Seer Kojiro Keibatsu vs. Savant Aul Celsus

Seer Kojiro Keibatsu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Marauder, Krath
vs.

Savant Aul Celsus

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Defender, Consular
Comment

This was a close match for a variety of reasons. Syntax was a major factor in both posts while the story was a factor for both of you.

Each of you did different things well. I would hazard that Kojiro went all in on the action and really gave an effort to depicting it, whereas Aul did most of the world building and motivating. In this regard, it could be said without much argument that your stories were on equal footing in their own way.

However, an equal footing isn't so much a thing in this system. Even a tie in scores will have a leaning one way or the other. That wasn't the case here, mostly due to syntax tipping majorly between the final posts. You both are comfortable with the ACC and have your own styles. I'd like to see you both facing stronger and tougher opponents along the way and really growing into your own. Take to heart the issues presented and build upon them.

With the score tallied, the winner is Savant Aul Celsus.

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Kojiro Keibatsu , Savant Aul Celsus
Winner Savant Aul Celsus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Kojiro Keibatsu 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Aul Celsus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Sepros: Ballista Crash Site
Last Post 21 June, 2017 12:58 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Issues throughout, though much more prevalent in the final post. Doesn't look like much proofing occurred. Rationale: You had a few simple issues that could easily have been missed by a single proofer, though more may have caught it.
Story - 40%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You had good combat but you let the entirety of the "why" and motivating fall upon Aul's posts. You allowed your writing to take a back seat rather than be a driving force. You also missed the chance to take the fight out of the wreckage and into the venue proper. Really make it come alive. You did a good enough job to make a complete story, which keeps your posts strong. Rationale: You did a great job setting up motivations and "why" but you devoted too much to it. You had no real combat based conflict in your first post which is crucial not just for the Combat Center but for maintaining the pacing of the plot. From there on you did a good job with action in your closing post, but that still brought you down into a less strong position.
Realism - 25%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A minor issue with the ending. Rationale: A minor issue resolving from a great attempt at imagery.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noticed. Rationale: None that were noticed.
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.65 Aul Celsus's Score: 3.8
Posts

header

Located on Sepros, the battles of the past have left their mark in the most permanent of ways with the crashing of the Star Destroyer Ballista. The scar of the crash lays barren in the form of an expansive crater deep in the heart of the Shadow Lands. This crater forms a clear contrast between the life of the jungle, and the death the Brotherhood can bring.

Along the northernmost slope of the barren crater lays the entrance to an ancient Sith ruin, taking the form of near endless catacombs that have yet to be fully explored. Vines and more stubborn flora etch out towards the edges of the crater from the entrance. Patches of nature pockmark the basin of the crater itself while laying claim to the strewn rock, rubble, and debris of the starship that formed it.

As a testament to the might of the explosion that created it, the crater is filled with twisted and misshapen fragments of the Ballista itself. In some cases, entire hallways remain intact, providing cover for those who seek it. The more bold of the animals looming within the Shadow Lands have made the Crash Site their home, and will defend it with vicious certainty.

The scar of the dark side, tainted by war, looms deep within the ground itself, an unmistakable declaration that you stand in the Ballista Crash Site.

[Bleep bloop mrrrr]

“I don’t want to hear it, Bo. You’ve done nothing but whine the entire trip here. You know why I need this and I’m not going to explain it again,” Aul quipped back to his R3 unit. The little bugger had been good company on his travels, but between his strong opinions and his incessant need to decorate himself with the bones of small animals, the Gray Jedi was questioning the astromech’s programming. Bo insisted it made him more intimidating, Aul found it a bit pitiful.

[Wrrrr wooooo wiiiiir]

“Is your processing unit malfunctioning? I should get you wiped. We’re here because I need to know the truth, Bo. I need to know there wasn’t more I could do to help those Void victims. You weren’t there, you couldn’t possibly know the terror I saw in their eyes as they lost hold of sanity and let go to madness. As their humanity dissipated into nothingness, an abyss. How they screamed when I was forced to… dispatch them. There are records here, on the Ballista, of a similar incident from long ago. I need to know there wasn’t something I was missing. I need to know more,” Aul’s voice trailed off as lost himself in thought.

