Augur Locke Sonjie vs. Battlemaster Takagari "DarkHawk" KogaRyu

Augur Locke Sonjie

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
vs.

Battlemaster Takagari "DarkHawk" KogaRyu

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Sith, Shadow
Comment

This was a surprisingly strong showing from you both. I say "surprising" because I've never read an ACC match from DarkHawk before, so that brought in a measure of the unknown. That was a nice breath of fresh air.

So, you both did a good job at different things. DarkHawk was great at the use of descriptors to try and make the venue feel alive and part of the action. A few missteps explained in the post comments elaborate on why this wasn't enough to elevate your score further. Locke did a good job of course correcting and instilling the emotions of the characters without it feeling like self-pandering or "look how awesome my character is". That's a trap many can easily fall into without noticing. We all want to be the hero of the story.

I hope you look to the comments and come away with some more knowledge and direction on how to improve from here.

With the scores tallied, Augur Locke Sonjie is the winner.

Hall The Harrowing [Clan Naga Sadow]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition The Harrowing
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Augur Locke Sonjie, Battlemaster Takagari "DarkHawk" KogaRyu
Winner Augur Locke Sonjie
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Augur Locke Sonjie's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Takagari "DarkHawk" KogaRyu's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 7 June, 2017 3:16 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Adept DarkHawk Sadow Epis Locke Sonjie
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple issues throughout. Please refer to the post comments for some specifics. Generally, sentence flow is your biggest point of contention. Rationale: Several issues through. Please refer to the post comments for some specifics. More careful proofing would catch some of the smaller stuff.
Story - 40%
Adept DarkHawk Sadow Epis Locke Sonjie
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Your biggest hits were two things: you didn't end the fight completely and you didn't have them fighting each other at all in the first post. However, your imagery and overall writing kept this at a 3 in terms of story. Rationale: You did a good job of steering the match back into the shape of a conflict and really trying to flesh out the emotions behind the conflict itself. It was a little stunted in places, especially the somewhat flat dialogue, but you had the idea and pushed for it. You were held back by your lack of focus on the conflict in your first post, which is the second of the story, and should have had more conflict between the combatants.
Realism - 25%
Adept DarkHawk Sadow Epis Locke Sonjie
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Most of these issues cropped up in your second post. Please refer to the comments for the specifics. Rationale: None that were noted.
Continuity - 20%
Adept DarkHawk Sadow Epis Locke Sonjie
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Adept DarkHawk Sadow's Score: 3.65 Epis Locke Sonjie's Score: 4.45
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Lightning bounced across the sky like a finely tuned orchestra.  Thunder crashed and echoed through the Dark Temple like booming bass drums extenuating the musical crackle of the lightning above.   Raindrops could be heard bouncing off the hallowed floors.  Almost in synchronicity with the lightning and thunder.  Lightning flashed and illuminated the Dark Temple.  The shadows of the statues adorning the temple danced across the floor.

Augur Sanjie cautiously entered the Dark Temple, one hand on his saber.  One purpose brought him to these hallowed halls, to capture Battlemaster DarkHawk.  The last trace of the Equite led him here.  But why? he asked himself.  It makes no sense, why would DarkHawk betray the clan in such a way?  Many thoughts bounced throughout the former Consul’s mind.  Those questions and many others would be answered once DarkHawk was in custody.

Augur Sanjie made his way down the entrance of the great hall.  Carefully scanning the environment, looking for any abnormalities.  DarkHawk was adept at hiding if he did not want to be found he would not be.  This was not going to be an easy task…

“I know you’re here DarkHawk, I can feel you.” Locke’s voice echoed through the Dark Temple. The pouring rain rang in the Dark Jedi’s ears.  He reached out to the Force to drown out all impeding sounds.  Locke Sanjie was poised directly in the middle of the room.

“I am not the culprit Locke, it was a setup as we will soon see.”

That voice bounced against the fractured walls of this once great sanctuary.  Locke knew the voice, he knew it was DarkHawk.  He was masking his position, using the acoustics of the temple to his advantage.  Locke could not pinpoint his location at the moment.

