Augur Locke Sonjie vs. Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Augur Locke Sonjie

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Zeltron, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

There wasn't much nitpicking to be had in this match so I got to go at it from almost a purely story perspective. I outlined it fairly well in the comments, so I'll quickly summarize here. For Locke, it was a solid effort but utterly focused on his own character. There was nothing inherently dependent on Aura's character being there. Nothing that made her unique or recognizable. In short, she was replaceable as a character. The same couldn't be said with Aura's writing, and she had a good combination of story and action that kept the pace and the tone moving and interesting.

With the scores tallied, the winner of this bout is Aurora "Aura" Ta'var.

Look forward to any future matches from you guys.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Locke Sonjie, Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Winner Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Locke Sonjie's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 24 July, 2017 3:14 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor issues. Mostly some repetition. Rationale: Minor issues. Slight repetition.
Story - 40%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: As explained in the comments on the posts, you manage a complete story arc in terms of the characters and the action, but it falls flat and one-sided. Locke is fully fleshed out but the opponent could have been swapped out with just about anyone. That hurt your score more than anything else. Rationale: You did a lot well but there could have been more. There was never a hook and the ending had some long spans of dialogue that could have been interspersed with the internal struggle for Locke being swayed.
Realism - 25%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: Minor issue between your posts. Refer to the second post comments.
Continuity - 20%
Epis Locke Sonjie Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were apparent. Rationale: None that were apparent.
Epis Locke Sonjie's Score: 4.05 Aurora "Aura" Ta'var's Score: 4.2
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

Locke knelt at the edge of the pool, admiring the crystal-clear water within. He touched it with his fingers, feeling the cool temperature. It was so quiet and peaceful here, and so far removed from the conflict that had erupted within the Brotherhood. Even so, that conflict had made it's way here.

A sound in the distance caused Locke to look up. His gaze swept across the corpses of the scouts who had pursued him here. Their dark clothing stood out among the blues and whites of the cave, lying still against the ground. He regretted killing them, but they had pursued him all the way to Hoth, thinking the Augur a part of the conflict between the Lotus and those loyal to the Iron Throne.

In truth, Locke had tried to stay out of the conflict, but it seemed that was impossible. He saw the reason for the sound: in the distance, a thin form landed on a raised platform near the entrance to the cave. As the figure jumped down from that platform, Locke could discern her features more: Zeltron, female, with distinctive blue hair. She seemed to survey the corpses while slowly approaching Locke's position.

He sighed, knowing he was probably in for a fight. It seemed that he really could not get away. The Augur reached out with the Force, searching for the Zeltron's presence, and felt nothing distinct, besides a general feeling of light. There was no darkness, no hidden anger beneath the surface.

Jedi, Locke thought. He frowned. And a Zeltron. He had never liked Zeltrons.

"What do you want?" Locke said, standing. He knew where this would lead, but he might as well try to throw off his opponent somewhat.

"You killed them," the Zeltron said, speaking softly.

"Them or me, and now you," the Augur answered, emotion seeping out of his voice. "Who are you?"

"You should recognize me," the Zeltron said, "but my name is Aurora, and I cannot allow you to get away with this."

"Right, do your duty, Jedi," Locke answered. There was no remaining emotion to his voice. Another battle. He wished it wasn't necessary, but he was growing tired of trying to explain to others why this fight was not worth fighting.

Instead of attempting further persuasion, Locke ignited his lightsaber. He moved forward, attacking Aurora's right flank, then spinning his blade and pointing it toward her left shoulder. Her own weapon ignited, quickly deflecting Locke's. Blue spun and pushed against yellow, casting a sickly glow across the cave. Their blades clashed once, twice, then Aurora's pressed against Locke's, forcing the two toward a stalactite, slicing it in half.

Locke broke away as the bottom half crashed against the ground. Anger built inside him. It was so easy to call upon these days. As Aurora prepared to attack again, lightning streaked from the Augur's fingertips, arcing toward his opponent. She threw up both hands, lightsaber dropping momentarily, holding the burst of electricity at bay with the Force. The attack had not produced results, but it had allowed for a momentary lull in their fight.