Indicators flashed and blared in the cockpit of the Savant’s modified Fang Fighter, the Discovery, as he approached the landing coordinates a few tens of meters away from a section of the Ballista. This particularly piece had largely survived the fateful crash which so violently tore Sepros apart. He’d travelled the galaxy in the little ship in search of evidence that he was not solely to blame for the outcome of the Void epidemic. He took personal responsibility for the thousands of lives lost, the hundreds he had to kill with his own hands.

There was once a time when Aul refused to participate in combat, believing it to be archaic and cruel. Then, when the moment required, he was left with no choice but to step up and defend his brethren. His confidence grew and, eventually, the scientist found justice and truth in the act of combat. But killing innocent victims of a plague? That was more than he’d bargained for. The act left a scar on his psyche he was unsure he’d ever fix. Until this lead.

“Take her down, Bo, right there,” Aul commanded to his astromech. His ship had a droid brain module installed, but he forewent its use outside of combat situations when he needed Bo to focus on weaponry and shielding. The landing gear of the ship extended into position and the ship gently set down on the craggy surface of Sepros.

The Savant opened the hatch of the cockpit and jumped out smoothly. He reached into the satchel over his shoulder and took out a datapad. After quickly typing in a few commands, he nodded and looked into an exposed hallway of the ship wreckage.

“I guess it’s this way,” Aul thought to himself before turning back and shouting up to Bo, “watch the ship.”

[Mrrr meeee]

“No, you’re not coming with. This isn’t like Nar Shaddaa, there’s no entertainment here for you,” Aul snapped back at his computerized counterpart. He made his way into the wreckage.

Wires, exposed and hanging out of durasteel panels of the hallway, still sizzled with residual electricity from the ship’s million-year reactors. The metallic smoke they let off as they impacted each other in the lightest breeze made the entire corridor smell noxious and deadly; a perfect complement to the blood-stained floors and flickering lights illuminating odd turns and twists deep in the furthest reaches of the kilometer-long stretch of ship.

“Here,” the Gray Jedi said to himself as he stood in front of a blast door indicating the medical bay. He mashed the control pad to the right of the door only to find it jammed. He scoffed to himself at the thought that any of this might be easy before unhooking his lightsaber from his belt and igniting the light blue blade with a snap-hiss. He plunged the blade deep into the blast door, instantly turning the path of the weapon into molten durasteel. He traced a large, oblong shape into the door and kicked it in. The massive weight of the door shook the ground as it landed with a crash. Aul stepped into the pitch black medical bay, his lightsaber still ignited. A dim shape reflected light blue back at him from the corner.

“Who are you?” Aul instantly called back into the darkness. He raised his blade up in a guard.

Laughter broke out from the direction of the reflective object.

“Kojiro. I thought I felt your vile presence. What business have you here?” Aul shot back, unwilling to lower his guard. He squinted carefully in the darkness of the room, sure he could see a datapad held in the hands of his ambusher. The Seer dropped the datapad and Aul could barely make out the name “Sanguinius” before it fell behind a counter.

“You, it would seem,” Kojiro said with a smirk, “though I must admit I didn’t expect to find you here in this junk pile. Unless, you think there’s something here for you… yes… that’s it. You’ve been ranting on and on to anyone who cared to listen about how you feel responsible for the Aeotheran plague deaths…”

The room suddenly felt darker, smaller, colder to Aul.

“You know,” Kojiro continued, his cybernetic eye piercing Aul’s gaze, “it’s a real shame you failed in such spectacular fashion. Naga Sadow had high hopes for you… once.”

Aul’s throat began to close with anxiety and, as his grip loosened, he watched his lightsaber drop to the ground. The Defender looked up just in time to see the Marauder’s white-bladed saber closing in on his face.

Darth Renatus, 21 June, 2017 11:07 PM UTC

Syntax

This particularly piece had largely survived the fateful crash which so violently tore Sepros apart.