“That is not my decision to make DarkHawk, you know that.  My orders are to bring you back to the Naga Sadow.  There you will have your time to state your case to the council.”

DarkHawk peered down from his perch.  He nestled in on one of the shoulders of the massive statues that lined the Dark Temple.  He watched as Locke scanned the room looking to pinpoint his whereabouts.  Locke moved to the right side of the hall near some broken tables and scattered books.

DarkHawk leaped from his perch landing nearly silent behind his former Counsul.  Locke spun around to see the Battlemaster standing there stoic.  Once again moving his hand closer to his saber.  DarkHawk knelt to one knee slowly placing his sabers on the wet floor in front of him.

Locke was taken back for a moment, “What is this DarkHawk?”  he asked.

“As I stated earlier this was a setup, I am not the one who betrayed our Clan.”

Locke stared at the Battlemaster, the one thing he did know for sure is that DarkHawk was true to his Clan, and he never would back down from a fight or relinquish his weapons.  Something’s off,  Locke thought to himself.

“What did you mean, we will soon see?”

DarkHawk looked up at the Dark Jedi with a small grin crossing over his lips.  Locke, still in tune with the Force, heard the squeeze of the trigger.   Without hesitation, Locke reached out to the Force and Force pushed the Battlemaster out of the way, in time to save the Battlemaster from a sure kill shot.   The young Equite slide across the wet floor, the fight was coming but it was not with his former headmaster.  Simultaneously with his actions, the crack echoed the hall, and instantly  the spot where the Takagari knelt turned to debris where the blaster bolt hit.  Sniper above them,  What is this Locke thought.  More movement from the shadows above. Six Sith Assassins dropped from the ceiling surrounding the two Sadowan’s.  DarkHawk himself reached out to the Force at retrieved his sabers.  The Equite quickly made his way to the side of his superior.

“Believe me now Sir?”

Darth Renatus, 8 June, 2017 11:20 PM UTC

Syntax

Lightning bounced across the sky like a finely tuned orchestra. Thunder crashed and echoed through the Dark Temple like booming bass drums extenuating the musical crackle of the lightning above.

This is slightly repetitious with your use of "lightning". Your wealth of descriptors between them assuages this somewhat but it is still something to keep in mind and avoid to ensure the flow remains fresh.

Sanjie

You probably realized at some point after this that his last name is "Sonjie".

But why? he asked himself. It makes no sense, why would DarkHawk betray the clan in such a way?

You should use markdown formatting to splice out your "thoughts" from the narration. In this case you would bookend "But why?" with an asterisk (*). In its current state, I had to presume based on context what was thought and what was narration.

DarkHawk was adept at hiding if he did not want to be found he would not be.

This should really be split up with some punctuation, otherwise it is a broken sentence. Either a period between "hiding" and "if" or even a semi-colon.

fractured walls of this once great sanctuary.

"this" reads odd here. It would flow better as: "the once great sanctuary".

Locke knew the voice, he knew it was DarkHawk.

Some more repetition with "knew". This would be better written as: "Locke knew the voice; he recognized it as DarkHawk's."

Locke could not pinpoint his location at the moment.

This gives the impression of present tense. Would read better as: "Locke could not pinpoint his location at that moment."

Locke spun around to see the Battlemaster standing there stoic. Once again moving his hand closer to his saber.

This would be one of the rare cases where I recommend that these should not have been made to be separate sentences as they read now. Mostly it's the "moving" that causes this. It reads as connected to a larger sentence that just isn't there. It would work as is if you changed the second sentence to this: "Once again, he moved his hand closer to his saber."

DarkHawk knelt to one knee[,] slowly placing his sabers

Missed a comma here.

Locke was taken back for a moment, “What is this DarkHawk?” he asked.

The comma here isn't needed. You lead into dialogue with a comma when it is part of the previous sentence. In this case it isn't, but is connected to "he asked" instead. As such, you'd close with a period then begin the dialogue as you have it here.

The young Equite slide across the wet floor

This should be "slid".

As a general comment, you use the "double-space after a period" method in your writing which is a holdover from the days of typewriters. As such, there's nothing wrong with that, but if you're going to do it you should be consistent. There were a few places in your post where you used only a single space instead of two.


