Professional Jasper Arlow vs. Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu

Professional Jasper Arlow

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Human, Mercenary, Scavenger
vs.

Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for your participation and seeing this match through to completion.

This was an interesting encounter that didn't necessarily follow the expected path of combat. Instead, it picked up with the action already in full swing and benefited from it rather than being dragged down. The emotions at play in Jasper's posts were impressive and the writing played to the strengths of both sheets at play here. Kojiro also demonstrated an understanding of the sheets and tied in the traits found there-in.

In the end, one story (and the proofing) was superior to the other, and that shows in the scores. With them tallied, Jasper Arlow is the winner.

Looking forward to your matches in the future.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Professional Jasper Arlow, Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu
Winner Professional Jasper Arlow
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Professional Jasper Arlow's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Oricon: Starship Graveyard
Last Post 21 July, 2017 12:43 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Jasper Arlow
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Repeated and obvious issues throughout. Not all have been highlighted in the comments, but enough to give you a sense of what's going on. Almost feels like proof-reading was skipped. Rationale: Only some minor issues.
Story - 40%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Jasper Arlow
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: There were several issues with the story you presented here. For one, you seemed to re-write and contradict the initial flow of the narrative, and then you muddied the waters some with your flow of events and the reasoning behind them. I explain it a bit more eloquently in the post comments themselves, but I was left pulled out of your writing a few times. Rationale: You took a risk by starting this match as a continuation of a larger encounter, but it played off well with the emotions you evoked and the flow of narrative you played with. While there wasn't much progression in terms of a plot or story here, with revelations and growth, you still told the story you wanted to tell. It had more strong points than weak, but didn't quite reach the pinnacle that is a 5. Very well done.
Realism - 25%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Jasper Arlow
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that were apparent. Rationale: No issues that were apparent.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Jasper Arlow
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that were apparent. Rationale: No issues that were apparent.
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.9 Jasper Arlow's Score: 4.45
Posts

Oricon Starship Graveyard

Oricon, the base of the ancient Dread Masters and nearly lost to time is steeped in the Dark Side, echoing the influences of both the Dread Masters and Darth Vitus before them. The landscape is an unforgiving nightmarescape of lava flows and volcanic rock dotted with strange plants and starship wrecks from a battle thousands of years ago. The smoky, sulfuric air of the surface nearly chokes most humanoids as it forces their eyes to adjust to the foggy haze illuminated by the soft glow of the lava flows. Tall, luminous blood ferns adorn the landscape, surrounded by vicious predators hardy enough to survive the intense conditions. Trenches and outcroppings formed from flowing lava serve to make footing uneven, adding yet another treacherous element to this already dangerous world. In the distance, the ruins of an ancient tower call out to those that can sense its terror—the fabled fortress of the Dread Masters. Remnants of ancient cults can be seen here and there, from wrecked huts to blood-stained altars and crumbling oubliettes.

Strong animals… they know when a heart’s weak. Makes 'em hungry, slaverin’ at tha fang. They’ll start comin’ fer ya. Jasper Arlow remembered speaking with an old Mando she’d once met in Coronet City. She found no comfort in his words, only a sorrowful truth.

The Corellian woman kneeled beside the body of her KX droid, wiping his battle-soiled face with the back of her sleeve, lip quivering. The blood-splattered metal was a painful reminder of her earlier escape from a Nihilgenia and his men. Her droid had defended her bravely, allowed her to escape into the thicket of blood ferns nearby. He’d also managed to flee, though they were separated for hours before she’d finally found his body.

“Rex, git up,” she coughed, chest aching. “Please,” Jasper begged, refusing to accept her new reality. Inhaling sharply, she shook him again. “Rexy? P-please… come back.” It was useless. With his power stores depleted, he was nothing more than a metal husk. She was inescapably alone.

