Commander Riku Amahara vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Commander Riku Amahara

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Loyalist, Infiltrator, Krath
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Let me start off by thanking you both for participating in the Guests of the Matron competition. I hope you enjoyed the venue and the prompts for this event.

Overall your posts were clean from a Syntax standpoint, you only had minor errors which didn't detract from the overall flow of reading. There were also no continuity errors that I could see from either poster. Story and realism is where you both ran into issues. Both of you completely neglected to have any conflict between the characters in your first posts. It wasn't until the third post that the conflict started in earnest. You both used the venue well with some creative traps and room arrangement. Riku's posts generally had more action and description while Andrelious' were almost too dialogue heavy and skipped past some critical action that needed some more description. Ultimately it was the endings that really separated you two. While Riku's ending was somewhat average it was technically sound in that it resolved the conflict. Andrelious' ending didn't have a clear winner which is essential to the ACC. Realism was a wash as you both had two minor detractors apiece. See my comments in the posts themselves for further details.

Story score was the determining factor in this match, but even if the scores were tied then Riku would still prevail based on the endings alone. This match was reviewed by a second judge.

All that being said, I look forward to seeing additional matches from both of you. Please don't take these comments as discouragement. With some minor tweaking in story and closer adherence to realism you both will do very well in your future matches. The ACC staff is available if you have any questions.

Riku Amahara is the winner

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Commander Riku Amahara , Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Commander Riku Amahara
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Commander Riku Amahara 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: The Gauntlet
Last Post 21 November, 2016 11:41 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had a few confusing sentences and some word repetition. Rationale: You had some typos that a good proofer or second read through would have caught.
Story - 40%
Deleted Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: You had the same detractor as Riku with absolutely no conflict in your initial post. Beyond that your ending was problematic for multiple reasons. See my comments to the final post. The deus ex machina and lack of resolution in the ending brought you from a 3 to a 2. Rationale: The lack of conflict between the characters in your opening post was a detractor. You had some decent action but overall your story lacked any punch or wow factor to it. Riku's motivation of "I must prove myself" for initiating the conflict did not result in a compelling story.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You described the initial effects of the poison well then completely waived them off when you restarted combat. The blinding with a lightsaber thing you did was also problematic from a realism standpoint. See my comments to your second and final post. Rationale: You neglected to address Andrelious' precognition in your second post and severally understated the damage of three blaster bolts in your final post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Deleted's Score: 3.4 Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.8
Posts

Matron_TheGauntlet

The Godless Matron was once a Trade Federation battleship, crewed by countless droid workers. Since then, many sections of the ship have fallen into disrepair due to the sheer amount of manpower involved in its maintenance. As a result, parts of the central sphere of the Lucrehulk-class battleship has been left to the ravages of time and the scars of the Clone War itself.

The crew has come to refer to this section of the Matron as The Gauntlet, largely due to the danger it represents. Located in the lower regions of the command sphere, it is a crosshatched network of ruined and damaged hallways, repair bays, and even crew quarters. While most power has been shut off to this section — save for critical systems such as life support — the systems and circuitry still require occasional maintenance in order to keep the entire framework operational. Such tech runs have become a matter of betting amongst the crew, earning it the nickname: running the gauntlet.

Matron_HangarZerek

A heavy layer of dust sits mostly undisturbed along the debris of the halls, save for the footprints of the few crew that have tread the path before. These previously walked paths are a safety net for those who venture into The Gauntlet unknowingly. It is also thought that the remaining Separatist forces staged a last ditch defense within this area of the ship, and did so by any means necessary. Many traps, ranging from explosives to spring-loaded mechanisms, are littered throughout the untravelled pathways — or even still undisturbed within the known sections. Further still, malfunctioning B1 droids and even semi-active Spy Drones remain, ready to ambush the unsuspecting observer and adding to the dangers of the dark, debris filled tomb The Gauntlet has become.

Countless perils awaited those who ventured into the furthest depths of the Gauntlet. This fact was known to the crew of the Godless Matron better than most. There was opportunity, however, when the right circumstances presented themselves. The Herald had offered safe passage and not an entirely small sum of credits to whomsoever managed to 'run the Gauntlet' successfully. The proof of such a feat lay deep within the labyrinthine halls themselves, with a banner bearing the Herald's crest waiting to be claimed.

