Seer Kojiro Keibatsu vs. Seer Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine

Seer Kojiro Keibatsu

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Krath
vs.

Seer Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Shistavanen, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Krath
Comment

First off, I would like to thank both of you for your participation in the Coach’s Corner ACC event. As people who’ve been in the club for a while, it can be easy to get complacent, yet you both opted to sign up with the aim of improving your writing and hopefully, having fun. That out of the way, I’ll address you both before some brief closing remarks and announcement of the winner.

Kojiro, I found the description to be your strong point across both posts, that is not in question. However, there’s always room for improvement, and as I’ve noted in the scores and post comments, your ending could have been improved by making it a closer end to the fight. Your syntax was better in the second post, but when it came to commas, in particular, you slipped up a fair bit. That said I’ve offered advice on how you can attempt to overcome this and raise the quality of what is already impressive writing.

Mune, like your opponent I found a definite strength to be in your ability to create mental images through words, the mark of an excellent storyteller. Also like your opponent, there could have been an improvement to your ending, detailed in the post comments. However, I wouldn’t want you to mistake my constructive criticism as something meant to detract from my praise for your writing. You had some issues with commas in your first post, which I’ve offered potential solutions for, but an encouraging part of your writing was that you seemingly learned this between posts and your second post was much tighter grammatically speaking.

It was an utter joy to read this match, you both contributed equally and when scoring this it was closer than the scores may suggest, that said a score above 4 is nothing to sniff at. With that said Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine is declared the winner.

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Kojiro Keibatsu , Seer Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine
Winner Seer Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Kojiro Keibatsu 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Malachor: Sith Temple Ruins
Last Post 12 June, 2018 4:30 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Your first post was something akin to shaky ground, but you recovered well in the second post to lift the standard enough to be considered a 4, good job. Rationale: Often and repeated errors with commas throughout both posts are the albatross of your posts, which were strong despite the mistakes made.
Story - 40%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: You have strong storytelling skills, your descriptions of combat as well as the environment were beautiful, and you took the risk of having a twist as the ending. Unfortunately, it felt a bit out of nowhere, which while can sometimes be just what’s required, it wasn’t wholly executed well enough for a 5. Rationale: You were able to describe the venue, as well as the characters and their actions quite effectively. What kept your score from a 5 was a real twist in the narrative. In the end, Kojiro, despite having less endurance when accounting for his armour and the Beast of Burden Feat when compared to Mune’s light armour, which adds no encumbrance and having the same level of base endurance before armour.
Realism - 25%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 5 (Advantage) Score: 5
Rationale: Well done here, no errors. Rationale: No errors were detected.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Mune Cinteroph Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: Not a mistake in sight. Rationale: No mistakes to speak of.
Adept Mune Cinteroph's Score: 4.84 Warden Kojiro Keibatsu Sadow's Score: 4.55
Posts

Malachor Sith Temple Ruins

From space, Malachor seems no more than a lifeless ball of ash. In the center of an open crater, however, lies the ancient Sith Temple. This colossal pyramid of black stone is the relic of a disastrous battle between the forces of darkness and light thousands of years ago.

Though the surface of Malachor has a breathable atmosphere, the air is dead still, and there is no sign of life. The caldera housing the Temple is a tableau of the terrible struggle that took place here so many millennia ago. Scattered through the causeways and crumbling boulders are the petrified figures of the foregone combatants, their hands raised eternally against whatever cataclysm took the life from their bodies. Some still grasp their Jedi weapons, though most likely the life is gone from them too. The pallid white light of the sun spreads unhindered through the crater, but it does little to illumine the intrinsic darkness of the stones.

The Sith Temple is not a place of the light side. It is said the very stones react to the touch of the dark side. The pyramid itself is seemingly inaccessible, though its blocked entrance is associated with an old saying: “Two must lift these stones, no more, no less.” Despite its undeniable age, the crater is littered with signs of a more recent calamity; ash and debris, columns toppled outwards from the Temple, broken arches. It is as though the millennial dust stirred, briefly, then returned to its repose under the sun.

The layer of ash cracked under the footstep of the lone armoured figure as he made his way towards the imposing structure before him. The great pyramid loomed above the Quaestor. It felt almost suffocating, every single step he took dragged at him like a leaden weight.upon his mind and heart. The dread of the temple carried in the wind as easily as the ash that billowed around his legs and gently against his helm. Kojiro’s cloak caught in a stronger gust and lifted behind him almost causing him to cease his tireless advance.

