on the blasters loosened and he looked to the pair caught in the adhesive as it broke down. Slavery, it was something his Master had been opposed to even though he believed in the principles of ruling over others, he refused to believe in ownership of another being. It was a common philosophical debate when was being educated. To rule a people was not to own them, but guide them, to assert strength or influence and have them do as was needed but to allow them their own individual freedoms. To own another being was to take away all choices they had in life, to rob them of their potential, their strength, and their ability to surpass stagnant systems, such were their master's beliefs. That was the gift he had trained each student with, the inner strength to overcome. His Master would not have purchased a Slave, perpetuating the system he despised. This girl was not another one of His students, but she too deserved her freedom.

"What'ya say?" The slaver asked as Wolfe opened his eyes and looked up at the Mezzanine, awoken from her hypnotism, his focus settling on Tali along with the barrel of his plastoid coated repeater.

A single shot fired towards Tali, missing intentionally before the black blaster fired into the gut of the criminal which resulted in three, wet, thumps and the smell of scorched viscera.

"Run, we fight fair next time. No sabers, no mind tricks. No freedom on the line." Wolfe called out to the former slave, diving into the last remaining slavers with amplified speed and drawn vibroblades.

Darth Renatus, 12 July, 2017 12:29 AM UTC

Syntax

A shout escaped the woman[,] the words lost under the squelch of the Model C-22 Flame Carbine.

Should have a comma here.

His offset blasters focused while

Focused on what? How?

turned to face the Gray Jedi turned once more

Repetition that causes a grammatical slip-up. The second "turned" is probably a remnant of proofing.

before himself in the through the Force

As with above, I believe this is an artifact of the proofing process.

philosophical debate when [he] was being educated.

Seems you missed a word here.

purchased a Slave

Capital is unnecessary here.

one of His students

Did someone suddenly become a deity?

"What'ya say?" The slaver asked

Should be a lower case on "the", since this is the same structure as "he said, she said". Same sentence.


Story

leader as he held his hand aloft [...] he called out from beneath the scorched rubble a few steps from the corpse of his compatriot

Imagery doesn't work very well here. It's actually distracting. He held his hand aloft in such a way to signal a cease fire from under rubble?

This story is about Wolfe and Tali. You get tunnel vision on the NPCs that showed up. Tali, in fact, disappears from this story until the last couple sentences. That's a huge misplay. You lost the actual fight and turned it into something else.


Realism

Wolfe's instincts shouted for him to act, and his forearms pulled to his face so that the armor took the brunt of the flames. The already blackened armor seared once again as he came to a roll behind the assailants.

Even without dwelling on the ACC rule that armor acts as cosmetics in the majority of ways that matter (mainly damage resistance). You had minor burning on his jawline, but that's about the extent of it. Not to mention that at +2 it takes more concentration than depicted here (rule of thumb is +3 for most powers to be "middle of combat" ready) to use Control Self. Something should be on fire.

The plasma trail sailed through the air, through the plume of flames that the woman projected, and struck the fuel canister which caused it to detonate furiously.

This is a hell of a precise shot in the middle of battle for +1 Blasters. I'd double check the wiki for Skills and Force Powers. (you can get there faster by clicking on the skill on your sheet)


Continuity

Tali Sroka’s words reverberated in Wolfe’s head as he lobbed the grenade into the crowd of slavers, his attention focused solely on the group as they rounded behind what sparse cover they found. [...] The Gray Jedi marched forward [...]

Two things here. You kind of relive the ending to the last post, repeating the same events with the words and the grenade. Then you disregard the fact that Wolfe was written as diving for cover as the very last line. You have him striding forward as if he never moved.

“Grenade!” the hunters cried out in unison, their leader promptly diving aside to avoid the blast. The grenade detonated with a hollow crack, spilling adhesive chemicals that ensnared the squad leader in place while his comrades opened fire on the fleeing Jedi.

Solid rounds ricocheted off the ancient remains of a basalt Sith’s robes, chipping away at the statue. The man holding the flame projector steadied his aim and depressed the trigger, the pilot flame flickering for a moment before a brilliant gout of flame erupted from the weapon’s stubby nozzle and arced across the courtyard.