I presume you meant to say "particularly large piece", but that would have also been a case of repetition so... doomed if you did, doomed if you didn't!

He plunged the blade deep into the blast door, instantly turning the path of the weapon into molten durasteel. He traced a large, oblong shape into the door and kicked it in. The massive weight of the door shook the ground as it landed with a crash

You favor "door" as your word of choice here. Three sentences in a row! It's good to change it up and keep the flow interesting.

Aul instantly called back into the darkness.

The use of "back" here implies he is returning an answer to something. Yet, no one spoke prior.


Story

He took personal responsibility for the thousands of lives lost, the hundreds he had to kill with his own hands.

This feels somewhat like retreading for the sake of exposition. You covered this well enough in his dialogue with Bo. Now it's back.

So, the ending here is a bit interesting but also head scratching. If Kojiro "found" Aul there, how was he there first? Especially when you consider that Aul literally had to carve his way in. It just becomes odd from a story perspective and remains very vague. Beyond this, there is no true combat in this post. It appears there is some intimidation and perhaps Terror usage, then a single attack. This is the first post in a 2+2 match. At least half the post should be devoted to combat in order to maintain a proper plot pacing. In this case, there was none. It was almost entirely setup.

The Seers blade fell towards his opponent's face. As it did the Savant raised his arm almost reflexively to block it, however as Aul’s arm raised the flamethrower on his wrist came to bear. Something pinged at the back of Koji’s mind that forced him to turn his blow and dive sideways. Where he had stood filled with white hot fire that filled the air with the soft undertones of burnt hair and material.

You’re on fire dearest. The Goddesses voice drifted into his mind and he turned to see the material under his armour had caught alight. He battered at it with his free hand till the flames died. Good boy.

“I swear, shut up,” the Seer snapped back. He turned in time to take a stuttering step backwards as he raised his saber to block a blow from his recovered adversary. “See what you made me do!”

As he stumbled back under the unwavering blows from Aul’s saber his foot caught on a piece of debris. Which in turn tripped him and sent him sprawling to the ground. Kojiro had seconds to recover before a follow-up blow meant for his neck connected with his barely raised lightsaber. The blades locked and held, albeit for a few moments as the difference in strength was clearly favouring the other man at this time.

“Why the feth do you keep talking to yourself? Vile and mad and they expect someone like you to lead our forces?” The Savant pushed harder in the saber lock and Kojiro found himself struggling to find purchase to push back. “If I end you now then at least Marka Ragnos might have a chance to be in safer hands.”

The Nihilgenia’s eyes darted to one side as Aul broke the lock to draw back his arm and strike once more. Before the blade could fall the Seer gestured and a small piece of machinery left its perch and soared through the air cracking his aggressor on the side of the head and sending him to the ground. Skin split above the Savant's right ear and blood began to seep from the wound. The clone pushed himself up and winced as his left foot, the one that had gone over the debris, ached in pain. Hobbling over to his opponent he crouched and lay his fingers on where he guessed the pulse should be. It took him a few tries to locate but once he had found it, and he was satisfied the man was alive, he rose and began to slowly make his way into the corridors of the ship.

A groan reached his ears and he turned partially to observe the savant begin to unsteadily push himself up. The wound on the side of his head had already begun to close and the blood had begun to pool rather than flow freely. A sigh escaped Kojiro’s lips as he turned fully to face his opponent.

“Should have stayed down, would have been easier,” the clone remarked as he painfully readied himself for further conflict. “I’m not prepared to allow someone the privilege of killing me for their own twisted sense of justice or whatever it is are after.”

“Would have been easier for you-you mean? Let's do this properly. Enough cheap shots,” as he spoke the Nihilgenia noticed the wound was almost completely gone and he inwardly grimaced. “I’ll end you,” Aul remarked as he threw himself towards his opponent.

You better kill this worm you fool. You should never have held back!

The clone barked out a laugh and savoured the moment that existed between the clash of lightsabers. This had only just begun and someone was going to die and he was as sure as hell it was not going to be him.

Darth Renatus, 21 June, 2017 11:31 PM UTC

Syntax

The Seers blade fell towards his opponent's face.

