Privateer Vadin Cal vs. Commander Riku Keibatsu

Privateer Vadin Cal

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Gand, Mercenary, Hunter, Sentinel
vs.

Commander Riku Keibatsu

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Loyalist, Weapons Specialist, Krath
Comment

I would like to thank you both again for participating in the Guests of the Matron competition since you are repeat customers. I hope you enjoyed the competition and took something away from the judgments you received. I see marked improvement from both of you.

From a Syntax standpoint both your posts were clean and easy to read. Riku almost got a 5 in Syntax but for the typo in the final post. The rest of the comments I had to really nitpick to find thing. Vadin you have improved dramatically in the area of syntax from previous matches but you still had a few mistakes that could have been caught with further proofing and the whole human vs Human thing. Generally if there's a grammar ambiguity where more than one way is acceptable you need to be consistent or you'll still get docked for it.

Story-wise there were some definite strengths on both sides but also some missed opportunities. Generally I felt the scenario/venue could have been used more by both of you but especially by Vadin. Riku's combat was notably more varied and slightly more vividly described. Vadin did a better job with the characters and making the reader feel invested both in them and what was happening in the fight. So all around story was a wash for various reasons. You both did some things well and you both had areas you could have improved on. Had the scores been tied I would have given the edge on story to Vadin mainly because of the endings.

Realism ended up being the deciding factor here and if you take nothing else away from this judgment, read your opponent's CS very carefully. Vadin didn't commit a detractor per se but he danced on the edge a bit with an almost one-sided fight in places. It ended up hurting him in story because of the weaker dramatic tension but taken a bit further it could have strayed into the realm of realism.

So I congratulate you both on a well fought match but there must be a winner...

Vadin Cal is the winner

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Privateer Vadin Cal, Commander Riku Keibatsu
Winner Privateer Vadin Cal
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Privateer Vadin Cal's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Commander Riku Keibatsu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 12 December, 2016 1:15 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had a few mistakes but nothing that detracted from reading. Rationale: You've improved dramatically in this area from previous matches! You did have some typos and errors that could have been caught with further proofing.
Story - 40%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Your story shined in the variety and description of the combat. You also used the venue in a meaningful way. Your ending is what hurt you the most in story score. It felt almost rushed. Also, you needed to inject more of the characters...well...character into the match. Compare your dialogue with Vadin's. Rationale: You had all the emotional elements in your story for a 4 but you had a few things that held you back. First, you needed to use the venue and scenario more than you did. The fight could have happened almost anywhere just by the descriptions you gave in your post. You mainly alluded to the scenario instead of making it an actual actor in your story. Secondly, you needed to mix up your combat a little. You depicted a back and forth slug fest when in reality there was the potential for so much more variety and creativity in the fight based on the characters and the venue itself.
Realism - 25%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: You had the one minor detractor from violating Vadin's aspect. Rationale: No major realism issues but you underplayed the threat posed by your opponent's character in a few places. Be careful in future matches, you didn't lose points here but you were flirting with danger.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.8 High Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 4.05
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended 'arena'. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

The vastness of space had a feeling to it that was hard to describe. The infinite. An expanse of nothing that meant death for so many species within the galaxy. It was always so close, to those who traveled within its vacuum, yet deceptively far away. That deception fell to the wayside standing within Hangar Zerek. The hangar doors had been fully retracted, leaving only the force field separating the combatants within from being sucked into the void.

"Now now," a voice rang out. The overlay of static was thick, warping the tone of the voice as it echoed within the derelict space. "You're going to be putting on quite the show for us or, well... Would be a shame to have to hit this here button."

The threat was clear. the combatants remained exposed within the hangar proper and the only thing between them and a sudden, violent exit from the Godless Matron was the master control panel.

Vadin sighed as he found himself here once more. The location was familiar to him, as he was here only a week and a half before, battling a dark jedi. He gave a glance to his opponent and sighed.

He was facing a muscular Human with a cybernetic left eye. He noticed that the human was in armor of similar design to his own, decorated in a color that the Gand recognized all too well. The color of the Keibatsu family. Vadin thought it was strange the Human was without a helmet, as he should be able to fit in one.