Exhausted, Jasper collapsed against him, mind racing. Before her stretched a wasteland of death with the only functioning shuttles back at the enemy camp. The sweltering heat stifled her. Sulfuric smoke prickled with needle-sharp claws along the back of her throat, eager to strangle her. She thought she heard a whisper echo through the hazy dimness.

He was coming.

Panic struck her with a hammering blow. Jasper stumbled to her feet, taking her droid’s heavy E-11 blaster in hand before fleeing to the edge of the graveyard.

She threw herself against the scorched bulkhead of a wrecked shuttle, wrapping her arms around the gun, shoulders shaking. Mama, Daddy... El, Arcia–ev’ryone was right. The girl held back a sob, refusing to cry. She should have obeyed. She should have followed Edgar’s orders and never allowed herself to be captured in the first place. Now the location of the Kiast system was in danger and it was entirely her fault.

She heard the crunching of boots on volcanic shale and held her breath.

“Enough running!” his voice echoed against the metal hulls, hauntingly close. “You have nowhere to run. Not from me. Not from a Keibatsu.”

Jasper’s freckled fingers flittered over the trigger of her blaster. A Keybot Sue, she thought sourly. Even I dunno what kinda droid tha–

Her thoughts ran cold as he finally came into view, a nightmarish shadow of purple and black. The man crept towards her like a fog, ghostly white hair flying out behind him and a massive blaster cannon in his grip. His eyes, one piercing blue and the other fiery red, seemed to separate the haze that touched everything.

Gotta be tha good, she reminded herself, breathing in sharply as she leveled her blaster towards him. “Yer jus gonna hav’ta kill me!” she shouted, digging her heels into the rocky ground as she opened fire.

Emerald bolts breezed past the Krath, serving only to exhilarate him. With several of his men dead and others wounded, he wanted nothing more than to carry out the success of his mission. He would take this weak Odanite girl to the ritual altar within the ancient tower. He would bleed her, and the others, of every last secret–every last glimmering memory of the Kiast system and its inner workings. Then, with great delight, he would ensure her suffering for her attempted escape.

Again, the girl fired and missed. A wave of blissful euphoria washed over the Corsair with every bolt that screeched by. She was a terrible shot and it thrilled him. “You won’t last much longer,” he smirked and aimed for the ground near Jasper’s feet. “So just stand still,” he snapped, firing a round dangerously close to her.

The Nihilgenia moved forward, each blast corralling Jasper towards a volcanic outcropping behind the shuttle wreckage. Knowing he was right, the girl willed herself to carry on, refusing to let him win. Weighted down by his ridiculous armor he was a caged beast, and Jasper knew her quickness would soon leave her, exhaustion setting in. Outsmarting him was the only way.

She swung her blaster towards the cluster of blood ferns beside the man and unleashed another volley of fire. For once, her haphazard approach worked. With a loud crack, two of the plants snapped, crashing in front of him.

She grinned, proud of her cleverness, and rushed around the stunned warrior and ferntops, narrowly escaping his reaching hand.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 1:35 PM UTC

Syntax

Her droid had defended her bravely, allowed her to escape into the thicket of blood ferns nearby.

As structured, this reads very awkwardly. It would work as "allowing her to escape".

“Enough running!” his voice echoed against the metal hulls, hauntingly close.

"echoed" doesn't work as a replacement for "said", so this doesn't function as a single clause. You'd need to capitalize "his" after the dialogue.


Story

Thematically, this was a very interesting opening to the match. By having it be an encounter already in progress, a second stage if you will, you are able to delve into emotions and motivations right away without needing to waste too much time on the story of things. The dread is palpable and the writing is very well done.

