Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae vs. Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes

Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Sith, Shadow, Obelisk
Comment

Hey folks, thanks for finishing this match, it was an interesting read, and there are definite strengths on which you can both build and things that need to be improved to varying degrees to elevate further what is already pretty good writing.

So before I go into individual feedback, I'm going to mention something that was apparent when I read through this match. It feels like a lot more could have been done with it, you both fell under 500 words in your first post then didn't exceed it by more than 100 words in your second. Time management is very important in the ACC, you can have all the fancy ideas in the world, but if you don't get it in your post because you have to just get something in, that's wasted potential right there.

Bentre, you do a good job of establishing your character's motivations for fighting Tahiri, though I feel like that came at the expense of action in the first post. There's a little at the end but setting up the scene takes up a majority of the post, forgoing a sense of balance between the two that's needed in an opening post. Syntax-wise you were solid, though there's always room for improvement, perhaps taking time to get another set of eyes on a post would help you. I mention in the post comments about the end of your second post, I found it to be a little immersion breaking and disrupted the continuity of what you'd already written. I like to try and get a 'content sweep' done, essentially proofreading looking at the content and not to see if a word isn't spelt in the right way, perhaps this is something you could do in the future. I would also caution against including references to things that aren't immediately obvious by looking at the character sheet, while not a Realism error, it does affect the completeness of the story you're trying to tell. Overall, you are a solid writer with room to grow, and I look forward to seeing you do so.

Tahiri, good to see you again. I liked how you were able to add to the pre-established story and manage to hint at potential future encounters in your writing, and this is something you should definitely keep trying to do, I suggest one way of doing so in the post comments. Likewise, I also offer a suggestion for how to keep on top of article usage, though there were instances of missing or extra punctuation, usually commas though there was a sentence you forgot to punctuate at the end. You are definitely a strong writer, as demonstrated by your writing in this match and I hope to see you improve further in the future.

Thanks again for your participation, now we come to a conclusion. The scores show Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae to be the winner with a score of 4.25.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae , Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes
Winner Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 29 September, 2018 7:20 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Your second post is put together better than your first in this regard, though overall the posts weren't affected by any issues of readability due to Syntax. Rationale: Largely sound, but issues are present. I've expanded on one issue I found more prominent in your second post, but a four is generally the highest most people get.
Story - 40%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: You take the established story of the event and run with it but don't really develop much outside of that until after something's been presented. Rationale: You largely follow on from the story presented, though the addition of including Bentre's ego and the way you ended your second post had this nudging at a four. Doing that kind of stuff more consistently would help get you there.
Realism - 25%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Something I'd keep an eye on is making sure you don't make references to things people would have to go and do research to find. It's not an error per se, but when Bentre was saying about not carrying the name of Versea lightly, to anyone reading the post they'd be like "But you don't" they'd have to look on his wiki to find that information. Rationale: Good job, you showed a good understanding of character's sheets.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Bentre Stahoes Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Bentre going from standing to being looked down on Tahiri happened out of nowhere and affected your score here. Rationale: Clean sweep.
Adept Bentre Stahoes's Score: 3.92 Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 4.25
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics—to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Countless scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

He had been following the Togruta for some time now. With each step, he kept expecting she would turn back. Every time that the smothering, dry wind would rustle the hair into his eyes, the human kept expecting to be discovered. The orders he had received aboard the Perdition were quite clear: he was here to act as a standard. He was meant to test this woman’s mettle. He had stalked, silent and invisible to the eye.

It is a shame, he mused silently, that we cannot properly test each other. There is nothing quite like the fear of death to inspire the best in people. He had briefly considered attacking the younger Sith when her Star Courier had first arrived. The thought had been brief, before the voices clawed at the back of his mind. They reminded him of his status. Bentre was a hunter. He had once claimed the title of assassin. He could not stoop to such weakness when a deserving hunt was presented to him. Though he would never admit such a thing to his wife, he found the Togruta subtly intriguing.

By all indication, Tahiri had not taken notice of him at all. She strode almost carefree across the sandy landscape, making her way toward the wreckage that served as a gravestone to an age long past. As time marched on, the once-proud symbol of Imperial might was being reclaimed by nature and decay. Yet, the Togruta seemed to study and regard piece after piece of useless, rusted junk. She seemed calm and collected. Bentre Stahoes was, by comparison, itching to break his Force-maintained cover. The thought of plunging his weapon into her naked, unprotected skin brought a wicked smile to the Sith’s face. In that moment, his prey’s stance seemed to stiffen slightly.