Artifacts of the Sith. That was the only reason he was here. The sword and even the armour he wore were both fashioned after relics from the dark ages. From the eras of the Sith and their wars against the despicable Jedi. To Kojiro, however, copies were not good enough, he wanted more. He wanted a true taste of the past and the power it held.

The pressure of the pyramid had reached its crescendo as Kojiro made his way up the steps to the blocked entrance. The man had heard tales about how to gain entry but had thought little of it. Why rely on another when he could utilise the Force to dominate all?

The Quaestor’s head screamed as approached the entrance to the Pyramid. The stories claimed it needed two to open the way, but he thought better and aimed to prove it. Kojiro held out his free hand, the other holding his Bisento tight, and channelled the Force towards the blocked entrance. Slowly but surely the stones began to move, further, higher then... nothing. As quickly as the entrance began to open it slammed closed and regardless of how often he tried the same result. Frustration began to fill the Clone and in his anger, he lashed out. Masonry ricocheted from the side of the temple and collided with a half fallen statue, taking what was left of it to the ground.

“Don’t your type ever do research before breaking things? Or is it just your style to smash things until you get a result?” A voice quipped from behind him.

Kojiro turned on his heel and looked down upon….something. A sneer graced his lips as some weird hybrid of animal and man walked up the stairs towards him. Sweat glistened upon the thing’s brow and it was evident the effects of the temple were not just affecting the Juggernaut.

“What are you?” the Quaestor queried. “Why are you here?”

“How rude, I believe the question is who, rather than what. As for that, I don’t think it matters. You want inside, I want inside. So let's go inside,” the man couldn’t see the displeasure upon the Quaestor’s face but he could guess it existed given how he had approached him. “Unless you’d rather stand outside smashing things.”

“Fine.”

They stood then, together and the Force echoed around them as they lifted the stones blocking the entrance together. Once the way was clear, the fox-like human thing led the way and Kojiro followed after, into the bowels of the pyramid. The pressure within the Pyramid was worse than anything the Clone had experienced before. As he followed behind his new companion the darkness of it began creeping into his mind.

They took a few more steps and entered a vast central room. His companion had taken a moment to stop and stare and as Kojiro moved up behind him he felt himself adjust his grip on the Electro-Bisento before swinging it in a downwards guillotine chop. His target must have felt something about to occur. He dropped and rolled away from the impact, drawing two swords from their sheaths. The alien dashed in and found both his swings blocked by his assailant’s weapon. A right hook caused the human-hybrid to jump away once more and again as the polearm was thrust towards him with some force.

“Guess I was right, you can only smash. Who are you anyway?” His target muttered at him as he made enough space between the Clone and himself.

The Quaestor rose to his full height and sneered behind his helmet.

“Quaestor Kojiro Keibatsu,” was his only reply as he moved in.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 June, 2018 3:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Descriptions are a major positive in your writing, even when factoring in the limit on word count required for the event, to hone in on this, look at what you're writing and see if it could benefit from additional detail and add that detail if you think it would add to the environment or the story.

Can Be Improved


The only thing that regularly cropped up was not having commas where they should be, but commas are one of the easiest things to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each of those has exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. They're often used too much or not enough in writing. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. One proofer, two proofers, three or four proofers, additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work.

Mune kept his eyes focused on the man before him. Kojiro made to close the distance between them. Quickly, he estimated the space that separated he and Keibatsu, using it to judge just how quickly the Human moved. The Palatinaean Rollmaster shifted his footing sideways and felt the breeze created by his assailant’s bisento. Mune’s eyes tracked the arc of the blade.

The clone shifted his weight and turned the vertical slash into a vicious horizontal swipe. Mune caught the edge upon the broad side of one of his swords. He felt the sheer force reverberate up his left arm and noted mentally the man’s strength. Kojiro’s weight was behind the blow and Mune felt his feet scrape the floor underfoot. The Shistavanen disengaged, pivoting on his right foot and narrowly dodging a quick thrust of the enemy’s bisento. The advantage of the weapon’s reach was immediately obvious.

“My name is Mune Cinteroph-Palpatine.”

“I never asked your name…” Kojiro muttered.

“I offer it freely,” Mune quipped.

The Human snorted and levelled his weapon, the tip pointed directly at its intended target. Mune felt the fur along his spine quiver. This was a man to be feared, and he knew it with every fiber of his being.

Kojiro charged.