The risks of the Gauntlet alone were enough to dissuade most, but the crew of the Godless Matron had insured that the ante, so to speak, was to be raised. Those who entered the Gauntlet would do so from varying access points, and all would gain entry at the same designated intervals until the prize was claimed.

His breath almost frosted before it left his mouth. Whoever was running what remained of the ship had clearly neglected to turn the heating on, he’d need to have words with them later. If there is a later, the Nihilgenia thought to himself as he peered around the barely lit corridors. Hmm, what’s the worst that could happen anyway? As if on cue, something scurried haphazardly along the floor to his left and he turned, drawing a bead with his rifle before realizing it was nothing more than vermin.

“Bloody thing,” the clone muttered, as he set off down the nearest corridor, his voice echoed around him unnervingly. After that, he stayed quiet, allowing himself to focus and slip back into the right mindset required for the mission.

Darkness crept about him as he descended down twisted corridors. Twice, he found himself backtracking after taking a dead end. The third time it happened he was sure he heard something behind him, but as he turned to confront whatever it was he found nothing. As he moved away from the dead end something caught his eye and he crouched to investigate. Lying softly in the dust were footprints and as he inspected closer he realized there was more than one set. Score, the thought entered his head and he had to agree with its assessment. Pushing himself back up the infiltrator began his journey once more.

Time passed, though stripped of most his gear he had little inclination to exactly how much actually had. The footprints appeared to go nowhere in any sort of hurry and Riku was growing bored. One junction after another, followed by another. Twice he picked up that another pair of footprints had joined the original pair...and then it hit him. He had been going in circles and following himself.

His fist struck the wall. “Damn this ship!”

“Damn this ship,” his voice came back. But it sounded different. “Bloody thing.”

That wasn’t him.

He gingerly followed the voice and as he came to the next corner a soft whirring noise filled his helmet and he stopped, pressed himself tight against the wall and peered around the corner. A red flash of a blaster discharge ricocheted off the wall near him. The glimpse was enough to tell him what he was up against. A spy droid.

He drew his sidearm. Another peer, another shot but this time he had his bearings. He dived out of cover and fired off three shots. Each shot was met by a satisfying ding, followed by a larger ding as the droid collided with the floor. The satisfaction of the kill was quickly replaced by mild confusion as the fallen droid let out a dying, static-laden scream. As quickly as it began it stopped but only to be replaced by the sounds of half a dozen metallic feet clapping against the floor.

The small squad of barely assembled B1 Battle Droids rounded the corner and began opening fire. The trained soldier did the only thing he knew how to in this scenario. He ran.

Bolting down the corridor the spy droid had been in, rounding three corners and clambering over fallen debris that littered the floor. As he dropped down easily onto the corridor beyond and rose to his feet Riku grimaced. Before him stood three more B1’s, they turned and raised their rifles which bucked simultaneously. Riku dove to the ground, the impact half winding him. As he attempted to gain another bead on the droids a red glow descended, disemboweling the droids. As the parts hit the floor the Nihilgenia took in his rescuer.

He was dumpy with whitening hair reflected in the glow of the lightsaber and his face. His face looked aged beyond his years. Riku pushed himself to his feet.

“I guess I should thank you,” he began.

“Yes, you probably should. Being here was purely by accident, if I hadn’t been corralled into this tunnel you’d be a corpse,” he didn’t extend a hand to help the clone to his feet but took in the insignia on the Nihilgenia’s armor. “Keibatsu? Here?”

Riku shook his head. “Not as such no, a soldier in their employ.” he watched the man's face change to a sneer but nothing more was said. “Riku Amahara, Aedile of House Marka Ragnos,” he waited for some sort of response. “You are?”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 26 November, 2016 9:58 PM UTC

Syntax

Score, the thought entered his head and he had to agree with its assessment.

You use italics to signify thoughts in the rest of this post yet do not here. Either is technically correct but you need to be consistent in your use of formatting.

Pushing himself back up the infiltrator began his journey once more.

You need a comma after up.

Story

He had been going in circles and following himself.

"Show, don't tell" is a big thing we preach at the ACC but I think you took it a little too far here. You have a short word cap in this event and it took you 295 words out of your 750 to get to this point. You could have shown the reader this level of the ship was a labyrinth in less time. Your imagery was wonderful and helped you, I was just left wondering when the plot was going to start.

Related to the slow start is the fact there was no real conflict between the characters. This would have been an outstanding run-on post but the ACC rubric requires conflict between the characters: "That said, if a post contains no actual combat or engagement between the two fighters, this will be considers a detractor to Story scoring.