The annoyance was evident across the features of the Keibatsu. This wasn’t how today was supposed to go. He had been ordered to meet a contact in the Inquisition, pick up a data disc regarding the Kiast system and leave. Why they had chosen this forsaken place he had little to no idea, perhaps it was due to its lack of anything remotely interesting. Something had gone wrong, as it always did, and now here he was chasing some damned girl through the thickets and wreckage of the past. Kojiro would of let her run but that damned droid of hers got a lucky shot and murdered DOX. The clone had simply stared disheartened as his Security Droid crumpled to the ground next to him before, and without thinking, he unleashed a barrage of fire from his heavy repeater and turned the woman's companion into scrap.

Now here he was chasing this scurrying rat through the wreckage. It wasn’t the first time he had curses his armour for restricting his movements but until he had a better control of his body after the enhancements made to him then this was the best he could do; brute force.

“Standstill girl,” he snapped as he watched her dart away and dive into the carcass of some ship. “Blasted traitor!” He managed to yell before unleashing a salvo of energy bolts into the space the woman had just vacated. If he couldn’t get the data from the disc then he would have to make do with the girl.

The clones footsteps clattered against the dura-steel floor as he ascended the wreckage. Without thinking it through he strode into the vessel and was immediately assaulted by a metal pipe aimed haphazardly at his head. The blow connected without much force but it was still enough to throw the Nihilgenia off and send him stumbling over the broken floor and to his knees.

“You murderer!” the woman spat and tried to swing again at the fallen man. “You killed Rex!”

With the pipe incoming, Kojiro had little time to react before it struck him on the shoulder with a clatter. There wasn’t much force behind it and in his defiance he reached out and grabbed it, yanking the metal from her hands. The force of his grip nearly sent tumbling but to her credit, she remained composure and darted away from him, up some fallen equipment and disappeared through a hole in the ceiling.

“Yeah well if you or that thing of yours hadn’t murdered my bloody Droid first we’d all be a long way away from here!” Kojiro yelled after her as he shoved himself to his feet. “Stupid kids,” he spat. The adrenaline rush from before had subsided and it allowed him time to view his options. There was no way he could fit through the gap she just had and looking around the only way forward was to go back outside and around. Letting out a sigh the Questor turned on his heel and marched back out into the graveyard.

As the air hit his face a sound reached his ears and Kojiro turned in time to see the shape of the woman darting across the hull of the ship they had both just departed. Jasper scurried along easily enough until her foot caught something Kojiro couldn’t see and she took a tumble, sliding down the hull and falling to the ground just out of the Corsairs vision. A small squeak caused him to pick up his pace as he rounded the corner and came face to face with the woman once more.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” he almost sneered as he raised his repeater cannon and aimed. “If this was up to me none of this would be occurring but it is what it is. Now give me the information on Kiast and you can go, hell I’ll even throw in credits for you to go repair your droid,” that last part seemed to bring a scowl to the woman's lips. “Look I’m not one for shooting woman in cold blood, regardless of what you think. Nor am I one to simply give up on a mission so we’re at an impasse and whatever happens next is completely up to you girl.”

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 1:51 PM UTC

Syntax

It wasn’t the first time he had curses his armour for restricting his movements but until he had a better control of his body after the enhancements made to him then this was the best he could do; brute force.

This entire sentence doesn't work as structured. For one, a semi-colon is meant to separate two independent clauses, which "brute force" isn't. The first portion just seems to ramble without any punctuation for flow control. A comma after "movements" would help a lot. Also, "cursed" instead of "curses".

Marathon sentences like this are common throughout this post. You forego the use of commas and such, which results in tiring and confusing structure.

“Standstill girl,”

Missed the space between words here.

The clones footsteps

This should be possessive instead of plural for "clones".

The force of his grip nearly sent tumbling but to her credit, she remained composure and darted away from him

You missed identifying who was "nearly sent tumbling" and it should be "composed".


Story

You spent a lot of time covering the same ground that was done in the first post, putting in the motivations and steps taken to get to this point in the story. This is unnecessary and in some ways contradictory thanks to the details you threw in. Makes for a confusing story. You did do a good job of portraying the personalities though, and how Jasper views him as having "killed" Rex rather than just the fact it needs to be repaired.

