Astralis wasn’t the best at sneaking, being two meters tall tended to make stealth a tertiary option at best. He crouched behind the trunk of a star palm tree to pause and listen. The heat didn’t make this any easier, nor did the rugged terrain of Mount Tantiss. After retrieving the Holocrons relic he was after, he had left the tunnel system through the dilapidated barracks building and was immediately aware of other force-users nearby. He instantly froze and cast out his senses using the force. It wasn’t hard to miss the ridiculous number of life forms half a click away through the jungle; there were thousands. Only a half-dozen were force sensitives and none were a match for him, individually or most likely even as a group. But thousands of soldiers were not something he could deal with alone even on his best day. He snickered at the thought of trying to deflect several thousand blaster bolts at once. Despite the fact that he would only have to deal with a squad at most, he really didn’t want anyone to know he was here.

As his yacht was hidden four clicks away on the OTHER side of these soldiers, he quickly ran through his options. There was a relatively thin spot in the defensive perimeter they had set up and he decided to try and sneak by, undetected. Thirty minutes later he was done with stealth - he thought to himself it was best to know one’s own limitations. He was about three hundred meters from the thinned out portion of the lines when he stood and yawned. He’d been up for almost twenty four hours, and attempting to sneak when he was hot, tired, and two meters tall was obviously not the appropriate tactic.

Astralis yawned a second time, causing his eyes to water and redden. He removed his helmet to wipe the tears of exhaustion from his eyes and the sweat from his forehead. He cursed and decided that as soon as he returned to Aliso he would make the repairs to his armor a priority. The environmental controls should be much more effective than they currently were. A new plan came to Astralis as he yawned yet again. He sat down on a fallen log and sent out a telekinetic beacon, hoping one of the enemy would be attuned enough to detect his presence. He really needed a nap. He dozed on the log while he waited, but nobody came. With a heavy sigh, he looked around himself. The trees were shorter here than many areas nearby, so he emitted several bolts of force lightning upwards in upwards, arcing over and towards the soldiers. “Hey! You’re surrounded!” he yelled. “Don’t move!”

He lowered his hand, stretched out his legs in front of him with his right ankle crossing his left, and laid his chin on his chest. He was fully asleep when they arrived ten minutes later.

“On your feet, now!” the voice woke Astralis. He casually opened his eyes to assess the response he had solicited. Two full squads of what looked to be poor foot soldiers stood in a half-circle in front of him. He sensed four hidden behind him, surely with blaster rifles trained to his head.

“No problem” was his response as he pulled his legs underneath himself and stood, hands raised to each side. “ it looking for trouble”.

“Keep your hands up! You’re alone, did your team leave you? Who are you with?” The lieutenant had a nasal, annoying voice. At least it held a small amount of the confidence earned from leading men in combat.

“Not with anyone. You saw the force lightning so you know that I don’t generally run with a unit”

At that, a short robed figure stepped out from behind the large star palm to the right of the lieutenant. “Why are you here?” Asked the Jedi.

“Same reason as you, I’d think” Astralis didn’t give the Jedi a chance to respond before saying “I’m not going to offer any resistance, I just want to leave. I have traipsed through the jungle as long as I care to and the reward isn’t enough for me to continue. Have fun searching, I didn’t find a damn thing. Time for me to cut my losses and head back to Nar Shaddaa ”.

“We shall see” the Jedi raised his hand and Astralis felt the weak attempt to perform a stasis hold. He easily shrugged it off with his superior abilities; going slightly rigid and looking shocked.

“Release me!” Astralis shouted, keeping himself absolutely still.

The ruse worked and the Jedi squinted and closed his fingers slightly as his hand seemed to reach towards Astralis. “Bring him along” the Jedi commanded and two soldiers holstered their blaster pistols, starting towards Astralis. One reached and brought Astralis’ right hand down from the elbow since he couldn’t reach his wrist. Astralis allowed himself to be bound.

The lieutenant approached and whined “surrounded, are we?” with a snide grin. “Did you expect us to flee?” He didn’t wait for a response but threw back Astralis’ cloak to check for weapons. He found none. “Nice armor, Sith scum” the lieutenant finished his search and bent to retrieve Astralis’ helmet. “You are ill-prepared and ill-equipped. No surprise that your foolish attempt to retrieve the treasures of Mount Tantiss has failed.”

“Like I said, I’m done - giving up and going home. No resistance”.