This should be possessive, as the blade belongs to him.

As it did the Savant raised his arm almost reflexively to block it, however as Aul’s arm raised the flamethrower on his wrist came to bear.

I had to read this a few times to be clear on who was performing what action. This should never be ambiguous for the reader. It's also repetitive with "arm".

Where he had stood filled with white hot fire that filled the air

More repetition with "filled".

You’re on fire dearest. The Goddesses voice drifted into his mind

This should really have a comma before "dearest". On top of that, this is borderline "he said, she said" but you kind of sneak away with it on this one. Then there's the fact that you used plural instead of possessive again.

He battered at it with his free hand

It's highly likely you meant "batted" here, as "battered" is somewhat to excessively more violent.

As he stumbled back under the unwavering blows from Aul’s saber his foot caught on a piece of debris. Which in turn tripped him and sent him sprawling to the ground.

These are written as two sentences, but the word choice makes it flow as one. The result is awkward. Different punctuation or not starting a sentence with "which in turn" would fix this.

ached in pain

It would ache "with" pain, in this case. Or due to it.

the savant begin

You've used capital "Savant" thus far, keep it consistent.

for their own twisted sense of justice or whatever it is are after.”

Perhaps this meant "whatever it is they're after".


Story

Hobbling over to his opponent he crouched and lay his fingers on where he guessed the pulse should be. It took him a few tries to locate but once he had found it, and he was satisfied the man was alive, he rose and began to slowly make his way into the corridors of the ship.

This is both abrupt and... odd. I don't understand with the premise set up so far why he would just walk off and leave Aul be. Your aspects don't inherently support this either. They don't contradict it mind you, but it would if he had been lost in the thrill of the fight. As it is, it's awkward and confusing. I am left with many questions as to why this happened and no answers.

The lightsabers hissed and crackled as they bathed the darkened medical bay in a dancing array of white and blue. Kojiro and Aul glared intensely at each other through the cross of their blades, each struggling to overpower the other.

“You make no sense, Keibatsu. Why stalk me here? Why attack me? Then you land a cheap shot and try to escape? You’ve gone mad,” the Savant growled. He thrust his body forward, bringing his right knee up into solid contact with Kojiro’s midsection. The clone’s lungs emptied of their contents, bringing up a mixture of blood and sputum that hinted at internal damage. Kojiro stumbled back a short distance, his momentum stopped by a computer terminal.

The Ragnosian shook his head and mumbled furiously to himself. “Why waste my time with this? Why send me here? WHY!?” The words, though quiet and self-directed, were filled with frustration and hatred. Kojiro looked back up to Aul, the blank expression on his face unable to mask the madness of his eyes. He raised his cybernetic arm, his motorized hand clutching a small pendant. Aul held his guard steady and considered the Seer.

“Do you see this? I do as I’m told, for the good of the Brotherhood. For the good of the Clan. That is loyalty, something you’ve apparently forgotten. When a target is laid out, there’s no questioning,” Kojiro shot a glare at his opponent. He shook his head again, apparently fighting an internal dialogue. Aul broke in.

“Target? What was on that datapad-”

He was cut off as Kojiro activated small thrusters on the base of his boots, sending him forward with instant acceleration as he pushed off the computer terminal behind him. His white blade held forward like a spear aimed squarely at Aul’s chest. With lightning-quick reflexes, Celsus side-stepped the assault and his assailant whizzed by. Kojiro held his cybernetic arm out to stop his momentum and as the mechanical appendage powerfully met the durasteel housing of the small medical bay it released a groaning crunch of metal that echoed down the hall.

Before Kojiro could turn around Aul pounced on him, closing the ignition on his lightsaber and extending the hollow core ceramic blade on his right wrist as he approached. The Savant swiftly brought the blade forcefully down on the base of Kojiro’s neck with the intention of severing his spinal cord. The blade entered the thin layer of synthetic skin covering the back of Kojiro’s reinforced armature and immediately shattered into a countless, razor-sharp fragments. Aul’s hand continued on its course and his knuckles met heavily with the metallic bracing.