Did she sense my hunger? The Corellian fingered the larger, more worn of his mismatched pair of lightsabers.The Sadowan drew a slow breath, before he began stalking closer. Several quick steps brought him within striking distance. Jabbing the hidden blade attached to his off-hand with an extended finger, he felt and heard the stiletto blade click into place.

“Come on, little Togruta.” Bentre let out a purring growl as he twirled the weapon in the air. The Battlemaster turned toward him, extending her hand out and summoning her weapon to hand via the Force. As the lightsaber activated in a crackling snap, Tahiri deftly jumped back, holding her weapon in her right hand.

“What? Do you expect for me to just give up because you decided to announce yourself?” The woman waved the red tip in the Corellian’s general direction. Rather than waiting for the Sadowan’s response, the shorter Sith leapt forward, striking out and forcing Bentre to bring his lightsaber around to his right side in a block.

“Hey, just remember I gave you an out.” Stahoes smiled as he pushed his opponent back.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 1 October, 2018 6:50 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

POV


The post starts off from one POV and sticks to it throughout. While not the most glamorous accomplishment, being technically sound helps build a solid foundation on which the rest of the post is built. I would suggest reading fiction that comes from more than one POV, as it can provide a more complete image than just following a single character. Ultimately it does come down to preference but knowing the strengths and weaknesses of each provides options.

Can Be Improved

Lights, Camera, What Comes Next?


The post suffers from a lack of any real action taking place within it. Both characters pull out weapons, and Tahiri jumps back a little, but that’s right at the end of your post. Combined with the word count for the post this gives me the impression that the post was rushed and that it could’ve benefitted from being planned out more. Perhaps dedicating to figuring out what the post wants to do and the time in which it would be written. I find being organised is key to doing well in the ACC. The first post is tasked with finding a balance between exposition and conflict. I find assessing both character sheets involved and finding ways to incorporate the venue helps to enrich the story being told.

“What makes you think I wanted an out?” a sly smile spread across Tahiri’s face, as her eyes glinted with mischievousness. She gracefully flipped backwards out of the reach of the Battlelord’s saber swing. Spinning in place, then stopping in a low crouch, Tahiri had reversed the grip of her Rune lightsaber defensively, while simultaneously pulling her blacked-out vibrosword with her left hand.

“I have to say, you did a pretty good job of staying out of sight,” the Togruta stood to her full height, tilting her head slightly, watching the Corellian. “But did you really think that you could truly sneak up on a hunter?”

Tahiri noticed the sudden stiffening of the Corellian’s body. Knowing she had struck some sort of nerve, the Togruta was however unsure if she should anger the man more or not.

“Ha, little Togruta, do you really think that YOU are a hunter?” the Corellian retorted, with a dark grin. “I, Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes, am a great hunter! You certainly do not have the experience I have.”

“Well, Bentre,” Tahiri replied with a dark smile. “I guess we’ll just have to find who the better hunter is.”

It would certainly be more fun to push him. But I best not press my luck too far, until I know more about this man.

She darted forward, slashing and thrusting, testing for any weaknesses. Blocking his attacks with her saber, while trying to slip her vibrosword between any openings that presented themselves. Tahiri was starting to see that it was going to be difficult to unbalance the Corellian, so she took a more evasive tactic.

Almost dancing in front of Bentre, the Togruta agilely spun and twisted, while dipping and dodging any retaliatory blows. The two fighters moved across the sand, soon finding themselves within a large broken off portion of the shadowy ruins. A quick flurry of strikes made Bentre back up just a bit, trying to keep a full view of Tahiri, although still remaining solid.

“You are a sporadic little thing, aren’t you?” Bentre grinned, blocking and dodging several more quick blows. The Corellian began to press forward with his own straightforward attack, pushing the Togruta back towards a partially collapsed hallway, hoping to corner her.

Tahiri ducked and dodged as saber met saber, and her sword blade skidded off his hidden bracer blade. The Battlemaster realized that she was losing ground fast, and like prey was being pushed to where Bentre wanted her to go.

