Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu vs. Warlord Legorii Arconae

Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist, Krath
vs.

Warlord Legorii Arconae

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Anzat, Sith, Marauder, Krath
Comment

Thank you both for participating in Phase I of the ACC's GJW event!

Let me first apologize for how long it took me to grade this after I claimed it - I was intent on getting it done days ago, but RL had some other plans for me. Now, let's talk about the match. It was like the ACC's version of a Michael Bay film: lots of stuff blew up, there were shots fired all over the place... it was fun! Both writers had a few issues in the syntax arena and both had the same minor detractor regarding thermal grenades, but what elevated Legz' writing just enough to take the match was his use of the venue. The streets of Nar Shadaa are an interesting place to stage an ACC match, and I think you could have a really good time writing a battle here. Legz didn't spend a long time discussing the venue in his opening, but he did enough to differentiate it from any other city venue.

The winner of this match is Legorii Arconae.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu , Warlord Legorii Arconae
Winner Warlord Legorii Arconae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Corsair Kojiro Keibatsu 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Legorii Arconae's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 19 July, 2017 6:30 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae
Syntax - 15%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Legorii Arconae
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A few issues, but nothing that pulled me out of the story. Rationale: A few issues, but nothing that pulled me out of the story.
Story - 40%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Legorii Arconae
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: There was a lot of action - explosions! blaster fire! - which was fun. The issue is, there wasn't much else. Legz wrote you into a bit of a corner (almost literally, actually) by having your character open fire at the end of his post. However, you could have still taken the time to delve deeper into some non-combat aspects of the story - either by trying to pause the action and talk it out, showing your character reflecting on it more, or something along those lines. Rationale: Like with Kojiro's story, there was a lot of action involved in this battle. That's certainly not a bad thing. What elevated you to a four was your use of the locale, which I appreciated.
Realism - 25%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Legorii Arconae
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: The thermal grenade issue was a minor detractor here. Rationale: The thermal grenade issue was a minor detractor here.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow Legorii Arconae
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues noted. Rationale: No issues noted.
Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 3.8 Legorii Arconae's Score: 4.2
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Streets

The Vertical City, Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. From a vantage point on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel offers a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Simple shops and merchants peddle both legitimate and illegitimate wares. Storefronts are just as plentiful as open-market pop-up tents, and the cantina's adapt the same lowlife air as the rest of the Smuggler's Moon. Enemies could be hidden in plain sight, whether one of the Hutts’ gangsters or mercenaries-for-hire looking to earn some credits. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for one gifted in the Force.

A light rain fell on the slick streets of Nar Shaddaa. Legorii tugged his cloak tighter. It took great concentration on his part to avoid quickening his pace. He was trying to keep an appropriate distance between himself and his quarry. Kojiro Keibatsu cut a distinctive figure, towering above most of the denizens of the Vertical City. His armor, accented with unmistakable Keibatsu purple, gleamed in the city's artificial lighting. The citizens of the smuggling capital were no strangers to violence, and had about them a jaded quality that made even the most atypical sights seem unremarkable. And yet, even they gave extra berth to the imposing, metallic warrior that plunged through their throngs as though they were invisible.

Legorii had some familiarity with Nar Shaddaa. He had been raised in Coruscant's underworld, so he was no stranger to seedy streets. Clan business had taken him to the moon a few times, but never before with the urgency of today's task. He no longer served his Consul; indeed, if she knew he was here, he wasn't sure what she'd do. He served the shadows, as he always had. And nowhere were there more shadows than on Nar Shaddaa. There were rumors that Kojiro, through his association with his supposed brothers, had some insight into the latest machinations of the Brotherhood's far-flung former leaders. With mounting concern over the disappearance of Pravus, any shred of intel could tilt the balance of the impending conflict. Any possible advantage must be pursued. And Kojiro was the weak link.

The Arconan's crimson eyes took in his surroundings. He noted the heavy blaster that provided the rationale for Kojiro's self-assured swagger. He kept an eye on the crowds, glancing at each street corner. Legorii had no qualms about killing innocents, if it came to it. And on Nar Shaddaa, there really was no such thing as innocence. He also had no qualms about shooting a man in the back, though he needed Kojiro alive long enough to spill whatever secrets he might be harboring. Discreetly, he unslung his BlasTech A280 rifle, gripping it in both hands. He quickened his pace just a bit, narrowing the gap between himself and the cyborg.

Just as he lifted the rifle and began to take aim at his prey's shoulder, Legorii was jostled by another person on the street. Two men ran past, one in pursuit of the other, shouting in some alien tongue that the Anzat did not recognize. The commotion was enough to cause Kojiro to stop and turn. Immediately, his eyes met Legorii's. His blue and red eyes were nearly as colorful as the gaudy lighting of the buildings that loomed above him. The clone swung his heavy repeater in the Arconan's direction. With almost chilling dispassion, the crowd parted and avoided the two men, allowing them to face one another on the rain-slicked street.