Hmm, maybe he was kidnapped like this one. That would explain why he doesn’t have his helmet. This place is full of too many people who enjoy kidnapping others, this one doesn’t even know how it got here. Maybe someone slipped something into its ammonia?

“Hello,” the Gand greeted nervously.

“What is with the respirator? Expecting me to not fight?” the Human replied, reaching for a Westar 35 pistol hanging on his belt.

“No, this one expects a fight from one of your kind, but it would like to know who it is fighting,” Vadin said with an exasperated sigh. Twice now this one is not recognized as a Gand “As for the respirator, this one cannot breath your air.”

The Human seemed to relax at that, though he did not move his hand from his belt. “I am Riku Keibatsu, may I have the same courtesy from you?”

“This one is Vadin Cal,” the Privateer replied. “It knows how you Keibatsu tend to be. It fought on the side of Jac in the war against the lead Keibatsu.”

Vadin saw the clone tense up, and noted that the man’s tattoos bunched up as well. “So you are saying you are an enemy of the Keibatsu,” he said with a dangerous tone in his voice.

“It does not know,” Vadin replied, taking a step away from the clone. “The war was long ago, and this one is fighting against Pravus now.”

Riku gave Vadin a deadly look. The Gand he was facing was defying the order Pravus was bringing, and creating chaos. Vadin noticed the look and quickly ran away from his foe, his insectoid legs clearing the ground at a rapid rate. Vadin moved in a zigzag pattern, hoping to throw off the Keibatsu’s aim.

The Human pulled out his Westar and fired at Vadin three times, all nearly hitting the Gand. Cursing himself as he saw the Gand reach the nearest fabricator arm, a full six meters away from him, he activated his jetpack. The old clone flew to a nearby catwalk, hoping to cut off the Gand.

Vadin ducked under a fabricator arm as Riku landed on the catwalk just three meters away, and a full six meters above the ground. Vadin was covered by the arm, and hidden from the Human’s sight at the moment.

This one needs a plan to deal with the Keibatsu, it is not used to fighting a flying foe without a ship.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 12:25 AM UTC

Syntax

This place is full of too many people who enjoy kidnapping others, this one doesn’t even know how it got here.

The comma after others should be a semicolon, period or other conjunction.

Story

Maybe someone slipped something into its ammonia?

Excellent use of the unique "alieness" of your character.

Riku gave Vadin a deadly look. The Gand he was facing was defying the order Pravus was bringing, and creating chaos.

The way you introduced the conflict was natural, used both aspects well and integrated current DB events. Great work!


This was a solid opening post save for one thing: the venue. You neglected to address the circumstances addressed in the prompt save a cursory "I've been here before" line of thought from your character. You only used 516 of your 750 words so you had some room to describe the venue some and address the audience of NPCs.

The Westar rested in front of the Keibatsu’s face. His head searched from side to side but no sign of the Gand was to be seen. Easing forward along the walkway his footsteps echoed around the hallway as his heavy footfalls struck against fabricated metal. His eyes involuntarily turned to the vast force field separating Vadin and himself from the void beyond and sighed. He had had enough of this little contest. He had already bested everything thrown at him and now he was here chasing after a bug hiding in the shadows whilst his entire existence depended on fighting or not.

Seeing no sign of his opponent Riku turned on his heel and began back along the path he had slowly moved along. He leaped down to the ground below, allowing his pack to take him down slowly. Something coughed and it dropped him down quicker than he anticipated pushing him to his knees rather than his feet. Just as he went down he felt something whoosh overhead and the smelling of burnt ozone had him dive behind the nearest cover, breathing hard and thanking his maker for that piece of luck.

Peeking over the fallen metal he just managed to catch a glimpse of something in the shadow of the walkway he had been on and cursed inwardly. He fired off a couple of quick shots but nothing but thin air was met and no further shot came back his way. Daring to peek over his cover he saw no more movement from his opponent.

“This is getting dull already. Stop skulking about you oversized bug and give me a damn fight!” Riku yelled across the distance between where he crouched and Vadin had been. “Or did they pair me with a coward?”