"Leave while you have the chance, Jedi," Locke said, a slight growl piercing the coldness of his voice. "Find someone else to waste your energy on."

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 3:49 PM UTC

Syntax

so far removed from the conflict that had erupted within the Brotherhood. Even so, that conflict had made [its] way here.

Repetition of "conflict" without enhancing the story. Also, you used a contraction instead of possessive with "it's". It likes to be different from the usual possessive rules.


Story

"You should recognize me," the Zeltron said

Why? Show the reader why this is a thing, not just tossing it off as a throw-away line of dialogue.

You did a good job trying to balance the desired story within the word count. While not overly deep, at least on the side of your opponent, it gets the main point across. It's a touch superficial, but it at least doesn't trip over itself.

Aura stared determinedly back at the Sadowan, trying to figure him out. She had watched him kill those who hunted him with no emotion whatsoever. No guilt, fear, or even regret. Like a block of ice on Hoth’s cold barren world, Locke Sonjie was frozen to the world around him. Yet, he offered her a chance to escape with her life.

So odd. Hope the Lotus finds him useful.

The Odanite gritted her teeth as she dissipated another discharge of lightning, its electrical charge rippling against her defensive corona as it sought a way inwards. She patiently waited for it to fizzle out and then used the Force as she whipped her arm through thin air, imagining her fist smacking into the meat of his jaw. The Sadowan cried out in pain and staggered to his right. Aura grabbed her lightsaber and reactivated it as she rushed after him, already jabbing towards his open midriff.

Locke’s eyes flashed wide with fear for a moment, only to be replaced by anger as he parried her attack to the side and followed up with a quick thrust. The Zeltron dodged to her right, the hum of a lightsaber far too close for comfort. The Augur followed her retreat, lashing out with a quick, short slash. Aura deflected it harmlessly away from her and then unleashed a constant stream of flowing strikes, relying on the Force to guide her blade and body to victory.

The Sadowan moved with an elegant swiftness as he outright dodged her blade or flicked his wrist as he skillfully redirected her assault. Unperturbed, the Odanite simply danced around him, the clashing of blue and yellow sabers echoing quietly around the cavern as she searched for an opening. The pair of combatants slowly shuffled towards the pool, a rock pillar forcing them apart for a few heartbeats.

Aura cried out in surprise as her foot skidded on a thin tapering cylinder of frozen water, her body jerking awkwardly in the air. Locke seized the moment and raised his open hand for a strike, looking at a patch of cave floor less than a meter away from her. The Odanite squeezed her saber in frustration, the only swing left to her likely a killing blow. Jedi didn’t kill their future prisoners, and yet some part of her wanted to end it and be done with it.

Her arms froze mid-swing as uncertainty gripped her, left to watch as the Sadowan smacked the ground close by. She staggered backward as a wave of Force energy slammed into her, splashing into the cold pool of water behind her. It seeped into her boots, sending an icy chill to her toes.

Kark, I hate Hoth!

“I’ve got more important things to do than play with you, Jedi! Leave me be or else,” demanded Locke, holding back his attack yet again.

“Or else you’ll kill me like the others? Not a good way to get intel,” Aura chided, wondering if he would take the bait.

“I want no part in your quarrel with those who serve the Iron Throne. Be gone!” yelled the Sadowan, a hidden anger bubbling up to the surface and making him snarl.

Jackpot. Knew he was hiding something…

“That isn’t what my sources tell me and it most certainly isn’t what I’ve seen over the last few days. Sure you don’t want to help the Lotus? We could always use a helping hand.”

“You are tearing the Brotherhood’s empire apart, the one thing that can ensure a lasting peace. Why would I join you?!” yelled Locke as he extended his free hand towards the pool, a grim expression on his face.

The Zeltron pulled the Force into her legs and jumped outwards towards the nearest dry, open area, the Force screaming at her to move. She could hear the crackle and hum underneath as the Sadowan’s deadly charge moved across the pool. She landed safely on dry, hard rock, immediately giving herself over to the Living Force as she crouched under a swift slash. She swung her saber in a wide sweep, fending Locke off while she retreated backward.