Wolfe leapt from his cover as the flames splashed behind him, the burning fuel soaking the hem of his cloak and setting it ablaze. Darting forward, a staccato of automatic fire traced his steps as the gunmen adjusted their aim to follow.

A black lightsaber slammed into the closest man’s chest, knocking the wind from him as the basalt blade snapped in twain from the impact. Staggered, the man fell to his knees while his comrade stared at him in shock, failing to notice the incoming arm that followed. The statue piece racked her in the head, smacking the helmet off her as the Correllian slumped unconscious upon her comrade.

Before Tali could muster enough focus to hurl another piece, however, the third hunter aimed the flame projector at her with a sadistic grin. The roaring stream of flame rose across the gloomy courtyard, illuminating the overgrown plaza though failing to fully banish the most persistent of shadows.

Like her fellow Jedi, the Twi’lek saw it best to dodge the attack and threw herself down from the mezzanine, vaulting over the edge and landing with a roll on a patch of soft-looking moss. A sharp crack and a lancing pain flared through her mind as her ankle twisted at an unnatural angle, the treacherous moss hiding a jagged crack in the floor.

Painfully stumbling forward, she managed to throw herself behind the bulk of an overgrown pillar before turning her focus inward and to her sprained ankle. Without her mobility, she was as good as dead.

“Get her, get her now!” the leader spat as the adhesive chemicals began to melt around him, their grasp on his body yielding as the bonds between molecules broke down in a cascading reaction. Twisting his body free of the last remains of the gooey adhesive, he turned in time to stare into the ice-grey eyes of his executioner as Wolfe pulled the trigger on his blaster.

A pair of neat holes burned through to his back. The hunter stared in dumbfound shock at the Jedi before collapsing into the disintegrating goop, Wolfe dashing past him towards the remaining hunter.

Hearing the shots, the last trooper slewed his weapon around, the pilot flame flickering to life as he zeroed in on the charging Jedi. Wolfe felt power surging through his muscles as he sprinted at inhuman speed towards his foe, but it was not enough. The trooper flashed a sadistic grin as he depressed the trigger.

“Hey! What the…?” The man yelped as the weapon’s nozzle suddenly yanked upwards, the stream of burning liquid projected high over its intended mark and raining down behind the avenging Jedi. He did not manage a further sound as Wolfe’s lightsaber savagely lopped his head from his shoulders, the man and his weapon clattering uselessly upon the stone floor.

Turning his gaze to the right, Wolfe saw the Twi’lek leaning against the pillar, steadying herself after the exhaustive manipulation of the trooper’s gun, before collapsing down from overwhelming fatigue.

Advancing cautiously towards the Twi’lek, Wolfe rounded the pillar’s shattered base and saw the woman lying on her back. Her body was bruised and her ankle twisted, eyes only barely focused.

“Please… just, let me go,” she murmured hoarsely.

He looked down on her injured form and shook his head, taking off the half-burned cloak and tossing it to her. “Hmph, fine. I’ll leave you alone,” he muttered dismissively, turning away towards the remains of the temple.

The screech of a nocturnal predator swooping at him from the right caused him to flinch. The appearance was so sudden he failed to sense the warning of another, actual, threat as the stun bolt struck him in the flank.

“Yes, yes you vill,” Tali muttered as she rose to her feet and holstered her blaster, the illusory screeches fading into the aether.

Darth Renatus, 12 July, 2017 12:39 AM UTC

Syntax

the pilot flame flickering for a moment before a brilliant gout of flame

Repetition of "flame" without enhancing the story. You use it several more times.


Story

The trooper flashed a sadistic grin

Does he do this every time he flames someone? I recall two instances thus far.

While you still had the conflict between the two combatants as a means of wrapping up the fight, it still feels like too much focus was spent on battling the Hunter NPCs than the actual bout this should be about. Additionally, the motivations (at least in Wolfe's case) are superficial. Why, after being the one to open fire in the first place, would he just give her a cloak and walk off? It's not explained to the reader.


Realism

“Yes, yes you vill,” Tali muttered as she rose to her feet and holstered her blaster, the illusory screeches fading into the aether.

With the tiredness described at this point, it runs counter to the requirements of +2 Illusion. While I can see such a thing as being possible, her effort in enacting it should be depicted. Minor error.