“I am sorry I have to do this,” the reply was closer than he expected and he turned his head in time to see the Gands fist swing in and clock the Clone around the jaw sending him sprawling. “It really was not my intention to have to kill you. Perhaps wound or maim a little but not kill. However, it appears we may have to,” Vadin continued as his second strike caught the unbalanced Nihilgenia and sent him back down. The blows hurt, lots. Riku had to shake his head several times before he managed to orientate himself.

“Cheap blows,” he muttered.

“Incorrect, you simply shouted too much and I managed to go around your side. I should've shot you of course but felt bad. Perhaps again if I maim you they will not lower the shield and kill us both?” The Gand went to strike again but this time Riku was ready. The blow came in from the left side and the clone slid slightly to the side on his knees, turned his body and brought his arms up to grasp the swinging joint. As his hands wrapped around the Gand, he added to the momentum of the punch and sent Vadin tumbling forward into the dirt alongside him.

The clone pushed himself up and aimed a kick towards the creature. His foot connected with the aliens midriff and...nothing. It was like kicking a wall and he swung in once more only for his armored boot to rebound and begin to hurt. “What the heck are you made off? Doesn't matter. Guess I'll just shoot you instead.” The blaster was raised and aimed towards the Gand in moments and the first shot echoed in the hall. It missed and Riku swayed a little where he stood. The force of the punches leaving him a little dizzy still.

Vadin was up and backing off. As he did so his arm raised up and Riku cursed as he saw the familiar shape of the alien's arm pointing towards him. The Commander dived to one side as a jet of red-hot flame soared towards him, singing his hair, cooking parts of his armor and sending him sprawling into the dirt where he had been moments before.

“It seems I won’t be breaking you open,” he rolled his jaw painfully. “Seems you pack a punch too. Well guess I’ll just cut you open,” his hand reached under the Kama at the back of his legs and wrapped around a metal hilt of his newly acquired lightsaber, igniting it as he drew it and pushed himself to his feet. “Let’s try this again, shall we?”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 12:39 AM UTC

Story

and now he was here chasing after a bug hiding in the shadows whilst his entire existence depended on fighting or not.

Nice reference to the venue/prompt.


You did an excellent job of bringing in elements of the venue when your opponent did not. Also, the combat in this post was both vividly described and paced appropriately. From a story standpoint this post did precisely what a follow-up post is supposed to do: ramp up the action and the character to character conflict.

Realism

“I am sorry I have to do this,” the reply was closer than he expected and he turned his head in time to see the Gands fist swing

This line of dialogue where you have Vadin use "I" directly contradicts his We are Legion aspect and is a minor realism detractor. You also did this later in the post.

Vadin took another step back upon seeing the lightsaber. This one has to face another Jedi? Well, if it must.

Riku smiled as he held the saber, while his existence depended on fighting, he found purpose in the blade. It wasn’t everything, but it was what he had. He noticed that the Odanite was putting more distance between them and smiled.

“Not so tough when facing one of these are you?” the Nihilgenia bragged, ignoring his jaw pain.

“This one know’s how to fight your kind, Jedi,” the Gand replied without a hint of pride. “It has been trained to fight.”

Too dizzy to trust his aim with a blaster, Riku charged in. It was only a few meters distance between the two and he cleared it quickly, slashing at his foe. Vadin was immediately on the defensive, ducking and sidestepping the attacks. The bounty hunter found it difficult to out speed the Nihilgenia, and moved in a circle, following his own momentum.

Riku noticed that the Gand looked uncomfortable on the defensive, and continued to press. Thinking that the Gand had no defences aside from his flame projector, which would take a second his opponent did not have to activate, he advanced focusing on his onslaught. Vadin noticed numerous openings appear in his opponent's defences, but did not take the chance, biding his time.

This is no good. If this one keeps this up, it will not survive much longer. The Keibatsu is too good for this one to be on the defensive.

Vadin leaded backwards to barely avoid a saber swing as the blade passed mere centimeters from the bounty hunters face. Flexing each muscle in his gut, the Gand threw himself back at the over extended clone. Vadin’s chitin covered head collided with the Commander’s side, a blow that brought the human to his knees. The saber was sent flying from his weakened grasp by the impact, landing a few meters away.

