Reaver Satsi Tameike vs. Augur Kordath Bleu

Reaver Satsi Tameike

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
vs.

Augur Kordath Bleu

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Ryn, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match to conclusion.

I hope you both got some enjoyment out of putting this together. It's unfortunate not to see an actual ACC based effort here, but what you guys did was done well. I'm beating a dead horse here if I mention the lack of conflict, as it pertains to the ACC, but that's really what kicked the bucket and made a mess of things here.

That said, there were standout moments in the writing that, as a judge, I could point to as differentiation. Things that could sway the final verdict. That mostly came from Satsi's Final Post, and it was very well done. Could have been more within the context of the ACC, but was still a boon instead of a bane.

This match was also reviewed by the DGM, Mav. While a tie in the scores, the winner has to be selected, and in this case it is Satsi Tameike.

Good luck to you both in your future matches.

Hall Phase II: Retribution [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1.5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Satsi Tameike, Augur Kordath Bleu
Winner Reaver Satsi Tameike
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Satsi Tameike's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Augur Kordath Bleu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: Factory "Empusa"
Last Post 14 November, 2017 4:22 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Just a few minor issues, no doubt due to the quick turnaround. Rationale: Only minor issues of note.
Story - 40%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: This is a 2 almost entirely due to the lack of combat-based conflict. There was an opportunity for it in the final post, but it strayed away. Still, the emotional punch your writing carries cannot be understated and truly strengthens the work you put together. Rationale: To start, this falls into a 2 almost primarily due to the lack of conflict between the characters, as referenced in the rubric pertaining to fighting. While you were able to play the dialogue and the action well, while making some fun references, the fighting is a hard requirement that can't be avoided without resulting in a significantly major detractor.
Realism - 25%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was apparent. Rationale: Nothing that was apparent.
Continuity - 20%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir General Stres'tron'garmis
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was apparent. Rationale: Nothing that was apparent.
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir's Score: 3.65 General Stres'tron'garmis's Score: 3.65
Posts

factory_empusa

While not nearly as large as the twin cities on Nancora, the trio of factories that accompany them make a case to be called cities all their own. Empusa is the first of these industrial complexes, and the most notable. It's modular design lends itself to fabrication blocks entirely dedicated to specific needs. One section may be focused on the mass-production of firearms and other weapons, while another is producing vehicle after vehicle.

The largest of these fabrication blocks is also the most vulnerable, a cavernous bay resembling a dreadnought's hangar system with an opening leading directly to the land outside Empusa. It is here that fabricators line the floor, producing ground assault vehicles along a series of conveyors. Supplies and materials are stacked along the walls, ready for delivery to the waiting automated arms.

This section is overseen by a series of control rooms and interconnected catwalks that form a spider web suspended above the fabricators. Security is tight, each unit closed off to the others and ID locks at their entrances. Shield generators are built into the gaping maw of the fabricator bay, preventing the elements from entering the complex while allowing a staging area for the completed units.

High Priority Target

Name: Chelsie "CC" Crimson Affiliation: Liberation Front
Species: Human
Gender: Female
Height: 1.84 m
Weight: 76 kg

Intel has received word that a target of opportunity has presented itself. Captain Crimson of the Liberation Front has been spotted on Nancora. Preliminary data outlined Crimson as one of the guiding forces behind the Collective's training and military effectiveness. This data has been proven correct. There is almost no chance Captain Crimson will be found in isolation, so maintain a healthy respect for her ability to motivate the troops under her command. Alone, she's merely a threat. While among her unit? She's a muse of war.

Click for full dossier details.

The twilight stretched the shadows out in great lengths across the arid wasteland surrounding the massive factory complex. Kordath Bleu sat atop one of the rock formations surrounding the installation, cloak pulled up over his head to ward off some of the fading heat. It was pointless, the idea of assaulting this place alone was suicide. More Collective armor rolled off the assembly line, just visible through a bay door from his perch. They should never have come to this waste of a world.

Just on the edge of his hearing was the sound of a boot scraping across rock, drawing his attention just in time to try and catch the shadowy figure that bowled him over. He managed to choke back a shout of surprise, not wanting to draw attention from the factory below. He'd had no warning from the Force, so either the person tackling him was a droid, or they meant him no harm. Glancing down in the fading light he saw dark hair with red streaks through it. He also felt the person pinning him down shake with silent laughter.