“I do not normally identify myself to those in other Clans, but, I believe that we have a mutual friend. Is Sanguinius still your Proconsul?” Andrelious questioned.

Riku nodded.

“I am Andrelious Mimosa-Inahj. Aedile of House Dinaari,” the Warlord continued.

“Taldryan? I thought most of you were wiped out,” the clone answered.

“You would be surprised what you can live through. Anyway, I just saved your backside. I will be clear. I don’t care what the Herald has planned. I am here to deal with her and anyone else on Pravus’ little Council. I want you to help get me out of this so-called Gauntlet,” Andrelious demanded.

“If we both survive, I don’t really care what else you do. Clearly you have your own familial loyalties,” Riku responded.

The answer seemed enough to satisfy the Sith. Andrelious did not like the situation at all. He couldn’t sense droids, and Riku seemed to be little more than the soldier he claimed to be. The fact that the B1 droids that he’d already encountered were still dangerous, even half a century after the Clone Wars, left the Warlord wondering just how the Jedi of old had ever managed to do so well against the Separatists.

“Our best bet is to keep moving. Did anyone mention one of the Herald’s banners to you?” Riku asked.

“Yes. Sorenn herself told me she’d send me on my way if I get hold of it. Hopefully that will give me clear passage to finish my own mission. Shall we?” Andrelious responded.

“Just be aware that I know how to deal with your kind,” Riku warned.

Nodding in response, Andrelious craned his neck to look around at several potential ways forward. Gingerly stepping forward, the Warlord kept a tight grip on his lightsaber, ready to deal with any ambushes that the antique droids dared to set up. As he continued to advance, the floor gave way slightly under his feet.

Almost immediately, a panel in a nearby wall slid open, revealing five fully armed battle droids.

“D-d-drop your weapon, J-Jedi,” one of the droids ordered, its voice stuttering as a result of age and lack of maintenance.

Turning to Riku, Andrelious nodded. The clone returned the gesture, and began firing his ion rifle at their shared enemy. The Warlord charged towards the droids, making sure to give his ally’s shots plenty of room.

Smashing his lightsaber through the rearmost of the B1s, Andrelious smirked as the Sadowan’s ion bolts shattered the rest of the small squad of droids.

“Excellent shooting. I can see I’m going to have to be careful with you,” the Sith observed.

“Perhaps you should focus on being more careful where you tread. There’ll be plenty more of those traps,” Riku hissed.

“You think you’re so clever? You lead the way!” Andrelious snapped back.

“I don’t like the idea of having a Sith behind me. I don’t fancy a lightsaber through my back,” the clone replied coldly.

Ignoring the slight, the Warlord proceeded forward, taking a little more care with where he stepped. Behind him, Riku appeared to be watching everywhere at once. The Sadowan skipped around another trap plate as he moved forwards.

Andrelious stopped as he reached another fork in the tunnels. There were two ways forward. Both were pitch black, and the Sith couldn’t sense any kind of life in the vicinity, aside from Riku.

“Any ideas?” the Warlord asked.

“You’re the one with the Force. You tell me,” Riku sneered.

“All I know is that there’s nothing alive in either tunnel. We’ll be going in blind,” Andrelious replied, trying to hide his growing annoyance.

After a few moments of pondering, the Sith opted for the left hand tunnel. Riku followed, staying around fifteen paces behind. Far enough to give him ample time to react to what he felt was the inevitable betrayal. It also gave him just enough distance to notice Andrelious step on another floor trap.

As he once again felt the floor give way, the Taldryanite looked around, expecting another wall panel. Instead, he heard a buzzing sound behind him. Turning on his heel, Andrelious spotted a force field had activated, cutting the way back towards the fork off.

“Well, we won’t be changing our minds, then,” the Warlord remarked.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 November, 2016 1:22 AM UTC

Syntax

Turning on his heel, Andrelious spotted a force field had activated, cutting the way back towards the fork off.

This sentence is awkward as written. It should be "Andrelious spotted a force field [that] had activated".

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 26 November, 2016 10:22 PM UTC

Story

You would be surprised what you can live through.

I liked this line and the additional bits of humor I see in your posts. Humor isn't a requirement by any stretch but an appropriate amount of snark fits Andrelious well and gives him more flavor.