Riku gasped for air as momentary panic set in. He has experienced this sensation before in his training and he knew he was winded. He felt a powerful three fingered hand grab his neck, lifting his head and chest up.

“This one wants you to breath,” Vadin stated, overcome with a care for life. Then raising his head he shouted, “It does not want to win an unfair fight! This one will give you a fight, but a good one!”

The Gand waited as Riku caught his breath, glad that the person controlling the shield did not eject them. What is it thinking! It endangered both itself and the human because it did not like seeing the human suffer.

Vadin released the man once he caught his breath, then moved between him and the lightsaber. “As it said, this one wants a fair fight. Will you give it one?”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 1:01 AM UTC

Syntax

a blow that brought the human to his knees.

You capitalized human in some places but not in others. Either is permissible but you must be consistent.

Vadin leaded backwards to barely avoid a saber swing as the blade

Vadin led backwards

Story

“This one know’s how to fight your kind, Jedi,” the Gand replied without a hint of pride. “It has been trained to fight.”

I would like to highlight how accurately you portray the limitations of in-character knowledge here and in other places in your post. The fact that Vidan makes faulty assumptions about Riku based on what he's seeing is both realistic and a somewhat advanced writing technique. Often members will forget to factor in what their characters should or should not know about their opponent. You can read your opponent's CS but your character won't necessarily have that knowledge.

The Gand waited as Riku caught his breath, glad that the person controlling the shield did not eject them. What is it thinking! It endangered both itself and the human because it did not like seeing the human suffer.

You managed to bring the venue into this post. Good work.


Even though you had Vadin experiencing fear, I couldn't help but feel you were underplaying the threat posed by Riku in this post. As the reader I wasn't left with the impression Vadin was actually in danger from Riku. Again, you had plenty of words left over to have Riku find some more success in the fight with some connected blows or closer calls. Something to raise the dramatic tension. Show, don't tell, as the saying goes. You said Vadin was frightened but you didn't really show anything in the fight to back that up.

Riku hacked, spitting a wad of phlegm, blood and spit onto the ground. Pushing himself to his feet he rocked unsteadily before bracing and rolling his shoulders. The back of his hand ran across his face and smiled.

“Don’t see why not. Though with my head spinning and your skin being...whatever it is I don’t see how depriving me of the only tool I can use to cut you open as fair,” the clone shrugged. “But if it’s a proper fight I’m fine with that. Though you got one thing wrong, and I would ask you don’t reference me and those scum in the same sentence. I am no Jedi.”

“I see, well this one will fight fair,” the Gand took a stance and eyed the clone. If he smiled Riku couldn’t tell but something rankled him about the monster. “We begin yes?”

He didn’t need to wait long as the first blaster shot past his head. The second echoed past the other side causing a dent in the woodwork behind Vadin. Riku rolled his eyes and holstered his blaster before taking his combat stance. His head swam still and a dull ringing rang in his ears. Something didn’t feel right and his right ear was beginning to hurt as the volume in the room began to get quieter. The clone hoped to hell the Gand hadn’t done any major damage to his hearing and he snarled.

Neither of them moved first but with the fear of the voice opening the shield one of them had too. Vadin broke first. He moved in with surprising speed. The first punch that was thrown sailed past Riku’s head, the second was knocked to the side by the clone and he thrust forward with his open hand catching the Gand in the face. The blow hurt Riku more than the Gand but he followed up his strike by bringing his armored elbow around to strike the side of the aliens head. Vadin stumbled but he reprised with a gut punch that once more drove the clone to his knees, albeit temporary. Riku lashed out with his foot and caught the Gand in the knee, who in turn dropped to the floor. They paused, neither wanting to assault the other in their precarious situation. Scrambling back from one another the pair eyed one another over.

“This seems to be going nowhere Keibatsu. Up, down, punch, block, and fall once more,” Vadin pushed himself up to his little legs and waited until Riku had done the same. “We will get nowhere.”

“What then would you suggest alien? Allow you to kill me?” The clone spat the words out. “Rather watch you writhe on the ground...but that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon.”

