Seer Mune Cinteroph vs. Privateer Keiji Suoh

Seer Mune Cinteroph

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Privateer Keiji Suoh

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Togruta, Mercenary, Hunter
Comment

This match was interesting to read because it really was a tale of two swordsman clashing against one another. Both writers did a very good job of writing a melee duel. My notes are mostly focused on the technical aspects of the ACC, and the story grades reflect a good but not outstanding command of telling the story between the clash of steel. Keiji was more consistent and accurate to the ACC and CS's, making his posts easier to read despite some syntax issues present. Mune, on the other hand, actually had some very good description of blade movement and melee engagement. The repeated errors in syntax, however, made it difficult to enjoy these sequences.

In the end, the errors that Mune makes, especially calling Keiji by quite literally the wrong name (consistently) for his entire Final Post place this as a victory for Keiji.

-W

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Mune Cinteroph, Privateer Keiji Suoh
Winner Privateer Keiji Suoh
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Mune Cinteroph's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Privateer Keiji Suoh's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kashyyyk: Rainforest Canopies
Last Post 12 July, 2017 10:32 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Repeated errors with comma splices and awkward phrasing that made it difficult to read certain sentences without stopping and having to decipher them. Rationale: I highlighted some, but a bunch of grammatical errors and awkward wording that breaks up the flow of your writing.
Story - 40%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your action detail was very good. I really got a sense for the sword play and positions of the duel itself. Beyond that, there wasn't much touching on the character personalities or how they were different or similar in anyway, and nothing stood out to me as noteworthy or engaging. Rationale: You did a good job setting up a reason for the fight. Your action was there, but it took a lot of time to build up to it. The ending was straight forward and while there was nothing really wrong here, nothing stood out to me as exciting or engaging.
Realism - 25%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Keiji Suoh
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: A few small things add up here: 1. Saying that Mune has "superior" speed without using the Force. 2. Calling the opponent the wrong name consistently for the Final Post 3. You have Mune looking for a weakness in armor, but armor is cosmetic and wouldn't be an issue in the match. Rationale: No issues that I found.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Keiji Suoh
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Rationale: No issues I found.
Adept Mune Cinteroph's Score: 3.2 Keiji Suoh's Score: 3.9
Posts

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

The wild planet of Kashyyyk is known to be home to the gentle, but short-tempered race of Wookiees. Wild and untamed, the lush, wroshyr tree-filled forests form a multi-layered deathtrap. The local wildlife presenting more dangers as one descends towards the forest floor. However, as one ascends the vertical environment, the danger of falling increases until one comes in contact with the Wookiee settlements. Fauna and flora flourish in delight, growing within dirt pockets in the crevices of the trees. Some of these plants are carnivorous, becoming larger and deadlier closer to the forest floor. Others have some form of consciousness, able to communicate with the Wookiees to give some understanding of their use.

Kashyyyk Rainforest Canopies

Above the Wookie settlements rests the wild rainforest canopies. Within the crevices of the trees, empty fruit and rotting shells from seeds show the spring season has ended. A soft wind whistles between the thick vines and shrubs that stick to the trunks of the ancient and sleeping giants. Despite the never-ending lack of footholds aside from the branches of wroshyr trees, a series of abandoned and rotting platforms are suspended a hundred meters above the surface, once home to its own Wookiee settlement. Overgrown and decayed, it has since nourished countless plants and trees with their outstretched branches sheltering the dense and soft floor from the extreme sun rays and torrential rain. Upon closer inspection unusual signals become noteable. Moss carpets particular areas on the platforms and nowhere else, and tree-dwelling animals and birds never seem to land on the surface.

Tread carefully, or fall whim to the creatures that inhabit this terrain.

Mune’s ears cocked slightly to the side. On the lower platforms of this settlement, was a less professional tavern. A place where one could spend credits… and earn it. Sounds of fist meeting flesh met the Human hybrid’s ears, guiding his path to the establishment. A signless door meet his eyes and as he pushed it open, sounds of a band grew louder in his canine ears. The tavern was quite large actually, and dead center of it was a ring. This must be where one can earn credits, Mune thought as he watched the current spectacle inside while taking a seat.

Much like the bar, the ring was part of the hollowed out tree. A slightly raised platform with rows of wooden poles around them. Thick, lush vines were woven in and out of each platform, giving the ring the appearance of something like a boxing ring. A fairly decent size all around, possibly due to the size of the native inhabitants. Inside the ring already, a shirtless Togruta had just grabbed a wookie by the head and brought its face into his knee. The wookie collapsed with a trickle of blood coming out of its nose. Shouts of victory and loss rang from around the bar. The Togruta hurled himself over the ring and collected his winnings.