"So, they tell me that--" Legorii began, before being cut off by a burst of bolts from Kojiro's blaster. The Arconan dove to the side, allowing the bolts to bury themselves in the enticing facade of a nearby gambling house. Grinding his teeth, more irritated at the interruption than the assault, Legorii returned fire with his own rifle. The cyborg was by no means a small target, but the Anzat was not eager to get into a shoot-out here on the street. The repeater rifle looked punishing, and Legorii preferred to do his killing more artfully. The two exchanged fire as Legorii maneuvered himself behind the corner of a building. Kojiro pursued him, albeit slowly. He maintained a steady stream of plasma, requiring his opponent to dip into his Dark Side reservoir to weave around each shot that wandered close enough to his person.

Once he was behind the corner and had a few seconds of respite, the Anzat took off sprinting. He crossed the street and burst through the front door of an open cantina, then positioned himself just inside the door frame. Watching. Waiting, oblivious to the startled patrons. The Arconan's rifle was trained on the street outside.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 9 August, 2017 3:52 AM UTC

Watching. Waiting, oblivious to the startled patrons. The Arconan's rifle was trained on the street outside.

A lot of your sentences read a bit choppy - the first four sentences of your post are a good example. There's nothing wrong with that, as it's a stylistic choice. Here, however, the periods/commas are in weird places that break up the flow of the sentence. I think that it reads much better as "Watching, waiting. Oblivious to the startled patrons." I read the sentence aloud and it just sounds strange as written.

The heavy footfalls of the armoured man resounded along the now empty street. Heat marks littered the ground where blaster fire had connected to the street rather than his target and the Keibatsu inwardly cursed. He had been positive on more than one occasion that a shot would hit the mark but each time the unknown assailant managed to weave around it with unnatural skill, unnatural for a regular person anyway. Raising his armoured gauntlet he tapped in a few commands to his commlink and opened a channel.

“DOX, we have an unknown assailant. Possible enhanced or Force user. Require your presence on site. Return from advance guard now,” the reply he received came back in a short burst of binary and he sighed at the attitude the Droid threw his way. “I don’t care if you are attempting to murder a few rude locals, get here now.”

Turning his attention back to the matter at hand, the Keibatsu manoeuvred to the corner of the building his assailant had disappeared behind moments before. Hefting the heavy repeater canon he took a moment to centre himself before peering gingerly around the building. Nothing.

“First he tries to shoot me in the back, then he scurries away like a womp rat. Pathetic and cowardly,” Kojiro muttered to no one in particular as he eased himself around the corner and strode down the alleyway towards the street on the other side. Each footstep brought an echo with it that rebounded from the walls around him and as he began to approach the end of the alleyway he stopped as something odd caught the Nihilgenias attention. “Why is that door?…”

The words didn’t have time to leave his mouth before a stream of blaster fire roared its way towards him from the open door. The alleyway left him nowhere to go so he desperately hammered the small control on his belt. A small energy shield wrapped its way around the clone and the blaster fire impacted against the wall of it, defusing it harmlessly but draining the device and causing it to power down. With nowhere to go the Keibatsu took aim and unleashed a torrent of blaster fire back towards the open door. There was no finesse in the weapon the Quaestor handled but each shot wove its way across the street and impacted through, onto or near the door. Civilians who were stupid enough to still be in the area moved as the hulking man moved forwards towards what appeared to be a cantina.

Someone appeared at the door, then disappeared as bolts of high energy struck him, momentarily lifting him from his feet and pushing him back into the cantina. At this point, Kojiro had made it out into the open and was moving closer and closer to the building. So intent on the door in front of him he failed to notice a figure moving at one of the cantina’s upper windows. Blaster fire struck Kojiro in the left shoulder as his target opened fire from above. The injury caused the clone to swing wildly as pain shot through his system and as he swung the heavy repeater raked across the building and cut down a few bystanders who were stupid enough to still be close by. Kojiro removed his finger from the trigger as he attempted to balance himself whilst getting out of cover from the fire above. More blaster fire peppered the road where moments before his head would have been and he let out a silent curse and prayer to whatever was watching him that day.

Suddenly the air was filled with the sound of approaching blaster fire and it took the Quaestor a moment to realise it wasn’t coming towards him but from up the street. Approaching his location was the black metal body of an Imperial Sentry Droid, arm raised and it’s blaster rifle raking the side of the cantina. DOX had finally decided to turn up.