Confident he knew who'd jumped him, the Ryn reached down with both hands and settled them on the woman's rear. One curious squeeze confirmed it for him.

"'Ey, Red, what ya doin' here?"

"Checking on my Bleu-fluff apparently, though I thought I said this was my mission site?"

Kord shifted slightly as he felt his boss lift herself up to look him in the eye, her lopsided smirk staring down at him.

Be a good lad, Kord, do nae do somethin' stupid. Think of Zuji.

"Aye, t'was yer site, yeah. Was, uh, worried ya may go and do somethin' rash, like uhh..." He was having trouble keeping his thoughts ordered with her atop him still, and sighed.

"Like try to blow it up? Hah, not today," she stated, shaking her head before arching a slim eyebrow. "You gonna let go of my ass so I can get off of you or not?"

"I mean, if yer comfy..."

She rolled her eyes and got to her feet, staying low to avoid adding her silhouette to the shadows being cast below. He sat up and moved to lean against the nearest outcropping of rock, gesturing with a motion of his head for her to join him. Satsi settled in next to him, the sun at their backs and the factory complex laid out before them.

"Been keepin' an eye on their production and track o' time. Got a decent idea what their output is. We're bleedin' karked."

He punctuated this statement by pulling his bottle of whiskey from the recesses of his coat. A quick twist of the top and he offered it to his Consul. She shook her head ruefully but took the vessel, taking a quick swig which he matched when it was returned to him.

"Do nae care for this place."

"Me either, sugah, but you know well as I what they did."

"Aye. Poor Blinky," he lifted the bottle up in a toast and took a pull from it, handing it off to the woman beside him.

"To Pigtails," she muttered, answering the toast.

"Least our girls are safe."

Satsi stared past the mouth of the bottle for a minute, and he worried he'd said something wrong until she took a drink. "We're gonna get back to 'em, Kordy, don't you worry."

"Who's worried?" he asked, taking back the whiskey and sighing. Closing his eyes, the Ryn lifted his head, palm open and face up. With a quick bit of focus, he weaved an illusory holo image of a tiny, red skinned, white-haired girl smiling up at him. "I'll be home before too long, Shay, promise," he whispered.

"Neat trick," grumbled Satsi. Kord smirked to himself, her distaste for 'sparkfingers' wasn't exactly lost on him. She just liked him enough to tolerate it from him.

With a thought, the image twisted and distorted until it showed a chubby little Human girl.

"You stop that."

"Sorry, thought ya'd wanna see her face, we've been gone a few weeks now."

She tapped the side of her head, taking another drink as she did so. Handing the bottle off, she swallowed but didn't even grimace as the liquor burned down her throat. "I don't need that stuff to see Sammy's face, Kordy, I just gotta close my eyes. She's always there."

Taking the bottle from her, he nodded and watched as more armored vehicles came trundling out from the line. He glanced out of the corner of his eye, catching goose bumps spreading up his boss's arms, and realized the sun had finally left them. With his off hand, he reached over and around to her far shoulder, pulling her in. She didn't say anything in response to this, just laying her head on his shoulder as they shared warmth.

"Gonna be a bleedin' long night out here, eh?"

Darth Renatus, 18 November, 2017 4:46 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Despite the amount of dialogue, you manage to avoid the story feeling static, or stationary, by splicing in actions throughout. Even minor exchanges of the bottle keep things "moving" in the mind's eye.


Areas For Improvement

Honestly, I'm not even sure if I should commit the time to describing the issues pertaining to the "Combat" Center here, since you're already well aware, but I'll retread. There is no conflict. No combat. From a story stand-point and the rubric's requirements, this is a huge error. Beyond that, there are some mechanical issues outlined here:

"Aye. Poor Blinky," he lifted the bottle up in a toast and took a pull from it, handing it off to the woman beside him.

This is dialogue followed by an action, rather than "he said, she said". You'd close off the quotes with a full stop and then capitalize the beginning of the next sentence since they are separate.

Closing his eyes, the Ryn lifted his head, palm open and face up.

This phrasing here denotes that his head was palm open and face up, rather than a hand.

tiny, red skinned, white-haired girl smiling up at him

Can't have it both ways, you're either hyphenating red-skinned and white-haired (which you should when not involving "-ly") or you're not.