Keiji smiled as he took a seat next to a strange looking human. He ordered a drink as he shifted his attention to the new comer.

“First time here?” Keiji asked as he waited for his drink. The Privateer was fairly certain he hadn’t seen this patron before.

“Indeed. Impressive you beat a wookie,” Mune retorted back. A closer glance at the Togruta in front of him revealed that he had also taken a beating. Bruises were already forming on his chest and arms, but Keiji seemed almost unfazed by it. “Don’t those hurt?”

Keiji looked down at the injuries and shrugged. “I’ll take something to help if settle down. As for the wookie, he was a young one. Older ones with more experience would have been harder to beat.” Keiji answered uninterested. Although the wounds throbbed a bit, it was nothing compared to what he had done to his opponent. The Privateer’s eyes suddenly caught glimpse of the blades hanging by his hips. “Oh my god, you’re a blade user.”

“You have an issue with that?” Mune snapped at the fellow patron.

“Not at all,” Keiji said patting his own sword that was next to his seat, “Just glad to meet someone who appreciates the art.” Keiji thought about asking him for a sparring match. No betting, just a nice draw to first blood. “How about a match?”

“A match?” The Human asked with curiosity. These could always go two ways, great or horribly wrong. Mune was confidant in his abilities with a sword and need be, he could always use a little bit of Force to help himself if he really needed to.

“Just a small first blood draw. Nothing major.” Keiji said downing the drink he ordered and grabbing his crimson sword. He walked over to the ring and hopped over the vines.

Is this worth it? Mune thought as he followed suit and waited at the edge. Keiji drew the crimson blade and tossed his sheath out of the ring to one of the nearby viewers. The Human in response to this threw himself into the ring and drew both his blades. For a moment they merely stared at each other, watching out of the corner of their eyes people placing bets. Then in a rush Keiji dashed forward, blade cutting downwards. Mune merely side-stepped and attempted his own strike with both blades. Keiji caught both blades on his own, the sound of steel striking steel rang through the whole tavern.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 4:59 PM UTC

On the lower platforms of this settlement, was a less professional tavern.

comma not needed.

A place where one could spend credits… and earn it.

and earn them.

These could always go two ways, great or horribly wrong.

comma doesn't work here.

The vibration ran up their arms, the ring of steel on steel a violent song within their ears. Steel slid along steel, separated, only to kiss once more. The resonant sound rang truer than any shout or cry of excitement from the surrounding patrons. Cheers and jeer faded from the consciousnesses of two artists.

Mune dropped his weight back onto his right foot. A pivoting motion, he dropped his center of gravity and felt a horizontal slash from the katana pass directly overhead. His eyes missed nothing. He dexterously reversed the grip on his right hand sword and brought it up to catch the blade as it came at him again. The force of the blow rang savage in the Hybrid’s ears. The tremor in his right arm told of the strength behind the attack

“You’re strong,” Mune muttered.

“Good of you to notice, my friend.”

It was only thanks to the reversed grip that the Togruta did not land the blow on his arm, the flat of his blade protecting him. Keiji slid his sword free of the Seer’s in a cacophony of ringing metal. He gave the katana a spin and slashed diagonally, aiming to take Mune at the hip. The dual wielding fighter however brought both blades down in time to catch the blow. He noticed the other man wince. He made to push the attack, putting his weight against the twin swords in the awkward block.

Money was passed around, wagers changed. Mune’s eyes narrowed, he felt the increased weight against the katana. He is better with a blade than you. He is also stronger. The Seer shifted his footing and pushed back on his opponent’s weapon, using other man’s momentum to push away from him to gain some breathing room. The slash finished its arc a hair’s breadth from cutting fabric.

“You’re quick,” Keiji noted aloud.

“Good of you to notice, my friend.”

What came next was a quick succession of attacks. Keiji slashed in vicious arcs. His attacks could easily cleave a limb, they both knew it. Mune ducked and weaved, using his superior speed and awareness to keep the blade from claiming blood or limb. He deflected now and then, the ring of steel drawing excited cries from the crowd set on seeing one of them bleed. It was clear the popular money was on Keiji and his superior skills with the sword. Both men were sweating. Mune’s eyes never looked away from his attacker. He studied every movement.

When an opening presented, Mune reversed the grip of his left sword and slammed the pommel of his sword into the bruise that had set into the man’s chest from his previous encounter.

The pain erupted radiated outwards. A grunt escaped the Togruta. As quickly as the fox eared man had struck, he was again back out of reach. There were jeers at what to the crowd was a cheap trick.

“Need I remind you that this is to first blood? You can take my arm off with your attacks.” Mune straightened up with one sword reversed again and the other levelled at his opponent.