Mune reversed the grip of the sword in his right hand, freeing up some of his fingers and focussed. The Force answered, though if felt far darker than he had expected. It had to have been the influence of the Sith Temple. Sharpening his focus, he gestured and shoved forcefully the point of the weapon sideways. Kojiro hadn’t expected the use of telekinesis, Mune was well within his guard. The Shistavanen struck with his left sword, aiming to drive it low and into the man’s right thigh.

Kojiro was a veteran of more than a few battles, the Force answered his call readily and adjusted his speed enough to turn the attack into a grazing blow that left but a gouge in his armour. He grasped the opportunity of having the other man so close. He released one hand from his weapon and in a quick motion backhanded the Palatinaean Rollmaster.

Mune saw through the Force the next attack but was too close to effectively dodge. Instead he drew on the Force to strengthen his resilience, breaking bones was not on his list of things to do. He braced and took the blow on the left side of his head. He felt the world flip and the ground rush up to greet him. The pain exploded behind his eyes. His senses barely returned in time to avoid Kojiro’s bisento plunging towards him. He rolled and the blade plunged into stone and ash.

With a grunt, Mune rose back to his feet, his left ear still ringing slightly. Kojiro looked unamused, his eyes full of rage turned on the other man. “I’ll kill you.”

The words sent a tremor down the Shistavanen’s spine. The certainty with which the words were uttered unnerved him.

“I will destroy everything that is you…”

The words echoed through Mune’s mind, the Force turned against him, the darkness reaching a cold hand to clench around his heart. The thud of his heart filled his ears, the arena of battle fallen to shadows all around him, deeper than he could have ever imagined them before that moment. Then he felt the Force beginning to well within, and he recognized a response he dreaded. He grasped onto logic, counting down in his head to try and gain control of his own emotions and mind.

Kojiro began a slow walk towards him. His weapon raised, his brow furrowed in concentration as he continued to exert his powers upon his opponent.

What Mune lacked in resolve, he made up for in a sharp mind. He desperately worked to analyze his way out of the fear that worked to engulf him so entirely. Its gaping maw thrown wide to take him in whole and destroy him.

Kojiro lunged.

Mune twisted, he felt the jolt of the electro bistento and the instant numbing of his left arm. It was but a shallow cut that drew thin rivulets of blood. Mune dropped his second weapon in that moment and touched his palm upon the Human’s right wrist and the Force responded. In a wicked snap of tendon and bone, Kojiro’s right wrist was ruined.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 June, 2018 3:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


The words echoed through Mune’s mind, the Force turned against him, the darkness reaching a cold hand to clench around his heart. The thud of his heart filled his ears, the arena of battle fallen to shadows all around him, deeper than he could have ever imagined them before that moment.

Here you paint a vivid image of what's going on with Mune, how he feels and how that changes his perception of the things around him. It's a great piece of writing and something that if demonstrated more often, like your strong descriptions, would elevate your writing. One way to do this would be to consider the story you are trying to tell, and see if you can think of words or phrases to use when describing an object or someone's senses and to make sure you aren't overdoing it.

Can Be Improved


Sharpening his focus, he gestured and [forcefully shoved] the point of the weapon sideways.

Here you had it written in a slightly awkward manner, whereas the correction above as well as "shoved the point of the weapon sideways forcefully." would have worked. A good way to remember is that the adverb modifies the verb, so it comes before the verb or after the subject, where the use of which adverb, sideways or forcefully, you decide to use first is grammatically correct.

The only other thing that regularly cropped up was not having commas where they should be, but commas are one of the least difficult things to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each of those has exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. They can be used too much or not enough on a regular basis. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. One proofer, two proofers, three or four proofers, additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work.

The wrist crunched and agony shot through the nerves of the Quaestor, but agony gave way to anger and rage. His opponent had made a fundamental flaw and with gritted teeth, the Clone took advantage of it. The left hand of the Quaestor swung in hard and fast and caught the alien in the gut, winding him. Mune stumbled back a few steps, and as he did, a follow up left-handed uppercut struck him on the chin with Force infused strength. A crunch of pure satisfaction hit the ears of the Keibatsu and he backed himself away from his fallen foe, pain threatening to overtake his own senses.

Mune was stunned, and his jaw was definitely shattered. As he moved to push himself up he felt a tightening around his throat. The Quaestor held his undamaged hand before him and began squeezing. The Force acted like a vice; tightening and restricting the air intake for the Shistavanen. His hands raked at his throat and with a shattered jaw all he could do was mumble and gasp.