“You’ll stay awhile. Master Lyzell will decide what is to be done with you”. Astralis yawned, a bit annoyed that his eyes teared up and reddened and he was unable to rub them. “Take him to base and put him in the cell” the lieutenant turned away and the two soldiers walked Astralis off through the jungle. The young and inexperienced Jedi led the way and in a few minutes, Astralis found himself in a not-so-rundown structure of the original base. He was placed into a forgotten cell beneath the facility at Mount Tantiss. The red laser screen hummed to life while Astralis rubbed his wrists where the stun cuffs had been. The three that had brought him here sat just outside. The Jedi padawan who had “captured” Astralis spoke.

“We are the Seekers of Light. You will wait here until tomorrow when Master Lyzell arrives. He will decide what to do with you”.

“As I’ve said, I am no threat - I just want to leave”. Astralis repeated. He didn’t expect less but he also just didn’t want to be bothered, so the less they said the better. He sat on the durasteel shelf that served as a bed in the small cell. He rotated to his left, swinging his feet up. He kicked an old clone commando helmet and several other pieces of trash off the end and laid back. He was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

After several hours of much-appreciated sleep, Astralis awoke. A quick survey revealed that only one soldier remained to guard him. He surveyed the call and the junk he had kicked off the bed. The helmet was just as he thought - no visor though. An old data pad that looked as if it hadn’t been functional in years. There was a small blaster with a huge and obvious crack in the power supply. A disused and rusty cybernetic hand and a utility belt with only two pouches. The belt was the standard issue for storm troopers. This junk was obviously thrown into the cell to clear the adjoining room’s desk. Astralis bent to retrieve the utility belt and checked the pouches. A small fusion cutter (looked to be a F-187) and a tiny hologram projector were in the first pouch. The second contained only a glowrod that flickered on and off periodically. Astralis thumbed the hologram projector on amd a miniature holographic Palpatine smiled and said ‘welcome to Mount Tantiss’ before glitching hard and repeating itself. He thumbed it off and tossed it in the corner. The sound alerted the sentry to the fact that Astralis was awake. The lackey turned and shouted at Astralis.

“Keep it down in there!”

Astralis laid aside the rest of the useless junk and arced lightning into the laser screen. The lightning popped and sizzled, and shorted out the screen. Without the red haze of the laser screen of the cell, the foot soldier paled quite noticeably. Before he could unholster his blaster pistol the poor sentry was struck in the chest by another blast of force lightning. Astralis held this one, gritting his teeth and pouring the force into it. The sentry died. Astralis left. When he got outside he checked his bearings and cast his senses towards his ship. The troops had moved off in the other direction, spread out to search the ruins. Astralis ran towards his ship, and stopped halfway there to retrieve his belongings from under the fallen log he had been “captured” on. He ran the rest of the way to his yacht. While running, he had the ship prepare for departure and once there, was able to quickly leave the horrible planet - WITH the Holocrons he’d been tasked to retrieve.

Astralis Violentus - scourge of the Nar Shada underworld - lay splayed out in the middle of the forest. An empty bottle of Famous Trovitte Corellian Whiskey rested in his outstretched, upward pacing palm. Arms spread wide, he appeared crucified into the forest floor. He was shirtless, and only his left foot still bore a boot. The right was nowhere to be seen. Vomit stained were present on both pants legs. His hair was matted and likewise reasonable drenched in vomit. He opened his aching eyes and coughed, the jolt of said cough sending a searing bolt of lightning right through the middle of his skull. He looked up at Furios, who somehow stood upright - yet was in a similar state. The tall, lean, and wiry Epicanthix wobbled slightly and then crashed to the ground, sending a puff of dust and dry autumn leaves pillowing up around him. Furios let out a grunt when he hit the ground. Astralis began to laugh then abruptly stopped as another lightning bolt shot across his forehead. The urge to piss was unbearable but Astralis decided not worth the risk and just let it go into his pants. Fuck it, he thought…can’t be worse than the puke. The warm fluid quickly drenched his pants but the relief in his lower abdomen was euphoric. Furios let out a huge sigh and Astralis turned his head towards his former master.

“Sorry, I tried” Furios said as he likewise released his bladder where he lay.