"Long, cold, sandy, boring, frakking stupid as hell," Satsi listed off, snuggling deeper into his side so that she could bury her nose in the fur along his neck, hunching her cybernetic back to do so. "Maybe less of all those things with you here, Kordy. Can't beat good company."

"Now, now, dinnae be hasty. What's a little beatin' between friends..."

The Human laughed, stroking the tail that had wrapped itself around her waist and upper thigh like it always did, the fluffy tip dangling between her legs.

"Thought you said Spots wouldn't like that, after last time."

"Yer not wrong. And I'm only joking a bit. Habit, it is. I'm marrying Zuji." He felt Satsi chuckle again, syrupy and evil, at his reminder to himself. The Ryn grimaced, then gasped when she started scratching lightly along his tail, and a full-bodied shiver rocked him as his muscles unspooled.

They were in the middle of a wasteland warzone heading into the freezing night, in enemy territory, watching an enemy factory crank out death weapons, and yet he was suddenly more relaxed than he'd been in what felt like ages.

"Mmhn, little higher, luv."

"I thought I was the one in charge now," she teased, but obliged, her kneading touch and the divine scrape of her nails shifting as directed. He groaned, laying his cheek atop her head.

"That's nice, that is."

"Good," Satsi murmured fondly. She took another drink with her free hand, then swished the bottle. The Ryn could tell just by the sound that it was already half-empty. They'd have to pace themselves. "Hey, look."

Her voice called him back to wakefulness, cracking his eyes open. He hadn't realized they'd drifted shut as he enjoyed what she liked to call his "scratchies."

Satsi was pointing discreetly towards the eastern edge of the factory complex. Kordath looked, expertly grasping the Force, and his vision sharpened as he focused. He easily spotted a whole troop of figures in the dark, marching along while a woman with crimson hair barked at them. They moved like a machine. Like they were the body and she was the brain, no hesitation.

"Lookit them go, huh?" Satsi whispered, squinting hard. "Bet you that would have been some trouble."

"Aye," agreed the new Proconsul. He gestured for the whiskey, and she passed it to him so he could sip. "Nice rear on the scary lass barkin' orders, though."

"Now that's just not fair, I can't see."

"Sorry, luv. Tis a good view."

"A commandin' chick with a solid ass. Should I be jealous?"

She wiggled closer, making a very deliberate gesture of twisting and stroking around the base of his appendage. He eeped.

"Nae, Sats, y'know yer the first lady, here, got all me love. Uh, next to Zuji, of course."

"Of course."

Her fingers were quick and wicked. He swore again, and she laughed.

"Oi, stop that."

"Fine, fine." The Consul settled back down, and the minutes ticked by as they watched the captain and all her armed soldiers do their rounds then head back inside the factory, presumably to learn how to murder them with all the bigger guns inside. The temperature continued to drop, gritty wind gusting around them where the outcrop didn't cover, and they shivered, pressing closer together, practically atop one another again.

"You know," Satsi's voice broke the quiet eventually. "I used to stare up at the stars every night. Looking for Uji. Even after...you know. I still did. Reminded me of him. Gave me something to survive for. To remember him."

Kordath squeezed her shoulder. She nuzzled his cheek, then turned her almond eyes back upwards. The light pollution from the factory diminished their view some, but not so much as to disappoint. Nancora, for obvious reasons, was not overly populated and had nearly no cloud cover, with how dry it was. Absent of a sandstorm, for the moment, the sight was breathtaking. Stars burned in the opalescent black ocean of the sky, tiny white fires like pinpricks, the shining eyes of the gods peering down from the heavens.

"I took Sammy outside ta look at 'em the other night. Er, a couple weeks ago, I guess. Me an' Uji laid in the grass wit 'er, watched her stare up at them. Shadows, Kordy, her eyes all full of stars — most beautiful thing I evah seen." She chuckled again, this time embarrassed, fiddling with her hair. "I wanted to tell her about the constellations and kark, y'know, but I don't know any. Neither does Uji. We ain't know from nothing about it, not sithspit, either of us."

"Ta be fair," Kordath offered, "they dinnae stay the same when ya move across systems. And everybody's got different names fer 'em. One little line o' shinies is a Hutt's tail on Nar Shadda, but go to Rlyoth and it's the big lady goddess Twi'lek's necklace or somethin'."

"Do you know Selen's?'

"Eh, some. More stories and such from the locales."