Story

Locke reached out to the Force and Force pushed the Battlemaster out of the way

We're big on discussing "show, don't tell". This is one of those times. Don't name the power, such as "Force pushed". Show it to us. As an example: "Locke reached out to the Force and guided it with a thrust of his palm towards the Battlemaster. The energy rush pushed the battlemaster out of the way"

not with his former headmaster

This is just confusing. The "headmaster" is an actual role within the Brotherhood society. Locke would have been your former Consul, not headmaster.

The biggest issue I have with this post from a judging perspective is that you wrote this story with the intention of cooperation. This is not a cooperative competition, but fights between these characters. It would need to be specified as cooperative. Even further beyond that, the only "conflict" in this post is that single sniper shot. We require more than that to constitute a full post. Each segment of an ACC bout should have conflict between the participants (unless cooperative, then with others) as that is the primary story focus. The conflict. The rest is fluff to make that conflict more palatable. Keep that in mind in your writing.

What is this? Locke thought. Whatever DarkHawk said, the situation was too coincidental.

For now, there were the assassins to deal with. They were surrounded; the assassins had to be dispersed. Locke pulled a grenade from his belt, tossing it at their feet.

"Look out," he said, diving to one side. The assassins all spread out, DarkHawk doing the same. The explosion a millisecond later was deafening, blocking all sound from Locke's ears besides a distinct ringing. The Augur spun around, watching as DarkHawk ignited his lightsabers and began to attack the assassins. Four of them had gone after the Sith, leaving two others for Locke.

One was armed with a blaster; the other with a quarterstaff. Each wore featureless grey armor, including masks. Locke raised his blaster and fired without thinking, taking the blaster-wielding one in the chest. The assassin's own shot went wide, striking a nearby statue. As he fell, Locke tossed his pistol to the side and went for his lightsaber, the blade's distinct snap-hiss still soft in his ears. He struck at the remaining assassin, making a quick strike close to his own body. The assassin avoided a direct parry, instead sidestepping and aiming one end of his staff toward Locke's side.

The Augur did the same, thinking on how he would end this quickly. He did not trust DarkHawk's explanation; something was going on here. Locke quickly called on the Force - hoping that his opponent was not Force Sensitive - and felt it surge through his arms and legs, giving him superior strength and movement. His legs carried him forward quickly, his arms moving his lightsaber faster than the assassin could keep up. He removed the man's arm at the elbow, followed by a slice across his neck. The Augur stopped, breathing deeply for a moment, then looked toward DarkHawk.

For his part, the Sith was a blur of lightsaber blades. He danced through the assassins who had gone for him, quickly killing or incapacitating them. DarkHawk finished shortly after Locke did, leaving them the only two standing.

Locke held his lightsaber ready, pondering the situation. It was too convenient. DarkHawk seemed extremely unlikely to betray the Clan, which left one other possibility: he believed Locke had done so.

Have I been set up? Locke wondered.

No, Sang had ordered him here personally. That left one other possibility: that the plot ran deeper. It was possible that they were both pawns in some great game. Maybe someone thought to eliminate both of them, or either.

Or they want me away for some other plan. He shivered at the thought.

"I think this is a setup," Locke said, finally able to hear his own words, "but I also think you're a part of it."

"I am not," DarkHawk said. "But maybe you are." His eyes narrowed as he looked at Locke, seeming to judge the Augur.

What? Locke wondered. True, most of the assassins had gone for DarkHawk, and the man was no doubt loyal to his Clan. Someone else had to be behind this.

They're not mine. He had to be sure DarkHawk was not involved.

"Right," Locke answered, stepping forward slowly, holding his lightsaber in a defensive stance. "Who put you up to this? Was it Macron? He has wanted my head for awhile." The mad alchemist and Locke were old enemies. "Or was it one of the Keibatsu, perhaps?" Locke was certain that the recent setbacks Naga Sadow had suffered at the hands of the Iron Throne's forces and the Inquisitorius had caused many fingers to point at himself. He wouldn't be surprised if someone wanted him removed.