“Got further than I did. I didn’t even get vertical” Astralis laughed. They each lay there for awhile longer waiting for the damnable hammers to quit pounding in their heads. Astralis drew the Force to himself and quieted the aforementioned hammers. He drew a deep breath and stood up. He noticed that Furios had on his right boot but his left was gone. He looked around the clearing and then upwards. His own left boot was tied to Furios’ right and was dangling from a branch thirty meters up a tree. Furios appeared beside him while Astralis leaned forward, rubbing his eyes. The clearing around them was littered with at least twenty empty bottles, half of Astralis’ whiskey and the other half Furios’ vodka. What a night they must have had! “Okay, this is not acceptable” Astralis had gotten a whiff of either himself or Furios, he wasn’t sure which. Epicanthix urine did have a distinctive licorice smell, but then it was hard to decipher between the confit, urine, whiskey and vodka aroma that assailed his nostrils all at once. He cast his senses and smiled, the he and Furios bolted without a word, running as fast as they could off to their left. After forty seconds or so they leaped into the air and flew. Free-falling for a solid five seconds before splashing hard into the lake at the bottom of the cliff. The icy water was a shock. Astralis assumed that the water would have retained its warmth this early in the fall. It wasn’t that big a lake though. So the cool air had leached all the heat from the water already. Despite the cold, ir maybe because of it, the water felt glorious.
Furios and Astralis breached the surface at the same time, madly scrubbing every inch of themselves they could get to. After a minute, Furios looked at Astralis with a somber expression.
“SOMEBODY….has shut my pants”. Astralis roared.
“Only you in those britches, buddy!” Astralis didn’t laugh because he hadn’t checked his own drawers yet. He did so. They were fine. “Hell of a shindig!” Astralis grinned.
“Yep - just one thing missing” Furios pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes. Astralis cocked one eyebrow up and tilted his head away from Furios, effectively giving him a side-eye and squinting quizzically. “My birthday cake!” Furios exclaimed.
“Oh yes - I brought one. Not sure if it survived the night or not” Astralis replied as he climbed out of the water. His pants, hair and skin were all in much better condition both visually and in an olfactory sense. Furios climbed out behind him and the hobbled, each with only one wet boot sloshing, back up to the clearing. “Happy birthday, Furry” said Astralis as they walked side by side.
When they reached Furios’ speeder and Irene, Astralis stoooed at Irene and opened the center cargo bin. The cake was nowhere to be found.

Astralis was nervous, but he quickly suppressed that. He was not the best at standing in front of crowds. He could lead men - and had - but this was not the same. No blood-lust, no adrenaline - just a gut-wrenching twisting as he thought about what he was about to do. The rear curtain, which he was behind, slid open a bit as the emcee finished his introduction, beckoning Astralis to the stage. He walked through the split in the rear curtain, only hanging up in it slightly. He stumbled as he extricated himself and his massive body rode its inertia all the way to the floor. The wooden stage with air underneath might as well have been a drum - it absolutely THUNDERED when Astralis fell in his face. The crown erupted in laughter. The laughter didn’t die down much as the giant in black got to his feet trying to muster some small amount of dignity. “Well at least I started off my set with a laugh!” Astralis yelled - few heard him over the laughter. Astralis spread his arms wide and walked to the mic. “Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!” Low comedy and pratfalls was not what he had planned for, but one of the few things he knew was to give the crowd what it wanted. “ relieve it or not, that’s was truly an accident” Astralis explained to the laughing and cheering crowd. “Really!” he plead but they only laughed a little louder. “Okay then, perhaps now you’re ready for a joke?” Astralis probed the crowd - they were quieting down so he took a deep breath and was about to start his set - when he remembered what had just come through his mind moments before - give the crowd what it wants. He thought as quickly as he could, then decided that a bit of a bloody nose might just be worth the laughs. He decided to “accidentally” trip up the mic stand and hit himself with it. He reached for the microphone stand but reached a little too hard, and pushed the mic stand awkwardly forward, seemingly accidentally. As the stand fell towards the audience Astralis stepped on the weighted disc-shaped base, jerking the thin metal rod back up - and right into his nuts. He doubled over and let out a truly painful sounding “OOOF”. The laughing got louder, along with several groans at the direction Astralis was going. Red-faced and trying to catch his breath from the nut-shot Astralis blew air through his mouth, cheeks bellowed out - he held one hand up for quiet. “What short fucker was out here before me? That was supposed to hit me in the face!” He said into the mic. The crowd renewed the almost dead roaring of laughter. “Okay, that’s all I’ve got! Hope your ready for the incomparable Krima!” Astralis spread his arms wide, took a bow, and walked gingerly off stage, careful not to let his aching testicles touch the sides of his legs. His exit was slow, a bit bow-legged, and comic as he tiptoed. Applause and laughter followed him, so despite not doing a single word of his planned set, this turned out to be the most successful show he’d ever done.