Hoping the distraction was enough the Clone pushed himself back out into the street and took aim at the upper floor, letting loose one of the rockets from his purge armour’s shoulder mounted launcher. The air was filled with a soft whoosh as the ordinance left its bay and burst through one of the upper windows before colliding with something in the building. The room above lit up like a nova and the armoured giant was pelted with masonry and falling glass.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 9 August, 2017 3:01 AM UTC

Return from advance guard now,” the reply he received came back in a short burst of binary and he sighed at the attitude the Droid threw his way.

As opposed to a comma to close out the conversation, you'd want to use a period here. Otherwise, it reads oddly with the next bit. I'm also not sure I'd capitalize droid here.

Hefting the heavy repeater canon...

cannon*

So intent on the door in front of him he failed to notice a figure moving at one of the cantina’s upper windows.

The beginning of the sentence is missing something along the lines of "He was..."

The injury caused the clone to swing wildly as pain shot through his system and as he swung the heavy repeater raked across the building and cut down a few bystanders who were stupid enough to still be close by.

This is a run on. Also, it's the second time you mentioned the "bystanders who were stupid enough" thing.

...arm raised and it’s blaster rifle...

its*

The Dark Side had alerted Legorii to the impending missile, but only just. He hurled himself out of its path, diving toward the back of the room. He tried to cover his head as the rocket ripped through the cantina’s outer façade, sending shards of durasteel and stone down upon him. The blasterfire from the street below subsided.

The Arconan’s ears were ringing. In a daze, he gingerly attempted to roll out from beneath to rubble. He brushed dust and scorched paint peels from his black robes. There was pain in at least a half-dozen places. The bruises and welts would be with him for days, but he was alive. He reached down and pulled his BlasTech rifle from the debris and inspected it. Dinged and dented but functional.

Legorii was far enough back in the now-demolished room that he could not be seen from the street below. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Kojiro made his way into the cantina in search of his corpse. But for now, he had to contend with the screaming patrons who were spilling out into the street, fleeing from the indiscriminate killing-machine that had planted himself in the center of their not-sleepy Nar Shaddaa street.

The Arconan pulled his comlink from his robe. “Valefar. I’m pinned down in the cantina. Come around onto the street, I’ll toss you a gun.” The HK droid, an ever-vigilant bodyguard, was never far from its Anzat master. But Legorii was now regretting not outfitting him with the blaster in advance. Cautiously, he stepped to the edge of the blown-open building and peered out into the street. There was no sign of Kojiro Keibatsu. Even so, a burst of blaster bolts tore through the gaping hole, forcing Legorii to step back behind what remained of the wall.

Cursing, Legorii recognized his new assailant as an Imperial Sentry Droid. It would prove a worthy challenge for Valefar. Cocking his head, the Anzat listened to the sound of boots thudding up the stairs. That’ll be my guest. He unclipped his lightsaber from his belt and flipped the activation knob. With his free hand, he tossed his rifle out on the open street, hoping that Valefar would find it. And that it wouldn’t be too damaged in the fall.

Kojiro pushed his way into the room, his heavy repeator cannon trained on the Arconan. “I’ll kill you where you stand, Jedi,” he spat. “Shooting at me while my back is turned, then fleeing? You’re a special sort of cowardly.”

Legorii’s crimson eyes narrowed. “No man calls me coward twice,” he replied. He lunged forward, his emerald lightsaber deflecting the first three blaster bolts that erupted from Kojiro’s blaster. The clone immediately started backpedaling. He dropped his blaster to his side and slammed the door to the cantina’s upper room shut. He knew it wouldn’t delay Legorii for long, but it did give the cyborg time to grab his thermal grenade.

Meanwhile, on the street below, Valefar had turned the corner and caught side of the BlasTech rifle that Legorii had tossed him. As he headed toward it, the jet-black Imperial Sentry Droid stationed outside the cantina turned its blaster toward him. The HK droid bent mechanically and retrieved the rifle. Kojiro’s droid opened fire. Exposed, the HK droid immediately took two hits. Neither hit his main circuitry, but as he attempted to return fire, the A280 rifle did nothing. Repeatedly, the droid squeezed the trigger, and the barrel remained curiously silent. Between the rubble above and the fall to the street below, the gun was damaged. Defenseless, Valefar was annihilated by the sentry droid’s relentless stream of blasterfire.

Legorii slashed through the door on the second floor of the cantina. Kojiro had backed sufficiently far down the stairs that he could just barely peek over the top. Gritting his teeth, trying to ignore the pain in his shoulder, he rolled his thermal grenade toward the door and made his way down the steps. The explosive detonated just as the Anzat crossed the threshold. His body was flung back into the room he’d just exited. There, he came to rest, bloody and broken upon the detritus.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 9 August, 2017 3:25 AM UTC

With his free hand, he tossed his rifle out on the open street, hoping that Valefar would find it. And that it wouldn’t be too damaged in the fall.