Need a better plan. Think, Aura. Think.

“I guess you won’t come quietly. Let’s have a little fun before I hand you over to the Lotus,” threatened Aura.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 4:00 PM UTC

Syntax

The Zeltron pulled the Force into her legs and jumped outwards towards the nearest dry, open area, the Force screaming at her to move.

This is repetitious. You pull the Force into the legs then the Force screams for you to move. Shake it up, refer to it as a power or something else. Variety is spice.


Story

You did a good job weaving narrative and action, but you left a dangling at the start with the "finds him useful" reference at the start that didn't get resolved until much later when you mention "future prisoner". The motivations are unclear until that point, which isn't a good thing. Everything else is really great and clear. Easy to follow and plays to the strengths of the characters.

"The Lotus?" Locke growled, advancing on Aurora, trying to press his advantage. "I'll not ally with Jedi, nor with Sith who would destroy our own allies." He felt his anger flaring. He had been calm; but this Jedi's words indicated she really did not understand. Like all Jedi - in his view, at least - she followed the same failed and dogmatic beliefs.

Suddenly, the Zeltron stepped back quickly, flinging her free hand toward the ground nearby, then at Locke. Ice crystals flew toward his face, melting against it, but the flurry was enough to give him pause. He stepped back, lightsaber ready, eyes staring at Aurora from behind the blade.

His voice was as cold as he felt. "Jedi or Sith, you're both fools. I'd thought the Brotherhood different; beyond that ancient vendetta, but apparently not. You won't be taking me anywhere."

"We'll see," the Jedi said, voice determined. Her grip tightened on her lightsaber, as if she were about to attack.

Locke didn't give her the chance. He produced a grenade, holding it where she could clearly see, causing the Zeltron to recoil and hold her weapon defensively. Locke tossed the weapon along the ground between them, stepping back just after she did.

The resulting blast reverberated throughout the cave, causing it to shake and several stalagtites of ice to crash to the cave floor. Ice floated in the air like a fine mist, partially obscuring the two opponents from one another. Locke could still see the Jedi's blade, so he knew she would be able to see his.

"Come on," she said, calling through the mist. "We have a common goal."

"I don't think so," Locke answered. He prepared another grenade, hearing a loud crackling sound as ice cracked around them or above them. It was terrifying in a way, seeming to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.

He tossed the second grenade, throwing it through the mist toward the Jedi's lightsaber.

Locke thought he heard her curse, and then the smoke of the grenade's explosion obscured Aurora's lightsaber. The explosion was too much for the cave and before the smoke dissipated large chunks of ice were falling between the two and all around Locke.

That was probably not the wisest idea, he thought. Still, he had had no desire for a battle, and this Jedi would not let up. He had no way of knowing if she had more reinforcements coming or not. He was not going to be a prisoner to the Lotus. Locke had no time to check if Aurora had survived or not. Ice fell around him, forcing the Augur to retreat. He dived into the nearby lake of chilling water, using the Force to brace himself and having no other choice.

When Locke was finally able to surface some time later, he was in a small pocket of air. The Force would help him survive, but it would be difficult. He could not sense his opponent anywhere, and had no idea if she had survived or not.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 4:05 PM UTC

Syntax

the grenade's explosion obscured Aurora's lightsaber. The explosion was too much

Repetition of explosion. This can create a monotonous sound to the reader and trip them up.


Story

nearby lake of chilling water, using the Force to brace himself

I'm assuming this was an application of Control Self. Would have liked to see more as to how he is braced from it. Perhaps he is modulating his internal temp? Maybe something else. You had the space in the word cap to play with.

So, you did bring this about to a complete conclusion, but it is much the same as your first post in how it glosses over your opponent as a character. I could swap out her name with any other Jedi and this would be the exact same story. That's a sign that the characterization just isn't there. That's a major hit in story.