The voice rang out once more across the arena causing both opponents to look up in annoyance. “Your audience grows bored once more. I’ve set a new time limit. You have five minutes to end this fight or we lower the shield regardless!”

“This is not good, we nee…” Vadin began but as he looked back towards the Clone he had to dive to one side to escape the torrent of blaster fire that flew towards him. The clone was starting to be able to aim again he noticed. “We don't need to do this, perhaps think of a plan.”

“Shut up. If I have to stop and talk to you anymore I’m dead regardless you piece of undesirable filth. Now get up or stay down. Either way, I will kill you.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 1:25 AM UTC

Syntax

Pushing himself to his feet he rocked unsteadily before bracing and rolling his shoulders.

You need a comma after feet to show the natural pause after the introductory phrase.

Story

The voice rang out once more across the arena causing both opponents to look up in annoyance. “Your audience grows bored once more. I’ve set a new time limit. You have five minutes to end this fight or we lower the shield regardless!”

Good job raising the stakes right before the ending posts. As the reader, I found myself wanting to see how the dramatic tension you created resolved itself. That is a mark of a solid post, the reader being left wanting to continue.

This human is getting on this one's nerves Vadin thought as the back and forth of unarmed combat continued.

"We will get nowhere with this, do not condemn us to death," Vadin called out. "The more we continue this the worse this gets."

"I won't listen anymore scum!" Riku yelled in Vadin's face.

Vadin took a light hit, one he knew was meant to be a distraction, and used it to roll back. He rolled away a half a meter, and pressed a button on his right wrist, releasing the Knuckle Plate Vibroblade. At the same time, the clone dived for his saber, rolling along the ground until he reached it.

Riku picked up his lightsaber and ignited it, blade pointed at Vadin. The Gand settled into a stance, prepared to fight. Riku came in with his saber, clearing the distance with surprising speed for a man his size. Confident in his swordplay, the clone came in cocky, using an aggressive offense.

Vadin went on the defensive immediately, side stepping attacks until he saw an opening. He smiled underneath his respirator when he did, and slashed with his own blade, creating a long cut alongside the clones right arm.

“Frak!” the Nihilgenia called out as blood ran down his arm. It was not a deep cut, but the length caused pain. “You are going to regret that,” the Human said, holding the saber in his left hand. “I won’t let you do it again.”

“And you will kill this one will you?” the Gand replied in a cold voice, his care for life being placed aside with a rage that had been building all fight. “Go right ahead. This one thought you had some shred of honor. The other Keibatsu soldiers did when this one fought them. This one does not think you are worth being called one. When it fought those Keibatsu they didn’t use this undesirable garbage you use.”

Riku stared at the Gand before attacking, driven by the doubt of his own worth and anger. The slash was quick, and went to cause pain instead of kill, cutting off a small part of the Gnds exoskeleton on his left arm.

“Maybe I am not worth their name yet Gand,” the clone said darkly. “But I can make myself worthy by killing you. How does it feel knowing you will die?”

“This one does not care,” Vadin said, realizing how deep his words had cut before. He recalled the one time he had ever yelled at his daughter and his face fell. “It is sorry you are so indoctrinated to hate. It wishes it could help, but right now it just pities you.”

Wordlessly, Riku cut off another small part of the Gand’s exoskeleton, this time destroying the Miniature Flame Projector. Fuel sprayed the floor next to Vadin, covering it as the weapon emptied.

“It pities you because of what you have reduced yourself to,” Vadin continued. “You attack, causing pain, but this one will heal. The exoskeleton will grow back in time. You aren’t a soldier, you aren’t a Keibatsu. They have honor. This one thinks the fight is pointless. All this leads to is both it and you going into space.”

“As long as you die undesirable scum,” the clone said darkly.

Vadin turned his back to the Nihilgenia. “This one is done. You are getting no entertainment out of the flight. Let it end!” he called out.

Rage flooded through Riku, he was being ignored by the Gand. Acting on that anger, he charged, ramming the lightsaber through the Gand’s back. The saber appeared in Vadin’s abdomen, and the smell of burning chitin was ever present. The blade was drawn back out for another strike.