Oh Kark! No way are you doing this to me! Tahiri broke off and stepped back, gathering the Force into her limbs. Running forward, the Togruta feinted an attack, instead launching herself to the left and deftly kicking off from the bulkhead wall. Dodging Bentre’s saber swing to keep her where he wanted her, Tahiri leaped over his blade and rolling forward landed behind him in a crouch.

“Come on hunter,” Tahiri taunted. “Let’s see what more you got.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 1 October, 2018 11:11 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Tying into Aspects


“Ha, little Togruta, do you really think that YOU are a hunter?” the Corellian retorted, with a dark grin. “I, Bentre Kairn'tel Stahoes, am a great hunter! You certainly do not have the experience I have.”

I have chosen to highlight this section because it actually manages to show off an understanding of Bentre’s character by having the dialogue reflect two of his aspects. Both the Hunter, Not Prey and “She Let Him Pontificate…” aspects make it feel like something Bentre would say. Looking for chances to relate actions to aspects can really help strengthen a post

Can Be Improved

Venue Usage


There are a few points within the post where little snippets mention something that ties into the venue. Now, this is good as you don’t want the venue to be the main focus over any combat, but you can also afford to make more of the venue than the post does. I would suggest adding more detail when you do highlight the venue.

She pokes the wolf in the eye. The familiar, low tones tugged at the edge of his consciousness. They were a silent reminder of things to come. The voices would just be the start. He wanted to keep a clear head. Striding forward, the Battlelord put some distance between himself and the Togruta before turning around to face the Plagueian Sith.

“You really, really should think through your requests before you speak. I do not choose my words lightly. I am an opponent more than worthy of your skill. I do not lightly carry the name of Versea into battle. I am the-”

Tahiri had not halted for his words. The boasts were cut short as her stalking forward was punctuated by a reverse-gripped strike, which forced Stahoes to bring his lightsaber around in a hard, awkward swing to block the attack. Shuffling backwards, he pulled his weapon back to intercept another attack. As the female Sith struck time and time again, the Corellian came to a realization.

With a loud snarl, Bentre pitched his lightsaber in a tight arc at Tahiri. The woman twirled out of the path of the attack as the Battlelord closed the distance between the two of them. The Sadowan twirled the stiletto-blade of his bracer in a tight circle before jabbing out in a ferocious stab.

Almost instantly, Bentre regretted drawing in so closely. The shorter Sith brought her lightsaber and vibroblade up in a strike. The vibrosword blow was ineffective as the swing of the secondary weapon failed to do aught but deflect from the unyielding surface of the Corellian’s metallic arm. The lightsaber, by comparison, managed to easily slice into the shell of the bionic before separating the device from its owner.

Faho!” Stahoes reeled back with such force that he nearly lost his footing. Rather than biting back the pain that he felt, the Corellian chose to focus upon it, drawing upon the Force as he focused on the anger which accompanied the pain. Tahiri strode quickly toward him, a thirst for blood evident in her eyes. The woman had drawn just short of striking distance when she saw her opponent stretch out his arm. Four fingers extended as a flash of purple-white light crackled across the digits, serving as her only warning before the energy forked out. She did not have a chance to twist or turn before she was struck, squarely in the chest.

“Give it up.” the Plagueian gritted her teeth against the pain, dropping the vibroblade from her off-hand to clutch at the point of contact.

“That is not the way this game works, girl.” The Battlelord grimaced as he stretched his right arm across his body to unclip the secondary lightsaber still secured to his left side. “For one who fancies herself a hunter, you are pretty quick to give up on the hunt.” The blue energy blade erupted with a crack and a buzz and it bathed the pair in its icy light. There was an oddly distant look in the man’s eyes as Tahiri looked down at him.

Whether it was pain or whatever else that distracted him, it did not matter. She felt no pity for the wounded Sadowan at her feet. Shifting her weight back on one foot, the Togruta shot her body forward and brought the weapon across the wrist of her opponent. The strike cleaved through flesh with little but the smell of burnt flesh and a gurgling cry from the Corellian.