“Gah!” Aul let out a yowl as the bones of his right hand crumbled under the impact. He fell to the ground clutching his hand. Darkness began to cloud his thoughts and vision and a sinister laugh erupted from the Dark Jedi standing about him. A heavy boot stepped on Aul’s chest.

“Once again you’ve proven yourself a failure, Celsus. Sanguinius was right to assign you to my docket, he knew I would do what it takes. I should send him a holo of your impaled body just to tie up this whole mission with a nice bow, don’t you think? He was one of your earliest fans, if I remember. How disappointed he must be to see you fall from grace. Yes... good. Feel the terror consume you, this is what you should feel in your last breaths,” Kojiro Keibatsu’s voice deepened into a growl as the words oozed from his mouth. He brought his lightsaber up over Aul’s head in an executioner’s grip, blade held high over his head. “Any last words?”

With the last bits of his sanity intact, Aul reached to the Force and drew it into him. He channeled his concentration towards pushing back on the wall of darkness emanating from Kojiro’s presence just enough to feel in control of his own thoughts and emotions. With the brief moment of reprieve, he moved his left hand away from the distorted mess of his right hand and shoved it into the satchel still worn across his shoulders, the opening now positioned just under his back.

His hand immediately located two round, metallic cylinders. Grabbing both, he took in as deep a breath as he could, removed them from the bag and slammed them on the ground, engaging the trigger of both the dioxis and ion grenades. In unison, the ion grenade sent an electric shock in a small radius around the two combatants, while the dioxis grenade began to spew out noxious fumes. Kojiro’s electro-mechanical cybernetics froze up and he fell to the ground in a fit of spasms.

Aul swiftly rolled backwards and out of the medical bay as it began to fill with dioxis gas. Unable to see into the room any longer, he pulled out his blaster pistol and let off a few bolts into the general direction he guessed his opponent still lay, twitching in the spreading cloud of poisonous aerosol.

The Gray Jedi jogged out into the corridor and headed out towards his ship. As he navigated his way through the wreckage he opened a connection with Bo back on the Discovery using his comlink.

“Had to abort before I could offload the data drives. I was ambushed, and am apparently being hunted… This changes everything,” Aul trailed off as he began to reconsider every relationship he made since joining Naga Sadow. Who could he trust? Why was he being hunted?

“Okay Bo, start her up. I need to get to the bottom of this.”

Darth Renatus, 21 June, 2017 11:52 PM UTC

Syntax

standing about him.

Did you mean "above" him?

he moved his left hand away from the distorted mess of his right hand

All the "hand"! Repetition in quick succession.

on the Discovery using his comlink.

You used italics to denote ship names in the first post, yet don't here. You should be consistent.


Story

You show creativity in the conflict and draw back to a deeper reasoning for this conflict and the personalities of the players involved. I also like that you imply that the story might just be beginning with your ending.


Realism

He channeled his concentration towards pushing back on the wall of darkness emanating from Kojiro’s presence just enough to feel in control of his own thoughts and emotions

This is an interesting attempt at applying suppression. The key to remember with this ability is that you aren't pushing against their power or active ability, but "suppressing" their ability to draw on the Force. An important distinction and one that results in different imagery. This depiction could almost work for the Feat that allows you to dampen a small area with suppression, but you really should be using it on the person, not their presence/active power.

The space between them vanished in moments as the two combatants struck once more. Kojiro danced around Aul’s blows, just. His foot was giving him grief and though he attempted to grin and bear it the limb was beginning to do him more harm than he needed. A hammering overhand blow from the other man's lightsaber brought his attention soaring back and once more he found himself on the defensive. However, unlike last time he found enough space to manoeuvre himself through the downed vessel's corridors. Parrying with wild abandon as the Savants even wilder blows struck home.

