Twerpfart City
Kingdom of Ralf the Flatulent
Benn and his brother Gegryck looked at the local bounty board and then grinned at each other.
“Goblins? Really These wankers can’t kill goblins?” Gegryck snorted, hawking a glob of phlegm into the nearby horse trough.
“Must you do that? You know how disgusting I find that habit of yours,” Benn responded sighing. “Yes, apparently these poor folk cannot fend off some goblins.”
Gegryck read the board again. “Whatcher thinkin’? We go and rescue the miners and then save der poor, grateful daughters from their virgi-”
“GEG! What is your problem? You went through all the brothels in Vindaloo, Pan-ty-girdal and then here as well. Does nothing sate that libido of yours?” Benn interrupted. “Give it a rest will you?”
“I hafta make up fer you, my oh so pious and proper brother. Da would shite his coffin if he knew what ye had turned inta’, ye Paladin wannabe.” Gegryck mumbled, chastised.
Benn glared at his older brother and then rolled his eyes. “C’mon, it says we can find more information from someone named Lord Stinkypitts at city hall.”
The two ambled off, looking around the squalid town as they went. Finally coming upon a ramshackle building in the center of town. A crude “City Hall” sign hanging over the door.
Entering they looked around and spotted an obease slob of a man snoring behind a desk. Drool dribbled from his mouth and flies crawled in and out of his hair and the ripped seams of his clothing.
Gegryck kicked the desk and the man awoke with a snort. “OY! We’re here about the goblins.” He yelled.
“What! Goblins, where? Whoozit? *buuurrrrrp* Wha Goblins?” The man stammered rising to his feet. “Who, who, ‘scuse me, whr I put tha’ bottle?”
Digging around in his desk the portly man smiled as he grabbed a large bottle of something that smelled like apples. “Here’s mud up your nose!” he toasted and then took a huge drink of the brandy.
Putting the bottle back he turned and looked at the two men before him. “Now, *burrrrp* Sorry, now what can I do for you and your goblins?”
Benn stepped back from the breath of the foul smelling man. “The bounty board said to see you Lord Stinkypitts about a reward and information concerning a nearby mine with goblins in it and some missing miners?”
“Oh, right, right, um, bounty reward, yeah,” Lord Stinkypitts mumbled. “Ri-, *hic* right. You nee’ ta killem’, all of them. An then bring the goblins back. No,*hic* no thash not right, kill the goshblins and bring the people back. Yeah, yeah, you *hic* you, you get your money then.”
Benn and Gegryck looked at each other and then nodded. “10,000 gold, right?” Benn asked.
“Yesh, thash rite.” the corpulent lord answered. “10 thoushan gold.”
“Fine , put that in writing and we’ll take care of your wee problem.” Gegryck smiled, handing the man a paper, ink and quill.
Lord Stikypitts scribbled the sum and his scrawl across the sheet of parchment. Then affixed his ring seal to a blob of wax on the bottom of it.
Benn grabbed it up, read it and put it away in a pouch for safe keeping. Nodding to the lord, he turned and walked out of the filthy building.
“Gods, I feel like I need a bath now. That was truly disgusting.” Benn huffed as he headed off toward the mine on the outskirts of town.
Passing the livery where their horses were staying Gegryck glanced at it as they walked by. "Not gettin' the 'orses?"
Benn shook his head. "No, the mine isn't far, and the horses can't go into it. Besides, you look like you could use the exercise." He laughed.
"Wha? Sod you! I'm fit as a man can be!" Gegryck squawked, his dander getting up.
Benn smiled, looking at his brother out of the corner of his eye. "Temper, brother, temper. All the Kingdom of Flatulence knows the amazing strength of Gegryck Nevis. Your ego is getting the better of you."
Gegryck stopped his posturing and sulked at his younger brother's tone. "Foin, jes you wait brother, one day, one day I'll be very famous. An all the ladies will want to love me."
Just then an elderly man hobbled up to the two. Wheezing and gasping he tried to stammer out something.
"Calm yourself elder, what is your hurry?" Benn said, placing his hands on the old man's shoulders.
"You are, *gasp*, heading to the mines, *gasp, gasp*, yes? To kill the goblins? Yes?" The old man finally gasped out.
"Whatchit to ya?" Gegryck asked, putting his hand on his pistol crossbow.
"Be warned! 5 and 9 adventures have ventured to that mine, none have returned! None I say. The mine is haunted, I tell you!" the elder cried, gripping Gegryck's armor and shaking him.
Benn separated the two and pushed the old man away. "Calm yourself grandfather, we have heard all the stories. We shall be fine."
“You young fools, there is evil there I tell you spooks, goblins, evil!” He wheezed, collapsing onto a nearby bench.
“Let’s go before he gets riled up again,” Gegryck muttered, pulling at his brother's sleeve.
Moving quickly away from the old man, the two men headed out of town and into the woods along the road to the mine.
After traveling about an hour they came to the area where the mine was located. There were goblins sleeping around the opening, many goblins. Filth and reek were mostly what was to be found. The goblin stench of feces, the funk of unwashed dirty under shorts and rancid breath were overpowering. A noxious green mist floated near the creatures making the men’s eyes water and blink.
Backing away they hunkered down and tried to figure out a way to deal with the smell and all the monsters present.
“This is not what i expected,” Benn whispered. “I wonder if a magic missile would ignite the gasses and crisp them. I have a spell on a parchment we could use.”
“Try it! Aim for the opening. I should roast all those stinky little freaks.” Gegryck encouraged.
Benn rummaged around in his hip pouch and found the small bone scroll holder. “As far as I know, all I have to do is read it.”
“What? No spell components? Guano? Sulphur? Wax? Nothing?” Gegryck whispered back surprised.
“I don’t know, I’ve never used a spell scroll before. When I got it I was told I just had to read it and it would work.” Benn said shrugging his broad shoulders. “Here goes nothing.”
Unrolling the scroll Benn squinted at the odd magic language. Figuring out the sounds in his head he took a deep breath and spoke the words. "Klaatu barada nikto, Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee, Wingardium Ala Peanutbutter sandwiches!”
Nothing happened and Gegryck looked at his brother like he was crazy. “What in all the Gods names was tha’? Are ye kidding me?”
Benn stared at the paper wide eyed, then looked at Gegryck. “I don’t know, I just read it!”
Suddenly the paper began to smoulder, sparks shot out of it and it began to whistle.
Awoken by the noise, the goblins began to stir and look about. Spotting the flashes and smoke they charged the brother’s hiding spot.
Throwing the scroll towards the oncoming goblins, they backed away as a huge flaming orb appeared and streaked towards the cave. Charring the onrushing goblins and setting the air on fire. It entered the cave and then exploded.
The world went blinding white as the gasses in the tunnel ignited. For miles around everything was flattened and turned into jam from the shock wave. Fires raged out of control, the air an inferno of stinky fire.
Then rumbling, what was left of the mountain over the mine collapsed in on itself.
Two shimmering figures appeared amongst the debris of the area.
“Benn? Are you sure that was a magic missile spell?” One asked, fading away.
“Ummm now that you mention it…” and the other was gone.