You made the same mistake here of having no conflict between the characters. Not doing it in a first post where you have to set the scene is bad enough but in a second post where your opponent has already set up the characters meeting is worse. Again, this would have been a great run-on post but didn't conform to the ACC standard. I will point out that you did a good job foreshadowing the inevitable conflict in this post, but the rubric requires conflict in every post.

Silence descended upon the pair as they trudged through and over debris, scrap metal and bits and pieces of things they didn’t want to think about. Several times they had to stop, backtrack and try the other passages. Each grew increasingly more irritated with the other and it was beginning to show.

“Do you even have an idea where you are going?” The Sith snapped as they rounded another corner into a dead end. “We don’t seem to be going anywhere,” an audible sigh escaped his lips causing Riku to simply turn on his heel and push past his slightly overweight companion with more force than necessary. In the corner of his vision, he noticed the man bring his hand down to his saber before it moved away again..

“I have no idea, no. If I did I wouldn’t be here nor leading us purposefully into a dead end,” Riku kept his tone as civil as he could. This wasn’t the first time Andrelious had asked him the same question and it was getting a little old. “Why don’t you just lead for once, or is it beyond your abilities? Leading that is?”

A scowl crossed the other man's face and the rebuttal came in the form of Riku being shoved aside as the Sith took the lead. The Nihilgenia rolled his eyes and followed along. He’d been mildly relieved they had yet to run into any more droids,since the last small scrap and he peered down at this disruptor rifle, noting the weapon was yet to cool down. A pain but something he was used to dealing with. Looking back up to the Sith before him he truly hoped he wouldn’t need it anytime soon.

They came to another junction, something Riku was beginning to grow tired of. They peered around the corners and ensured there were no droids. The pair thanked their lucky stars that there wasn’t. Riku moved away from the Sith down the junction on the left and as he walked he felt a small flutter of a breeze, a few more footsteps, and a gut feeling hit him. He looked down and noted, though faded severely, footprints in the dust. They appeared to lead towards the breeze and Riku had a hunch potentially towards where they needed to go.

“Find anything?” The voice carried down the empty corridor towards him and he turned on his heel, scuffing the footprints as he went and moved back towards the junction. Andrelious peered at him as he approached. “Well?”

Riku shook his head. “Sadly not, it appears it turns back on itself. It would probably lead us back to where we’ve been. Let's take the right-hand path.” The lie flowed off his lips freely but Andrelious didn’t seem to catch it as he rose, nodded and headed down the other path. Andrelious had only walked about fifty feet before an audible click replaced the silence.

“What the?” Andrelious began before the floor below him dropped away. Drawing on the Force, he pushed himself up and backward but not quickly or far enough. One hand managed to take hold of the lip of the newly formed pit as his body smashed hard into the side forcing the wind from his lungs. A deafening clank reached their ears as the fake floor smashed into the ground below. “Help me up, damn you,” he managed to get out before taking in another breath. He looked up as Riku approached and dropped to one knee, offering his left hand for the Sith to grasp. “Thank you.”

The grip tightened and as he scrambled up, conferring some of his weight to the clone’s grasp. “I’m sorry, but I need to prove myself,” Riku muttered. Andrelious looked up confused before groaning in pain as the Nihilgenia’s hidden blade activated, sliding from its sheath on his left wrist and digging into the arm of the struggling man. Inhibiting poison seeped into Andrelious’s body and he felt the clone let go of his hand, then Riku’s foot stomped down twice on his grasping hand breaking his grip.

As the Taldryan fell, he let out another cry. Riku didn’t stand around to watch having, already turned his back on the pit, and jogging back to where he saw the footprints. The Nihilgenia pushed past the area and dived back into the dark winding corridors.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 26 November, 2016 10:40 PM UTC

Syntax

He’d been mildly relieved they had yet to run into any more droids,since the last small scrap and he peered down at this disruptor rifle, noting the weapon was yet to cool down.

Spacing between droids and since.

Story

Your use of imagery and descriptive language in this post was excellent. However, your introduction of the conflict itself was a bit jarring for the reader. On the one hand this is a good thing because the reader is just as surprised as Andrelious is. On the other hand, you missed an opportunity here to foreshadow the betrayal or even have both combatants plotting against each other. In this particular case you needed something to lead into the betrayal. How long was Riku plotting it? Was it a spur of the moment decision?

Realism

“I’m sorry, but I need to prove myself,” Riku muttered. Andrelious looked up confused before groaning in pain as the Nihilgenia’s hidden blade activated, sliding from its sheath on his left wrist and digging into the arm of the struggling man.