Jasper grit her teeth and swallowed hard. Her gaze flickered to the barrel of Kojiro’s cannon. His words were empty, meant only to give her the illusion of control. She frowned and tossed her blaster to the side, raising her hands in surrender.

Surprised that his quarry had finally given in, Kojiro stepped forward, never taking his aim from her. “The pea shooter, too,” he gestured to the pistol on her left hip.

She reached for her gun slowly. “Ya know... I use ta think there were an iota a hope fer you an’ yer kin. But yer jus’ rotten to tha core. A copy of a copy of a copy. You ain’t even a real person,” she lied, wanting nothing more than to bait him into reckless rage. If she could make it to cover or anger him enough to end it all, maybe Kiast would be safe.

Kojiro grew increasingly impatient with the girl, finding the desire to keep her alive less and less compelling. “You are weak,” he spat, “and a traitor.” He shuffled closer, lowering his weapon as he growled, “Your kind will be extinct soon enough, girl.”

“Doubt it!” Jasper grinned, drawing her pistol and sending a scatter of small bolts in his direction.

The Keibatsu cursed under his breath, lifting his arm to shield his face as the spray glanced across the wavering energy shield that encircled him. “You really ought to learn how to use that thing!” he shouted over the gunfire as another shot missed him.

I shouldn’t hafta need one, Jasper thought bitterly as she continued to back away. The girl fired relentlessly until she was near to the corner of the ship wreckage. She stumbled on the uneven ground, faltering and giving Kojiro his chance.

Red bolts rocketed through the hazy air, screaming as the collided with rock and metal. Jasper lurched behind the corner of the ship, sparing only a moment to return fire. Kojiro drove her back, finding a second burst of energy to rush the Odanite.

The staccato of fire ceased as the Keibatsu rounded the corner of the starship and reached out, just managing to catch the girl’s shoulder. With little effort, he jerked Jasper back, slamming her against of the durasteel wall beside them.

Her head cracked against the hard metal. Everything went white as pain ripped across her waist with the ferocity of an untamed rancor. She gasped wordlessly, grasping at her side. The Corsair reluctantly loosened his grip, letting her writhe against the bulkhead. To her right, he saw the hull of the ship curled outward, a jagged piece of shrapnel now sticky with blood.

Kojiro raised his cannon once more, pressing its barrel firmly against her chest. Panicked, Jasper turned her head, looking out at the hell she would perish in. The land wept, lava rolling through the darkness like molten tears. A burial shroud covered the very earth itself. Death knells. She swore she could hear them tolling.

Exhaustion ate away at her. She felt it beckoning. It whispered, “Close your eyes, child. Just rest a moment. Rest your tired eyes.” Blood trickled between her fingers. She fought the urge to retch at the warmth of it.

Dirty copper strands clung to her wet cheeks. She slowly pushed herself up against the wall, digging the heel of her boots into the loose pumice. She took a breath as the pain ebbed for a moment. “Sun...shine,” she murmured incoherently, “Arcy… El, I’m–”

Jasper fell silent and reluctantly closed her eyes, knowing that she tempted death in doing so. She summoned the last of her strength, groping at her hip for a weapon. Any weapon. She desperately prayed for a miracle. Instead, she found her thoughts drowned by the cacophonous cries of the soldiers, felled at her command. Her mother weeping. The screams of her friends on Solyiat as it burned.

Or was it the distant roars of a hungry predator?

Emerald eyes snapped open. Jasper let herself smile as she thought back to the words of the old Mando from Coronet City.

“Strong… animals,” she whispered, her words staggered between each trying breath. “They come fer tha weak hearted folk.” Her emerald gaze drifted up to Kojiro’s. She placed her bloody hands over his, her small fingers curling around his grip on the trigger. “They’re comin’ fer you,” Jasper chuckled, wincing as she did, “slaverin’ fangs ‘n all.”