Keiji breathed hard, pushing the pain back with pure resolve. “I would not come at you so strong if I did not believe you could handle it,” The Togruta argued with a friendly chuckle.

Mune was not laughing however. Keep it up and I’ll put you down, the Hybrid thought in annoyance.

Keiji caught his breath. He had to admit to being impressed by the honorable holding back of the other warrior while he regained his composure. In a sign of being once again ready, he raised his katana parallel to the floor of the ring. Cheers once more went up.

Mune moved. Keiji twisted, barely catching and deflecting a thrust of the other’s attacking blade. He switched quickly to a one handed grip in the same motion and drew a throwing dagger. Distracted by his own action, he did not see Mune release his second sword until he made to plunge the dagger into the meat of the other fighter’s thigh.The fox eared man acted on reflex, his weight thus shifted to drop his knee. He grabbed the wrist of the dagger wielding hand in the hand he only just freed up.

“Cheating?” Mune queried with an impish grin.

“I said first blood. I am just getting creative.”

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 5:24 PM UTC

Steel slid along steel, separated, only to kiss once more.

You just said steel on steel, so this is a bit redundant imagery.

The tremor in his right arm told of the strength behind the attack

missing period.

Mune’s eyes narrowed, he felt the increased weight against the katana.

comma splice

Mune ducked and weaved, using his superior speed and awareness to keep the blade from claiming blood or limb.

I wouldn't call +2 Athletics vs +3 athletics that superior. The advantage Mune has is +4 amplification, but you don't indicate that he's using it.

The pain erupted radiated outwards.

and

Keiji shifted the throwing dagger in his hands so that it lay between his middle and index finger. With a powerful curl of the fingers, he low range threw it at his opponent. Mune was quick to pull out of the way, making the thrown weapon cut the black hoodie on a sleeve he wore.

The shifting of Mune’s weight allowed Keiji to place force on the Human’s thumb that held his wrist. In one swift motion, the grip released around his wrist and his hand drew back to the crimson katana. Keiji watched the wound hoping for blood, yet nothing came. He’s faster than I thought. Gonna have to cut off his ability to move around, Keiji thought as he took stance again.

Mune picked back up his blade with a spin and focused back on his opponent. The Togruta moved forth blade at the side ready to swipe at him. As he focused on the blade, he saw Keiji stop and do a wide chest high sweeping kick, which upon missing then went for a similarly high kick straight at the torso. Both attempted strikes missed, but in dodging the attacks, Mune was brought closer to a corner of the ring. Keiji now blocked out his passages. Not liking where this is going, Mune thought as he blocked a strike aiming at his leg. The might behind these swings were now starting to grow tougher to block as this fight wore on. Any attempt to dash to the side and get around the tall Togruta was met with a knee to the stomach, causing Mune to reel back and be further pushed in. A sick grin started to form on the edge of Keiji’s lips.

Mune’s entire demeanor changed as his back was now against the ring. Fear and preservation kicked in and blood started to rush into every muscle. Fueled by this sudden boost, Mune went on the offensive. His strikes struck harder with each blow, causing Keiji to raise an eyebrow. Each pair of strikes was met with a block that just barely kept up. Then Mune came in with a diagonal cut from below. Keiji blocked with ease, but found only one clang. He then saw coming from the exact opposite side of the same angle, the other blade was coming. The Togruta dragged his blade slightly up and butted the flat end of the blade with his hilt. This surprised both members. Keiji instinctively leaped back and got into a defensive stance. As the Human was about to move into another flurry of blows, his opponent started to laugh and then gave a sharp whistle. The hilt that held Keiji’s blade flew back to him, and the crimson sword went back to rest in its home. Mune stood there slightly confused as the primal instinct left him.

“Why’d you stop?” the Human asked as he still held his blades at the ready. This could have been a trick to lower his defenses and strike when distracted.

“This was a match to first blood, was it not?” Keiji chuckled tapping his arm near shoulder height. There against his pale skin, was the unmistakable color of blood which flowed from a thin wound. “Apparently my hilt strike to your blade didn’t push the sword far enough away and it nicked me in the arm. Good match. Hopefully we can do this again, when I’m not as injured anyway.” With that Keiji hopped over the ropes, picked up the rest of his gear, and left the establishment. The sound of money exchanging hands and cheers of victory and cries of loss called out again in the bar. Another human male tossed Mune a small sack full of credits for his victory. He simply stood there confused for a moment as the tavern went back to its normal self. A place to make and spend money. I like this place, Mune thought with a smile as he left the ring himself.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 5:34 PM UTC

The Togruta moved forth blade at the side ready to swipe at him.

comma needed here.