So this is a minor realism ding. Andrelious has +3 Precognition which allows him to "anticipate danger several seconds in advance." This doesn't preclude a surprise attack but you need to account for the precog. He would have some sort of warning, especially when Riku basically telegraphed the attack before carrying it out. Whether or not Andrelious could have reacted in a meaningful way is an open question but you needed to at least show the precog in action.

As the poison from Riku’s weapon began to take effect, Andrelious found himself losing all feeling in his upper body. The pain from where the clone had stamped on his hand, an action that was likely to have broken or at least fractured some of the Warlord’s fingers, lost its sharpness and was replaced with a dull, almost numb feeling.

The Warlord knew very little about poisons, so he moved as best he could into a more comfortable position; one that allowed him to assess his surroundings. He examined the walls of the pit, looking for a ladder or other means of climbing his way out. As he looked, he willed the Force to increase his circulation, hoping to push Riku’s poison from his body a little more rapidly than the clone would have expected. The Sith’s heart began to beat harder and faster, forcing Andrelious to breathe more heavily as he tried to divide his focus between escaping both pit and poison.

On his third look around, Andrelious spotted a grille on the far wall. He manoeuvred himself onto his front and dragged himself towards the grille with his knees.

Even the twins didn’t need to do this! I’m frakking crippled! the Warlord thought, cursing the fact that he still couldn’t feel his arms.

Moments later, Andrelious felt pain surging through his fingers. The sudden return of sensation to his upper body caused him to lose his balance momentarily, but he steadied himself and resumed his movement towards the grille.

The Warlord peered inside the grille. Inside appeared to be a metal lever, set in the downward position. A number of cables extended away from the lever into the wall, but Andrelious couldn’t ascertain what they were for. A quick study of the grille itself revealed it was made of durasteel; thick enough that cutting through it with a lightsaber would take time that Mimosa-Inahj probably didn’t have.

Nothing to lose here!

Though feeling a little drained from the action of purging the poison, the Sith called on the Force, commanding it to push the lever upwards. As the lever moved, Andrelious felt the previously dislodged floor begin to move back into its original position.

A reset switch. Interesting.

Without wasting any time, Andrelious began to track Riku via the Force, hoping rather than knowing that the only other significant life form that he could sense was his ally turned target. He moved towards the clone’s suspected location, tending to his injured fingers whilst he moved along, his strides those of a brisk walk. He passed the wreckage of a few more B1 droids, suspecting that Riku had run into a little more trouble as he’d continued his search for Morgan’s banner.

Having reached a three way fork, the Warlord unhesitantly took the middle tunnel. He held tightly onto his lightsaber, its blade bathing the area in an almost eerie crimson hue.

Rounding a corner, Andrelious smirked inwardly as he saw Riku finishing off yet another battle droid. The soldier appeared unhurt, if a little fatigued from continual running and fighting. The Warlord deactivated his lightsaber in favour of his E-11 Blaster, pointing it directly at the Marka Ragnos Aedile as he moved into range.

“Time for payback, you clone bastard,” Andrelious whispered under his breath as he squeezed his weapon’s trigger.

Riku, hearing the familiar sound of a blaster discharging, turned almost immediately. Without thinking twice, the soldier dived to the ground, evading the Warlord’s shot by a couple of inches.

“You wanted to prove yourself? Now is your chance. Stop running like a coward. I’m pretty sure that isn’t the Keibatsu way,” Andrelious challenged.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 26 November, 2016 11:09 PM UTC

Syntax

You used the word "grille" five times in this post.

Story

“You wanted to prove yourself? Now is your chance. Stop running like a coward. I’m pretty sure that isn’t the Keibatsu way,” Andrelious challenged.

I loved this line.


You had an excellent depiction of Andrelious struggling with the effects of the poison and generally did a good job in this post of setting up the final confrontation.

Realism

The Warlord deactivated his lightsaber in favour of his E-11 Blaster, pointing it directly at the Marka Ragnos Aedile as he moved into range.

This is a minor realism detractor as a poison strong enough to paralyze Andrelious from the waist up wouldn't have completely worn off that quickly, even with the Force. He wouldn't have been able to aim his blaster that precisely with the lingering effects of the poison.