"It's not," DarkHawk said. "I was told you are the traitor. I did not believe, but those assassins confirm it.

Locke felt a shiver against his spine. DarkHawk seemed honest. If that was the case, then... "We're being used, DarkHawk," he said. "Both of us. Those assassins were not mine."

"They were right," the Sith whispered, as if not believing it himself. Then he attacked.

DarkHawk's assault was a flurry of motion, his strikes unpredictable and overwhelming. Locke kept his own lightsaber near his body, narrowly deflecting each attack. DarkHawk would find an opening eventually, if Locke did not wear him down or change the game.

The Augur called on the Force, drinking deeply of the dark side. It was so powerful here. He allowed it to guide his motions, his movements quickening. He knew he couldn't keep this up for long; DarkHawk's dueling abilities outmatched his own. He absorbed more of the dark side's power, letting it fill him, letting it feed off his anger.

How dare someone set me up like this? he thought. Turn one of my own allies against me? How can DarkHawk not see?

Locke swept his lightsaber up to deflect an attack from up high. His weapon narrowly pushed DarkHawk's up and to the side, just clear of Locke's flank. The Sith's other lightsaber approached Locke's side as DarkHawk spun quickly. Instead of deflecting it, Locke reached toward it with his free hand, releasing the dark side in a quick burst of energy. Lightning leaped from his fingertips to those of DarkHawk, eliciting a growl of pain and frustration as the Sith's lightsaber fell from his hand. As it did so, Locke leaped back only a moment too late, the falling blade slicing down the front of his shoulder. The weapon shut off a second later, rolling across the ancient stone floor. It disappeared in the dark shadows between two statues.

Gritting his teeth, Locke stepped back for a moment, DarkHawk doing the same. "I am not the enemy," he reiterated, voice cold as he embraced the dark side, numbing his wound. "Someone is using us."

Locke attacked, not wanting to give the Sith a chance to recover his second blade. He had to convince the other man of his intentions, or incapacitate DarkHawk before the Battlemaster did the same to Locke.

Darth Renatus, 8 June, 2017 11:35 PM UTC

Syntax

One was armed with a blaster; the other with a quarterstaff.

This isn't really how a semi-colon works. It separates two complete sentences with the same focus. In this case, you're focused on two different assassins, so it doesn't work. Should be a comma instead.

Locke raised his blaster and fired without thinking, taking the blaster-wielding one in the chest.

Be careful of repetition, keep your flow fresh with more varied word choice.

That left one other possibility: that the plot ran deeper.

The second "that" is unnecessary here, the colon doing the job for you.

"It's not," DarkHawk said. "I was told you are the traitor. I did not believe, but those assassins confirm it.

Le gasp! You have been betrayed by a trailing quotation mark! He fled the scene and left you with an incomplete dialogue.


Story

"Look out," he said, diving to one side.

From a narrative perspective, "he said" has resulted in a lot more humor than I think you intended. My mental image is a dead pan and casual "look out" and then he dives. Something other than "said", like "shouted", would change that image. I chuckled though!

For his part, the Sith was a blur of lightsaber blades. He danced through the assassins who had gone for him, quickly killing or incapacitating them. DarkHawk finished shortly after Locke did, leaving them the only two standing.

This is very glossed over considering he is fighting four enemies compared to Locke's two. With the ease shown here, it is really bringing Realism into question but not enough for a mark against you just yet.

You did a good job of trying to steer this back into a conflict between these characters. It was a relatively painless transition but still took up less of your post than the exchange and initial encounter with the assassins. This should be the focus with the spotlight! Especially in the second post of a 2+2 format!

DarkHawk was surprised at the attack of his former headmaster.  His attacks were executed with violent precision and accuracy.  Each of the Augur’s volley of saber strikes edged closer and closer to the Battlemaster.  The black-clad Sith watched the anger in Locke’s eyes grow with each advance.  Both men trying to gain that upper edge.  

The hallowed halls of the Dark Temple invited the clash of the Dark Jedi’s majestic sabers.  With each clash of the blue and yellow blades, the hall illuminated in its own lightning storm.  Almost mimicking the dance of the storm taking place outside.  The clash of sabers boomed thunderously, the echo of the acoustics from those exchanges vibrated the once unmovable foundation of their arena.