Against him, Satsi nodded. The factory chugged on. A set of armored tanks lumbered out, and a plume of dust miles high rose in their wake.

"Kordy?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me a story."

"Heh, if ya like, bosslady."

"I just said so, didn't I? I like yer stories. Yah do the voice."

"What voice?"

"Yer storytellin' voice. You have one. I like it."

"Well, I'm happy to serve...I think."

"Tell me one."

"Aye, luv, just let a man wet his throat properly, eh?"

Kordath took another long pull from his bottle, thinking longingly of the other one he'd left stashed in his footlocker. For Zuji and Shay's sakes, he'd actually brought a ration of water with him instead. Madness.

"Okay. What kinda story ya wantin', hon? Somethin' dirty? Funny? Punchy?"

"Something...happy. Forget all this sithspit. Tell me some happy story ain't nothing ta do wit this war."

"I'll do me best." The Ryn coughed, racking his brain quickly then smiling. "So, this once upon a time— gah!"

Darth Renatus, 18 November, 2017 6:00 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The best thing in this post, really, is the descriptions of the scene. References to stars in the eyes, plumes, the environment. It all works well to form the image.


Areas For Improvement

Much like with your opponent, there's no conflict as required by the ACC. This isn't a debate of conflict vs. combat. The rubric describes the "conflict" being the encounter between the characters. Each cell of the Story portion of the rubric makes mention to "fighting". Scratching and rubbing a tail don't quite line up with this and it hurts your score. There's very little mechanically wrong here other than that, save for the following:

Rlyoth

Minor typo here that can't be attributed to Kord's accent.

Kord jumped as the woman crawled into his lap, sitting sideways and grinning at him. The move had been sudden, but he couldn't argue with how much warmer it was as they wrapped their cloaks around one another. Her hand straying around to scratch at the base of his tail wasn't helping his storytelling.

"Once, uh, once upon a — bloody 'ell woman, that's distractin' — once upon a time, there was a Ryn."

"Of course there was," she said with a rolling of her eyes and a smirk. She laid her head on his shoulder, her breath ghosting across his throat as she shifted on his lap, much to his distress.

"There, um, was a Ryn. On New Tython. He was in a bad way, eh? Had come out o' a bleedin' nightmare ta find two of his t'ree best friends —"

"Three?"

"Aye, t'ree, that's what I said," he muttered, pulling the bottle out of the cloak cocoon. He took a swig and handed it over to Satsi before continuing his tale. "T'was in a bad way, this Ryn. Woke up ta bein' told that tha reason there was only two of 'em there, was that he'd offed tha other one. So he did some wanderin' about."

He felt Satsi grow still in his embrace, his arms encircling her under the cloaks. "He went a wanderin', did a quite a bit o' drinkin' and fightin' and silly, stupid crap. Then he ended up on New Tython fer somethin'. He left, a few days before it got blown ta 'ell and back, with a ladyfriend. 'Cept she was nae his ladyfriend yet, just a lady he'd met."

"Kord..." she mumbled, taking another drink and sighing.

"See, he came across this lass with tha cutest, strangest nose he'd ever seen. 'Cept she seemed ta be tryin' ta hide tha thing, despite it bein' adorable, yeah? Turns out she was half-Ryn, and a, uh, 'sparkle fingers' ta boot, though not trained yet. She decided she wanted ta see tha galaxy and all that, and I figured, hey, she's cute, why not?"

"Kord," she spoke a bit louder, gripping the base of his tail till he looked down at her with hesitance clear in his eyes. He wasn't sure what she was planning or if he should, or wanted to, stop her. "You're usually drunker when you tell me how you met Spots."

"Ah, kark."

"First time you've mentioned the nightmare bit, though. That's when Uji told you, I mean, he said..."

"Aye, when he told me I'd off'ed ya."

"You two aren't still fighting over that, are you?"

"What'd be tha point? Yer back, ya brought wee lil Sammy with ya, I get why he lied. Just hurt, ya know."

She lifted her head from his shoulder and gave him a smile, before leaning in and pecking him on the tip of his nose. She pulled back, peering with squinted eyes, "Didn't this use to be straighter?"

"Happy ta introduce ya ta tha bloke who messed up me pretty face sometime, luv," he grunted. Just hope they nae get on too well.

"Well. We're out," she pronounced, upending the bottle and watching the few droplets fall. "And I think we've seen all we're gonna see tonight. At least here, hmm?"