He then saw coming from the exact opposite side of the same angle, the other blade was coming.

clunky action description

“Is that we are calling it now?” Mune queried with a grin turned wry.

Reiji laughed, he tugged his wrist back firmly, causing the Hybrid to stumble. The Togruta thrust the dagger forward to take Mune in the shoulder. The Seer dropped his shoulder and both met bodily with Mune’s shoulder driven into his ribs. Reiji grit his teeth, the bruises he had earned sending throbs of discomfort through his nerves.

Mune focussed, the Force drawn upon and forged into blunt force to slam into the man’s gut at their rather intimate proximity. Reiji felt the blow like solid block slamming into his abdomen. The air erupted from his lungs. Stars danced before his vision. The man endured, stumbling back but a step. Mune blinked in surprise, straightening up and eyeing the winded Togruta. “Wow… you really are tough!” Mune exclaimed with a sheepish grin. The part-human took a moment to pick up his second blade and moved in.

The crowd was jeering noisily. They were the furthest thing on the Dark Jedi’s mind. He moved in to claim his victory, with a slash aimed to wound the shoulder of his opponent. His intentions were dashed, forced rather to jerk sides when a throwing dagger whipped passed. Strands of his platinum blond hair fluttered to the ground, so close had the thrown weapon come. Mune twisted and blinked in surprise at the weapon protruding from the wall behind the crowd at his back.

“You are taking this far too seriously,” Mune noted calmly.

The Arcanist’s attention shifted back to the Togruta’s in time to sidestep a vertical slash of the man’s katana. This guy is not playing games, Mune thought, again dodging the man’s next vicious katana swing.

He has height, and weight, well above your own, Mune’s mind quickly calculated. His physical strength and endurance are likewise advanced compared to your own.

A yelp almost escaped his lips, as a particularly brutal slash rang from his swords catching his opponent’s. The vibration nearly numbed his fingers. Mune’s eyes narrowed, alight with battle induced fever. He ducked the next attack, noting the man’s shift in weight. He felt the blade’s passing, the softest of currents upon the air overhead. He somersaulted back, spun his two blades once then moved in. He did not let the man readjust his balance upon completion of the previous attempt at slashing the Seer open.

Mune thrust, his blade was dodged. He slashed, a wicked motion of the second blade. Reiji parried. Mune spun, his first blade rending the air. Reiji had to move quick to block, the sound of steel rang clear. Mune pressed, a thrust, a slash, a high arc and a low stab. Reiji found himself being pressed back, unbeknownst to him that the Dark Jedi had refocused the Force to amplify his advantage of speed to make it his greatest advantage against the much larger and stronger foe.

Reji slashed, Mune wove his body around the attack. Reiji kicked, Mune hopped the attempt and delivered a knee to the man’s hip. They exchanged blows, either blocked, parried or dodged completely. Mune’s calculation told him he would burn out well before the bigger man, and so could only deduce that he had to end the fight sooner rather than later.

“Time’s up,” Mune muttered.

He moved in, sidestepped a vertical cut. He used his amplified speed to get within the man’s defense. He as quickly pinpointed the the joint of the man’s armour. The Force warned of an impending blow. Mune was already moving. He somersaulted under the blow, his blade flashing out in an arc of crimson. Reiji grunted and dropped to a knee. Blood ran from the opened armour at the back of his knee.

“A superficial wound. Nicely executed.” The large man laughed and grinned devilishly at the fellow swordsman. “You drew blood, it is your win today.”

Mune’s breathing came hard and ragged, his hair matted with sweat. “Well fought. You are certainly a brute…”

“The name is Reiji Suoh.”

“Mune Cinteroph.”

There were curses from the gamblers in the crowd, while the winners cheered and went to spending their winnings on drink. Mune and Reiji rose, Reiji with slightly more trouble. They shook hands, a grin plastered upon both their faces. Friends, for the night, and certainly a number of drinks.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 5:52 PM UTC

Reiji laughed, he tugged his wrist back firmly, causing the Hybrid to stumble.

So, aside from the terrible syntax here, who is Reji? I thought this was as typo, but you carry it through the rest of the post. Your opponent in the match and story, and their CS, is "Keiji." Is this Keiji's evil twin?

You then go on to call him Reiji the entire match. This is a realism error, because it does not align with his character sheet. You also get a continuity mark because you called him Keiji (correctly) in your first post.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 15 July, 2017 5:56 PM UTC

He somersaulted back, spun his two blades once then moved in.

comma splice again

He as quickly pinpointed the the joint of the man’s armour

armor is cosmetic, so he wouldn't need to slip past it.