The Battlemaster focused on the eyes of his Sadowan Clanmate.  The anger was pure, not only could he see this, but he could feel it.  The Force flowed through them both enhancing their actions and movements.  The power of the Force led  both combatants to traverse this path, leading them to this place in time.  Though in the deepest part of the young Equite’s rationality, something felt oddly wrong.   Was Augur Sonjie angry at the thought of what he thinks I am accused of, or the fact we both feel this is a setup?

DarkHawk’s fingers still had the burning sensation from the lightning strike from Locke.  Most people when they confront the Sith, they initially feel his size is his weakness.  Little do they know that is a deadly underestimation.  But, Darkhawk was well aware of the fact, Locke is not the norm.  Locke is an expert at combat and even a deadlier diplomat.

Their feet danced across the wet floor, water splashing from every direction.  Each trying to gain that advantage to either disarm the other or if it must come to it, the end of life.  At the moment the two were engaged in a stalemate.  Neither of the two Dark Jedi’s was gaining ground on the other.  But the scheme of totality has a way of tipping the scales in one direction or another.

Sabers clashed once again, DarkHawk was trying to use his height and weight advantage over Locke and was gaining just for the moment.  As the two pushed against one another, the two jogged for feet positioning to throw the other off balance.  The two were so close to one another they could feel each other’s breath as they exhaled.

Locke taking in consideration his smaller size difference made a bold move against his young Equite.  As DarkHawk edged him closer to the row of tables, Locke dropped to one knee, keeping his saber in an upper block position.  Spun underneath the Battlemaster, and let DarkHawk’s own momentum carry him forward.  That was just enough for Locke to spin to the right and behind him.  DarkHawk's saber cut through the table that he was pushing the Augur towards.  The smell of burnt wood added to the aroma of their battle arena.

DarkHawk felt his mistake and immediately tried overcoming it.  He managed to flow with his forward momentum and move into a forty-five degree roll out and away from the Augur.  Though the maneuver was correct, the timing was a split second off.  As the former Consul stood up with a left to right slash, the tip of his saber caught the Equite on the shoulder blade.  The pain resonated throughout his body, he could feel it travel from shoulder to foot, then back to its origination.

In a  very unfamiliar motion, DarkHawk dropped his saber.  DarkHawk now on one knee, pulling the Force through him to ease the pain and aid in the healing.  The anger of this mistake took over, his head bowed towards the floor.  He followed the lines of cracks in the ancient floor.  The cracks filling with water from the rain, followed their own path and pooled to a spot where the floor had completely deteriorated.  He was so focused on those crack lines he could not hear his former headmaster speaking to him.

“DarkHawk…DarkHawk…DARKHAWK!”

Locke now standing directly in front of him looking down.  Not with a look of concern, almost with a look of confusion.

“It is over my frie…” before the Dark Jedi could finish his words the attack came.

DarkHawk once again aided by the Force and feral rage, lunged up and out catching the Augur by the throat with his left arm, lifting Locke off the floor, his feet dangling for just a moment.  The iron grip was cinched in and the Dark Jedi gasped for air.  DarkHawk carried the motion forward and the last thing Locke saw was the night sky as he came slamming to the ground.

Locke now seemingly unconscious on his back, DarkHawk painfully made his way upright to stand.  Water flowed across his face and he could taste the sweat from the encounter.  He checked his former headmaster and felt a pulse, Good he thought.  DarkHawk looked around as he stood upright.  The assassins scattered throughout the Dark Hall, and now Augur Sonjie and himself pitted against one another.  Definitely, a setup, but who and why?

DarkHawk walked over to the two statues where one of his sabers lay.  He was impressed at the move from the Augur causing him to drop his blade.  He bowed before the two statues, lifted an open hand and the saber returned to its master.  He attached it to his utility belt and reached behind him to pull his second saber back to him.  Strangely nothing happened, then the realization hit him, his saber was detained…

Darth Renatus, 8 June, 2017 11:55 PM UTC

Syntax

[...] the clash of the Dark Jedi’s majestic sabers. With each clash of the blue and yellow blades [...] The clash of sabers boomed thunderously [...]