The Nihilgenia’s back hit a wall and he inwardly cursed. Rather than raise his saber he raised his damaged foot and pushed. A tear left the corner of his eye as the pain rocketed up his leg but he managed to hold it enough to collide with Aul and push the man off balance causing them both to tumble and fall in a heap. Once on the floor, Kojiro swung with all his might and began battering away at his opponent. Likewise, Aul’s fists found their mark as they both attempted to disentangle themselves from the fray and clamber to their feet. A right hook from the clone caught Savant's nose with a satisfying crunch whilst a follow-up blow from Aul smashed into Kojiro’s windpipe momentarily choking him and causing him to struggle for breath.

Finally, the pair freed each themselves from each others armour and scramble away. Aul perched himself against a silent console whilst Koji dragged himself up and leant heavily on a counter.

“This...this is stupid,” a wheezy easily voice croaked out. A long sniff as blood was re-inhaled through the clearly broken nose. “You’re hardly fighting. I can’t tell if you’re mocking me or you really are this bad.” Aul spat and a small phlegm of blood and bile slipped down his chin and just dropped onto his collar.

The Nihilgenia barked out a laugh, which was followed by a hacking cough as his bruised throat made itself known to him. “Perhaps both. This foot is not feeling right,” at his own words he attempted to put pressure on the damaged foot and the silence was punctuated by the sound of cracking bone and a small sob from the Aedile.

“That will be the bone gone I guess,” another hard sniff from the seated man. “Should be easy to finish this with you hopping about.” The mental image stopped any reply from the Nihilgenia who simply slid down to the floor and burst into painful laughter. “I’m being serious. You are a monster and need to be removed, Keibatsu or not. Hey, stop laughing.”

Wherever it be via the pain or not the clone had lost it. His body was weary from this ridiculous tournament and he could hardly move. He lay his head back against the solid surface of the machinery behind him and closed his eyes. The last few guffaws escaped his lips before he laid his hands in his lap and sighed. “Do what you want I'm done. For now, I think I'll have a nap. Kill me if you want, I’m not armed and can barely move.” Silence followed as the clone lapsed into an unconscious state.

Aul pushed himself to his feet and limped over to the Aedile. Recalling his lightsaber to his hand he ignited the blade and raised it. It stayed held for a few more moments before a curse filled the air and the blade went out. The Savant picked up his comm activated the emergency channel.

“This is Celsus. I need an evac, two wounded. One appears to be unconscious yet stable,” as the line went dead he peered down at his opponent and clipped his blade to his belt. “Wonder if you knew I wouldn’t murder an unarmed casualty...or you really are just that useless a fighter. One day we’ll sort this. I promise you that.” With a last look, he moved over to the console he had been resting against, lowered himself down and waited for their pickup to arrive and get them out of this dump.

Darth Renatus, 22 June, 2017 12:04 AM UTC

Syntax

His foot was giving him grief and though he attempted to grin and bear it the limb was beginning to do him more harm than he needed.

This should have a more controlled flow to it. Even just a comma after "bear it" would help.

However, unlike last time he found enough space

A trailing comma is needed after the "last time".

the clone caught Savant's nose

Should be "the Savant's". Unless his name changed to "Savant" at some point.

the pair freed each themselves from each others armour and scramble away.

All kinds of unfortunate here. "each themselves" is redundant and incorrect. Drop the "each". Then "each other's" should be possessive.

a wheezy easily voice croaked out.

What is "wheezy easily"?

“Perhaps both. This foot is not feeling right,” at his own words he attempted

This isn't "he said, she said" and is actually separate sentences. It should close the dialogue with a period and then open with a capital after.

Wherever it be via the pain or not the clone had lost it.

Should be "Whether it be".


Story

The ending doesn't really make much sense from both a story and personality perspective. It is a bit of a head scratcher. There is almost too much casualness here for Kojiro. It doesn't contrast well with his depiction thus far. Also, there's nothing presented as a reason for Aul to be helping him. In fact, he established that he no longer minds killing people in his opening post.


Realism

“Wonder if you knew I wouldn’t murder an unarmed casualty"

There is literally no Aspect supporting this and it runs contrary to Aul's opening post establishing that he has no qualms killing as he once did. He'll fully incapacitate or dispatch the opponent. Someone who just attacked him without warning and nearly killed him? I would think he would get the hell out of there without Kojiro.