Similar to my comment on your first post, this is choppy as written. I think an em dash would replace the period nicely.

Valefar had turned the corner and caught side...

sight*

His body was flung back into the room he’d just exited.

I'm not sure it's been established in nu canon just how explosive a thermal detonator is, but Wookieepedia's Legends portion of the thermal detonator article mentions a blast radius of five to six meters disintegrating (atomizing, specifically). The way this is written, Legorii was in the doorway when the grenade went off, also in the door way - which means instead of a body getting blown somewhere he's now a red mist.

“That worked out well did it not, Sir?” the security droid piped up. The droid’s servos stirred as it turned its attention from the burning room above to the Corsair. “That was as they say, too easy. Do you know who the target was?”

Kojiro nursed his damaged shoulder and shrugged gently. His foot kicked a piece of masonry and he watched it tumble away. Patrons of the cantina pushed themselves out from the ruined door and avoided the armoured man, slinking their way through rubble and down side alleys.

“No idea DOX. Whoever it was, he was a coward who ran as soon as he could. Let's continue on, we need to get back to the ship and meet up with the family; the mission here was a dud anyway,” Kojiro placed a hand on the metallic shoulder of the droid and moved past him. He had only gone a few steps before the soft rustle of footsteps behind the pair made him turn.

The sound of ignition and a hum of a swing met his ears and he watched in anger as a green blade tore its way through the chassis of DOX, cleaving him in two and sending the machine in two directions. As the two halves hit the ground the burned form of his opponent stepped forward. A clear sneer of self-satisfaction evident on his face.

“Worthless scrap,” he laughed as he shoved one-half of the fallen droid with his foot. “Much like you. All those who can’t wield the majesty of the Force. Now, let us start again, shall we? You tell me what I want to know and I’ll kill you quickly…”

A savage roar left the giant’s mouth as he raised his heavy blaster cannon and let rip with a stream of energy. Legorii had been anticipating this and moved aside, his movements too quick for the Corsair to focus on and as he moved he closed in to within an arm's length. The blade swung and instinctively the Nihilgenia responded in kind swinging the blaster towards his opponent. Plasma met metal and as expected cut through it, searing the weapon in two, much like the droid before it. As the weapon met its end, Kojiro let it go and swung his armoured fist towards the right shoulder of his assailant whom had become momentarily exposed due to the assault. The left fist connected and sent the attacker off balance but Legorii managed to recuperate and delivered a backhand blow that tore up through the Corsair’s exposed arm, severing it at the elbow.

Kojiro followed the fallen appendage and then the blade as Legorii finished his assault with a twist of the wrist and plunged the blade directly into the solar plexus of the Quaestor. Kojiro crumpled to the ground, still alive but the effort to maintain that state draining him. Legorii placed his foot upon the man's chest and spat upon the fallen clone’s face before laughing and withdrawing the blade.

“Pathetic. I said I’d give you a quick death, you freak, now look at you. Slow it’ll have to be then!” Legorii stamped down hard on the wound which sent a shiver through the Corsair’s body. “Now, tell me what the Grand Master has planned. Muz that is, not Pravus,” the Arconan demanded.

The clone let out a wheezing cough and mumbled something inaudible to the mocking assailant. “What? Speak up! Oh, I suppose you can’t. Fine.” Legorii knelt, the smell of singed flesh strongly hit the clone’s nose as he did so. Kojiro muttered something again. “You’re testing my patience, Keibatsu,” he lowered his ear to the fallen man's mouth.

“I’ll...never betray my family.” were the only words the Keibatsu managed as his hand shot up and clenched itself around the Warlord’s neck pinning him to the Nihilgenia. Something metallic hit the ground and rolled a few paces. Legorii had only milliseconds to take in the view of the thermal detonator before it detonated. The following explosion triggered the remaining ammunition in Kojiro’s shoulder launcher and the other explosives strapped to his person.

Nothing remained of the two apart from chunks of flesh and pieces of armour. Clean up crews arrived to clean the scene, but within an hour the busy street had forgotten the incident and life on Nar Shaddaa returned to normal, as it always had before.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 9 August, 2017 3:38 AM UTC

The sound of ignition and a hum of a swing met his ears and he watched in anger as a green blade tore its way through the chassis of DOX, cleaving him in two and sending the machine in two directions. As the two halves hit the ground the burned form of his opponent stepped forward. A clear sneer of self-satisfaction evident on his face.

Couple of issues here - the first sentence is a run on, and the second two sentences need to be combined.

Nothing remained of the two apart from chunks of flesh and pieces of armour.

Same exact comment as at the end of Legz' final post. A thermal detonator going off on top of them - and then cooking off all the other explosives - is going to vaporize everything in a good-sized radius around them.