More repetition through "clash" within the same section.

eyes of his Sadowan Clanmate.

The capital on "clanmate" is unnecessary. It isn't a proper noun on its own.

The anger was pure, not only could he see this, but he could feel it.

Would flow better as two sentences, the first ending at "was pure". Think of sentence length as musical instruments. Vary up the "sounds" and create a symphony for the reader to enjoy. Otherwise, it can read as monotonous or never ending.

Was Augur Sonjie angry at the thought of what he thinks I am accused of, or the fact we both feel this is a setup?

I'm left assuming with the shift to first-person that this is "thought" dialogue. As in the first post, this should be denoted with italics to make it clear.

Most people when they confront the Sith, they initially feel his size is his weakness. Little do they know that is a deadly underestimation. But, Darkhawk was well aware of the fact, Locke is not the norm.

Lots of fracturing in this section either through misplaced commas or where they're missing entirely.

Neither of the two Dark Jedi’s was gaining ground on the other.

"Jedi" is both singular and plural. Besides, DarkHawk is listed as a Sith on the snapshot of the character sheet.

Locke now seemingly unconscious on his back, DarkHawk painfully made his way upright to stand.

This is exceedingly awkward in terms of flow. Reads as if the second half should have come first.


Story

But the scheme of totality

This is a martial arts term that not everyone is going to be familiar with, especially the average reader. With no context on your sheet or in this story so far, this is out of place and would leave a reader heading off to Google if they even cared enough to investigate it. Don't leave things up to investigation unless it's hidden within your story.

Strangely nothing happened, then the realization hit him, his saber was detained…

I get the impression from this that you thought this was a "Singular Ending" match, when it is actually "Alternative Ending". As a result, you've left the match unfinished when this should really be the last post from your perspective.


Realism

DarkHawk was trying to use his height and weight advantage over Locke and was gaining just for the moment.

Locke taking in consideration his smaller size difference made a bold move against his young Equite.

DarkHawk is listed as 1.95m tall, whereas Locke stands at 2.01m. The weight advantage exists, but not the height. This is a minor Realism hit, doubled up.

Neither of the two Dark Jedi’s was gaining ground on the other.

As stated in the Syntax section, DarkHawk is listed as a Sith.

DarkHawk once again aided by the Force and feral rage [...]

Pretty much everything after this is an issue. Rage is a powerful Force Power, yet it comes with severe consequences. Namely, nausea and weakness in the wake. Especially at +1, it would be raw and unfocused rage. It would be difficult to say he stopped himself after a single attack.

"Its a setup, DarkHawk! Listen to me, Takagari!"

Locke did his best to press DarkHawk back, never relenting as he steadily assaulted the other man. DarkHawk put up an effective defense, even with one lightsaber. He was fast, but Locke could tell that he was slowly being worn down.

That left more room for words. Locke had no intention of seriously harming the other man. Sadow needed him. Whoever had set this up would want them to kill each other. Locke wouldn't have that.

"Of course, you say that," DarkHawk answered through gritted teeth. Locke saw sweat on his forehead. DarkHawk was an ambush predator; a hunter. Locke saw that now. In his time as Consul, he had never bothered to pay attention to the Sith and the others in Marka Ragnos. He had assumed them safely under Muz Ashen's watch.

He really hoped Muz was not behind this.

That was ludicrous, but Locke didn't know what to believe any more. He had led the Brotherhood to that terribly destructive civil war over Korriban.

Focus, he told himself. How can you convince DarkHawk? The other man had an astute mind. He would not be convinced by Locke's mere statements.

As his attempts failed, Locke began to suspect that he would have to do something rash. No. He had always been cautious and scoffed at such tactics. He couldn't give that up.

DarkHawk knew as well as Locke that he was tiring, so the Augur suspected something desperate. He did not, however, expect DarkHawk to be so good at it.