“The battle is done.” Tahiri’s words were a mere whisper, inaudible over the pained cries of her prey.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 2 October, 2018 1:16 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Combat Writing


The post does a good job of portraying combat between Bentre and Tahiri I was able to visualise the scene in my head without being overly reliant on my imagination due to the skill with which it was written. I would suggest doing this more often, using the sheets to highlight each character’s strength. You could also do more to incorporate the venue into the combat.

Can Be Improved

Continuity


The post has Bentre reeling back to where he almost loses his footing but because there’s no elaboration on this it seems odd when later on in the post, Tahiri, who is 7 inches shorter, is looking down at him. If Bentre had maintained his footing, he would be looking down at her. I would recommend making sure that if it’s something you want to follow up on later to make sure to explain that he’s not on his feet. Additional proofreading would also help to catch things like this in the future.

Bentre brought his blue saber down in a direct and powerful hammering blow that would have split Tahiri in two, if she didn’t roll out of the way just in time. Staying low the Togruta dashed in and out of the reach of the Corellian’s blade, thrusting, slashing, and clashing with his blades.

As a true predator would.

Tahiri stayed as mobile as she could, without over exhausting herself. Studying the Corellian as he made certain advances toward her, his strikes being quite straightforward and at times overbearing.

The Togruta found it interesting how Bentre seemed to be enjoying himself, when she was just out of reach and had to dodge every time his blade swept toward her. However, he would also get pissed off when she came in for an attack of her own, as she would make him move and dodge against her blows.

There was a pause in the clashes and both hunters were breathing hard from trying to get the upper hand. Tahiri was crouched on the encroaching sand that threatened to engulf the ruins around them, while Bentre stood, eyes searching, in a wide footed stance ready for any movement or attack.

“What’s the matter, little Togruta? Thinking you bit off more than you could chew?” Bentre asked sarcastically.

“No.” Tahiri began to gather the Force within her, feeling it seep into her muscles. Standing to her full height, and in a displaying fashion, Tahiri twirled her blades. She could see the twitching of the Corellian’s muscles in his neck.

“Nothing my fangs can’t sink in to and tear a chunk off!”

Baring her sharp teeth in a wicked grin, the crimson skinned Togruta launched herself at the man, blades crossed. She began a acrobatic display of attacks, quickly hitting at any opening and then bouncing back out of danger.

Bentre watched how the Togruta moved, there were points he could tell where her movements blended from one to another with ease. Though some moves became more unpredictable than the last, a twist or parry would turn unpredictably into a thrust or twirl, usually ending in either an advancement in position or a retreat.

As the irritating, flitting Togruta came closer

Tahiri methodically pushed and pulled Bentre into the position she wanted him in, a way to end it quickly and quietly. Augmenting her moves, a little at time during key points. Seeing that the end of this hunt would soon be over, the Togrutan woman pivoted slashing at Bentre, then feinting and hitting the wall instead. Though, instead hearing the satisfactory crash of debre, a harsh crackle filled the air and searing pain filled her body. The Togruta lost all senses and her blades dropped away from her hands, as she crashed to floor, unconscious.

As Tahiri had launched herself for the final attack, Bentre reached for the Force, and sent a powerful bolt of lightning from his right hand. The Corellian felt a painful tingling sensation run up his entire arm and bore itself into his shoulder muscles.

Swearing aloud and dropping his saber, Bentre looked down at the little Togruta sprawled out on the sand

“I hope we meet again, Togruta. I have unfinished business with you, my sweet little prey.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 2 October, 2018 2:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There’s More To This Story


The post does a good job of setting up future encounters between Bentre and Tahiri through the use of dialogue at the end of the post. This is important because matches are ultimately a snapshot into the lives of the characters involved, they will, assuming they don’t die, go on to do other things. Ensuring the match has a winner and loser but leaving the door open to future encounters is something I’m a fan of. I would encourage you to have this in mind from the start of the match so not only can you start thinking of how to get to your ending, but you can also sow the seeds of future confrontations.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


Throughout the post, there are a number of syntax issues that rear their heads. Mostly it’s the indefinite article a(n) and the definite article the. I would suggest looking into these, when to use them and applying that to your writing. For example, a becomes an when the next word begins with a vowel and the can be used alongside things like Plagueian or Sadowan because we know Tahiri is a member of Plagueis and Bentre of Naga Sadow respectively.