Kojiro moved closer. Fire and anger danced behind his eyes as he glared at his suspended foe. His right wrist throbbed and as he stood staring at the pitiful excuse for a creature before him. He found his head pounding from the effort and concentration as he held Mune aloft.

The Quaestor moved towards his now semi-limp opponent and eyed it through hazy eyes. It was strange, foul. Koji hated aliens at the best of times, but hybrids creeped him out. He shook his head to clear his mind, as he did Mune kicked out and caught his damaged wrist. A yelp of pain escaped his lips and he stumbled back himself, almost falling to one knee in the process. As Kojiro went down a snap-hiss drew his attention and he moved just in time to avoid a potentially lethal blow, instead the blade struck his left pauldron shaving the paintwork from it. The blade descended towards the Clones neck but with a surge of adrenaline Kojiro managed to reach up and block the descent by grabbing Mune’s attacking wrist.

Blood was seeping down Kojiro’s leg from where he had been stabbed earlier, his right wrist and hand hung loosely and his head rang with pain. But in his defiance, he stared up at the hybrid and snarled. The Quaestor didn’t need the Force to accomplish his goal. When he squeezed he felt the bone in the Aliens wrist with a satisfying crunch. The crunch was followed by the clang of Mune’s lightsaber striking the cold hard stone.

A whimpering unlike anything he’d ever heard before reached his ears and his opponent reeled away as Kojiro pushed himself to his feet, still gripping his foe. The Clone’s armoured helm collided with the face of his opponent and stars filled both their visions. Koji headbutted his foe again, and again until blood seeped down the aliens face.

Kojiro half threw, half shoved his opponent away from him. As Mune went, the Clone nearly went too. Instead, he used what strength he had left to ground himself, placing his feet apart to strengthen his stance, then drew upon the Force with every ounce of remaining strength. Pain washed over his body and he used it to fuel his anger, thrusting out his left hand with explosive results.

The telekinetic energy struck the Shistavanen and lifted him off his feet, sending him back and into a broken statue that lined the edge of the room. A thud followed quickly by the sound of tissue tearing filled the immediate area and as Kojiro followed up he found the Mune had been impaled upon what appeared to be a replica of an Ancient Sith weapon. The tip jutted from just below the hybrids chin.

It was over, but not before the Clone unsteadily placed his foot upon Mune’s body and pushed down, impaling it further.

“One more body for the pyramid, may you rot,” he muttered as he turned on his heel and limped unsteadily away from the scene. His body almost failing him as he departed, abandoning his mission to collect the secrets of the Pyramid. His life was worth much more than any trinkets it may hold.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 June, 2018 3:47 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Blood was seeping down Kojiro’s leg from where he had been stabbed earlier, his right wrist and hand hung loosely and his head rang with pain. But in his defiance, he stared up at the hybrid and snarled.

This is a nice call back to the injuries previously inflicted on Kojiro and shows him struggling. This kind of writing makes the conflict feel more authentic as reading that passage took my mind straight back to when those wounds were inflicted. To use this more often, you could perhaps take note of the injuries suffered, and then throughout your post, you can weave in mentions of this throughout your post.

Can Be Improved


The telekinetic energy struck the Shistavanen and lifted him off his feet, sending him back and into a broken statue that lined the edge of the room.

I chose this extract because it's an excellent piece of combat, but the mention of Mune being "lifted off his feet" caused me to have to read it again because it was a bit unsure what I was meant to be visualising. This highlights how word choice can alter a reader's visual perception. A way you could've written it and kept most of what you wrote intact was "The telekinetic energy struck the Shistavanen, sending him back and into the base of a broken statue, on a slightly elevated plinth, that lined the edge of the room." You also get a bit more of an idea of where the statue is, and it's condition. Slightly elevated means he'd had to have not just been pushed along the ground, but been knocked back through the air and collided with it.

The pain screamed up the length of the Juggernaut’s arm and loosened his fingers upon the shaft of his bisento. The fingers of his left hand gripped tight however and he swung a wide arc that forced the Arcanist back a number of steps. Mune drew the Force to him once again, tugged upon it and took hold before he thrust it forward in mighty strike. Kojiro steeled himself against the blow but remained sturdy upon his feet.

“Is that all you’ve got?” Kojiro hissed out.

Mune breathed heavily, working to regain his centre. Calling upon the Force in quick succession showing its strain upon him. He had not expected the clone to take the full impact of the strike.