Riku ignored the jibe as another torrent of blaster fire echoed over his head. No more insults came as the Taldryan doubled his efforts to take the Nihilgenia out, likewise, the clone doubled his efforts to avoid the blaster fire. One shot, followed by another caught the armour just above the shoulder turning a cartwheel into a tumble, followed by a heavy fall onto his back knocking the wind from him.

A laugh reached his ears as Andrelious approached, rifle pointing directly at the soldier's head. “So this is the best the Keibatsu send? Kind of expected more from them,” he mocked. He noticed Riku’s gaze was looking beyond his shoulder, upwards beyond something the Warlord couldn’t see. “Stop ignoring me, what is it you are looking at?”

The commander's voice came out deadpan, uninterested in the mockery his opponent attempted to inflict upon him. “The prize, of course, the whole point in this venture. Right there,” he pointed above the man's shoulder. “Too busy mocking me you didn’t even get a good look of the room. I expected more from a Taldryan, but I guess not too much.”

A flash of anger crossed the seeker's face. He couldn’t help but look over his shoulder momentarily to see if the clone lied. He hadn’t. The banner fluttered wistfully unaware of the conflict below it. The momentary distraction was all Riku needed however as his blaster, resting in his hand, rocked out three shots. Each shot struck the Taldryan hard. Two passed through his side and the third shot punctured his leg,dropping him hard to his undamaged knee. He attempted to raise his blaster in response but Riku kicked out, catching the damaged hand and causing Andrelious to whine in pain.

The scene, if observed by an outside force would have been amusing if it hadn’t been so serious. Riku wounded began losing feeling in his arm, Andrelious his side stung but the pain in his leg was blinkering. He winced, attempted to stop tears from streaming from the corner of his eyes. He ignored the clone before him, who had pushed himself up and was making his way across to a service ladder, instead of attempting to draw upon the Force to heal some of the wounds inflicted upon him.

Riku reached up with his left hand grasped one of the bars, placed both his feet below and began to climb one-handed. Pulling himself up, stopping, raising his hand to grasp the next rung and again pulling himself up. The climb was tedious, tiring and as he looked up he noted the height he still needed to climb. He dared not look behind him as all that mattered to him was the banner. Each rung brought more strain and by the time he finally reached the top he was exhausted, sweat ran down the inside of his helmet and began to collect at the base of his neck. He began to feel claustrophobic and his breath began to tremble with each passing moment.He yanked himself over the lip, rolled onto his black and momentarily stared at the vast ceiling that sprawled out before him.

Pushing himself over he rose dizzily and began making his way to the banner's location. As he neared he felt his heartbeat raise, his footsteps began to hurry and he almost burst into a jog before he felt a hand grasp around his ankle, tripping him. He hit the railing and held on for dear life as he stared down and into the eyes of the Taldryan warlord.

“You worm, I need that banner. I need to be the one to complete this to rise and challenge the Inquisition scum. Your goal means nothing, you are worthless,” he tried to yank the Nihilgenia down again. Riku’s anger rose and without thinking he let go off the barrier, reached around and drew his electro sword. Thumbing the activator he drove it down deep into the exposed shoulder of the man. A cry echoed around the room and Andrelious let go, falling taking the sword with him. Electricity coursing through the wounded shoulder.

Riku fell, agony sought to control him but he crawled along with the grit the Nihilgenia were famous for until one hand finally rested upon his goal. He yanked it free, tucked it inside his armour and sidled over to the wall resting himself against it, allowing sleep to take him.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 26 November, 2016 11:54 PM UTC

Syntax

Two passed through his side and the third shot punctured his leg,dropping him hard to his undamaged knee.

Spacing again and a few other places in this post.

Story

This ending did everything an ending was supposed to do and nothing more. The action was strong and there was a clear resolution at the end. Some of the action bits toward the end were a little hard to picture, I had to re-read a few passages to get the gist of where the combatants were in relation to one another.

Realism

Two passed through his side and the third shot punctured his leg,dropping him hard to his undamaged knee.

Andrelious wouldn't be able to stand after taking three bolts like this much less what you have him doing later in the post. Even Force healing couldn't mitigate that much damage in that short amount of time.

Riku leapt to his feet, whipping his Synergy blaster out of its holster. He fired two shots at Andrelious, who was in the process of switching back to his lightsaber. The crimson blade snapped into existence just in time to allow the Sith to deflect the blaster bolts away.