He didn't miss the tone she used at the end, making the Ryn lock up, wondering when his drunken hands had started traveling. He'd been certain when she'd crawled into his lap that his hands were linked around her midsection, not straying to a hip and thigh.

"Uh, yeah, we should probably get outta here. Bloody cold out."

"I'll call for pick up, then," she began to say, fishing around for something under the cloaks, much to his alarm. "Swear I had a comlink..."

"That, eh, that is nae a comlink! Nor is that yours!"

"Was mine before it was your half-breed ladyfriend's," she teased before looking annoyed. "Okay, I don't have a comlink."

"Eh, tha Bleusmobile is just a klick or so away, stealth package and all that."

"Heh, package."

"You might be drunk, luv."

"We'll see who has to hold up who when we stand, Kordy."

"Fair."

The pair pushed one another to their feet and promptly tried to fall over. They stumbled together towards the backside of the outcropping of rocks, picking their way drunkenly down to the surface of the wasteland.

"Never been on your boat, Kordy, heard you stole it from some slavers though."

"Aye."

"Heard they were shipping ladies, the sexy kind."

"Maybe."

"Bet this ship of yours is decked out like a whore house!"

"Bit classier than that, luv."

"Ooooh," mocked the woman, arm linking into his and grinning as his tail snaked around her waist and pulled her closer. "So a fancy whore house? A whatsitcalled? Brothel? Gentleman's Club?"

"Tha last one, I guess. Fully stocked bar, fer one. Nice, warm showers, too."

"Plenty of space, huh?"

"Aye, plenty of, wait in tha shower?"

"Mmmhmm, the Shadow Lady has a decree!" she shouted, and he glanced back over his shoulder towards the factory. They were a fair ways away now; he just hoped her voice didn't carry. "She will be having a warm shower! And her loyal Scion," she jabbed a finger at him, grinning drunkenly, "shall wash her back."

"Am I, now?" he asked with a weak voice.

"Yup! And then we'll give you a good scrub down," she growled, her hand leaving his arm to grab at his rear. "Big, decked out ship? Bet the beds are comfy. Can't see us needing more than one, though."

"We'll see," he said, voice tight, shaking his head.

Just get her good and drunk, put her ta bloody bed.

"Aww, comeon, doesn't Sammy deserve a good father figure in her life?"

"That's what ya got bleedin' Uji for!"

"Well, he's a good uncle, sure."

"Sure. Right. Lets just get back ta tha bleedin' ship before we freeze."

"Kay. Glad you came down here, Fluffy."

"Yeah. Me too."

Darth Renatus, 18 November, 2017 6:19 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Much like in the first post, you do good dancing between dialogue and activities. That's about all I can say since that's about all there was.


Areas For Improvement

They were a fair ways away now; he just hoped her voice didn't carry.

When using a semi-colon, each part needs to be connected to the same subject. In the first sentence, the distance to the factory is the subject, and the second the sound of her voice is.

"Sats, if you want me ta— ahhhhmn, tell a story, yer gonna have ta," he twisted to grab her arm as she wrestled playfully back, "stop that."

"But it'll be extra fun to see if you can do it distracted," the devil woman cackled, easily pinning him down when he didn't resist much, the bottle set aside.

Kordath tensed on the stone while Satsi chuckled, straddling him. He took a deep breath. "I ain't playin' wit ya, Red. Be good."

"Make me."

"Them's loaded words. Save tha challenge for next you an' Uji get ta fightin'."

The Human sighed. "Soon, maybe. If we frakking live."

"Soon. Now ya want your story or not?"

"Yes, yes, I do."

She snuggled down, throwing a leg over him and propping herself up on one arm, her larger, longer frame sheltering his.

"Ya keepin' an eye on them Techies?"

"Yeah, I got an eye on 'em. Storytime, storytime!" she whined, jabbing him, and he snorted. "Look, it's practice fer when the girls get older."

"As if Sammy's gettin' old," the Ryn snorted. "Any kid o' yours is gonna live fast and die young."

Satsi went rigid.

His brain caught up with his mouth a little too late. The Proconsul stiffened, then at them up quickly.

"Uh, I mean— I did nae mean that, Satsi, I didn't, just one of those quick, bad little thoughts, y'know? Get tired of all this kark and yer brain just goes there, it dinnae mean nothin'. She's gonna be just fine. Beautiful and just fine, you'll see."