Kojiro dropped his two handed weapon and drew his Sith sword awkwardly. The clumsy grip did not escape Mune’s notice. His own dominant hand was near useless with the numbness that had engulfed his left arm. He flexed his fingers, trying to regain proper sensation. He felt the other man's eyes on him and knew the action had not escaped the Juggernaut’s notice. Kojiro lunged. The Juggernaut swung the Sith sword in a wide arc. Mune focussed and called one of his lightsabers quickly to hand. He reversed the grip and ignited the weapon with just enough time for a shaky block.

The cyan of Mune’s saber sent their shadows dancing upon the ancient walls of the temple. Even with his helmet, Mune felt Kojiro’s eyes locked with his own. The darkness seemed to be cheering them on, spectres of ages millenia past.

“The relics are mine!” Kojiro bellowed.

Everything about the man was intense. Mune struggled to hold the man at bay. Using his non dominant hand was definitely affecting his ability to attack, Mune guessed, seeing that Kojiro was not attacking at full strength with his off-hand. The Shistavanen only knew he had to get some distance again if he were to keep from being overpowered.

“Would you just… die!” Kojiro roared.

Mune shifted his weight to the right. His lightsaber crackled and flashed. He pulled it free of the sword and jerked sideways. Their weapons were freed from each other violently. Kojiro stumbled forward. Mune slashed wide, Kojiro pivoted and knocked the cut wide of making contact. The deflection was clumsy and Mune seized the opportunity and drew upon the Force to further enhance his speed. He flipped his saber in hand and turned it into a harsh stab. The Human’s experience in battle served him well in that moment to move just in time to turn the attack into a glancing blow off the armour of his right hip. Armour gave way, a nasty gash in the plate opened wide.

Mune found himself overcompensating and stumbled forward as Kojiro had done only moments ago been. Kojiro did not hesitate to spring upon the advantage, though found himself underestimating just how quick the other man actually was. Mune was well within his reach, Kojiro struck with the intention of smashing Mune in the face with the pommel of his sword. The Palatinaean could not counter quick enough, and rather he twisted sideways, remaining well within the other man’s reach, but turning a potentially devastating attack into an awkward lunge. Mune, in a panic reached out to the Force again. In desperation, his focus wavered and the darkness surged into the fractured pieces of his concentration.

A bestial roar escaped the Shistavanen and rage consumed him. Kojiro was completely taken aback by the sudden change in his opponent’s demeanour. Mune was upon him all at once, lightsaber forgotten, he pounced. To the floor they both tumbled, dispersing ash and dust. With a loud crack, the back of Kojiro’s helmet bounced off the ancient floors. The dark side screamed through Mune’s mind, consuming his sense of self. Kojiro lay stunned, sword lost. The cool air washed over his face when the Shistavanen ripped his helmet free and threw it into the darkness, his awareness of his surroundings returned. Mune pulled back to smash the man in the face, a punch cut short when Kojiro’s fist took Mune in the temple.

Mune was unconscious before he hit the floor. It took no small effort for Kojiro to pull himself upright, facial features painted by blood. Panting to catch his breath, he only watched the unconscious body of his opponent, the fight over.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 16 June, 2018 3:45 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


So there’s a couple of things I’d like to mention here so I will, I’ll separate them into different paragraphs for easy readability, but I think they’re both worth touching on.

First up, there’s your syntax. The thing I mentioned could be improved with more proofing and reading through before submitting. I don’t know what it was you did that lead to this improvement, but alongside what I suggested earlier I would say keep doing it.

Next, I’d like to praise your storytelling. I did so in the last post, but while it was your vivid descriptions that impressed me before, here, it’s your writing of the combat between the two characters. I’d like to see more combat from you, working on that blend of the two can drive up a score, looking at the post and maybe even planning it out beforehand can help you capitalise on your strengths.

Can Be Improved


With a loud crack, the back of Kojiro’s helmet bounced off the ancient floors. The dark side screamed through Mune’s mind, consuming his sense of self. Kojiro lay stunned, sword lost. The cool air washed over his face when the Shistavanen ripped his helmet free and threw it into the darkness, his awareness of his surroundings returned. Mune pulled back to smash the man in the face, a punch cut short when Kojiro’s fist took Mune in the temple.

So, this is a beautiful piece of writing overall, so I’d like to congratulate you on that. Where I see room for improvement is the last sentence. “Mune pulled back to smash the man in the face, a punch cut short when Kojiro’s fist took Mune in the temple.” Having just mentioned how Kojiro was stunned, it kind of comes out of nowhere for him to not only be aware enough to punch Mune but to connect with enough power it renders him unconscious and enough to end the fight.