Cursing under his breath, the Nihilgenia continued to fire his blaster, each shot aimed at a different part of his target. Andrelious swung his lightsaber around, blocking everything, but the intensity of his enemy’s firepower was enough to prevent him from moving any closer.

“Come on, Amahara! I can’t imagine that a simple stalemate is good enough for you! Try something else!” Mimosa-Inahj yelled.

Riku did his best to ignore the Sith. He kept the barrage of blaster fire going, whilst stepping backwards to further increase the distance between himself and Andrelious.

Spinning on his heels, Riku, confident that he’d created enough of a gap, sprinted away into a nearby tunnel. He kept his eyes on the floor in front of him as he ran, occasionally glancing back to see where Andrelious was.

Rounding a corner, the clone realised he’d run into what appeared to be a dead end. In front of him was a large blast door. It looked a little newer than the rest of his surroundings, but Riku’s attention was drawn to another object. In one corner of the room was a neatly folded cloth, sporting the Herald’s logo.

Andrelious entered the area to be presented with Riku examining the banner.

“So that is what the Herald wanted us to find. How unfortunate for you that she placed it here. Shall I even bother to give you the chance to surrender the banner without a fight?” the Warlord questioned.

“You’re better off sparing me from that cliché,” Riku replied coolly. Before Andrelious could say any more, he started firing his blaster again, hoping to overwhelm the Sith’s defences.

As he batted away the seemingly constant stream of plasma, Mimosa-Inahj focused on his opponent’s blaster. With one flick of his wrist, the Warlord commanded the Force to tug at Riku’s weapon. The soldier felt the blaster slip in his hand slightly, and tightened his grasp, stopping firing to readjust himself.

Andrelious seized the window of opportunity. He extended his arms forward, discarding his lightsaber, and hit the Sadowan with a burst of lightning, aiming it as best he could at the clone’s head.

“You let your guard down. Typical clone!” Andrelious roared.

Riku was knocked back by the sheer power of the attack. He kept hold of his blaster, waiting for the right moment. As he glanced at the Sith, however, he realised that something was terribly wrong. Andrelious’ lightning had shorted out his cybernetic eye, which flickered on and off, affecting the soldier’s vision.

“Your reliance on technology is your downfall, clone. That and your failure to understand the power of the Force!” Mimosa-Inahj taunted, nearing the taller Human.

“I understand how powerless you are without it. That’s enough,” Riku spat.

“Powerless? Shall we see about that?” Andrelious responded, activating his second, black hilted lightsaber.

Aiming with his good eye, the Sadowan fired his blaster one last time, more out of defiance than anything else.

“I will not give you the satisfaction of my surrender, Sith!” Amahara hissed.

“And I am not going to give you the satisfaction of killing you!” the Warlord shouted.

Moving into Riku’s face, Mimosa-Inahj jabbed the tip of his lightsaber’s blade into the clone’s natural eye, just deep enough to destroy the optic nerve.

“Now it is not just the power of the Force that you are blind to,” Andrelious quipped, turning to retrieve the banner.

As he bent down to pick the cloth up, Andrelious felt his back get pierced by a small, metal object. He looked behind himself, spotting the blinded Riku retracting his hidden blade.

“It’s not just the Sith who can stab people in the back,” the Sadowan declared.

The blast door began to slide open. On the other side was a smirking Morgan Sorenn, along with a dozen Iron Legion troops.

“I think we’ll stop you two there. Before someone gets really hurt,” the Herald chuckled.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 November, 2016 12:10 AM UTC

Story

“You’re better off sparing me from that cliché,” Riku replied coolly.

Again, excellent use of dialogue.

“I think we’ll stop you two there. Before someone gets really hurt,” the Herald chuckled.

There are a number of problems with how you ended this. First, there was no clear winner in your ending. Riku got blinded and Andrelious got stabbed in the back. The fight just kind of ends. Second, Morgan showing up to end the fight prematurely is a deus ex machina (and against Morgan's character, as she wouldn't care enough to intervene but her aspects are outside the scope of this match). I would point you to the ACC guide section on NPCs.

Realism

Moving into Riku’s face, Mimosa-Inahj jabbed the tip of his lightsaber’s blade into the clone’s natural eye, just deep enough to destroy the optic nerve.

Same issue as before, I don't see how Andrelious could be that precise after getting poisoned and fighting an exhausting battle. Compounded by the fact he has a very much alive and resisting opponent. Assuming the blow connected he'd likely push it too far and fry Riku's brain.