"Sure," Satsi replied, but he knew her well enough to know when she was putting on a false face. She stood abruptly and prowled to the edge of the rock, settling in to stare at the factory.

Bugger.

The Ryn fumbled for a moment, at a loss for anything to say that would fix what his damn mouth had just done. Words wouldn't fix this.

A risky idea took shape. He thought of what she'd said of his tricks earlier, but pursued his lips and drew on the Force anyway as he pondered an image. This time, it wasn't a baby girl, pulled from his own memory. This time, it was a figment. A hope.

He cheated slightly, staring at his friend and then reshaping the illusion in his mind's eye. He pictured what she might have been like young. Twenty, maybe. None of the scars on her, none of the swagger that was born of a sick pride in how much abuse she could take. Still all the stubbornness, though. Crossed arms, or hands on hips? Would Satsi have had long hair? Would Sammy? He considered her family, then borrowed from Uji and gave his construction flowing black locks. Casual but proper clothes. A bunny hat, just because his mates were that silly.

Finally satisfied with the mental picture he had, he conjured it into reality. A young woman appeared, smile on her pretty face, nose a bit crooked from some break. She walked over to Satsi, who turned when the flicker of motion caught her eye, and sat down beside her.

Satsi inhaled sharply, brown eyes flying wide as they stared back at their copy.

Kordath said a prayer and concentrated harder.

"Hey, mom," the girl said. The voice was a total shot in the dark, but he thought it was passable. "Don't worry so much. Dad's the broody one."

Not-Sammy made a face, mimicking a scowl they knew so well. A breathless, choked laugh escaped Satsi's lips.

"Gonna be okay, yeah?" asked the illusion, giggling. "And if anybody tries different, we'll just kick their asses."

"Watch yer karkin' mouth," the Consul managed, and Kordath saw tears spilling down her cheeks. But, she was smiling, eyes glazed like she was dreaming. For once, seeing the look on her face didn't fill him with dread. "I'm tryin' babygirl. I'm comin' ta meet you as fast as I can, just wait for me, yeah? Don't go n-no w-where." Her voice broke.

Keeping the complex illusion alive was starting to feel like someone was reaching into his brain and slowly stretching it apart thread by thread. The Ryn grit his teeth though and pushed through the awful sensation for just one more bit of added effect.

Not-Sammy reached out, hugging her mother. He didn't know if he was actually tricking Satsi's brain into feeling it at this point, but the woman responded as if it were so, hugging back. Her scarred arms closed around empty air, and then the phantom was gone, and Kord was staggering.

The Proconsul groaned. When he straightened, Satsi was staring at him, her lip wobbling. He ghosted quickly over, wrapping her up in a tight squeeze. She shook against him, and he shushed her, tail stroking down her spine.

"I got that story fer ya, lass. Once upon a time, this shapely, uh, strong lady and her boy had a kiddo, and that kiddo grew up and drove them crazy. And that's it. Everythin' was bloody karking happy. Ya hear me?"

"Yeah," sniffed the woman, wiping at her eyes and nose as the pulled apart. "Yeah, okay." There was a long pause, and then she whispered, "Atty said there might be something wrong wit 'er. Cause o' her genes or somethin'. Can't remembah the word. B-but she said we should stay wit the clan, keep near some good healers, 'cause o-otherwise s-she'd—"

"Nope, happy. Happy story. Can't hear ya." Kordath rubbed at her back roughly, probably too roughly, but it helped him feel like he was pushing away the terrible words he didn't want to know.

"Right. Happy thoughts."

His tail wrapped around her again. The night was frigid, and the factory was busy. It looked like there might be a dust storm brewing on the horizon. They'd need to abort soon.

"Y'know," Satsi said at length, "you could magic me up a vision of that captain's supposedly nice ass."

The Ryn laughed.

"If the lady commands…"

Darth Renatus, 18 November, 2017 6:26 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This was an uptick in emotional investment over the first post and was closer to an actual conflict. Outside the ACC this would be exceptional, and you still stand out with the weight and imagery of your writing.


Areas For Improvement

The Proconsul stiffened, then at them up quickly.

Not sure what this was supposed to be.

I mean— I did nae mean

Need to be consistent with spacing on the em-dash. Either both before and after, or not at all.