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 2:06 PM UTC

Story

You did a good job looping back around to the theme of the match you established in your first post, ending with the same dialogue you opened with. It's a nice and under-utilized effect that can really help drive things home. The only problem with it is that I didn't really get a sense of closer at the end here. I know she was dying, but is she actually dead? Has this reached its final conclusion? Perhaps, but perhaps not.

She did something then that surprised the Corsair; Jasper smiled and let out a little laugh. This more than anything took the Nihilgenia off guard. A scowl edged its way across his face which only seemed to make the redhead laugh more.

“Gawd always so serious. All this dark and dreary rubbish. You know sacrificing me won’t do much, right?” Jasper chirped. “Could just let me go and no one would ever know all this fuss happened, right?” The woman took a step back from the clone and as she did he noticed the slight limp in her gait. Jasper’s eyes followed his gaze and she shrugged “Well, what do you expect with you chasing me through this graveyard? Have to say you certainly pull of the dark and ghoulish well, though I would totally suggest a new tailor. Black and purple? Really so last year.”

The woman was twittering and getting further away with each verbal assault. Her cheerfulness was beginning to annoy the Keibatsu more than her running.

“Just shut up, girl. I have no intention of letting you go. Not until I have what I want at least,” Kojiro advanced towards the retreating woman. “Now just stand still, give me the information on Kiast and we can all go home. You perhaps shouldn’t since you may be deemed a traitor, though I suppose it’s better than being dead.”

Jasper tilted her head to the side and blinked at him a few times before doubling over and laughing harder. “Really? You want that information? Well, I don’t know it, no truly,” she added as his expression changed to annoyance. “The information for that was in REX, and guess who shot him! You! You callous, horrible monster.” Jasper stood up and it was then Kojiro noticed the tear in the eye of the Odanite. “So guess this was all pointless eh? Unless you get your thrills from chasing woman through blasted shipyards. Is this what it means to be a Keibatsu? Because it’s rather pathetic and not what I expected of that name, being Pravus’ lap dogs.”

The final words hit the Keibatsu like a truck. Who was this girl to dare challenge him what it means to be a Keibatsu? But she was right wasn’t she. She is. The realisation annoyed him and within a heartbeat, Kojiro caught them both by surprise by grabbing the smaller woman by the arm and hoisting her from her feet. Something cracked in her wrist as he heaved her up, a soft squeal escaped her lips and as Jasper dangled from the ground Kojiro stared into her tear stained eyes.

Something clicked inside as he stared into the woman's eyes and saw his own reflection within them. Jasper was unceremoniously dropped to the ground and the Nihilgenia turned on his heel and began walking away from her.

“Go, get out of here. Take your Droid and show the Odanites your wounds, tell them you bested a Keibatsu if you must. I will not be a monster, regardless of what they did to me,” Kojiro rounded the nearest downed ship and disappeared from view leaving the bewildered and thankful Jasper to live another day. As the Questor moved away from the conflict site he sighed and eyed the pistol in his holster. “No...not this day. I still have much to do, I just have to live with myself a little longer.”

Then with no more words, the Keibatsu vanished into the night and let the ruined machines around swallow him up.

Darth Renatus, 13 August, 2017 2:16 PM UTC

Syntax

Jasper’s eyes followed his gaze and she shrugged

You didn't close this off with punctuation before starting the dialogue.

Questor

Should be "Quaestor".


Story

So, for me the most jarring thing about this post is your ending. There isn't much to corroborate on in your Aspects, so the meat of the effort in convincing the reader that this course of action makes sense falls into the narrative. Now, it's not a case of running up against the word count limit, as you had some room to play with. Still, it feels clipped. Quick. The reasoning behind it isn't laid out in the pages for the reader to weigh and compare. I came around to seeing it as making sense, I suppose, but it wasn't immediately apparent. Just seemed odd and took me out of the story.