“Don’t ignore me!” the clone shouted.

Vadin whipped around, ignoring the pain, and smashed his hand into the right side of Riku’s face. The clone was hit with the flat side of the Vibroblade, and a loud crack was heard. The human's eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fell unconscious to the floor.

Vadin, in pain from the stab, checked Riku’s pulse and sighed in relief that he was still alive. “You have had your fun,” he called out again. “The fight is over.”

There was a moment of complete silence, then the voice was heard again. “You may go Gand.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 2:01 AM UTC

Syntax

cutting off a small part of the Gnds exoskeleton on his left arm.

Typo on Gands.

You are getting no entertainment out of the flight.

I think you meant fight instead of flight.

Story

You aren’t a soldier, you aren’t a Keibatsu. They have honor.

Someone call the burn unit. But seriously great line!


I felt like there was potential here for a really solid ending instead of an average one. This post was going strong until the final moments. It was an almost anti-climatic way to end the fight. The emotional notes leading up to the final moment were all there, it just fell flat at the end.

A momentary pain caught him off guard and his next shot went wild, by this time the Gand had already moved and taken cover behind a nearby container. Rather than allow the alien time to recover and he gave chase. As he approached the edge of the container Vadin had disappeared around he ducked before throwing himself around it. The alien had gone, again, and Riku cursed. A noise to his left caught his attention and he turned and fired twice. A cry from somewhere in the general location brought a smirk to his face and once more he pushed himself forward, vaulted a low wall and made his way to the source of the noise.

As he approached he smelt the crisp scent of burning ozone and looked around for his mark. The blaster bolt appeared from his left and caught him in the shoulder, dropping him as the pain coursed through his upper body. Riku had heard nothing and as the Gand approached from the shadows to his right he realized he was struggling to hear much of anything at all from that general direction. The previous injuries appeared to have caught up with him and he struggled to make out what the alien was saying so turned himself.

“For a Keibatsu you make lots of mistakes. I am sorry you feel you need to kill me,” he held his side. The exoskeleton seemed to have taken the brunt but Riku could see he had hit his target. “Perhaps if I just knock you out properly that will be a win and we can go home?” He didn’t wait for a reply this time and aimed a clenched fist towards Riku’s wounded shoulder. The pain was excruciating and Riku couldn’t help but yelp out. A shiver ran down his back and sweat began to pool on his face as another blow struck true. “It would be good if you passed out now.”

Riku looked up and waited. The next blow came and through gritted teeth, he raised his uninjured arm and launched the fibercord whip. The blow landed but so did the thick cable. It wrapped itself around the Gands legs and went tight. As Riku collapsed back his final act was to ignite his jetpack sending him flying backward at an awkward angle. As he went the Gand was pulled from his feet and dragged along behind the clone.Riku hit the wall first but Vadin wasn’t far behind him. A crunch echoed into RIku’s remaining good ear and the alien didn’t appear to move from his resting place. The Nihilgenia peered over through watering eyes and realized that mid-drag the aliens head had collided with something heavy, dazing him.

Unable to move any major distance the clone attempted to push himself up but failed miserably. Vadin hadn’t moved and Riku stopped his struggling, slumped down where he was and cursed inwardly. His shoulder had gone numb and the tips of his fingers were beginning to go cold. Well this sucks. He thought to himself as he closed his eyes and allowed the darkness to overtake him.

Before he slipped away, however, he thought he heard a muted voice call something over the comm unit and shadowy figures approach. But he couldn't be sure and at that time he really didn’t care.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 14 December, 2016 2:25 AM UTC

Syntax

dragged along behind the clone.Riku hit the wall first

You need a space between sentences.

Story

Before he slipped away, however, he thought he heard a muted voice call something over the comm unit and shadowy figures approach. But he couldn't be sure and at that time he really didn’t care.

So you technically had a resolution in that Riku managed to knock out Vidan before succumbing to his own injuries and blacking out. However, the "double knock out" style ending often leaves a reader feeling unsatisfied. You had some word space left over, you could have altered the ending slightly to make it just a little clearer that Riku was the victor even if his injuries eventually got the better of him.