Locke answered with a determined thrust at her torso. Aura deflected it to the side and then launched another ferocious stream of attacks, each of which was redirected and followed with swift ripostes. The sound of lightsaber clashes drowned out all noise around her, her blue saber becoming blurred as she moved it faster and faster. As she slashed to her left, she could smell burnt cloth before Locke successfully countered it, his eyes wide with fear. Aura smiled. She was going to win eventually.

Locke dodged her next swing and ran away, retreating back as far as he could before the Zeltron started to catch up. He grimly pulled the pin of his fragmentation grenade and lobbed it directly at a larger patch of icicles high above her head. Aura ran for her life, looking overhead as she heard it go off with a loud boom. She turned off her saber and hastily called the Force to shield her, the metal shrapnel and pointy chunks of ice that fell from the ceiling crashing against her translucent corona.

Inevitably, Aura cried out in pain as a few broke through, knocking her to the ground. She looked over her cuts and bruises, but the most alarming were the ones that did not hit. They dug into the ground, point first, almost like a makeshift prison. Aura looked towards Locke, who was already getting up and walking towards her.

“Look, I’m not dying to bring your karking ass back to the Lotus, but I have a mission to complete. They want information and they want you to deliver it in person. But right now, I just want to finish this task and go home to my loved ones. If you don’t care about either side, then just hand me what you know of Pravus’ whereabouts. In return, I’ll leave you be. I get to finish my mission and you get to go back to staring at the pond. Deal?” offered Aura in frustration, angry at herself for resorting to this option. Family came first though.

“Soldiers usually don’t disobey orders. More will come. Your deal is unenforceable,” argued Locke, who was quickly approaching.

“You’re right. I can’t promise that others won’t come. But what if I could guarantee a small measure of peace? I could give you enough time to find a better hiding spot and throw them off your trail.”

The Augur looked at her doubtfully and trained his lightsaber on her chest. “Go on.”

“I can tell the Lotus that you gave me everything you had and that you aren’t worth pursuing further. By the time they review the data, you’ll be gone from Hoth and they shouldn’t bother you anymore. If they don’t believe me, then you’ve already got a head start. But if you kill me, you will only draw more attention to yourself. So I beg you, for both our sakes, give me the intel and then we can both get some measure of peace,” pleaded the Zeltron with her hands in the air.

Locke glared back at her. “Why don’t you just leave, Jedi? We’ll both have peace then.”

“Because I still need to do the right thing, even if it isn’t quite how you want it. For what you get in return, I’m not asking for much.” Aura stubbornly took out her datapad, opened a new file, and slid it next to Locke. “What do you say?”

Please work, she thought as she kept eye contact with him, ignoring the hum of his saber.

The Sadowan picked up the pad and looked back and forth between the pond and the Odanite. “Fine. You have a deal,” he replied with a heavy sigh as he turned off his lightsaber and furiously tapped away on the glowing screen. Once finished, he turned the device off and tossed it back over to her. “Now, leave me be!”

“Thank you. May the Force be with you, Locke,” Aura replied, eschewing the traditional bow for a curt nod. The act of saying thank you had been quite enough. She outright refused to bow to a Dark Sider but hoped the light would find him again. The Human grumbled as he went back to the small pool of ocean water. She winced as she gingerly stood back up, ignoring the pain till she was safe again.

Enjoy your peace, she thought as she limped away.

Darth Renatus, 29 July, 2017 4:18 PM UTC

Story

This is an interesting ending. Would have liked to see more as to how she was swaying Locke. You could have even used some pheromones to make yourself just that much more convincing. Never got it though, and the indecision of Locke isn't all that explained to the reader. Not sure how he weighed things or arrived at that conclusion. It was good, however. Flow of plot and action intermingled with a logical conclusion that was very much an ending. Not all fights end with someone dead.


Realism

his eyes wide with fear.

You keep mentioning this of your opponent, in both posts, but it runs afoul of a couple Aspects on Locke's sheet. He is hardened and cold in battle. Detached and emotionless. The fear could be acknowledged internally, but it wouldn't be written in his eyes or face. He has the Resolve to support it as well.