The Battlemaster dropped a flash-bang grenade at his feet, but failed to trigger it. Either he had somehow messed up, or-

Locke glanced up, seeing lightning arc toward him. It hit his body, causing his nervous system to feel as if aflame. Locke roared in frustration and agony. He turned, leaping toward the ground, dodge-rolling away from DarkHawk. Heart beating loudly in his ears, the Augur came up to a crouch and looked around, lightsaber prepared.

DarkHawk was nowhere to be found.

Breathing deeply, Locke slowly stood up, looking around the chamber. In the dim light, there were many places to hide, especially with the unique architecture.

"I'm not the enemy," he said slowly," Sadow is everything to me." His voice was cold. There was no emotion. He did not blame DarkHawk for thinking that he had fallen.

He had fallen, after all - to the dark side - but he had not betrayed his Clan.

"Why should I believe you?" DarkHawk said.

Locke took a step toward one of the statues, trying to pinpoint where the other man hid. The Augur flared his presence in the Force, pushing it against the surrounding environment, mentally searching for the quiet eddies that would indicate the Sith's presence. He had to be nearby, but...there. The gentle waves of Force energy were not disturbed by stone or by flora, but they were by life.

Turning toward where DarkHawk hid, Locke stopped. He saw nothing.

"Because," Locke said softly, forcing the coldness from his voice. He threw his lightsaber aside, his eyes intent on the darkness where DarkHawk hid. "Sadow's my life. The Brotherhood is collapsing. Would I go to the Inquisitorius? I sacrificed half our fleet to protect our people!"

His mind went back to that day: the death; the chaos. It had not been orchestrated. There had been no carefully-calculated decision. It had been a mad scramble for survival.

He had been a fool, but he had to convince DarkHawk.

"Please DarkHawk, if you don't believe me, strike me down." He had to count on the other man's deductive reasoning now. DarkHawk seemed clever; Locke just hoped it was the right amount of clever.

A wraith-like shape slowly emerged from the darkness, DarkHawk's remaining lightsaber igniting with it's distinctive snap-hiss as the Sith came into view. He slowly approached, aiming that lightsaber directly at Locke's chest.

Locke breathed deeply, forcing himself to stand firm.. "I am not the enemy," he reiterated. "But they want us to fight."

DarkHawk tilted the tip of the lightsaber upward, forcing Locke to lift his chin to avoid being scarred. At least if I die, I will die with my dignity, he thought.

The two locked eyes. Finally, DarkHawk shut down his lightsaber. He slowly walked past Locke, but the Augur did not move, breathing slowly.

"I believe you," DarkHawk said quietly. Then, in one fluid motion, he spun around, hitting Locke over the head. The Augur collapsed, blinking spots from his eyes. It was hard enough to see in the darkness, but still he turned his head toward DarkHawk, tasting blood.

"Why then?" he whispered.

"You lied," DarkHawk answered, keeping his back to Locke. "The fleet was a route. Anyone could see that. There was no valiant sacrifice. You cannot save your reputation, Son of Sadow." The last bit was almost a growl. It felt like a knife to the heart. DarkHawk had always exhibited so much respect; so much honor. If he spoke so, then he had truly changed his mind about Locke.

He must despise me, the Augur thought.

DarkHawk collected his errant lightsaber and departed silently, disappearing into the dark.

Locke remained on his knees for a long time, staring at the stone ground. He had won a victory in that he had managed to convince DarkHawk not to kill him. At the same time, he had suffered a great loss in losing the man's trust.

What is happening to me? he thought. His grip on the world was slipping. His leadership had proved inadequate and lost him the respect of the people in Sadow's domain. Now, not even the Sadowans who would once follow him blindly into battle believed in him.

Still, he had to continue on. He had survived. He had to find whoever had set them up, and set that right, at least.

That small goal pushed Locke to stand up and depart Dromund Kaas.

Darth Renatus, 9 June, 2017 12:06 AM UTC

Syntax

His mind went back to that day: the death; the chaos

You only use semi-colons to parse out a list if the elements within the list use commas and thus you can't use those as separators.

igniting with it's distinctive

"it's" is a contraction and not a possessive. One of those weird English words.

The thing I really want to say as a general statement is that you use a lot of commas. A lot of them! May want to consider restructuring your sentences to make this somewhat less exhausting for the reader.